Posts
I am so tired that I cannot report on anything interesting as of late. My life recently has only had elements of moderate interest anyhow, mostly I experience the same scenario day in and day out. Last night, I stayed up very late to watch the Presidential Inauguration live on CNN. It was worth it, but now I am back home from work and very, very fatigued.
It is another very convenient excuse to avoid cleaning the kitchen/bathroom/floors/everywhere else.
Luckily, I do not have a bounty of snack food to munch on sleepily. I like to go to bed early, and not have awful bad dreams.
To be continued? To be certain!
1.21.2009
1.18.2009
Lonely on Sundays
I'm not sure why, but I always feel so sad and lonely every Sunday during and after church. While I'm there, everybody is sweet and loving and pleasant, and we all sit around in fellowship making wholesome small talk, and then we separate into small groups (which so far have been completely aimless; I want to participate in an actual in-depth Bible study group and it's unclear if that will materialize) and talk about tentative plans for small groups.
The idea is that they will get together and share, one by one I suppose, and talk about how God is working in their lives. It's a beautiful premise, and I'm sure everyone will bond over it, but I am absolutely terrified of revealing what I consider to be an extremely painful and rocky past to a group of strangers. Surely, Koreans do not tend to open up about their history beyond the past week or two, so this may be unfounded fear....but I don't want to find myself in a group therapy session where everybody listens to me and pities me and doesn't ever see me the same. This prospect has been so frightening to me that I can literally feel myself closing off from the others. After two months of attendance (nearly every week), I have not gravitated to anybody but the pastor and his family, and this is a true blessing because they live very close to me and I can find some sort of refuge with them.
Otherwise, I've isolated myself so much that I am usually quite surprised to find some of the ladies in our small fellowship being so kind and affectionate with me. The pastor spoke two weeks ago of building walls between ourselves and God, ourselves and a Christian community. Somehow the shame of a mistake- and pain-riddled life has buried me deep, away from the warmth of this group of people.
So I don't feel as though I belong, not here in this church, not back in Phoenix nor in Tucson, not in Seoul or any other place I've already lived or visited. I feel very guilty that I haven't made much of an effort to pursue graduate school options since I've been here, but some obstacles I met early on have been easy excuses to be lazy. I am quite aware that I am taking the all-familiar dip back down, the one where I tell myself how inferior I am and give myself the lousiest options and directions.
Simultaneously, I am smarting daily from a break-up that hasn't even felt real until a few weeks ago. Officially, it was almost a year ago that we decided our relationship was totaled, but somehow we have managed to ride it out many more months. And for as much as I like to be by myself, I find that I am very afraid of being alone.
I probably need to go to sleep.
The idea is that they will get together and share, one by one I suppose, and talk about how God is working in their lives. It's a beautiful premise, and I'm sure everyone will bond over it, but I am absolutely terrified of revealing what I consider to be an extremely painful and rocky past to a group of strangers. Surely, Koreans do not tend to open up about their history beyond the past week or two, so this may be unfounded fear....but I don't want to find myself in a group therapy session where everybody listens to me and pities me and doesn't ever see me the same. This prospect has been so frightening to me that I can literally feel myself closing off from the others. After two months of attendance (nearly every week), I have not gravitated to anybody but the pastor and his family, and this is a true blessing because they live very close to me and I can find some sort of refuge with them.
Otherwise, I've isolated myself so much that I am usually quite surprised to find some of the ladies in our small fellowship being so kind and affectionate with me. The pastor spoke two weeks ago of building walls between ourselves and God, ourselves and a Christian community. Somehow the shame of a mistake- and pain-riddled life has buried me deep, away from the warmth of this group of people.
So I don't feel as though I belong, not here in this church, not back in Phoenix nor in Tucson, not in Seoul or any other place I've already lived or visited. I feel very guilty that I haven't made much of an effort to pursue graduate school options since I've been here, but some obstacles I met early on have been easy excuses to be lazy. I am quite aware that I am taking the all-familiar dip back down, the one where I tell myself how inferior I am and give myself the lousiest options and directions.
Simultaneously, I am smarting daily from a break-up that hasn't even felt real until a few weeks ago. Officially, it was almost a year ago that we decided our relationship was totaled, but somehow we have managed to ride it out many more months. And for as much as I like to be by myself, I find that I am very afraid of being alone.
I probably need to go to sleep.
1.04.2009
Winter Vacation
This is going to be a long entry, because I have not written here in about three weeks and this past week was actually very exciting. It was my week-long vacation, and I had so much fun!
I promise to put photographs in, but I cannot promise when.
Vacation began last Saturday, when I lolled around my apartment eating soup and watching television. My friend Briana invited me to go for a walk, which I inferred to be more of a stroll, less of an epic journey. I set out for the subway station and promptly fell on the stairs, spraining my ankle! We met up and I pouted about my new injury, and then we met Katie for dinner, and then went for ice cream. Then Briana and I set out for the Cheonggyecheon River walk with a lovely Christmas lights display; it was a very, very long walk.
Something like 3 or 4km, it took us over two hours, and it was so cold! We made it to the end, just next to City Hall, and stood around and watched the pretty lights and enjoyed the bouncy music blasted over many speakers. 
Obviously if there is music good enough to dance to, I'm going to dance, and while I was doing that two Korean young men came over and asked me in English if I would take a picture with them! I guess I was a spectacle worth remembering...
We went into the closest subway station and were immediately caught by the large floor display of cheap bootlegged DVDs! So after choosing 6 movies for 10,000 won, we both ran to catch our respective trains (it was nearly closing time for the transit system!). I just barely made it home, and then watched "Sex and the City" and thoroughly enjoyed it.
I should mention that my ankle at that point was so swollen I was hobbling around my apartment. I expected to be worse the next morning, so I emailed my pastor that I would miss church. The next day was better, but just enough to walk. I slept late and was invited to see "Yes Man" with my buddies, so we went to Misamgeori to catch an evening showing. We did some shopping and had a late lunch, then dinner afterward at a cute sushi place (I had a plate of nigiri for less than $4!). Katie and I made plans to do tourist stuff during the week. I went home and watched a bootlegged "Hancock".
Monday, true to form, I had a slow start. Not only is it below freezing permanently, but I am always picturing the complicated journey to the place I have to be, involving multiple transfers from bus to subway to bus. Eventually I made it to Itaewon to meet my friend Katie, and then we went shopping (yes, everybody shops here all the time!), specifically for comfy warm boots and pants that fit my shrinking physique. Losing weight can be so expensive! We met with Katie's friend Jessica, who is really hilarious and fun, and had coffee and then dinner at Subway...after all, we were in the foreigner district and that was likely the cheapest food available. We all went home afterward and I attempted to sleep so I could get up early for our fish market adventure.
Oh, during the night, I simply could not sleep. It was so frustrating, laying there listening to the deafening sound of my heartbeat. By 4:30 in the morning, I was tired enough to sleep, and forced myself to wake up a couple hours later so Katie and I could be across town as soon as possible.
The Noryangjin fish market was a huge underground market of sea creatures, dead or dying, displayed wholesale for those who prefer freshness and variety.
We took a lot of photographs and then bought some really inexpensive, good-looking yellowtail (hamachi) sashimi to eat later. Then we went for lunch at a Korean interpretation of Vietnamese food, because I was dying for some pho...this was good but it didn't come off as authentic. Katie had pho ga for the first time and loved it.
Then we went to the Han River to ride a ferry up and down the river. Our boat turned out to be a pirate ship, and our captain a pirate! We had a brief tour of the buildings on either side of the river and a blip or two of history about bridges and islands along the river, and then it was back into the freezing wind toward Katie's house. We took a lovely nap in her apartment, and then I prepared our fish for dinner....which basically means I took it out and poured vinegar on the rice and mixed soy and wasabi, and we ate it. Simple enough. We met Katie's taekwondo instructor for pre-New Year's drinks (even though I was too full and after several shots of soju was sick-full). And that was Tuesday.
Wednesday, a.k.a. New Year's Eve, was spent in and out of the bathroom. I watched television, sat around in my pajamas with dirty hair, and eventually made myself something to eat. I love days off. I did manage to drag myself into a shower, and then got ready for an exciting night on the town. A group of us were planning to meet in the subway station near this party that was being hosted by a new English radio station, where they touted free beer, an iPod giveaway, and other stuff. Well, I was late! It's across town, obviously I'm going to be late. Thankfully, all the ladies were waiting at the station, apparently for me, even though I was only ten minutes after the last arrivee. The venue was this Korean traditional mock-village that holds lots of free performances for passersby. We entered and were ushered downstairs to a concert!? It turned out to be a free show with a spade of local musicians (Korean and foreign), some very good, others not so much. There were a pair of moderators who came out periodically and stood in a spotlight with poorly disguised sarcasm about the performances! It was hilarious! We considered leaving when we first realized this was not what we'd expected, but it turned out to be a very entertaining event, and we wanted beer and iPods.
After the show, iPodless, with party cups of draught beer and plates of snacks, we stood around the lobby trying to figure out when we would herd to our next destination. I noticed twice that someone was standing nearby us quietly and alone. On New Year's Eve, I just couldn't let that slide, so I marched right over to him and struck up some holiday cheer. He turned out to be a sweetheart with no plans, so I recruited him to our bunch and we all set out for a club in Honggae.
The club, called Jane's Groove, was packed with foreigners and Koreans, and felt like any other club I've been to, except they still smoke indoors here (blech). Closer to midnight a band came out and played some songs, a few great ones and a few okay ones. I quite enjoyed the dancing, the cocktails, and the cheerful company. Afterwards we went for some late-night Korean food, and I had my favorite new soup, naengmyeon. Then Briana and Katie and I took a $15 cab ride back to Briana's apartment, and Katie and I got to snuggle on the floor. :)
The next day, after sleeping in a significantly long time, and looking and laughing at photos from the night before, a knock came on Briana's door...it turned out to be her coworker, whom we had lost track of in the midst of the festivities. She had made a series of very bad decisions, and was now without a purse, phone, housekeys, or a coat. Remember it is winter, 24 degrees outside, and that's during the daytime. We sat, suddenly somber, and listened to her recount her wild escapades as she lay on the floor coughing and gagging. Rough. Briana got their landlord to spare another set of keys, and then it was just the three of us again.
We took a bus to Itaewon and waited for an hour for an American-style brunch, which turned out to be my gut's worst nightmare. Note to self: the veggie omelette is not always a good idea. After spending nearly 3 hours there, we met Jessica and went to Myeong-dong for bowling. Boy did my stomach hurt. It hurt so badly I couldn't enjoy beating everybody at bowling, both games. It hurt so badly I felt like leaving and going home to lay down, but decided to try to wait it out. We walked around Myeong-dong, where shopping is extreme and acute. The other three decided to have dinner, but I really couldn't think of eating anything, so I watched and tried to stay amicable in the conversation.
Finally, after dinner, I felt less stabbing belly pain, and we walked around some more around the shops and flashing neon lights and thousands of people, and then I went home.
Friday, I woke up to a phone call from my pastor's wife inviting me to lunch at her house. She and my pastor are Indians from South Africa, and she was making Indian curry vegetables, among other things. I walked over to their house and ended up staying for 7 hours! A couple other girls were over, one from India, and our conversation was lovely and the food was marvelous. We stuck out an entire Bollywood movie and then I went home. I found my New Year's Eve friend online and had a nice long chat with him.
Saturday, Briana and I agreed to go somewhere neither of us have been and explore (my favorite!). We took the train to the World Cup Stadium and walked around. There was a pretty park that had a small, tree-covered mountain with a hiking trail. We climbed to the top and remarked at various things, including an amazing view of Seoul through a parting in the trees. I saw lots of birds that yelled at us, which made me happy. Back down at the entrance of the park was a small pond with a little wooden pagoda (or whatever they call 'em) overlooking the massive stadium. The pond was covered in ice, and this somehow attracted a dozen children of different ages to venture onto the ice and then make every possible attempt to break through it. Clearly, it was risky, but it was also obviously fun and thrilling, so they continued doing it while Briana and I stood by taking photographs and hoping someone would successfully fall in. No dice, or at least I didn't have time to stick around and wait.
Afterwards I met with Wook, a friend I know through Toby, and his new wife, Christine. They took me to Seoul Tower, or Namsan Tower, where we enjoyed conversation and standing in umpteen different lines. We took a cable car up to the mountain, walked around, visited the teddy bear museum and watched a bunch of idiots crowd around and stare at a circle of laser lights projected from higher above them. Then we strolled around the roof terrace with locks of all shapes and sizes with messages written on them attached to the chainlink fence surrounding the terrace. Apparently, the tradition is to write your blurb, seal it on the fence, and hurl the keys off from the roof into the oblivion, and stand there with your lover/friend/family member and think whistfully of how your lock will be there forever.
Then we spent a little too much money to go up to the tower itself and walk around the top a few times. I bought some fun things in the gift shop, including a key ring.
Afterwards, they took me to a restaurant in Myeong-dong that has been around for 50 years or more, which is some feat here, that is famous for its noodle dishes. I had some really spicy noodles with julienned zucchini and even spicier kimchi (the hottest I've ever had, actually). After dinner, we agreed it was quitting time. My back and feet ached so much, I was actually relieved to get to head home and find a seat on the subway.
Today was church, a meeting with a potential tutee, and dinner with Briana. I had to take notes on my week to remember everything that happened! I had been hoping to use this week to become more familiar with Seoul, and I can definitely say I feel more at home here after having seen the whole thing at once and being able to point out several different areas I've been and did fun stuff. I'm also so grateful to have spent this week being extremely social, wallowing around in bed until whenever I pleased, and watching movies I'd hoped I would get to see. I can't forget to mention how wonderful Korean food is!
And considering I did not exercise officially, I can say I definitely burned a lot of calories getting around. I'm so pleased that I did just what I set out to do with my vacation.
Back to work...
I promise to put photographs in, but I cannot promise when.
Vacation began last Saturday, when I lolled around my apartment eating soup and watching television. My friend Briana invited me to go for a walk, which I inferred to be more of a stroll, less of an epic journey. I set out for the subway station and promptly fell on the stairs, spraining my ankle! We met up and I pouted about my new injury, and then we met Katie for dinner, and then went for ice cream. Then Briana and I set out for the Cheonggyecheon River walk with a lovely Christmas lights display; it was a very, very long walk.
Something like 3 or 4km, it took us over two hours, and it was so cold! We made it to the end, just next to City Hall, and stood around and watched the pretty lights and enjoyed the bouncy music blasted over many speakers. 
Obviously if there is music good enough to dance to, I'm going to dance, and while I was doing that two Korean young men came over and asked me in English if I would take a picture with them! I guess I was a spectacle worth remembering...We went into the closest subway station and were immediately caught by the large floor display of cheap bootlegged DVDs! So after choosing 6 movies for 10,000 won, we both ran to catch our respective trains (it was nearly closing time for the transit system!). I just barely made it home, and then watched "Sex and the City" and thoroughly enjoyed it.
I should mention that my ankle at that point was so swollen I was hobbling around my apartment. I expected to be worse the next morning, so I emailed my pastor that I would miss church. The next day was better, but just enough to walk. I slept late and was invited to see "Yes Man" with my buddies, so we went to Misamgeori to catch an evening showing. We did some shopping and had a late lunch, then dinner afterward at a cute sushi place (I had a plate of nigiri for less than $4!). Katie and I made plans to do tourist stuff during the week. I went home and watched a bootlegged "Hancock".
Monday, true to form, I had a slow start. Not only is it below freezing permanently, but I am always picturing the complicated journey to the place I have to be, involving multiple transfers from bus to subway to bus. Eventually I made it to Itaewon to meet my friend Katie, and then we went shopping (yes, everybody shops here all the time!), specifically for comfy warm boots and pants that fit my shrinking physique. Losing weight can be so expensive! We met with Katie's friend Jessica, who is really hilarious and fun, and had coffee and then dinner at Subway...after all, we were in the foreigner district and that was likely the cheapest food available. We all went home afterward and I attempted to sleep so I could get up early for our fish market adventure.
Oh, during the night, I simply could not sleep. It was so frustrating, laying there listening to the deafening sound of my heartbeat. By 4:30 in the morning, I was tired enough to sleep, and forced myself to wake up a couple hours later so Katie and I could be across town as soon as possible.
The Noryangjin fish market was a huge underground market of sea creatures, dead or dying, displayed wholesale for those who prefer freshness and variety.
We took a lot of photographs and then bought some really inexpensive, good-looking yellowtail (hamachi) sashimi to eat later. Then we went for lunch at a Korean interpretation of Vietnamese food, because I was dying for some pho...this was good but it didn't come off as authentic. Katie had pho ga for the first time and loved it.
Then we went to the Han River to ride a ferry up and down the river. Our boat turned out to be a pirate ship, and our captain a pirate! We had a brief tour of the buildings on either side of the river and a blip or two of history about bridges and islands along the river, and then it was back into the freezing wind toward Katie's house. We took a lovely nap in her apartment, and then I prepared our fish for dinner....which basically means I took it out and poured vinegar on the rice and mixed soy and wasabi, and we ate it. Simple enough. We met Katie's taekwondo instructor for pre-New Year's drinks (even though I was too full and after several shots of soju was sick-full). And that was Tuesday.
Wednesday, a.k.a. New Year's Eve, was spent in and out of the bathroom. I watched television, sat around in my pajamas with dirty hair, and eventually made myself something to eat. I love days off. I did manage to drag myself into a shower, and then got ready for an exciting night on the town. A group of us were planning to meet in the subway station near this party that was being hosted by a new English radio station, where they touted free beer, an iPod giveaway, and other stuff. Well, I was late! It's across town, obviously I'm going to be late. Thankfully, all the ladies were waiting at the station, apparently for me, even though I was only ten minutes after the last arrivee. The venue was this Korean traditional mock-village that holds lots of free performances for passersby. We entered and were ushered downstairs to a concert!? It turned out to be a free show with a spade of local musicians (Korean and foreign), some very good, others not so much. There were a pair of moderators who came out periodically and stood in a spotlight with poorly disguised sarcasm about the performances! It was hilarious! We considered leaving when we first realized this was not what we'd expected, but it turned out to be a very entertaining event, and we wanted beer and iPods.
After the show, iPodless, with party cups of draught beer and plates of snacks, we stood around the lobby trying to figure out when we would herd to our next destination. I noticed twice that someone was standing nearby us quietly and alone. On New Year's Eve, I just couldn't let that slide, so I marched right over to him and struck up some holiday cheer. He turned out to be a sweetheart with no plans, so I recruited him to our bunch and we all set out for a club in Honggae.
The club, called Jane's Groove, was packed with foreigners and Koreans, and felt like any other club I've been to, except they still smoke indoors here (blech). Closer to midnight a band came out and played some songs, a few great ones and a few okay ones. I quite enjoyed the dancing, the cocktails, and the cheerful company. Afterwards we went for some late-night Korean food, and I had my favorite new soup, naengmyeon. Then Briana and Katie and I took a $15 cab ride back to Briana's apartment, and Katie and I got to snuggle on the floor. :)
The next day, after sleeping in a significantly long time, and looking and laughing at photos from the night before, a knock came on Briana's door...it turned out to be her coworker, whom we had lost track of in the midst of the festivities. She had made a series of very bad decisions, and was now without a purse, phone, housekeys, or a coat. Remember it is winter, 24 degrees outside, and that's during the daytime. We sat, suddenly somber, and listened to her recount her wild escapades as she lay on the floor coughing and gagging. Rough. Briana got their landlord to spare another set of keys, and then it was just the three of us again.
We took a bus to Itaewon and waited for an hour for an American-style brunch, which turned out to be my gut's worst nightmare. Note to self: the veggie omelette is not always a good idea. After spending nearly 3 hours there, we met Jessica and went to Myeong-dong for bowling. Boy did my stomach hurt. It hurt so badly I couldn't enjoy beating everybody at bowling, both games. It hurt so badly I felt like leaving and going home to lay down, but decided to try to wait it out. We walked around Myeong-dong, where shopping is extreme and acute. The other three decided to have dinner, but I really couldn't think of eating anything, so I watched and tried to stay amicable in the conversation.
Finally, after dinner, I felt less stabbing belly pain, and we walked around some more around the shops and flashing neon lights and thousands of people, and then I went home.
Friday, I woke up to a phone call from my pastor's wife inviting me to lunch at her house. She and my pastor are Indians from South Africa, and she was making Indian curry vegetables, among other things. I walked over to their house and ended up staying for 7 hours! A couple other girls were over, one from India, and our conversation was lovely and the food was marvelous. We stuck out an entire Bollywood movie and then I went home. I found my New Year's Eve friend online and had a nice long chat with him.
Saturday, Briana and I agreed to go somewhere neither of us have been and explore (my favorite!). We took the train to the World Cup Stadium and walked around. There was a pretty park that had a small, tree-covered mountain with a hiking trail. We climbed to the top and remarked at various things, including an amazing view of Seoul through a parting in the trees. I saw lots of birds that yelled at us, which made me happy. Back down at the entrance of the park was a small pond with a little wooden pagoda (or whatever they call 'em) overlooking the massive stadium. The pond was covered in ice, and this somehow attracted a dozen children of different ages to venture onto the ice and then make every possible attempt to break through it. Clearly, it was risky, but it was also obviously fun and thrilling, so they continued doing it while Briana and I stood by taking photographs and hoping someone would successfully fall in. No dice, or at least I didn't have time to stick around and wait.
Afterwards I met with Wook, a friend I know through Toby, and his new wife, Christine. They took me to Seoul Tower, or Namsan Tower, where we enjoyed conversation and standing in umpteen different lines. We took a cable car up to the mountain, walked around, visited the teddy bear museum and watched a bunch of idiots crowd around and stare at a circle of laser lights projected from higher above them. Then we strolled around the roof terrace with locks of all shapes and sizes with messages written on them attached to the chainlink fence surrounding the terrace. Apparently, the tradition is to write your blurb, seal it on the fence, and hurl the keys off from the roof into the oblivion, and stand there with your lover/friend/family member and think whistfully of how your lock will be there forever.
Then we spent a little too much money to go up to the tower itself and walk around the top a few times. I bought some fun things in the gift shop, including a key ring.
Afterwards, they took me to a restaurant in Myeong-dong that has been around for 50 years or more, which is some feat here, that is famous for its noodle dishes. I had some really spicy noodles with julienned zucchini and even spicier kimchi (the hottest I've ever had, actually). After dinner, we agreed it was quitting time. My back and feet ached so much, I was actually relieved to get to head home and find a seat on the subway.
Today was church, a meeting with a potential tutee, and dinner with Briana. I had to take notes on my week to remember everything that happened! I had been hoping to use this week to become more familiar with Seoul, and I can definitely say I feel more at home here after having seen the whole thing at once and being able to point out several different areas I've been and did fun stuff. I'm also so grateful to have spent this week being extremely social, wallowing around in bed until whenever I pleased, and watching movies I'd hoped I would get to see. I can't forget to mention how wonderful Korean food is!
And considering I did not exercise officially, I can say I definitely burned a lot of calories getting around. I'm so pleased that I did just what I set out to do with my vacation.
Back to work...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)