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On the same day that I conceive the first draft of a recommendation letter I'd like my boss to sign for me, I am spotted being late to work and exposed for being quite behind in the progress for two separate levels of students. It makes me look like a real jackass...certainly not one deserving of any kind of recommendation or high esteem.
My heart HURTS right now. I don't even feel like being nice to my students. They don't deserve my coldness, but I'm stressed out that they aren't improving in their understanding at the standard I'm supposed to guide them, and this is because they aren't paying attention and that frustrates me and I don't hide it.
And Adi, who sends a million mixed signals, somehow thinks he's the center focus of all my attention and fancies himself the reason for my stress and dismay. He routinely blows me off, something I absolutely hate, and I was ready to stop talking to him weeks ago....and then his friend died, and his was distraught, so I sucked it up and decided that he needed me to be a supportive friend. So that's what I have been. But I don't ever expect him to follow through on plans, ever. In fact, I know he'll cancel, or postpone, or show up so late, or have something else to do in addition to seeing me. I'm not demanding to be the center of his attention, but dammit! Why do I have be so expendable? Why is my time and availability taken for granted so?? It's such an insult. On the other hand, I find it impossible to deliberately burn a bridge, or say goodbye to any relationship, no matter how painful and destructive, certainly thanks to being the child of an alcoholic with regular disappearing acts...I know never to count on anyone following through on any promises until it actually happens, and I remain very flexible and tolerant to their bullshit instead of just protecting myself from the hurt it always causes.
Why can't I just stop talking to someone who hurts me again and again?
Why can't I just pull myself together and behave as a punctual, organized adult with responsibilities and obligations? I hate to let people down, but I just let myself down with all my procrastination and timidity.
I'm having trouble believing in myself today.
6.15.2010
6.14.2010
3 x 7.
Actually even less than that. Just 20 days until I depart this land I will have called home for 20 months. Novelty faded away long ago, discomfort came and went at times, romance occurred momentarily more than once, and I managed to change my philosophy and lifestyle manyfold.
In these past few weeks, as I grieve the impending loss of this life and these relationships and this city, emotional songs carry more weight, and wise statements and adages strike me as more significant, profound and relevent. I'm facing changes I obviously cannot even fathom. "What's life without a risk or two?" I gleaned from an episode of American Idol. My friend from decades ago (no kidding!) reassured me that I may be going back to Phoenix, but it's not the same Phoenix and I'm not the same in it. Every retrospection on change as healthy, natural and beneficial helps to ease my heart. I feel so sentimental about every experience with friends, and even more so now.
The problem is that lately I've been quite sensitive, and my friends have suddenly increased their frequency of canceled plans and unavailability. I know it's all on my end, but this is the time when I don't want to have to fish for their attention, and when I ask them to work me into their schedules, I find it hurtful that it is such low priority. I don't demand much from friends, but I do ask that when something is important to me, they be supportive of that. With very little time left to spend with me, I'm tired of hearing, "You're leaving HOW SOON? OMG, we should get together before you go!" and then having nobody follow through. I'm so sick of flakey friends.
Meanwhile, I find no peace at my apartment. I've stripped the walls and tabletops of any decor and either stacked or packed it. I'm trying to sort through the clothing I plan to either ship home, give away, throw away, or pack for Thailand. A distance friend recently surmised that I should be psyching myself up about my vacation...I fully agree, I should. I'm trying, a little bit, to think on that bright side. My house is a chaotic mess. I went from sewing feverishly to finish costumes for my big bellydancing performance to going vegetative from fatigue to shifting gears into moving.
Also, I need to be responsible and spell out a budget for myself. Since I am not directly landing into the financial safety of a new job in Arizona, I should certainly lay out a plan for what money I will have to live on. This budget will have to account for vacation expenses, shipment of boxes and luggage, a few more payments on student loans, final bill payments, and the obligatory good-bye parties that I'm sure will commence in my final days in Seoul.
My mom's planning to pay me to help do some work on the exterior of the house, so I will happily use that bit of income.
I am looking forward to meeting up with one of my best girlfriends in Thailand. She's so relaxing and inspiring to be around. I'm sure we will share an unforgettable, incredible experience together. That will be nice.
In these past few weeks, as I grieve the impending loss of this life and these relationships and this city, emotional songs carry more weight, and wise statements and adages strike me as more significant, profound and relevent. I'm facing changes I obviously cannot even fathom. "What's life without a risk or two?" I gleaned from an episode of American Idol. My friend from decades ago (no kidding!) reassured me that I may be going back to Phoenix, but it's not the same Phoenix and I'm not the same in it. Every retrospection on change as healthy, natural and beneficial helps to ease my heart. I feel so sentimental about every experience with friends, and even more so now.
The problem is that lately I've been quite sensitive, and my friends have suddenly increased their frequency of canceled plans and unavailability. I know it's all on my end, but this is the time when I don't want to have to fish for their attention, and when I ask them to work me into their schedules, I find it hurtful that it is such low priority. I don't demand much from friends, but I do ask that when something is important to me, they be supportive of that. With very little time left to spend with me, I'm tired of hearing, "You're leaving HOW SOON? OMG, we should get together before you go!" and then having nobody follow through. I'm so sick of flakey friends.
Meanwhile, I find no peace at my apartment. I've stripped the walls and tabletops of any decor and either stacked or packed it. I'm trying to sort through the clothing I plan to either ship home, give away, throw away, or pack for Thailand. A distance friend recently surmised that I should be psyching myself up about my vacation...I fully agree, I should. I'm trying, a little bit, to think on that bright side. My house is a chaotic mess. I went from sewing feverishly to finish costumes for my big bellydancing performance to going vegetative from fatigue to shifting gears into moving.
Also, I need to be responsible and spell out a budget for myself. Since I am not directly landing into the financial safety of a new job in Arizona, I should certainly lay out a plan for what money I will have to live on. This budget will have to account for vacation expenses, shipment of boxes and luggage, a few more payments on student loans, final bill payments, and the obligatory good-bye parties that I'm sure will commence in my final days in Seoul.
My mom's planning to pay me to help do some work on the exterior of the house, so I will happily use that bit of income.
I am looking forward to meeting up with one of my best girlfriends in Thailand. She's so relaxing and inspiring to be around. I'm sure we will share an unforgettable, incredible experience together. That will be nice.
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