cathartic repression

I apologize to you all whom I have not written and kept well-informed lately. I am deeply interested in your lives, because I know many wonderful things are happening to many wonderful people at this time, but I am absolutely consumed with every tiny and grandiose task assigned to me for this and every day. In short, I work like a dog (although I do not understand the cliché, because every dog I know is very lazy).

As is very common when I am feeling psychological duress, the external symptoms such as an extremely messy environment begin to manifest. I see the untidiness and I do not feel compelled to cope with it. This has managed to turn into an intimidating amount of laundry, dishes, recycling, and general clutter to attend to. Additionally, I am supposed to have my alien registration card by now, which I have yet to pick up from across the city. When I get that I am supposed to set up a cell phone account, which will take a hefty deposit. I doubt that I have the immediate cash available for such a thing, and hesitate to leap at spending more money for something only vaguely beneficial for the time being. Most certainly, I have made friends, and the ability to contact them and be reached by them would probably break the spell of isolation and withdrawal that has stayed with me all this month.

But the idea of spending almost everything I have left on a foreigner's deposit for a cancer-causing bit of gadgetry that would most likely serve as an obsessive distraction from what I really see/think/feel in my new geography...leaves me ambivalent.

Then, every time I decide to set up a morning where I might venture out early into the cold to brave to hoards of students and commuters and miscellaneous to be there and back before work begins, another meeting or ever-popular kindergarten class is scheduled last-minute, and I take a deep breath and do it just like everybody else.

I am not complaining. I am just so overworked and tired and, save for this past weekend, so very lonely, it seems like writing a dozen individual letters and emails to people to update them on my sad state of affairs further adds to the attention I feed to those troubles which, honestly, becomes incredibly boring. Then, unfortunately, I am also discouraged by the emails I did manage to scrounge up brain matter for that still go unanswered. So then I fail to respond to the ones I do get, because I'm achy inside and out.

I went to bed awfully late last night (it was actually 4am). I woke up at a reasonable time to get ready for work, but I did not get enough sleep. My alarm clock was set on the radio, and every nine minutes I heard really bizarre pieces of traditional Korean music. If you've never heard it, the instruments are unique, vocals are guttural, and the overall ensemble is very minimalist. My nasty habit of hitting snooze a number of times left me with the strangest dream soundtrack in a while. Also, I am getting really good at waking up half an hour or so before my alarm sounds, which is mainly an internal freak-out mechanism in case my alarm doesn't work...I'm absolutely terrified to miss work. Not to mention, how would anybody get a hold of me, save for knocking on my door? The potential humiliation of it all wakes me up at about 9:15am every single morning. I do not have faith in alarm clocks, as I have been burned far too many times.

I did set up Skype, however, and that has been quite an investment! Now I have both a webcam and a headset, and can even look at Yoshi when I talk to Toby! He's so cute because he doesn't have the depth perception to see me on the screen, and is baffled by my voice coming out of the speakers. He looks happy, though, and so does Toby.

Tonight I think I will go to bed early, because I just totally deserve it and my neighbors upstairs, whose child is permitted to jump and bound across the apartment until the wee hours of the morning (seriously), can kiss my butt. First, though, I think I will take a lovely hot bath.

Firster still, I will remark at something I am quite proud of. After being here a month, and having consumed the inescapable countless grams of carbohydrates in that said time, I have still managed to drop weight! Considering the scenario, where I walk nearly everywhere, have no less than 24 flights of stairs to combat on a daily basis, and basically only eat what and when I feel like cooking, it does actually make sense. So, to tally it up, since last January, I believe I have lost something to the effect of 40lbs, give or take. I actually do put a little extracurricular exercise in my routine some days, a little cardio, a little yoga, some pilates, but sparsely and not as much as I would like. But I feel proud of myself, despite being surrounded by nothing but petite, slender women, all my curvy-girl clothes fit just fine, and I might venture that my cumbersome bust line does create a bit of reciprocal jealousy.

Oh, it's bath time.

a brief update

I finally made it to church this weekend, and the pastor and his family picked me up. They really are wonderful people, very kind and fun and loving. I met lots of other people there (that I met three weeks ago also) who were very warm and gracious. It turns out one man is going with his taekwondo class to the DMZ next Saturday, and I'm totally going with them!

Last night it began to snow, with was beautiful. This morning, it is sludge, grey and slippery.

I need to take a shower and get ready for work!

so it's 12 degrees...

...And it's really cold. Painfully, desperately cold. This kind of cold completely stamps out a fun Friday night. Where do you even go when any exposed facial skin burns from the cold?

It isn't even as cold as it's supposed to get in Korea. Will I die this winter? Or will I simply never learn anything about this new country all winter, because I chose life and to stay indoors? I believe I understand the phrase "abominable snowman" now...

I'm trying to break in a pair of dangerously high boot heels, too sexy and expensive not to be given a prime place in my wardrobe, too tight and tall not to practice first. I think at this rate they may be ready by early spring. I am not joking. Maybe somewhere in this Land of Small will be a cobbler who stretches shoes for giants.

Tonight directly after work I went to two outside vendors for dinner. The first place sold kimbap, steamed things in sticky white rice wrapped with seaweed and rolled and sliced. The second sells magical mystery pancake-donut patties filled with sugary divinity and sunflower seeds. Between both, I spent 3,000 won, less than $3 US, and ended up with a kimbap roll and four magic pancakes. I ate every bite and am still stuffed hours later.

Yay Korea! But they love their carbs!

It's amazing how fast an entire week goes by when you work your tail off. We have to plan our classes out at the beginning of each month, and that's rather tough when you have 19 separate classes and they're all doing different units of different English-learning books. And if they're doing the same book, it's a different unit. And I have to devote all of next week to a Spelling Bee, plus begin new units, and be conscious of the fact that four classes will be a week behind because there's no school on Christmas, and then there's a week-long break the next week! I was feeling so serene until today...comparatively. At least about work. The fact that we work very hard just means work goes by quickly. But being a real teacher (not just a sub like I'm used to) means course outlines and progress reports and test generating and scores and troublemakers and bloody noses and isolation in the bathroom stall between classes.

It's a great job, so I'm really not complaining at all. But this is one of those times (which I imagine happens monthly) where everything comes in a WHOOSH! and all the teachers tremble in its wake.

All of our planning periods lately are even eaten up by practicing for this Christmas program we're all supposed to participate in, dance three complicated choreographed dances to Christmas songs (and sing!), and brainstorm activities for a hundred kinder-aged children that combine English comprehension and Christmas that are both safe and significant enough to eat up 10 minutes! I also have to decorate my room with Christmas stuff, my assigned theme is Red, and I still have no idea how to hang things from the stucco-covered walls. Tape, Velcro, nails, hooks, putty; these things are all out of the question! Next Monday, when I really need my planning time, I have to have a meeting with the other foreign teachers and the head teacher and the program coordinator to discuss (and possibly defend) the importance of homework in this English program we're using to teach our students conversational English. My students, in particular, clearly suffer when they do not do their homework that I assign. They have extreme difficulty comprehending grammar questions on the test when they haven't written it down ever (because they also refuse to participate in class unless I lord over them). And now there's a possibility homework will be considered a superfluity!

It's cold, and I'm a little stressed out. I cannot, in fact, believe that it is Friday night. My fourth one here, in fact. That seems wrong. This hasn't been over three weeks, certainly...but it has. Oh, the pressure to catch up to the pace is remarkable.

Still I sleep so badly. I sit here, wearing gorgeous, painful heels, refusing sleep when I have nothing keeping me awake but stubbornness. I would practice walking around in these shoes, but it's both impolite to stamp all over your neighbors' heads in clunky-heeled boots, and to wear shoes in your house at all in Korea. I'm technically supposed to practice outside....

...Where the temperature has dropped now to 11 degrees.

past the quarter mark

Today I am 26 years old. It is the most surreal birthday I have ever had, and I've been awake only an hour. I'm in a foreign land with new things to get used to and far away from all my family and friends. I'm kind of sick, too, probably because the air quality and just getting some kind of bronchitis/throat thing. I did my hair in a pretty style, put on some gorgeous jewelry my mom got me for my birthday several years ago, and am listening to a wonderfully nostalgic Caustic Window album (Katie brought that back for me from Carlsbad when we were sophomores in high school, I think!).

Last night I learned how to use my washer for the first time. I also realized that hanging my clothes up on the drying racks with a standing fan still takes ages for them to dry if it's going to RAIN the next day! So damp is it that my clothes may well still be sudsing as I speak.

Two days ago I took a cab to get my Employment Health Certificate. Going through the process of my physical exam was very easy, but after sifting through waves of hundreds of people, I essentially retreated into myself and began to fret. Well, I have the certificate now, and need to apply to the Immigration office for a card, which should take an additional week. I need to have that done within 90 days of arriving here, so I'm actually really glad that they had me get started so soon.

I unpacked everything and put it in its proper spot. This was a milestone, because I've been psychologically paralyzed since I got here. Also, I thought I would be more relieved than I am, and am suffering a great deal of insomnia. I don't understand why my neighbors upstairs are noisy at ALL HOURS of the night! They are always talking or walking or running water or closing doors! For an insomniac, this is wretched. But the practiced deep breathing eventually leads me to sleep, and then I sleep solidly. Oddly, my mattress is incredibly firm, possibly as much so as the floor itself with perhaps a pad for a bit of springiness, and yet it is surprisingly comfortable! My first week here, when I was sleeping really well, that mattress was my best friend.

This week, it is television and Internet. I feel connected to the world again! I can keep track of things, I can look things up, and I can tap the vast resource of Internet knowledge any time I please! This is all very important for a lonely girl.

Time for breakfast!

Feeling islolated!

(Sunday, 11/16/08 7:32pm)
Yes, this is two entries in one day. I lied, I am bored. I’m too nervous to unpack my clothes until I get my immigration card. It’s so great out here, the people are so wonderful, and there is so much potential in this city, I feel like it’s almost too good to be true. It just seems like that’s the last shoe that has to drop before I can relax. Until then, I’m pawing through my luggage to find clothes to steam or iron. Until then, I’m sitting around by myself in my apartment with nobody to talk to, nothing to watch except the few movies on my computer I’ve already seen. Until then, I feel very cut off from the world around me, since I can’t read Korean and can’t find a PC bang to use the ‘net. My coworkers in the building next-door aren’t home and seem to have been gone all day, so I can’t use their computer or ask for their help with my international phone card (it doesn’t make sense!).

Sigh. It’s just that it’s too early to go to bed; if I go to bed now I’ll wake up really early and I’ll be really tired while I’m at work tomorrow evening (I work from 11am until 7pm). I went to church today with another coworker of mine, and she took me to an English service. Afterwards, everyone was invited across the street to a fellowship gathering where they had a bunch of East-meets-West Thanksgiving food (a bit early, though, right?). I met a girl from Kazakhstan who said their Thanksgiving Day is today, she’s studying at the University. The pastor and his wife insisted that their son guide me home on the bus since they know where I teach and they live nearby, so I took the city bus with two 14-year-olds back to my neighborhood.

I’m just dying to talk to someone I know. I wish I knew my own address; I’d start writing letters to people! I wish I could relax and tell myself this is for real. I guess I’ll know in a week or so.

First weekend in Seoul

(Sunday, 11/16/08 8:12am)
Yesterday I went on my first big adventure into Seoul with one of the other English teachers. Well, first we had to put on a little mock lesson in front of two hundred prospective parents of nearly kinder-aged students. That was funny, and it’s so cute how all these little kids like to say, “Hi,” and, “Bye-bye,” showing me their good English. Parents here are really invested in their children, and though I understand fathers are nearly never around on weekdays, Saturday and Sunday are spent affectionately with family. Then I called my mom, 16 hours behind me.

Actually, first I woke up at 6am and leaped into cleaning my apartment. The situation is that the former teacher left the day I arrived, having packed practically the night before, and had two cats! One of those cats she brought with her, and the other she couldn’t afford to take, so for the time being that cat is at my colleagues’ house, hiding behind their oven and being completely traumatized. The result was a very fairly tidy place with a lot of things left behind (many helpful items) and cat hair under every piece of furniture and in every corner. It isn’t obviously dirty, but for two nights my asthma has woken me up, and that didn’t even happen to me at my parents’ house with their 20-year-old carpet…I knew something had to be done now.

I’ve been throwing items away, moving furniture, sweeping, cleaning surfaces and glass, and just personalizing my space. I’m rife with things to do, so having no television, telephone, or Internet connection hasn’t driven me crazy…yet. The television coaxial cable was cut in half inexplicably, so no TV for now. I have to wait to get my residency registration card, and first I have to do an employment physical exam, wait for the certificate of health from that, get my immigration card, then go get a bank account, and then get a cell phone and an Internet account, and perhaps a television account? I’m not sure. So this will be a process, and I have plenty of time to be methodical.

Then there’s the glorious aspect of my newfound privacy! There were some small computer speakers left behind, so I hooked them to my iPod and have been listening to whatever I please. Certainly, I need a stereo with better sound, but probably not so much bass that I blast my neighbors… I can really do what I please! I haven’t lived alone for a really long time, and though I had a lot of me-time and complete creative license at Toby and Tyler’s place, I couldn’t sit around naked! It’s too cold here to be naked, however.

Enough about me, let’s talk about Seoul! Here are some tidbits of Korean life that I have learned in two days: Everyone drives on the right side of the street, but in stores and on sidewalks they pass on the left. You can bump into people without acknowledging them and neither party is offended (there are too many people moving around each other not to bump into a few). Koreans really want to include English skills in with their education (enter foreign English teachers). Scented toilet paper is everywhere. Families hang out together (all ages!)! There are motion-sensors everywhere that activate lights in hallways, doorways, and along streets, which turn off as soon as you have moved along. They sort and recycle practically EVERYTHING, and if you don’t do it right, there is somebody keeping an eye on the trash that comes to yell at you. The weather is pretty cold, wet, and beautiful. The trees are yellow, red, orange, and some evergreen, and they delicately lean over streets and sidewalks. There is a forested hill just behind my apartment complex where you can go on walking trails through the trees; I can see it from my back patio. No animals, though. Laurie said, “This is Seoul; they’ve all been killed and put in soup!” Bummer.

The food is amazing, and restaurant portions are surprisingly large (American-sized, even) and incredibly cheap. Everything is stacked several floors high, and stores, restaurants, drycleaners, bakeries, PC bangs, everything, attempts to be efficient and also somehow grab the attention of the swarms of consumers. Oh, and shopping is a major pastime, and though the cheaper department stores I went to are set up like a Ross/Wal-Mart hybrid, people are very neat with the merchandise and there are employees standing around waiting to sweep up the smallest mess, so the floors are spotless. The floors in apartments (and everybody lives in one) are heated, called ondol, and it’s so much more comfortable than using a heater blowing in your face. If I were sleeping on a traditional mattress on the floor, I would certainly be very cozy. As it were, I am sleeping in a Western-style bed. I guess Korean women are crazy about Western men, be they geeky or GQ, but Korean men are not attracted to Western women’s perceived unfeminine, non-submissive natures. I guess that’s me in a nutshell.

I met with my new coworker, Laurie, who has been here since late September, and showed me how to get groceries and clothing, how to use the bus, and where I was on a map (most important!). First we got lunch and I practiced reading the menu items written in Hangul. I can actually do it! It’s a much simpler system than I anticipated, and if I may say, much easier than Kanji! Then she took me to a subway entrance to buy a transit card, and then we went to a bus stop to catch a ride to the grocery store. We first went to some bargain department stores next door to each other, to look at their excellent variety of winter coats (since my Phoenix-idea of warm clothing will soon be inappropriately lightweight). Then we went to a house ware section and I bought a trashcan, then downstairs several floors to the grocery store, which was absolutely teaming with shoppers and employees. First I bought a plant (I need something to be alive in my house with me besides the occasional wayward beetle), then meandered around the vegetables, where I was boggled by the variety of unrecognizable items! There are people all over the grocery yelling over each other to get your attention to buy their products/meats/fish/breads, or offering free samples, or both. Sometimes it seems like employees just pick something up and start talking about it to everyone walking by. I picked up a lovely assortment of mushrooms, soups, snacks, some sort of greens I don’t recognize, some seasonings and condiments, red bean bread (YUM!!!), all kinds of juice, coffee, and eggs.

Ultimately, my major impression of Koreans is that they are incredibly nice people. There is a sense of community here I had always hoped for but could never find with the sprawling nature of the U.S. It clearly has something to do with the amount of people efficiently compartmentalized into small space. Everywhere are apartment buildings ten storeys high or more. People look out for each other, but lack the sense of paranoia and entitlement I saw everywhere in the States. The crime rate is significantly lower, even in a city with 19 million people. I really love it here, but I say that from a perspective of someone three days in, feeling significant pressure to learn to speak and read Korean, do well at my new job, find some form of communication with my peeps back home, and remember everything I ever learned about French and Japanese!

First day in Seoul

(Friday, 11/14/08 9:45pm GMT +09:00)
I am completely, thoroughly exhausted. Last night, when I arrived in Seoul, it was 7:40pm on Thursday evening….after traveling for 20+ hours by car and plane, and having nearly three whole hours of sleep before my flight, and having only a two-hour nap on the flight (surprising! My nerves wouldn’t let me sleep…), the cab ride to the school from Incheon was very soporific. I really tried to look around to get a sense of where I was and where we were going, but I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, and I was too embarrassed by my limited Korean to ask the driver anything.

Arriving here has left me with a dazed feeling of bewilderment and disbelief. Did I actually travel 6,000 miles yesterday? I flew along the southern coast of Alaska and across a desolate, permafrost stretch of eastern Russia (that looked like soft white peaks of meringue). Flying over the ocean at 39,000 feet is very bizarre because the texture of the waves does not appear to be in constant motion, and believe me, I watched for any signs. All I could see was the skin-like quality of the blue and golden sea surface. Not to mention, it was sunset for at least five hours; the sun even set a few times! The horizon was pink and lovely, with the sun just below, and then it would pop up and gleam brightly, only to sink back down again with a hinting rosy glow. I considered the metaphoric significance of this strange event, but have so far come up with nothing.

Then, when I got out of the taxi, there were two extremely happy Korean women waiting to hug me! These are my bosses, but not the only ones. They brought me up to my new apartment, which was shockingly larger than I anticipated. They told me I had to go to work the next morning, since I came a few days later than planned (not my fault).

And then I was unconscious, finally, in a real, warm bed. I did not have the mental capacity to unpack anything, I simply moved around my new space a few times before going to bed. This morning, I woke up without the aid of an alarm clock (partly because I did not have one I could plug in…long story…and partly because my cell phone decided to die before the prescribed alarm time), but it was no big deal because I woke up on time and relatively rested.

I found some appliances left behind by the former English teacher (for whom I am the replacement), including an iron and a blow dryer. There are a lot of strongly perfumed things all over the place in cabinets and shelves, covered in Hangul, that I think will probably give me a headache if I use them. So, that aside, it’s a nice little space, but actually the biggest place I’ve ever lived in alone.

Then, I decided I ought to look outside during the daytime! (You see, the windows have translucent screens on a second track that can be moved away to see outside)

Turns out it’s yellow and orange and cement and cars out there. There are Korean kids walking all over in coats and scarves, because we live in a suburb clustered around a school area. There are a surprising number of trees, but not the leaf litter that must be expected in a few weeks.

I went to the school and had an orientation with my coordinator, who is such a lovely woman, Jane Park. She walked me through my first day with classes, just four until I’m acclimated, and gave me a thorough schedule for the next week. I met the some other employees in the school (which is called YumKwang CEC, part of APIS, or Asia Pacific International School, all stacked on top of each other), and then the elder who founded YumKwang 45 years ago, Dr. Kim. I’m glad I practiced three Korean phrases, “Good Morning (annyong aseyo),” “Pleased to meet you (mannaso pangapsumnida),” and “Thank you (gamsa hamnida),” because I was able to be more respectful. My being a Christian was an important topic, as well, since this is a Christian school, although I believe he is probably Confucian. He was a very nice man, and our meeting was brief.

Then I had classes. My first class, with 6 kindergarteners, was okay, but half the time a few of them draped themselves across their desks and looked very tired and bored. I found out later they had been on a field trip already that day. We did our lesson, and then I taught them the Hokey-Pokey. I had an hour break, where I met the other teachers in the lounge. They were so nice to me! Everyone introduced themselves and laughed at every single thing I said and gave me 100% of their attention until they had to run off to class. Then I prepared for my next three classes, the first two classes being probably 7-9 year olds, the third being junior high. My younger students wouldn’t shut up, although they did use English pretty well, and the older kids sat there and didn’t say a word even when I asked them! Thank God for the one boy who actually answered all the questions. Getting the hang of the material is probably going to be my biggest challenge, but that won’t even be terribly difficult. I feel pretty confident.

Then I was invited to hang out with some of the other teachers after work ended at 7pm, since it was my coworker Jin’s birthday and she invited several people to her place for dinner. It was very nice and they were really lovely. The other English teachers, Laurie and Alex, who are married, were with us, but Alex was the only man there. The other husbands were all still working for at least the next two hours. The food was amazing, and the children who joined the dinner were so shockingly well-behaved (and adorable)!

Laurie and I walked home from the dinner party, and she explained that we live in a suburb of Seoul, called Wolgye, in a district called Nowon-gu. I’ll have to find that on a map. Our area is very nice, and as teachers we have a pretty sweet deal. The school treats us like gold and our accommodations are pretty snazzy. In other areas, it would be possible for English teachers to be exploited by the school or at the mercy of fate if the school were to close mid-school year. I didn’t need to know that to be grateful for my situation. But it helps. I feel pretty fortunate and blessed to be here, surrounded by these people, with this opportunity not many others get to appreciate.

In San Francisco

11/12/08 11:18am PST

Here I am in the international terminal in SFO. It’s still too early to find out which gate I need to go to for Seoul, and I’m pretty tired (for lack of sleeping last night), so I’m having a bit of anxiety. Besides that, I really want to have more Korean skills, and so instead I am sitting here quietly.

San Francisco is very foggy and beautiful today. I’m excited to see the weather in Korea! It will be nighttime when I get there, and then I’ll wake up in a whole new fantasy land!

Unfortunately, I don’t have an Internet connection right now, unless I want to purchase connectivity from T-mobile…and I’m tired of giving them my money. So this is a Word document. It’s the best thing I have to a journal right now. They made me throw away my toothpaste at the security checkpoint in Phoenix, and even though it isn’t that big of a deal, it rubbed my tired, stressed out body the wrong way. I’ve had a minor chip on my shoulder since then.

It will be nice to get back on the plane so I know for sure I didn’t miss my flight!

deep breathing

This is my second-to-last night before leaving. Most of my things are packed and organized in a way I approve of, and I am so glad I began packing weeks ago! It gave me plenty of time to dwell on strategies and space limitations, as well as remembering loads of last-minute ideas and rationalizing out certain non-necessities (like hiking boots: too big and heavy!).

Overall, I feel very at peace. It's sad to leave behind people and creatures I love so much, but saying goodbye isn't unfamiliar in most people's lives, certainly not in mine. I'm satisfied that I'll appreciate the appropriate things about my life back home, but I've needed to move on for a long time, to not feel as though I'm resting on my laurels, to keep the spark of excitement and adventure in my life.

And here it is. And I feel calm, content. I let myself freak out early enough that I got the majority of responsibilities taken care of. Now, I can take that deep breath and relax. Actually, first I need to pack a bit more, but it's okay. :)

Thank you to everybody who has been so supportive of me. I think of you all very often, and despite our perpetual geographic limitations, I consider you very dear friends and I am eternally grateful to have you in my life, at least for this part of my journey and yours.

(Anticipate photos of Seoul very soon indeed!)

getting abroad

Here I am in Tucson, about to work for the second half of the day, having spent some quality time with some lovely people and animals this weekend, and generally relaxing a bit from the stress of the reality I face.

I finally received my work visa number, and that means I'll be hurriedly getting my information to the Korean consulate in LA on Monday in order to get the soonest available telephone interview possible in order to obtain my work visa asap. I'm packing all week and wrapping up loose ends here and there. I doubt I'll be working; it has been advised that I give myself time to finish my business up in the States. I tend to overwork myself, but now is not the time to procrastinate with other things.

I really enjoy spending time with people lately who have more to talk about than just my impending geographical alteration. Those who have interesting things going on in their lives are so peaceful to be around because they aren't pestering me for details that I'd just as soon not think about. The ones who are interested are nice to be around, but I always get that tightness in my chest when I take the macroscope view of what I'm facing...I'd really rather listen to other people.

Besides that, I'm meeting someone for lunch and should absolutely get out of here right now.

still don't know what love means

On Monday, a week ago, I found a real job in Korea. It begins November 13, presuming the work Visa is sorted out in a timely manner and I can get my interview with the Korean consulate in Los Angeles finished over the phone. If I do have to drive to California, it will disrupt my delicate monetary balance, and I will bring my brother along for surety on the road.

I will be teaching in Seoul, at a school called YumKwang Christian School (which is lucky, because they have services in English and I won't spend ages hunting down a church). It's very exciting, but I'm also incredibly tense, having gone through all my clothes while trying to mentally inventory everything I might need for a year that I can get away with packing. I think I will really need my Sharper Image clothes steamer....it's rather small and not very heavy. How will I bring my bulky old laptop?? My stomach is in knots, unfortunately. I suppose it's not too early to sit down and do a mock-packing to get a real sense of weight, dimension, and what all I should bring.

Knowing this is the last couple of weeks I'll have to spend with Yoshi is heartbreaking. I am more in love with him than ever, and his sweet spirit has obviously charmed everyone else around him (except for maybe the larger dogs at the dog park; his attitude there is disappointing). I knitted him a sweater, and although it is pretty baggy, he looks so handsome in it and it clearly keeps him warmer. He doesn't tremble nearly as often in the fleeting cool hours of the evening and early morning. I'll bring him down to Tucson to spend the next year with Toby and Tyler. If I could bring him to Korea, he would already have been packed! I hope these few months in Phoenix have been good for him; he's gotten loads of quality attention from our family, and my complete lack of social life has left me a great deal of time to spend with him and take him places with me. I've spent a month away, I've spent four and a half months away with sporadic visits, but I've never spent a year away from this little dog. He is my ray of sunshine! I hope it doesn't get too dark in Seoul.

Well, in the hopes of pursuing graduate schools, I mentioned to the school manager (who interviewed me) that my Five Year Plan included me in grad school, and she seemed amicable to that idea. It really was a great interview (did I mention she sent my recruiter a job offer immediately after speaking with me for 40 minutes?) so I'm satisfied this is a good fit. I'm fully intending to complete my general GRE and build rapport with potential advisers for conservation biology. I'm simply gridlocked with things at the top of my To Do list, however. It's stressful.

On the bright side, I'm getting things done, bit by bit, and if I want to keep that up, I'd better stop doing this.

a large world after all

I apologize for not keeping up with my journal here. It has been far beyond a month since my last post, and admittedly I have thought about recording some thoughts in this box, but my limited access to Internet is the usual excuse why not.

So, I wouldn't say life has been terribly bumpy as of late, just busy. It seems like my entire day is eaten up with things to do or time spent recuperating, and when the weekends finally roll around, I just eat it up and then in what feels like a moment it has passed and suddenly I'm waking up early Monday morning, yet again.

It's all just very whoosh! and that's not always bad but it certainly wipes you out.

Toby came up this weekend, and that was wonderful. It wasn't just for me, which was actually pretty nice, that way we had very special time together when we could get it.

Yoshi wants Toby back, though. Ever since the he and his brother came by today to say goodbye before departing back to Tucson, Yoshi has been watching out the window and frequently asking me to go outside so he can check for their car. I think it just reminded him that Toby and Tyler are somewhere other than where he is, and he hasn't seen them in over a month besides. Plus, it got very cold very suddenly and he is trembling like a leaf, while I can't locate any of his sweaters (which look so cute on him!). So he sits in the window, watching and shaking. It truly is heartbreaking.

On the topic of the weather, however, it's finally sweater-wearing time! My cooler-weather wardrobe was just dying to come out of hiding, and the idea of wearing scarves again tickles me greatly!

On Korea, I am still in the stages of very little momentum. Working this much has made my estimated departure date creep up stealthily, while I have gotten nearly nothing done in the way of preparation. I've sent off my documents, am waiting for an interview or two with some schools out there that would suit my start date, and then the work Visa is next. Then I pack everything I can think of in two 50-lb. checked bags and one carry-on, and make my merry way to the other side of the planet, knowing next to nothing about what my life will have in store next.

Hrm. This is the only sentiment I seem able to muster about the state of events to follow.

But at present, I feel anxious and I'm sure there are several things I ought to do, if I could just bend my attention their way. So that's what I'll do.

what are words for?

I say I've had some significant personal growth this week, most especially yesterday. It's actually really refreshing to have overcome a major blockage, just a few pieces at a time. This was a good thing.

Then, today was just a really nice day, and I feel pretty good right now. Strange, because I can't think what went differently besides my attitude. Now that I reflect upon my week down here, it occurs to me that this whole week has gone pretty smoothly. Surely, I felt sick but it never got so severe, and my heart has always felt secure and content.

I miss Tucson so much. It's simply so wonderful here. If I were to go anywhere else in the country, or on the planet, I'm sure I will still fond feelings of home for Tucson. The desert here is so much more authentic; there are huge neighborhoods with wild mesquite, palo verde, cactus, ocotillo and creosote, with rabbits and lizards and coyotes skirting quickly across the road as you turn a corner, and nobody tries to fake some palm-studded "oasis" or pine forest or sycamore grove. I should rephrase that: some neighborhoods have purist landscaping. Other people have a convoluted sense of presence that must include grass and evergreen trees and any number of exotics that don't belong and often suffer in this climate.

Aside from the environment of Tucson, I also find myself quite cheerful and content. I don't want to say I'm off-track and not focused on moving forward, but at the present moment I'm comfortable and relaxed. As in, the timer I usually have ticking loudly in my head presently isn't nudging me forward exhausted and guilty. I'm able to enjoy my time watching television or reading, or sitting and writing in my journal and listening to music I've never heard that has been waiting for me. I can go to work and not feel pulled and strained and anxious the whole time I am there.

What happened? Did I just breathe in the right air finally? If I weren't so tired, I would attempt to stay awake and ponder this wonderful sense of peace and security, because I know too well from experience that life can always be different in the morning. I'm pleased to be in this moment.

I have some things to do before bed. This is all for now.

chocolate chip

I find myself in a lucky position this week. I work during the day, so the afternoons and evenings I have available to spend with friends and to watch TELEVISION shows like Project Runway I would ordinarily have no opportunity to catch up on. Thank goodness for Bravo, too, because they replay everything and do marathons of every show from the beginning of the season to the most recent. I LOVE IT.

Normally I wouldn't condone my sitting around watching tv shows all day, but I've really lamented missing the whole season of PR and having no access to cable, so this is good. I'm nearly caught up, and I feel so satisfied.

I also enjoy reading, spending time with my puppy, and soaking up the glorious Tucson weather. I no longer feel cold-like symptoms, although I'm afraid I let my lethargy become a bad habit again because of feeling so under the weather.

Anyway, it's time for me to go to bed, since tomorrow is my final day of training...getting paid for sitting in classes. I LOVE THAT TOO!

blogging myself to sleep

This cold didn't take me down as much as I feared, so here I am most certainly on my way to recovery, having only felt really ill in passing and moderately unmotivated and under the weather besides. I've polished off two 2-quart cartons of juice (orange and pineapple) in the last couple days, with one more to go (delicious fruit juice medley).

I've managed to scrape away a good portion of cat fur from the furniture so that I'm not coated in it all the time, only because it's affecting my allergies so. But if you met this cat, you'd understand why his hair would cover you head to toe, he is so cool. Right now he is holding my arm in place with one paw and licking my arm hairs backwards, while also leaning solidly against my leg and looking extremely content.

Today I took Yoshi to the vet because he was licking his little dew claw as if it hurt, and I noticed a bit of blood on it and that it was at a funny angle. Two hours of waiting at the vet clinic and 67 dollars later, his nails were trimmed and the dew claw's nail was cut off and the spot where it was split was cauterized and we were free to go. OUCH to my bank account, man. So Yoshi's fine, and he's spending the night over at Toby and Tyler's place, to recuperate, I figure.

This gives me some quality time with Max, who is taking full advantage of having me all to himself. He must really feel standoffish with Yoshi around. Aw.

I suppose it's really quite late and I have more training tomorrow, even though it's just easy as pie and relatively nearby, so that getting there won't be a huge hassle in the midst of morning commuters.

'Night, y'all.

cat and a clothesline

O, allergies. Most certainly worse than that, though, as these are cold symptoms on a moderately unpleasant level. I spent the evening helping my friends move in to their new place, which is awesome, and worked exclusively on fitting a very large amount of things into not enough cabinet space. I'm probably only halfway finished, but it was a bit exhausting, especially with the constant tickle in my nose or painful, unstoppable sneezing.

I did use a netty pot, which helped clear my sinuses briefly, but not permanently, and I took several Airborne allergy tabs and some sinus meds. No avail, I'm still runny.

It's funny, I worked with germy little kids all week and felt my sore throat coming on. Now that I've got a weekend to have fun in my favorite Arizona city, I'm stupid sick!

Problem with having a cat and no dryer means cat hair lingers on nearly every surface, and I with my allergies am having a little trouble with that, too. Luckily, my lint remover can pull off some of the cat hair on the couches, and the floor is tiled so I can sweep this week and get a little more relief.

It's so difficult to think beyond these symptoms, too. I can barely focus on what I'm going to do for work all week. I ought to go to bed, and try to feel better. Ouch.

smoothing out

I'm staying in Tucson at my friend Jenny's house for just over a week while she is in Europe. This helps both of us immensely; I get to be in Tucson and work down here (even though I do have a job in Phoenix, finally) and just be here in this city that i LOVE, and she has the peace of mind that her house and pets are being cared for. And, she has cable TV and wireless Internet, so I lucked out big time. :)

Today I'm helping my friends move into their new place, and luckily they're pretty much finished with the majority of the process. I can't wait to see their new place! They've lived in the same apartment the whole time I've known them, which is pushing on five years, so this new place is going to be a huge change. Plus, it's nice to have a fresh start in a fresh place as newlyweds, in my opinion.

I like it here, I'm very satisfied, but my allergies have been so bad this week that now my sinuses feel strained and raw, so I fear I'm going to catch a cold! Sigh.

But I'm here all week so I'm going to stop here and write more when I'm thinking more clearly.

young and restless

I've spent almost a week in Tucson, working every single day, because I got lucky and someone offered me lots of hours including almost 8 hours of overtime pay. Certainly I can't get away with driving down to Tucson to work every week or two, because the price of fuel, my obligations at home, and straining a very gracious hostess for her spare room. She did actually offer to pay me to come down for the first week of September while she is out of the country to tend to her critters. I think I may very well do just that (although there is no earthly way I will let her pay me to stay in her house). I might even look for training classes with my company, just because one of my buddies who supervises in the company knows just how to get quick, easy hours for staff.

So, in short, I'll make just enough money on this Friday's paycheck to afford my gasoline back home, conceivably with a few extra dollars to spare for two weeks until my next check. It's entirely possible to survive on that; I've had less to work with these days and that could just be the ticket to surviving this personal recession. It will be a glorious day when this penny-pinching can all come to an end, and I can reimburse those wonderful people who have made my financial troubles less troublesome.

Oh and it's such a pain to have my mother constantly badgering me about getting a job in Phoenix, when I'm more set on going to Korea than ever, and now as soon as mid-October. Pounding the pavement in a city I absolutely LOATHE for a menial entry-level part-time position when I have TWO ready and willing jobs here in Tucson is incredibly disheartening. I don't wanna do it, no sir. I feel so stupid trying to convince potential employers that my credentials are what they want, since I know I'd be a phenomenal employee and so far nobody believes me. What's the use?!

I do get to take Yoshi home to Phoenix with me, which should brighten my mood there a bit. I'm only keeping him until I leave the States, and then he's going to be with Toby for the next twelve months. There was some completely useless drama associated with that, and I figured I'd have to kidnap my own dog, but time resolved the matter, and the two of us are heading up on Friday.

I'll probably elaborate later on. Now I'm meeting a buddy for coffee.

facing East

So it's as up and down as ever, but I suppose I just need to batten my hatches and stop making every little issue into such a very large obstacle to overcome. It hardly appears to me that I am in the midst of a great opportunity, but I am actually trying harder than I was during my first week back here in town to appreciate the flexibility of my present situation.

That being said, I am hunting around for entry-level jobs, more or less. Just now, actually, I filled out an application for manager at a popular salon/cosmetics store. I'm completely qualified and I believe I could hack it. But yesterday I picked up an application for a popular coffee chain, where the people working there were incredibly friendly and fun. I'm also applying with a nearby school district as a guest teacher, which could very well be the most solid opportunity for work I can find. I've been determined but perhaps not entirely diligent in the job quest.

I also found a very promising opportunity to teach English in Korea for a year. I can go at any time as long as I can commit to the full 12-month contract, so I wouldn't really want to leave until January (because two of my very best friends will be wed in December). This leaves me with five months to try and figure out some sort of income, but I want to do it, and I think I really will. It's such an excellent chance to travel the world, most notably to Japan and around east Asia.

Since I am still employed on a very partial basis as a caretaker in Tucson, and so occasionally I may take hours and drive down there to work and also see my friends, my dog, and the man I love. Quite a clear motive? And at the moment, next weekend and the 22 hours I managed to find are the only guaranteed income I have.

And that's that. I'm just trucking along.

a question of timing

I wonder when, realistically, I'll finally feel accomplished and proud of my achievements thusfar with my education and in my field. Or just period; I'm a workaholic but still don't seem to recognize my hard efforts.

Anyway, I don't want to sit around and self-diagnose, but I also don't want to sit around at all. It just seems like I'm letting it all get to me, like I've closed myself off from the world of hopes and aspirations, as though I've simply stopped seeing the light and possibilities of life. Sleeping a lot, or just ongoing lethargy and fatigue, eventually sends up flares as early signs of depression, which I simply do not need in my life ever again....but I am in Phoenix, the Land of Many Woes, a place which, in its original and memorable form, harbors years of embedded sorrows and aimlessness. Now, as the concrete literally takes on new shapes before my eyes, my sense of direction and dedication is askew; I simply do not know where to go.

Obviously, the slightest bit of effort on my part goes a very long way. I have not invested it. I have only but to walk into an establishment and tell them of even a few of my many credentials, and then step back and have them offer me their very best available position. This isn't something I consider regularly. I must know, deep down, that all I have to do is try, but the inner battle began before I even arrived here, and the victory of trying has been lost among the turmoil and figurative slain and maimed warriors clashing within.

But, here I am taking advantage of Internet at my friends' house, and this is precisely where I came to begin to attempt to think about actually trying. I think I just might.

on the move again

I've only been in Tucson for about five days, and now it's time for me to leave here, too. I hope I don't have some transient complex now. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon, by telephone, and I've been trying to read up on a little literature about the program to which I'm applying.

Going back to Phoenix today is already quite a strange concept. When I get there, I'll be investigating job opportunities, however temporary, while also trying to get a foothold in a relatively new environment. I'm making it more than it should be, but anxiety is my food for thought lately. I wish it weren't so.

Toby has been incredible, by the way. Save for an incredibly BIZARRE drunken freak out after we came home from our friends' wedding, over which he has beaten himself up far worse than I could ever (so I forgave him for going crazy), this weekend has been really good. It actually doesn't feel so sad that I'm going away from him again, because I have sorted a lot out this summer, and even since I've come back. It's difficult, but possible, to remind myself over and over again that the roller coaster of emotions is operating in my head. Certainly, he is operating his very own coaster, or perhaps some other theme park attraction, but when I step outside of my head for a moment (which I have managed to do on several separate occasions) I can put it in perspective and center myself in the moment as opposed to in the drama.

But back to Toby: he has already started fueling his business ideas and expanding these thoughts into the spaces around him. He has friends whose connections are valuable networking resources, and he has confidently pursued and utilized these opportunities already! He has taken some time to decorate the apartment to his own tastes, which are wonderful, and the place has an entirely different and very personalized ambiance. He keeps the place clean (or at the very least he cleaned up for my arrival), he takes wonderful care of Yoshi, and has shown obvious tender loving care to the struggling backyard plants in the summer heat. He has been very supportive of me and my ideas, and if my perception is correct, has taken some inspiration from my passion and convictions about sustainability and conservation. That pleases me thoroughly!

Not to mention, he seems to be taking care of himself for a change. Not just catering to himself, the way so many guys do, but working to better himself, to become healthier and fit, and to live according to his values. I'm deeply proud of him, and I have gained a great deal of respect for him. Then, of course, there's always the reunion with someone you have loved for so many years, especially after having gained some objectivity spending several months with someone quite different from Toby and quite inferior to him.

So I'm leaving town again, and that's going to be a trip all by itself.

in a homey way

I'm in Tucson, sitting next to my dog in a room I called "home" only three months ago. So far, my reunion with this place and this energy has been truly replenishing. I was welcomed most warmly by Yoshi and Toby, and then met several girlfriends for a bachelorette party (dinner and cocktails) where I caught up with some great ladies I haven't seen in years.

This apartment is beautiful, too. Everything here is clean, with successful bachelor written all over it, and Toby has taken great lengths to incorporate his Japanese artwork with modern elements like clean lines and right angles. His color scheme fits the space and his personality so well, and it's very attractive together. I'm so proud of him, and I even get to continue it by hanging some more pieces!

I went out in my former backyard/garden, and although many things expired due to the season, it is still a lovely garden and those "evergreen" plants that can withstand the summer heat and dry/wet/dry-ness are doing splendidly. In just under three months, the vines have gone crazy and expanded in every direction. All the Texas rangers are tall and happy, and my little prickly pear cactus are so much bigger! The yard was clearly watered lovingly and regularly this summer. It's fantastic here.

My pup seems to have disconnected from me significantly, which I cannot be surprised by, just slightly disappointed. He slept with me last night, and I finally got to fall asleep petting my dog, so I slept better than I have in months. It's just really nice to be in a place that feels like home.

In other FANTASTIC news, nearly a month ago I applied for a position doing an annual census of the northerly-migrating Monarch butterflies in Cape May, NJ. It looked perfect and amazing and I totally thought I'd be perfect for it...it's even PAID and we all know I'm dying to have a bit of income, especially doing something in my field. I was so pumped up about this application I sent in that I couldn't wait to check my email at every possible opportunity, but I never got any response. The application cutoff is August 1, so I thought perhaps I wouldn't hear until afterwards.

But today I got an email response requesting an interview on the 15th! So there we go, I've only been back two days, and things are starting to come up Millhouse. Finally!

shortly

I'm heading over to the Greyhound station in three and a half hours. My counterpart was quite nice today but then he got really smarmy with me about something I didn't do and was never asked to do, so of course I'm probably done talking to him. Certainly I'll continue my usual dose of light-hearted comments about whatever, but I'm finished making conversation. He doesn't deserve it. Let him wallow in his solitude for the next three weeks. I don't care.

Besides that, I'm packed. I crammed everything I could think of into all my bags and tied all those together. It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would, so that's pretty nice. I can't wait to be back on this bus, complete with even less personal space than I've usually had this summer, sharing an inch-wide arm rest with a hairy, perspiring obese man, or better yet: any kind of drowsy, gravity-battling old lady with halitosis. But all the while, they remain complete strangers, they do not follow me or demand anything from me, except perhaps a little fresh air and a few extra inches of seat space, and after only a couple hours, they are gone to where memories and weary travelers fade.

This feeling is indescribable. I do not want to make it so clear with my body language and expression that I have wanted nothing more than to leave for several weeks.

I'm so desperately excited and worried and overwhelmed that everything is going to take another dramatic shift. AHH!

can't sleep

I'm awake, at midnight, at the Riverbend Hot Springs Hostel once more. I've had a great deal of anxiety and insomnia lately, not to mention I'm just plain excited to go home. Things have looked up this past 24 hours, because I've been trying to look up I suppose.

It occurred to me how incredibly drained I feel, sapped of any energy, because I have not been able to replenish it myself, and I'm never around people who help me recharge. So when we work, even just for a few hours, I am exhausted, out of breath, sore and achy, and sometimes even spacey and disconnected. I have less than 72 hours before I find myself on that bus back to Phoenix. This is encouraging.

Also, it has been quite literally life-support to be able to stay in touch with those people back home whom I love so dearly. I most certainly would've gone totally bonkers long before the end of this if not for some understanding words and compassionate listening from my dear friends and family. Thank you VERY much, you definitely know who you are.

And the photograph thing is slow-moving. We spend very little time in one place, I often say it feels as though we're on the run from something, usually I blame Richard's unpaid American parking tickets as the cause of it all. Maybe someday I'll pull it all together, probably in some public library in Phoenix or something.

Actually, I believe it's less than 67 hours. How's THAT for a countdown?

i'll do it later

I uploaded every photograph from Richard's camera, but that was over 800 photos, and I think I'd rather do something more entertaining with my time than sift through those right now.

That being said, I've got the hostel room to myself, there's a thunderstorm brewing up outside, and I'm darn close to saying I've only FOUR days left until my imminent departure.

I had a very seriously cathartic sobbing session, totally necessary, and called my mom up for a much needed shoulder of support. She was really helpful and amazing, and instead of feeling shunned and pathetic, she empathized and talked me through it all. I'm so anxious about my cycle and having it take so much longer than usual, complete with a double-dose of hormones for every day it doesn't happen. That and money. And feeling really humiliated and isolated around my colleague, who is quite clearly just self-focused and usually not malicious. Usually..

So after a good cry, I had a big veggie sandwich at Subway, which I sat and ate very slowly and deliberately, and washed that down with three Arnold Palmers (that I made myself at the fountain) and a bag of baked potato chips. That was my fun time today. I think I was also pretty disappointed that I totally got flaked on by my Albuquerque pals. After the second unreturned call, I can take a hint, but still it made me sad.

These things and more make me miss the company of people who really do love me and can at least tolerate my less agreeable moments. I'm not seeking validation from my present company, it's just rather depressing to be so many miles away from anybody who cares and cooped up with someone who sighs deeply any time I cost a cent for my FREE HARD LABOR. Douche bag.

Whatever. I'm still just cranky and coping with loads of pent-up hormonal frustrations. But I'm fixing to watch Persepolis, this time with subtitles instead of the English dub (which was fun but glazes over the subtleties of Farsi).

Five days and one hour until I'm on a bus home.

just a little bit longer

Well, it's the Fourth of July. We started today at a very nice little hostel/ranch out in Cuba, NM, where we spent two nights. It was great because I got a dorm bed in an otherwise completely empty dorm room, so I had some privacy, and the hostel is set on 360 acres, including a pond, meadow, pine and aspen forest, several horses, and lots of happy people.

I wasn't feeling incredibly social, however, so I opted not to strike up conversations with anybody, and let Richard get some socializing in. I suppose sometimes I dominate conversations he could very likely join in on if not for being rather timid in most situations. This was his time to make buddies.

So, we stayed there late into the morning. Too late, for my taste; I really wanted to get up and start going, since I am just feeling extremely anxious about everything right now, not to mention I am dealing with an extended session of pms and am desperately trying to remain amicable. Most of the time, that means me sitting quietly placid rather than spitting venom and scowling. Then we FINALLY left for Albuquerque, where we're staying two nights at another hostel. This string of hostels is fine with me, welcome in fact, because the other option is camping in a tent that is quite literally on its last leg, out in the hot humid air.

We got here about 4:30pm, got the tour and set up our room. The staff (mostly off-duty) were congregated outside barbecuing a lot of meat and peppers, and suddenly a trio struck up in song: a guy singing and playing guitar, a girl with a violin, and another guy with an accordion!! They were playing some fantastic Creole music, and it just sounded so nice! I went out and sat in the meaty smoke and drank in the cheer of those sweet tunes.

Then we left for the Route 66 Diner, just down the street, and I had fish and chips like I did last time (but this time wasn't as good for some reason), and then we rolled over to the Albuquerque Isotopes game. We had mediocre seats, but there were over 15,000 people there, so our section had good energy, and the whole crowd managed to get a very impressive wave going and it made it all the way around FOUR TIMES! I couldn't stop giggling and clapping, it was by far the best part of the night for me.

Our team lost, but not by much, since they had a really great 9th inning. Afterwards, we watched a fantastic fireworks display set to the most god awful country music boasting "our country" and "patriotism" and crap. When they finally started playing the more apropos (albeit cliche) crashing-cymbal classical tunes, it was during the crowd's exit. I caught some photos on my phone, but again they're tiny, and I'm hoping to upload lots of photos from Richard's camera tomorrow. I'll slap more good stuff up here then, I think.

But, it's been a big effort to try and stay upbeat, because my company has been so fucking boring and blank and sometimes even snippy. We correct each other all the time, which I suppose could be construed as butting heads, but he takes contradicting what I say to unnecessary heights. I can't fucking point something out without him telling me what it actually is, he's so damned bad at conversation. I HATE IT. He's absolutely no fun to be around, he's so damned uptight! Nothing's ever funny, or easy, or lighthearted, because it's always some fact, some cold, hard piece of serious truth that I got "wrong" that he has to set me straight on.

I will not miss this person. I can't seem to have any fun with him, he never even SMILES, and if he does, it's so brief or minimal I hardly believe it. I know that's actually a very sad thing, and sure I should have a lot of compassion for someone who lets life hold him down so firmly. I know I should! It just seems like my having fun is annoying to him, so he's even more poopy and distant. The whole time we were at this game I felt like I was talking to a complete stranger who wanted me to shut up and stop bugging him. That's how he ALWAYS treats me!

Then he fucking tells me "we're a team," like he ever takes my advice or treats me like an equal. What a fucking crock.

Anyway, that's my rant. There are still so many explosions outside I doubt I'd be able to sleep right now, so I'm unwinding with the Internet. It's nearly midnight, and I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I plan to hang out with some home girls I met at the hot springs hostel in Truth or Consequences last week. Was it already last week? They seemed like a lot of fun and seem interested in chillin', which is flattering and also a very welcome getaway!

The great thing, though, is that tomorrow is the 5th of July, the next day is the 6th, after that the 7th, then the 8th, and then finally July 9th! The day I finally HEAD HOME!

This is purely the proverbial home, unfortunately, because I have no real address, no bed even, I just have a load of furniture and boxes being harbored in Phoenix. I have family and friends in Phoenix. It's a landing pad, a home base, a respite from this surreal expedition.

I am probably the brokest I've ever been, too. I am deeply nervous about this, where to find money, how to quickly obtain a job, and how to not get sucked into an immediate rut.

Why am I so worried? Don't I know that's not the way the world works? Things won't stand still until I move them, I'll get carried up in it and God will provide for my needs. Never failed before.

This is just probably the most unusual time in my life. Suddenly facing no school, no job, no home, no money, no plans, no destination, no relationship, all at once. My chest is an impact crater for how many times the reality has set in on me.

I saw some cool books in this absolutely massive catalogue called "The Whole World" about different takes on spirituality. This is always a difficult subject to write about, possibly even more difficult to read about. But I wrote down three books that piqued my fancy; one about the Aboriginal approach to the consciousness of the universe, one about Buddhist philosophies and centering oneself with the one consciousness, and one about Sufism (based on many Islamic principles). Maybe at Bookman's? That would extremely convenient.

So, it's officially tomorrow. I can now count down from FIVE days! Five five five five five.

This girl is dying to go home.

on the brighter side..

Before I take my late and badly-needed shower, I'll write about some nice things that haven't driven me crazy...

This week we were all over the place; we went through Ruidoso, NM, which is up in their White Mountains, and happens to be a popular getaway locale for nearby El Paso residents. We did our work up in Ski Apache, and it was hard hiking but we saw yet another herd of elk (including calves!) and we did have flowers and humming birds. On our drive down from there we could see huge monsoon storms for miles around. I took a load of photos with Richard's camera (since my camera lens broke and won't extend or focus properly, I'm left with just my tiny pixelated camera phone and brief opportunities to borrow Richard's) but I haven't uploaded those to my computer. All in good time.

Then from there we went back down into the desert outside Alamogordo, NM. It's a cute little town, and it's situated right next to the White Sands Missile Range, which has no public access and often closes the Highway 70 that runs alongside so that it can test bombs and other explosives. Nothing I really approve of or respect, because bombs are used in wars to kill loads of people at once, but I won't get into that. In one tiny spot, there is a state park, the White Sands National Monument, and they allow visitors pretty much at all hours (except when the missile range is blasting) all year long. We went for their Sunset Stroll, had a very interesting ranger guide who told us all about how these amazing gypsum dunes are formed and showed us how the creatures and plants survive out there. As the sun went down, the sands glowed and it became more and more lovely. Sure, I used Richard's camera quite a bit, but I also snapped some stuff with my phone. It's tiny, but you get the gist, I'm sure.

We couldn't camp at the Oliver Lee State Park, though, because as night approached the wind became really out of control. My tent has just about had it and wasn't worth trying to set up for one night anyway, because of the hard ground and my lousy soft stakes, and also because my fiberglass poles are starting to snap. I was going to sleep on the picnic table, but that would've been no good. We packed up and moved to a motel for the night, and I got to sleep in the most wonderful bed! So comfy!

Then we drove north to the Cibola National Forest outside Corona, NM. The roads to get into the forest were closed due to fire dangers, and it didn't occur to me until the next day that we shouldn't have gone down the tiny dirt road off to the side and camped and done our field points because it was UNLAWFUL to be in the forest at all. I don't like that; I'm not interested in getting ticketed or even arrested because we're trespassing without a research permit in federal land. He doesn't even care because he's not a citizen, but it actually does concern me, because I am in no way informed enough to not be worried that something bad could happen to me. I don't need a criminal record. Anyway, I started griping again...SEE? I have a hard time avoiding it.

So then we drove to Santa Fe again yesterday. We went out for Vietnamese food and i had pho, which I've been dying to have for ages (it's totally my favorite food, it's my comfort food, and it's the only reason I'll eat beef), and it was delicious. I sat there for 40 minutes and made love to my dinner...glorious.

Then I realized that the cherry tree behind our hostel is finally covered in thousands of perfectly ripe red cherries! Last night I stood under the tree in the dark and had my fill, not considering the bird poop until I got some in my mouth! Today (my day off), I had breakfast and then went out and filled a bowl to the top with a hundred perfect cherries and tried my best to eat them all. I didn't finish the bowl, and I feel a little cherried-out. I'll pick some more for when Richard comes back.

But I ought to run off and clean up, even though it's really lovely to hang around in my underwear and idly surf the 'net. Reminds me of home.

the straightaway...

We're back in Santa Fe, and I've been anxiously counting down the days in my head until I'm on a bus back to Phoenix, but today I feel okay.

Mainly, I've just seen myself become disconnected. Disengaged. I stopped seeing the beautiful things around me, it all began to blur together and things really get blurry when you're always pissed off about one thing or another. I've been really seeping loads of bad energy out, and not letting myself become re-energized by the forest and the wind and the peaceful love of the land.

In a nutshell, I'm premenstrual. But I've been feeling cross for much longer than that, I've been tired and fed up and cranky for weeks; unfortunately a large portion of the 63 days I've spent out doing this work. That makes me sad that I've compromised my potentially stellar recommendation just so I could be pouty and immature and gripe to myself about how hard and unfair it all is.

Also, I've felt as though I keep losing my grasp on things. For example, I'll tell myself I just can't take it anymore, or I'll start pummeling myself about being slow or fat or not good enough in some other fashion, or I'll have convinced myself that Richard hates my guts because I'm not the fantastic field assistant I made myself out to be and that I, in fact, am annoying and too inquisitive and expect too much and contribute so little. I can't appreciate myself or him, and depending on the time of day or how long it's been since a real bed and a shower, I'm either bashing him or myself as part of my deeply critical inner-monologue. How is that fair?

Today I've gone over my dunes of craziness and back down onto saner, more level ground. I've been praying very hard about it, and I really want to again be the positive influence on this work that I used to be so many weeks ago. I've made a lot of effort to stop frowning or swearing when the going gets tough (because YIKES! the hiking is quite usually EXTREMELY DIFFICULT!), when I'm pouring sweat because it is both hot and humid as hell, or when I fall and hurt myself (which I seem to do 50 times more often than Richard, so it is both frustrating and humiliating to bash my bones and softer parts when we usually do not have any flowers to speak of).

Am I really not cut out for this because I am a big crazy mess? Because everything I say to myself sounds so much like what my mom used to say to me growing up? Why can't I hack it? I was feeling so confident, so svelte, so cheerful, but that went away really quickly, and I sit and stew over the littlest things! I FUCKING WENT TO THERAPY TO STOP DOING THIS!

And here I am, at odds with my own bad attitude, not wanting to make life difficult, but not being able to shake the feelings of injustice that so often overcome me.

I don't have any doubts that the last eight days of this journey are going to be easy enough. We've had loads of interesting experiences, and for the most part, I've been motivated to move forward. But my heart hasn't been in it for a big chunk of the time, and I feel bad about that. I regret not doing it differently, but when I'm right in the moment, I don't have a clue how I could've just magically dosed myself with an attitude adjustment.

Either way, I know I'm responsible for my own behavior. I don't want to be a bad field assistant, that someone looks back on and regrets hiring me, because God knows I've been there and it scarred me deeply. I know I brought a load of emotional baggage on this trip and I guess there wasn't much I could do about it.

I talked to my mom last night and, of course, I feel worse for it. She definitely echoes all those nasty things I say about myself to myself when I'm feeling really low. I know I'm unusually hormonal, but dare I suggest that I'm on the cusp of depression once more? I really hate that land, it's dark and so lonely, and I don't care whether I die by lightning or volcano or atom bomb, just so long as it happens quickly.

In eight days, of course, things will be picking up speed in a different direction. I'll be headed home and trying to shuffle everything around for my friends' wedding and being in Tucson again and so on. But when I get back to Phoenix, the place of many former woes, how will I get back on my feet? Sure, I'll make it happen, probably, most likely.. But when can I be happy? It can't possibly be about me allowing myself to be happy, because I frickin' feel like I've tried that, and it's so short-lived.

Anyway, I'm going out of my way to be very nice and upbeat for my colleague here. He's losing his assistant and it's going to significantly impair his research methods, in the off-chance my contribution has been helpful or appreciated, and he has spent a great deal of money having me along, so I'm trying to be light-hearted and enthusiastic once more.

A big rock fell on me and I can't seem to get out from under it.

Dangerously premenstrual.

chillin' in a hot tub

I'm in Truth or Consequences, NM.

To be frank, I've been cooling my heels in the hot springs at the Riverbend Hot Springs hostel, off on the east side of this little town. I've been here since Monday afternoon, since Richard dropped me off. He went off to Denver to deal with the rental car insurance (entirely HIS mistake) and put me up here because I absolutely refused to go to with him on that 13-hour drive one way. It's just not part of my volunteer job description. I could go up and down about why I feel justified in standing my ground, but let's just say I still felt a little guilty that he had to make that long trip himself.

But I read an entire mystery novel ("Orchid Beach" by Stuart Woods) that I found in the common area of the women's dorm, I've sat in the hot springs every evening (it's too hot during the day to sit in 107-degree water), and I've had PRIVACY!!

Everybody here, like at most of the hostels I've stayed at on this trek, is awesome. Nobody is too uptight for a relaxed conversation about whatever pleases them, and if they are, then there's always somebody else who's up for talking. There's AC in the dorm room, I only have one roommate who really prefers to keep to herself, and I've got all the time to myself I want. Glorious.

I even saw bats last night! That's always nice.

Two weeks from today I'll be on a bus on my way HOME HOME HOME HOME!!!

forgot to mention!

It was really nice to be in the San Juan National Forest all week, but I completely forgot to mention the excitement of the Dolores River Festival!!

So, we got there around 1:30pm, and all these outdoorsy-looking people are parking around this cute little park and walking over to the entrance. There was a band called Formula 151 playing, but they were almost done, and there was already a little hippie circle of ladies dancing in a very far-out way...

The park green was lined with little booths and there were a ton of people with blankets and chairs and stuff down in the center facing the two stages. Richard took off to get food and I meandered around the booths, and then bought a margarita at the brewery stand and sat down for the music. It was gone too quickly, and so when I went for a refill I found out I could get an extra shot for another buck! So, my second margarita was much nicer and stronger, and then I got hungry and went to stand in line at the gyro stand, and found Richard still waiting (but much closer to the front)!! So I joined him and we bought some delicious Greek food (even vegetarian for me!) and sat down to listen to the next group. Then he went to move the car near the campgrounds on the park and set up his tent, and I got my third margarita + extra shot. I sat out on the grass amid hundreds of strangers, and found myself just plain drunk!

I figured I'd go get another veggie gyro and stood in line again (because this time I was drunk so I didn't mind waiting!) and struck up a conversation (surprised?) with this totally awesome lady and happily killed time until we made it to the front. While we were in line, a band came on called "Bigga Digga" and they were toted this great funk band of Denver or something, so obviously we were going to have to dance. Then I sat down with my food and my booze at the front of the crowd and this band launched into the second song of their set.

It just wasn't possible not to get up and start dancing, this music was funk-ay, and so halfway through my food I stood up and just let myself go, barefoot and buzzin', and gradually some other ladies came up and joined me. They didn't stay the whole time, though, and every song was so good, too good to sit back down. I just stayed there and danced, practically by myself, until the wave of other girls would come again (two other pre-teens were there and seemed emboldened by my unwavering presence, so they helped me hold up the fort, so to speak). By their last two songs, there was a solid group of people dancing, though I think there should have been more.

The bassist came up and thanked me for jamming out afterwards, and he was really cool, so we had ourselves a nice little conversation. He invited me to come party with them after the festival, and I considered it. Then the next band came on (the headliners), called Euforquestra, and they SHOOK THE HOUSE. Except it was outdoors at a park. These guys had some Brazilian, Cuban, Nigerian, Reggae, and Funk goin' on. STELLAR. Unbelievable energy and comprised entirely of hotties!

They started their first song and I didn't waste two seconds before I was on my feet dancing, and THIS time people joined me pretty quickly. I love it when everybody's dancing, and I was grinning (and drunk) and happy and dancing, and then some photographer snapping all sorts of shots of the band started taking pictures of ME. He came up and had me write my name in some notebook and asked me where I was from. Hey! I guess I wasn't making a complete fool out of myself up there :)

So there had to be at least 100 people dancing, and this band was so good, it was hard not to. Even Richard got up and started dancing after a while (I don't know how he could ever resist). Eventually, though, I got pretty dehydrated and started hitting up the drinking fountain over and over, and then I got a raging headache (probably from drinking, dehydration, screaming and yelling for the bands, and being smack in front of a speaker the whole time) and drifted over to buy a CD and t-shirt to show my support.

After the show, and two amazing encores (a Talking Heads cover and some P-Funk mixed cover), I was damn-near onto a migraine, and had to go set up my tent in the nearby campground. It was getting dark and I could barely see, let alone think through this tent set-up crap, but eventually, and finally, my tent was up and my Advil was kicking in. I just wanted to show up at the brewery briefly to reaffirm my support for Bigga Digga, since they were so good and the bassist was so enthusiastic about hanging out with me there. Soon enough, I dragged myself over and bought some OJ on the way, and Richard and I arrived at the brewery to see the party continuing. The bassist guy came right up to me and gave me a copy of their new album, and then a beer! We stuck around and chatted with the members of the band while they drank and partied happily. I got so many thanks and hugs for being the "friendly face" in the crowd that vigorously grooved out, and that was nice.

Anyway, so the next morning, after nursing that headache until crashing hard in my tent, I went wandering over to the bathrooms at the park, and passed by a couple who were making coffee and breakfast in the grass. They said they recognized me from yesterday, the girl who was dancing, and I laughed and concurred. On my way back past them, we struck up a conversation and I ended up sitting down with them and having coffee and cantaloupe! They live in Durango and love it. It was totally like Livestock or something, having next-day pow-wows with strangers who shared my vibes. They took off later on and went rafting, and I packed up and was dropped off at the Forest Service bunkhouse. So now you're all caught up. I have two new CDs, a new t-shirt, even more confidence, and a nice tan from spending all day dancing in the sunlight!

_____________________________________________________

Today, we're in Aztec, NM, which is somewhere in the Four Corners area. We did a point yesterday outside Durango (which is a great little town after all), then stayed at a gorgeous campsite that Richard didn't want to pay the fee for. I knew we'd get in trouble for it, too, because it's Friday night and it was totally packed. Sure enough, some guy came around and wrote down our license plate number, and when I told Richard he scrambled to pay the fee. So ha. Dishonesty doesn't fly with me. I have no respect for it.

Then today we drove back into New Mexico, and I said goodbye to Colorado for the rest of the summer. It sure was pretty there, and chilly! Now we're in dumpy old northwestern New Mexico, and today we did two points (one was on someone's private property and Richard just shrugged when I told him!! Lame!) where every time I stopped walking, a swarm of cedar gnats would bombard my head. They whine in your ears and bite your forehead, ears and scalp! And there are thousands of them, so don't slow down! It was miserable, especially because I had hundreds of flowers and four different species, so I had to count diligently. Of course, I'll admit, it was lovely to be surrounded by all these bright red, pink, and purple flowers, just not the gnats! The second point didn't have any flowers at all, the ground was so parched, just a million sage and all those friggin' gnats! I have no idea if any hummingbirds even came to the feeders (I'm assuming none did) because I pulled my shirt over my face for the 30 minutes we had to sit there for the observations. HORRIBLE.

Tomorrow I'm taking the day off. It is Father's Day, which is significant for me because 6 years ago it was the last day I saw my father alive. I plan to call my step dad and Toby's dad and my brother and my friend Andy. I also plan to sit next to the pool they have here, even though the pool is closed, and I will expose my crazy pale legs to the daylight. Also, possibly, there will be a walk across the street to the Vanilla Moose for some ice cream.

I haven't had a day off since Sunday, and I have worked HARD this week, so this will be a good day of retrospection and healing, as well as re-combobulating my attitude (which has been very discombobulated as of late). I will also be sleeping in, because I earned it. Last night I slept in the front seat of the Aveo, and I paid dearly for it with my back aching like crazy today.

So, if I have time, I might slap a few of my photographs in here, to make up for half a dozen long entries with no visuals besides my impeccable descriptions of things. I'm sure you're ready to see some pictures, even if you did manage to check out my photobucket album.

That's all until tomorrow!

feeling confident and savvy

I'm with the Forest Service this week, and I have to say I really enjoy the work, and I feel totally at peace with and capable of what the job requires. Everyone here is totally geared toward protecting the forest habitat (because it's on the federal level, state protects wildlife specifically) and it's nice to see what they all do to collaborate in the name of conservation.

Sunday night I arrived and got settled in at the bunkhouse (where all the seasonal employees live) in my very own room in an awesome new, warm, comfy bed. Everybody else is two to a room, so I can't believe my good fortune! Everybody has been really nice and welcoming so far, except one guy, who was really cool on Sunday night and we ended up having a lot of things to talk about, until he started kind of putting the moves on me. I wasn't receptive or non-receptive; I'm just not interested in anything like that, but it did come as a great compliment! Well, the next morning and ever since, he's been a complete jerk to me, so whatever. He's got all his own crazy-person problems.

Monday morning we all had to go to an employee meeting, where everybody went around and gave an update of their most recent successes and projects, which was really cool. We all had to introduce ourselves, too, because there are so many new seasonal employees, and then I got a second introduction from the Wildlife Department head, who mentioned the work "I'm" doing with hummingbirds and how that related to a new project they're starting with hummers. It was cool to get a little spotlight in the midst of so many awesome, hard-working people. Then I went out with the wildlife crew and did some transects in the Canyons of the Ancients at Riley Mesa looking for the rare Long-nosed Leopard Lizard, which we didn't find. We did see three Collard Lizards, a Desert Spiny Lizard, and a buttload of Whiptail and common lizards (I saw the spiny and a collard myself!), and then we marked the four big lizards with GPS, since they're probably all territorial and wouldn't have leopard lizards nearby.

Monday night we went camping with a wildlife biologist working on a marsh protection project. The girls split off from the guys, and we camped in separate parts of the forest (so we could each do some waterfowl surveys at separate marshes the next morning). Boy was it nice to sit in a car with TWO FEMALES for a change! One was the wildlife biologist and one was a seasonal employee, and they were both so nice and interesting. I like women.

Anyway, the next morning, I woke us all up at 5:15am, and we drove out to this glorious marsh with the golden sunrise glittering on the surface of the water. There were a ton of ducks, coots, and grebes out there, and we set up a scope on the back of the pickup and attempted to identify the different species, count males and females, and especially look for ducklings as a sign of nest success. We saw three clutches (one mother had 11 ducklings following here in the water!!), and mallards, which are an indicator species for decent nesting areas in a forest where browsing livestock destroy EVERYTHING. The wildlife biologist has a plan in place to have a huge fence built around this area to keep those pesky cows out and maintain suitable nesting habitat for all these migratory waterfowl. Since there are a bunch of domestic laws protecting migrating birds and their habitats, this is a big deal, and getting its protection approved is a huge accomplishment for her career, so it was really cool to be involved in that!

Then we were driving down the road to meet the guys for a goshawk nest survey, and a hawk flew in front of our truck, so we hopped out and found a NEST with two Cooper's Hawks, right off the side of the road. We couldn't tell if there were chicks in there, but we did see the signs of feeding and plucking (a bunch of feathers stuck to a big dead bull snake draped on a branch right below the next), so it was cool to catch an active nest site. COOL. I keep using that word, but it fits the moment and I'm tired so whatever.

So then we met the guys and our wildlife biologist went off on another project she had to do. We went to this area and looked for a goshawk nest in an established territory (but with six-year-old information and directions), but we couldn't find it. We walked and walked, and used this goshawk call on an mp3 player that blasted it across the forest, but we got no response from any hawks. Then we came back to the truck, and spotted a Sharp-shinned Hawk, a smaller, equally territorial raptor that would probably indicate that there aren't any Goshawks nearby. Oh well.

I had a lot of time to kill back at the bunkhouse, but mostly I sat around and watched TV (I know! I hate TV usually, but it was literally the only thing to do besides go hiking again and my feet and legs are usually pretty tired after work).

Yesterday I went with another guy to help a lady from the Colorado Division of Wildlife (so, they're state folks so they work directly with animals) who is doing a Gunnison's Prairie Dog monitoring project in order to determine their potential need for an increased conservation status (from Priority 2 to Endangered) because of rarity and loss of habitat. So yesterday was the most fun I've had in ages because we set all these little metal traps around this prairie dog "town" with handfuls of bait (horse oats and sweet feed), then we sat far away and waited for them to come out of their holes. We were so far we needed binoculars to even spot the little blue flags waving above the traps, but we could see the little guys investigating these curious things. We caught four juveniles, so they were pretty small, and we couldn't draw blood samples from them. I did the anesthesia, so I had a tube with some isoflorane-soaked cottonballs at the bottom that I held over the nose of the dog while I held its scruff tightly in case it kicked or tried to bite or whatever. I was also watching the little sleepy eyes and breathing to make sure I didn't kill it or put it in a coma or something devastating, so I'd give some fresh air periodically. The other guys put flea powder on the dogs and picked off fleas as they surfaced, took tiny tissue samples from their ears with a punch, and collected data on each animal. It was a great team effort and I learned SO MUCH. Plus, baby prairie dogs are so friggin' cute! Then we released them back out, and they scurried into holes and cursed noisily from the safety of their dens. Adorable.

On our way back to the Public Lands Office, the other guy and I did some radio telemetry on the one bat the wildlife biologist from the waterfowl thing had caught a couple weeks ago. We found the bat roosting in a tree on the bank of the Dolores River, and his collar was putting out a strong signal. So now I've managed to mesh my radio telemetry experience with my bat experience, if ever briefly. That feels pretty good.

Then, that other guy and his roommate drove me down into town so I could buy a few groceries (because there's a freakin' refrigerator at the bunkhouse! why shouldn't I take advantage of that??), including a tube of cookie dough...I'm thinking I'll bake cookies tonight. :) I walked the mile and a half back and looked for the chorus frogs singing in the river by the side of the road, but they kept shutting up as soon as I got close, so no luck.

So then today we went out in the morning with a plant biologist who has a vested interest in a rare plant called Triteleia grandiflora, and she showed us where the local (and probably only) population of these flowers was. We walked around and took pictures and noted what kinds of distribution the flowers had, in hopes of coming across more on our individual projects. For me, I think it's great because I can keep an eye peeled during our vegetation surveys when I get back to working with Richard.

After that, a group of us went to look for some Goshawk nests in established territories (they tend to return year after year to the same 500 or so square meters). We found two nests right where we thought they'd be, and they looked like fresh construction, but there were no obvious signs of activity, like feathers or bird poop or animal bones anywhere nearby, and we didn't get any response to our blasting mp3 calls.

So, now I'm sitting in a very quiet cubicle in the Forest Service office, prevented from accessing MySpace, and searching out some potential job opportunities for the very near future.

It has been really, extremely nice to have a change of pace and a change of faces.

Also, I updated my CV and I feel pretty good about the contents. I think my confidence is back where it should be for me to land a sweet gig really soon. HOPE HOPE HOPE.