homesickness, et cetera

after insisting to every person with whom i reconvened last week in arizona that i was quite happy with my life in korea, i am finding myself with a severe case of homesickness and persistent melancholy.  my trip home was too short, i think.  i wasn't ready to leave when i had to leave, i wanted to share in more of my loved ones' lives; a few more hours, a few more days.  everyone seems to be doing so well, so cheerful and motivated.

then again, i felt a bit out of place there, because i do have a life in korea with which i am comfortable.  i am used to saying things in english and exchanging similar phrases in korean, a habit that merely confused my friends in phoenix and tucson.  i spent so much time sitting inside and eating heavy foods and never walking or kicking or dancing, i certainly plumped back up a bit.  i tried to walk or bike to my destinations, but it was so hot i only walked twice.  and i enjoyed driving far too much to walk anywhere in phoenix.

and i have conveniently placed myself in a frame of mind that prevents me from moving on or moving back together with toby.  is it over?  will it ever be?  neither of us has made much progress in independent singledom, yet we have fundamental differences in life momentum that may never bring us back together.  dare i take yoshi back?  i've pointed myself at graduate school like an arrow, and the life of a researcher tends to lack certain permanence or routine that a little dog depends on.  since my return this has weighed heavily on my heart.

i had only anticipated the strangeness of returning to north america during a strange economic time, not the consequential emotions of leaving north america again.  it shook me up and in my travel-related fatigue, i am unable to find peace or solace.  i am once again between worlds.

and yet, the one nagging voice behind it all tells me to wait.  patience, have patience.  because i am driven, and i try to make the changes i want to see, i am most often briefly put off by obstacles of this nature.  i take steps back and i regroup, and then i approach with my new strategy, or i simply charge at the blockade and this is usually effective.  my instinct is to push through it, but with this i suspect that won't work anyhow.

i have such a short attention span that i find myself with new small, bite-sized goals that i can easily barrel through if i so much as try, and it has led to a string of interesting and tangential life events and relocations, hence my present circumstances.

when i came back from beijing i had a similar period of mourning, if you will, since there is such a huge difference in culture, attitude and pace of life between seoul and beijing (coincidentally sister cities).  there was so much more i wanted to see and do, and i just wanted more time to absorb the feelings i experienced while there.  i suppose that sounds very whistful and cerebral, and maybe that's exactly what i am, but more than any photograph or souvenir, i can conjure up a vivid recollection of my heart and so i try to make sure i have something nice to remember.  i'm not proud of the moments where i was dissatisfied, tired and cross.  coming back to korea, i could only see the uptight, pushy, xenophobic side, since i resented having to be here rather than getting to stick around in yet another land and learn about it.

get over it, right?!  international travel isn't free, not everybody gets to do it, i should count my blessings.  i'm lucky i went home at all, i'm extremely blessed to have those people to welcome me back so graciously, who were all so pleased to have my company.  my grandmother is well, my family seems happy, no major crises, no illnesses, no deaths (in the family).  and furthermore, i'm so blessed to have good friends in korea to come back to.  i have to stop getting myself worked up into such a self-pitying lather and getting so caught up in a feeling.

these are the back in korea blues, i suppose.  why, i'm even blessed that i have a computer, internet, and fingers with which i can complain about it all on myspace.

a blessed place

I know, I've been very bad about updating my blog here. I got busy, I had a month of nothing but LOST episodes, traveled to Osaka for a weekend, and got serious about belly dance and taekwondo. I also powered my way through a nice, successful attitude adjustment. Another one, I guess.

A lot of time has been spent planning for things, working out, and traveling around. I came to Arizona for a week and I've been rekindling my love for the Sonoran desert (which I obviously already loved). I'm leaving in a day but I'm having a great vacation like it's waking up briefly from a dream I've been having for almost a year. I'll be asleep again soon, back in Korea, working my way through another year, most likely...

Most notably, I'm spending valuable time with Yoshi. All my friends that I've been able to get in touch with are doing so well and are so healthy and happy, so it's really wonderful to see them too.

What a vacation!