the Jitters

so, i'm actually really happy right now.  of course, for me and everyone else i'm sure, happiness is rather cyclical, and the road gets bumpy and we all deal with it how we do, but for me this is a new and different brand of happiness.

i recently reflected on the span of my lifetime, recalling my happiest times in childhood and young adulthood and official adulthood.  the sheer dearth of joy from what should have been my most carefree years and the subsequent compounding damage and bitterness as i aged are an appalling discovery of how infrequently i felt truly happy.

as a child, i had a mixture of people who loved me and treated me gently and people who were harsh, abusive, and entirely selfish with me.  in my immediate family, four of seven adults were extremely abusive, so i lacked the safety and security i certainly deserved.

i acted out in response to that for the next decade or so, emotionally flailing and flopping and never developing a sense of self love or self respect.  i waged war on my body for years.

i lost my father, my stepfather was exposed, and my mother was diagnosed, and i moved away and out of the pit of unhappy memories and unhealthy family ties again and again until i finally found a foothold in a city not far away while attending university.  my heart was still wrenched and scarred, and i had so much undealt-with pain, but finding myself in a new environment at least allowed me to associate my past with somewhere else.

though i knew it was an absolute necessity, i put off seeking professional help for my endless unhappiness, for three years after it occurred to me that i really did need it.  when i finally did see a therapist, i had so much repressed that dredging it back up was an absolute nightmare, but it was the first priority in healing.  all of a sudden, i had a breakthrough, and i was the happiest i'd ever been in my whole entire life!  i was literally high on life!  of course, i was around people at work and at home who were not so deliriously happy, and it was a matter of time before i let my environment bring me back down again.  but i had tasted it, the sheer weightlessness of it, and i wanted to be happy again!

luckily, i am loved.  i always have been, but i frequently can't see that, because i most often did not love myself at all.  i have wonderful friends, amazing people i consider as close and dear as family (the non-abusive kind!), and i did my fair share of relying on them to carry me through some of these really dark patches.  my faith has also strengthened deeply, and i am satisfied that spiritually, my heart rests in the right Hands.

but i am always on the move, always searching.  perhaps running.  i have had more happy moments and much closer together than i can ever remember growing up, but i have still let the emotional scars control me, i still struggle with loving myself.

living abroad has somehow, indirectly, put things in perspective for me.  it has been an excellent opportunity to get to know myself better.  additionally, i have been doing things for myself that i really enjoy that offer such benefits as having new skills, losing weight, increased stamina, social interaction, creative catharsis, and being just plain ol' fun to do.  i'm feeling and looking fit and healthy, i've done a lot of personal analysis and hopefully gleaned some wisdom from it, and i can share and contribute my life and wisdom to those around me.

but most importantly, i think, i have reconnected with LOVE.  it was always part of my philosophy, that love is the fiber of the universe, but living that truth took shedding a lot of layers and skins and delusions and misconceptions about myself and others and life.  i have found a deep respect and love for myself.  i love who i am and i'm very proud of who i am.

and i absolutely adore children!  it is their happy energy that has inspired me in so many ways to search myself for joy and love.  working with them is truly fulfilling, and i am so grateful to have this chance.

so i am very happy.

additionally, i seem to have met someone to whom i've taken quite a fancy.  i never thought i'd feel butterflies in my stomach again, and it has been years and years.  i was really afraid i wouldn't find someone who appreciated and understood so much about me (which is a big reason why i held so tightly to toby; he understands and knows and loves so much about me, i couldn't justify sacrificing that), and i was skeptical i'd ever meet someone who challenged me intellectually the way toby does.  the foundation of this, however, is such novelty for me:  completely honest communication.  sometimes i can feel myself balking at being sincerely romantic, but so far i am ecstatic to be involved in something that is emotionally mature and mutually enthusiastic.  it is so nice to feel special enough for the effort.

juxtaposing life now to life before this, i can say with certainty that i am happy much more often than i can ever remember being.  it is a liberating weight off my heart, i feel so much energy, i have so much more room to stretch and grow.  i can share my love with others, and with myself.  i'm staying in korea even longer than i planned, because why ruin a good thing, right?

i think i'm moving on up.

a brief reflection

sometimes i forget that i'm still young and that from the outside it looks extremely easy for me to move on from one situation to the other.  in actuality, i am frequently bogged down by what i consider to be sticky decision-making.

letting the past stay in the past is really difficult when i keep packing the past up with me and taking it out every time i feel even slightly insecure.  i keep reaching backwards to the comfort of something that wasn't ever totally healthy and is probably completely a lost cause now.  i'm not a fixer, i don't try to change others, but i do want to help nurture and support those i love.  saying goodbye to a flawed relationship is so complicated, but i've been through this process before.  it just involves so much grieving.  it was the same with my dad.  it was the same with various dear friends who changed their minds about our friendship.  women tend to define themselves by the many relationships in which they participate, family, friends, lovers, acquaintances and coworkers, students, and so on.  i'm no exception.

i can't picture the aftermath and the calamity of finally moving myself forward to be emotionally available to someone new, someone who didn't watch me grow up, someone who knows nothing about my abused childhood, someone to whom i would be obliged to explain so many things.  i hate the pity that ensues from some people, when compassion is beyond their grasp, but they still want to try and benefit my cause by donating some emotional charity.  it won't go away, it's part of my life, it shaped who i am, those were my challenges and my lessons and i'm stronger because of that.

it's just so deeply disappointing to know i need to let go of someone who truly understands me, because he has no goals, no ambitions, no dreams, and no motivation.  i wanted for so long to be his motivation, but i set myself to be let down when i was just never worth the effort.

so, i guess, let the real grieving begin.

Dalian

For the Chuseok Holiday (Korean Thanksgiving), I went to visit my friend's parents who have just moved to an area outside of Dalian, China, to teach at an international school.  Luckily, I was able to secure a substitute for my last two classes on Thursday evening, and made it to the airport limousine stop just in time to grab the next shuttle.  It was a nail-biter on the way out of the city, because it was not only rush hour but also the city had begun to evacuate to the country and families' homes outside of Seoul for the holiday weekend.  Oddly, there was nearly no traffic on the highways, at least not on the way to the international airport!

I flew in on the 60th anniversary of the People's Republic, which carried on the theme of unity and fundamental rule that China had already embraced for nearly two millenia, so of course people everywhere were delirious with celebration (I had just missed the fireworks display in Dalian).  This also happened to be the weekend of the Mid-Autumn Moon Festival (similar to Chuseok in Korea), celebrating the first full moon of fall (which was Saturday), and nearly everyone had about a week off of work, so lots of stores and restaurants were closed.

I stayed at the Golden Pebble Beach National Resort, right next to Tim and Agnes' school, where they had an "assisted apartment" therein.  It was so nice, and clean, and practically empty, since they moved from India in August and were still awaiting the shipment with all their 17-years-of-living-abroad household furnishings and decor.  It'll surely be amazing once they've really settled in!

The beach was serene and clear, but with hardly any shells or creatures on the beach, due to the extreme over-fishing of the waters, and practically empty of people as well.  The area around the resort was heavily landscaped, but still very peaceful and quiet, and the whole place is remote and truly accessible only by car or bicycle (it's just too far to walk anywhere else).

We went into a smaller city called Kai Fa Qu and shopped around on Friday, and then had dinner at a hot pot restaurant where you order a specific broth flavor and various things to boil in it, and you mix your choice of condiments in a bowl and dip those boiled things in and then eat them on rice.  Tim and Agnes are thankfully both vegetarians, so we enjoyed tons of mushrooms and greens in a pepper broth and a mushroom broth, and several Snow Draft beers.  We walked around afterwards in the nightlife area of Kai Fa Qu that had the most curious architecture.  Some resembled Candy Land, while others had giant creatures and flowers attached to the facade; not as much neon as Korea, probably because we were out a bit early on a big holiday weekend.  We had a cocktail at an "Australian" bar that was far too smokey, and then went home and to bed.

Saturday I joined Agnes for breakfast (I ate a tiny fresh pizza!) and a "foot" massage, which included neck, shoulders, back, and legs.  The foot portion was clearly the tour de force, however, and they clearly applied reflexology.  Afterwards, we went shopping at an outdoor produce market for all the fruit and veggies Tim and Agnes would eat during the week.  I bought some moon cakes and some fun jewelry.   After coming home and eating lunch, I took a lovely nap, and then Agnes and I walked to the beach, where she read a book and I went swimming in the sea.  It was a bit chilly, but not too much.  We walked around after sunset and found our way to the amusement park nearby, looking for the entrance and a possible cab to take us home, but we could find neither.  Odd.  It seems, in China, that every man with a car is a potential cab driver, as long as he knows where to go and can negotiate a suitable price beforehand.  We nearly never rode in a legitimate cab (often because they did not know where the resort was), but the "cab" we found to get home from the amusement park nearly killed us and we had less than a mile to go AND there were possibly only 3 other cars on the road, but he veered into opposing traffic and timed his turns POORLY.  We had dinner, watched Australian TV, and went down to the gym.  They went to bed, and I watched a DVD before also turning in.

Sunday, we packed up and took a trip to Dalian on the light rail.  The trip was very nice, and the architecture in Dalian is really spectacular.  We tried to take a cab from the railway station, but again no cabs would drive us the six blocks to the hotel.  Agnes mangaged to speak to the driver of a tiny, green, 3-wheeled green bean that resembled a car and convince him to take us.  He drove against traffic on a one-lane road for several blocks while I held a map open for him, and then when we found the ritzy hotel we sought, the concierge wouldn't let our green bean drive up into the vallet.  Too fancy for a dirty green bean?!  It was hilarious.  We took our stuff up to the mini-suite on the 25th floor (they were unexpectedly upgraded!), and went down to the basement for the in-house German microbrewery for lunch.  I had a massive litre of Paulaner's Dark House beer, fresh pretzels, and egg speitzel, and I was SO tired!  Afterwards, we went across the street and walked all around Labor Park, which was alive with celebrations and tai chi performances and happy children and adults.  It was a glorious sunny Sunday afternoon.  We had an amazing time.

After the park, we had some coffee at the hotel, I grabbed my stuff, and took a cab back to the airport (my cab driver drove insanely, as though I were going into labor).  I watched my last Chinese sunset before boarding the plane and making my way back to Seoul.

A fabulous vacation!