another year!

I recall once when I felt prolific and wanted to spend hours pouring my thoughts into my little Space blog, and at some point it fell away from me and I stopped knowing what to say or wanting to say it.

Things happen every day that are noteworthy, and I could wrap my mind around phrasing and interesting vocabulary, but somehow it becomes overwhelming trying to chronologue it all the time.  I was so good at it before!

Then I think I should try to catch up on all the things that have happened, to give myself a sense of how far I have come since my previous entry (in October?!).

So, let's see...October...
I was crushing hard on a boy who lived outside of Seoul, and was working hard in dance and taekwondo.  I had my first dance performance, and then my second, back to back.  I prepared so diligently for those performances, I was beside myself with worry that I would forget part of the choreography or not know the intricacies of the music.  On the performance days, though, I was unbelievably serene!  It's a rush to be performing again, especially as a dancer (which is something I've NEVER felt that confident doing) and having nothing to do with singing or acting (mostly).  I was even drumming, and that's new too!  Halloween came and went; it wasn't very important or exciting. I helped a friend get her costume ready for weeks ahead of time, and threw mine together in 45 minutes.

November...
Fall in Seoul is beautiful.  The leaves faithfully changed colors and took on a much more romantic, whistful ambiance, and I enjoyed many a stroll down roads on blustery days.  I extended my contract until the beginning of next July.  Thanksgiving was an interesting event this year, sharply contrasted to last year, which meant nothing because I knew nobody and it was my birthday and none of it mattered.  This year, I joined a family Thanksgiving meal and we engorged ourselves on all the delicious traditional dishes of home.  For my birthday, I joined another expat Thanksgiving celebration, and enjoyed loads of champagne and red wine and long, aimless walks to other parts of the city.  That weekend I went on my first Buddhist temple stay in Ganghwa-do (an island off the northwest coast of South Korea), and tried to silence some of the many conversations I was having in my head.  That was a valuable skill to practice; mediation is one of the most challenging things I can think of doing.  My "romance" was also waning and I knew that would happen, but it felt natural and not disappointing.

December...
This month started with me feeling desperately sad and lonely, wondering how to recover from being villified and seemingly abandoned by very close friends.  Eventually, it worked out, but it sucked.  I saw the boy for the last time.  I sent off my Christmas presents, I bought myself a few things.  I decided on some directions for the next phase of my life (e.g. After Korea...), and settled that graduate school feels like the necessary next move.  That's where I need to be devoting my time, that's what I want for myself.  I had the bright idea that I'd vacate to Thailand for two weeks after I finish my contract here, since I had been toying with the idea of going to Santorino or some other Greek island...but have you looked at flights to Greece??  Way out of my budget.  Thailand is so much closer and affordable, and easier to fly out of.  So I bought one of my three flights, planned out several activities, and am fantasizing about the beach and the palaces and temples and how cool it's going to be to finally have a vacation like that!!

Also, I found a posting for a graduate school program that really sounds perfect, and so I sprang on it and sent my application.  Even if it doesn't pan out for me, I needed to break the ice with that whole idea, since I've been completely intimidated about the application process and not seeing anything that really worked with my aspirations.  Besides that, writing the cover letter and updating my CV were really empowering.  I impress myself!!  I sincerely do feel good about my experience and how hard I've worked and how far I've come.

Christmas was good, too, despite being pretty sick all month and still under the weather on my holiday.  I slept in (late) and joined some church friends for a big Christmas lunch nearby.  My evening plans fell through and I ended up staying home and baking persimmon walnut muffins (DELICIOUS!!), but Skype and Facebook kept me in touch with my loved ones back home and that meant a lot.   I didn't feel far away.  My presents reached them the day after Christmas, and that was great news!

I went skiing for the first time ever this past weekend (on the 26th) with a friend, and it was awesome!  She graciously took time to teach me how to ski, and even though I fell a few times (and sprained my knee at one point), she said I took to it very naturally.  Can you believe it?  So I've been doing physical therapy this week to fix my knee up because it was pretty badly injured, but I don't think it could've happened at a better time.  I was already sick and still recovering from bronchitis, so my aerobic activity has been lower lately, and my vacation starts on Friday so I won't have to stand around all day teaching.  I can take it easy!!

Whoa, that means next year starts on Friday.  What a year, 2009.  I can't imagine what's in store for 2010!

where was I?

O, there are a whole slew of developments since I last entered anything here.

Should I really divulge into detail? No. I live in Korea, and will continue to do so until July, 2010. I re-signed my contract.

I am a purple belt in taekwondo (which is the fifth belt in a 9-belt system), and have found my speed and form and strength are all well-improved. I still need to work on my stamina, because I just can't spar full-on for much longer than 10 minutes or so. My instructor does want to enter me into some tournaments, but I want to really prepare for that and it would mean a more sincere dedication of time and effort.

Part of my time and effort (and a LOT of my money) is going to belly dance. I'm now part of a dance troupe, which means the instructor has very high expectations of us and I am really going out of my way to participate as much as possible, because it affects every member of the troupe if I don't carry my weight. We are going on our first out-of-town performance this week

I'm dating a very nice, very attractive guy, but unfortunately our relationship has formed around an obvious barrier to close interaction: 150 miles. Getting to know someone by phone and Internet only works to a certain extent, and our time together has so far been very limited (but also wonderful). I have misplaced my frustrations about the situation (that I walked into knowing full well it wouldn't change) by growing bored on the phone and restless sitting in front of Skype.

I'm a bit bored and restless about everything at the present moment. I wake up early and refuse to get out of bed for hours. I find myself under pressure to make lots of people happy around me. Dance, taekwondo, friends, boyfriend, school bosses, students, parents of students, and somewhere in there, myself. As opposed to being fulfilling as usual, everything just feels demanding.

After being so active all the time, I certainly lost weight. As of late, however, I'm eating out of tension, and my weight loss has plateaued. I know eventually I'll get back into the swing, but I'd like it to hurry up!

the Jitters

so, i'm actually really happy right now.  of course, for me and everyone else i'm sure, happiness is rather cyclical, and the road gets bumpy and we all deal with it how we do, but for me this is a new and different brand of happiness.

i recently reflected on the span of my lifetime, recalling my happiest times in childhood and young adulthood and official adulthood.  the sheer dearth of joy from what should have been my most carefree years and the subsequent compounding damage and bitterness as i aged are an appalling discovery of how infrequently i felt truly happy.

as a child, i had a mixture of people who loved me and treated me gently and people who were harsh, abusive, and entirely selfish with me.  in my immediate family, four of seven adults were extremely abusive, so i lacked the safety and security i certainly deserved.

i acted out in response to that for the next decade or so, emotionally flailing and flopping and never developing a sense of self love or self respect.  i waged war on my body for years.

i lost my father, my stepfather was exposed, and my mother was diagnosed, and i moved away and out of the pit of unhappy memories and unhealthy family ties again and again until i finally found a foothold in a city not far away while attending university.  my heart was still wrenched and scarred, and i had so much undealt-with pain, but finding myself in a new environment at least allowed me to associate my past with somewhere else.

though i knew it was an absolute necessity, i put off seeking professional help for my endless unhappiness, for three years after it occurred to me that i really did need it.  when i finally did see a therapist, i had so much repressed that dredging it back up was an absolute nightmare, but it was the first priority in healing.  all of a sudden, i had a breakthrough, and i was the happiest i'd ever been in my whole entire life!  i was literally high on life!  of course, i was around people at work and at home who were not so deliriously happy, and it was a matter of time before i let my environment bring me back down again.  but i had tasted it, the sheer weightlessness of it, and i wanted to be happy again!

luckily, i am loved.  i always have been, but i frequently can't see that, because i most often did not love myself at all.  i have wonderful friends, amazing people i consider as close and dear as family (the non-abusive kind!), and i did my fair share of relying on them to carry me through some of these really dark patches.  my faith has also strengthened deeply, and i am satisfied that spiritually, my heart rests in the right Hands.

but i am always on the move, always searching.  perhaps running.  i have had more happy moments and much closer together than i can ever remember growing up, but i have still let the emotional scars control me, i still struggle with loving myself.

living abroad has somehow, indirectly, put things in perspective for me.  it has been an excellent opportunity to get to know myself better.  additionally, i have been doing things for myself that i really enjoy that offer such benefits as having new skills, losing weight, increased stamina, social interaction, creative catharsis, and being just plain ol' fun to do.  i'm feeling and looking fit and healthy, i've done a lot of personal analysis and hopefully gleaned some wisdom from it, and i can share and contribute my life and wisdom to those around me.

but most importantly, i think, i have reconnected with LOVE.  it was always part of my philosophy, that love is the fiber of the universe, but living that truth took shedding a lot of layers and skins and delusions and misconceptions about myself and others and life.  i have found a deep respect and love for myself.  i love who i am and i'm very proud of who i am.

and i absolutely adore children!  it is their happy energy that has inspired me in so many ways to search myself for joy and love.  working with them is truly fulfilling, and i am so grateful to have this chance.

so i am very happy.

additionally, i seem to have met someone to whom i've taken quite a fancy.  i never thought i'd feel butterflies in my stomach again, and it has been years and years.  i was really afraid i wouldn't find someone who appreciated and understood so much about me (which is a big reason why i held so tightly to toby; he understands and knows and loves so much about me, i couldn't justify sacrificing that), and i was skeptical i'd ever meet someone who challenged me intellectually the way toby does.  the foundation of this, however, is such novelty for me:  completely honest communication.  sometimes i can feel myself balking at being sincerely romantic, but so far i am ecstatic to be involved in something that is emotionally mature and mutually enthusiastic.  it is so nice to feel special enough for the effort.

juxtaposing life now to life before this, i can say with certainty that i am happy much more often than i can ever remember being.  it is a liberating weight off my heart, i feel so much energy, i have so much more room to stretch and grow.  i can share my love with others, and with myself.  i'm staying in korea even longer than i planned, because why ruin a good thing, right?

i think i'm moving on up.

a brief reflection

sometimes i forget that i'm still young and that from the outside it looks extremely easy for me to move on from one situation to the other.  in actuality, i am frequently bogged down by what i consider to be sticky decision-making.

letting the past stay in the past is really difficult when i keep packing the past up with me and taking it out every time i feel even slightly insecure.  i keep reaching backwards to the comfort of something that wasn't ever totally healthy and is probably completely a lost cause now.  i'm not a fixer, i don't try to change others, but i do want to help nurture and support those i love.  saying goodbye to a flawed relationship is so complicated, but i've been through this process before.  it just involves so much grieving.  it was the same with my dad.  it was the same with various dear friends who changed their minds about our friendship.  women tend to define themselves by the many relationships in which they participate, family, friends, lovers, acquaintances and coworkers, students, and so on.  i'm no exception.

i can't picture the aftermath and the calamity of finally moving myself forward to be emotionally available to someone new, someone who didn't watch me grow up, someone who knows nothing about my abused childhood, someone to whom i would be obliged to explain so many things.  i hate the pity that ensues from some people, when compassion is beyond their grasp, but they still want to try and benefit my cause by donating some emotional charity.  it won't go away, it's part of my life, it shaped who i am, those were my challenges and my lessons and i'm stronger because of that.

it's just so deeply disappointing to know i need to let go of someone who truly understands me, because he has no goals, no ambitions, no dreams, and no motivation.  i wanted for so long to be his motivation, but i set myself to be let down when i was just never worth the effort.

so, i guess, let the real grieving begin.

Dalian

For the Chuseok Holiday (Korean Thanksgiving), I went to visit my friend's parents who have just moved to an area outside of Dalian, China, to teach at an international school.  Luckily, I was able to secure a substitute for my last two classes on Thursday evening, and made it to the airport limousine stop just in time to grab the next shuttle.  It was a nail-biter on the way out of the city, because it was not only rush hour but also the city had begun to evacuate to the country and families' homes outside of Seoul for the holiday weekend.  Oddly, there was nearly no traffic on the highways, at least not on the way to the international airport!

I flew in on the 60th anniversary of the People's Republic, which carried on the theme of unity and fundamental rule that China had already embraced for nearly two millenia, so of course people everywhere were delirious with celebration (I had just missed the fireworks display in Dalian).  This also happened to be the weekend of the Mid-Autumn Moon Festival (similar to Chuseok in Korea), celebrating the first full moon of fall (which was Saturday), and nearly everyone had about a week off of work, so lots of stores and restaurants were closed.

I stayed at the Golden Pebble Beach National Resort, right next to Tim and Agnes' school, where they had an "assisted apartment" therein.  It was so nice, and clean, and practically empty, since they moved from India in August and were still awaiting the shipment with all their 17-years-of-living-abroad household furnishings and decor.  It'll surely be amazing once they've really settled in!

The beach was serene and clear, but with hardly any shells or creatures on the beach, due to the extreme over-fishing of the waters, and practically empty of people as well.  The area around the resort was heavily landscaped, but still very peaceful and quiet, and the whole place is remote and truly accessible only by car or bicycle (it's just too far to walk anywhere else).

We went into a smaller city called Kai Fa Qu and shopped around on Friday, and then had dinner at a hot pot restaurant where you order a specific broth flavor and various things to boil in it, and you mix your choice of condiments in a bowl and dip those boiled things in and then eat them on rice.  Tim and Agnes are thankfully both vegetarians, so we enjoyed tons of mushrooms and greens in a pepper broth and a mushroom broth, and several Snow Draft beers.  We walked around afterwards in the nightlife area of Kai Fa Qu that had the most curious architecture.  Some resembled Candy Land, while others had giant creatures and flowers attached to the facade; not as much neon as Korea, probably because we were out a bit early on a big holiday weekend.  We had a cocktail at an "Australian" bar that was far too smokey, and then went home and to bed.

Saturday I joined Agnes for breakfast (I ate a tiny fresh pizza!) and a "foot" massage, which included neck, shoulders, back, and legs.  The foot portion was clearly the tour de force, however, and they clearly applied reflexology.  Afterwards, we went shopping at an outdoor produce market for all the fruit and veggies Tim and Agnes would eat during the week.  I bought some moon cakes and some fun jewelry.   After coming home and eating lunch, I took a lovely nap, and then Agnes and I walked to the beach, where she read a book and I went swimming in the sea.  It was a bit chilly, but not too much.  We walked around after sunset and found our way to the amusement park nearby, looking for the entrance and a possible cab to take us home, but we could find neither.  Odd.  It seems, in China, that every man with a car is a potential cab driver, as long as he knows where to go and can negotiate a suitable price beforehand.  We nearly never rode in a legitimate cab (often because they did not know where the resort was), but the "cab" we found to get home from the amusement park nearly killed us and we had less than a mile to go AND there were possibly only 3 other cars on the road, but he veered into opposing traffic and timed his turns POORLY.  We had dinner, watched Australian TV, and went down to the gym.  They went to bed, and I watched a DVD before also turning in.

Sunday, we packed up and took a trip to Dalian on the light rail.  The trip was very nice, and the architecture in Dalian is really spectacular.  We tried to take a cab from the railway station, but again no cabs would drive us the six blocks to the hotel.  Agnes mangaged to speak to the driver of a tiny, green, 3-wheeled green bean that resembled a car and convince him to take us.  He drove against traffic on a one-lane road for several blocks while I held a map open for him, and then when we found the ritzy hotel we sought, the concierge wouldn't let our green bean drive up into the vallet.  Too fancy for a dirty green bean?!  It was hilarious.  We took our stuff up to the mini-suite on the 25th floor (they were unexpectedly upgraded!), and went down to the basement for the in-house German microbrewery for lunch.  I had a massive litre of Paulaner's Dark House beer, fresh pretzels, and egg speitzel, and I was SO tired!  Afterwards, we went across the street and walked all around Labor Park, which was alive with celebrations and tai chi performances and happy children and adults.  It was a glorious sunny Sunday afternoon.  We had an amazing time.

After the park, we had some coffee at the hotel, I grabbed my stuff, and took a cab back to the airport (my cab driver drove insanely, as though I were going into labor).  I watched my last Chinese sunset before boarding the plane and making my way back to Seoul.

A fabulous vacation!

randy

Well this is certainly unfamiliar territory.  I could've sworn I had been here at some point before, but now I don't recognize anything.  It's a nice place, I like it very much, it's somewhere I want to keep coming back to, as long as I can.

Every good feeling I could describe would be too obvious and I don't want to write that down.  But I'm feeling good.  I'm feeling amazing.

red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight...

It is already cold!  Is this what the rest of the world experiences...four separate seasons??  I thought I wasn't going to be xericentric (I invented that word but you get it), though it's just a bit too chilly a bit too early!  Anyway, I'm just surprised, is all.  It now makes sense that September is traditionally lumped into the Fall months.  I'm so unprepared!

It's amazing how I can kill three hours with no productivity whatsoever.  How did I manage this, again?  There's no excuse for me to be awake now.  Except syndicated auditions of yet another season of American Idol.

Oh and my high school class is difficult to teach.  I've only been back for two classes, but during the first class I asked for feedback on the way the first semester went.  They like the pictures I draw and put on the screen, they need me to speak more slowly and be more deliberate about putting up definitions (so they can translate things in their cellphone dictionaries).  They also asked for a curriculum prepared ahead of time so they know what's going on.  And I use the term "they" very loosely.  Out of 36 students, I could only solicit three to even speak to me, and this is all what they told me.  So I collected everybody's email addresses, wrote up a review of the genetics we've already covered, and sent it out.  Seven students' addresses were unsuccessful (because they are illegible) and I only got a response from one student (my favorite one, who speaks to me and does everything I ask and more like a perfect angel), thanking me for the effort.  So I teach this class for her.

But today, the second time through, nobody would answer me when I asked who didn't receive the email I sent (I don't know most of their names, by the way).  Then, at least 10 of them fell asleep multiple times during class.  When I was in high school, I only ever consistently fell asleep on Saturdays when I had to drag to my 6-hour college class and I was hungover or still drunk from Friday night's shenanigans.  And I admit it.  Stupid 6 days of school a week.  Totally impaired my party lifestyle!

But these kids aren't drinking!  They're just studying!  They always have some wholesome excuse why they can dick off in my class!  "Oh, Teacher!  I was at school until 11pm last night!  My mother makes me learn trombone and tennis and Chinese characters and English and robot science!"  Wah, wah, wah.

Anyway, I chewed them out for sleeping again and again, and got myself all angry and flustered, because I was insulted that they found my class so soporific.  But then I finally segued into population genetics, which I've been dying to get to for ages, but we haven't had class for months and I want them to know what the heck a trait is and how it works.

But that's boring to anybody who isn't interested in biology.  Are these kids really interested?  They don't seem to be.  I don't like wasting my time up in front of a sleeping class.  It's a major drain of energy.  Like a performer in front of a crowd of people who are all talking to each other and not paying attention, it's just a wasted investment of personal energy.  I get it, though.  They pay me to talk about science, and if these kids don't pay attention and keep sleeping, I'll just start giving pop quizzes and stuff.  Yeah, that's the kind of vengeance I can wield as a teacher.  That'll teach 'em!

O! But teaching American Sign Language to 5-year-olds is glorious fun!  This is both because I am teaching myself ASL and because my students are cheerful, energetic, and eager to learn!  We've developed an excellent rapport and and a good routine.  They know their abc's and tons of vocabulary (in both English and ASL) and it really helps with sentence structure and total physical response.  My snotty, uptight coworker, who is supposed to collaborate with me on the kinder lesson plans for the year, has instead elected to ice me out any time I mention what I'm doing or would like to do with my classes (or how pleased I am with the success of my approach).  I would be happy to work with her if she'd even speak to me or smile or be amenable at all, but she has made it quite clear that she works alone.  Either way, my kids are happy, whether or not the mothers are privy to the differences between our classes, and their English and ASL retention is fabulous, and they scream (and sign), "I love you, Amanda Teacher!!!" at the end of every class, so...you know.  My ego loves it.

On top of that, y'all, my kids are great, period.  I loved being a kid and I love kids and I think I was robbed of several years of innocence and blissful ignorance, so it's kind of like I can adore these kids with the unconditional love I deserved when I was little.  Maybe I can picture my inner child seated with these guys, and I'm just so proud and impressed by all of them for working so hard and being so sweet and obedient (because really, 10 hours of school a day is a whole lot to ask of anybody, especially kids).  Now, personally I need to work on my patience and my temper with some kids who talk ALL the time or never pay attention, but I still love them.

It really is my favorite thing to wade through the hallway and immediately have smiling 5-year-olds clinging to my legs and waist.  I love 'em.

I wonder what parenthood feels like compared to this, though.  I remember so much yelling and anger and violence and isolation when I was a child, that I'm sure it's ingrained in me that parenthood is miserable.  At least, that's how my mom acted.  My brother and I fought with each other because we weren't really taught to be loving or gentle to one another; my mom was seldom gentle or patient.  I don't want to have a temper like she had.  She's a better mom now, but I have to forgive her for a lot of trespasses to appreciate who she has become.

If nobody stopped me, I could literally gush about my students for hours.  But, a little bell went off in my head and reminded me that it is only Thursday night, and I could actually go to sleep now and have some morning time to myself before work tomorrow.  I think I ought to give it a try.

that silver lining

Last week, as the weather cooled, I found myself slightly disappointed that summer was ending.  Ordinarily, I am still sweating in stifling 100+ degree weather at this time of year, praying for the end of October.  Yet here I am, wearing longer sleeves and lamenting that I didn't spend more time in the sun.  I think it's partly because I am not psychologically prepared for another freezing winter!

This week, however, I do not feel that sense of melancholy.  I've found that all my projects haven't overwhelmed me, my job, housecleaning, sewing, taekwondo, dancing, GRE studying and preparation, grad school pursuit, these things are all just rewarding.  That was the original reason I wanted to do each of them in the first place.  Not so that I could be anxious and distracted and short-fused, but so that I could feel proud of myself and accomplished.

In a moment of untempered narcissism, I will also mention that I am happily losing weight and feeling very confident.  Weight issues affect millions, if not billions, of people's lives, and mine has been no exception.  I am proud to say that in two years I've lost 57 pounds!  I'm in a completely different frame of mind than I was the last time I was anywhere near that slim figure I'm now working for.  I was so depressed and self-destructive, insecure and ignorant, I could not appreciate anything about myself.  Now, on the other hand, I know what I love about myself.  I know that I am lovable.  I do not cringe at my reflection.  I have changed.  I have grown.  I have improved.

And my lunch break is over.

homesickness, et cetera

after insisting to every person with whom i reconvened last week in arizona that i was quite happy with my life in korea, i am finding myself with a severe case of homesickness and persistent melancholy.  my trip home was too short, i think.  i wasn't ready to leave when i had to leave, i wanted to share in more of my loved ones' lives; a few more hours, a few more days.  everyone seems to be doing so well, so cheerful and motivated.

then again, i felt a bit out of place there, because i do have a life in korea with which i am comfortable.  i am used to saying things in english and exchanging similar phrases in korean, a habit that merely confused my friends in phoenix and tucson.  i spent so much time sitting inside and eating heavy foods and never walking or kicking or dancing, i certainly plumped back up a bit.  i tried to walk or bike to my destinations, but it was so hot i only walked twice.  and i enjoyed driving far too much to walk anywhere in phoenix.

and i have conveniently placed myself in a frame of mind that prevents me from moving on or moving back together with toby.  is it over?  will it ever be?  neither of us has made much progress in independent singledom, yet we have fundamental differences in life momentum that may never bring us back together.  dare i take yoshi back?  i've pointed myself at graduate school like an arrow, and the life of a researcher tends to lack certain permanence or routine that a little dog depends on.  since my return this has weighed heavily on my heart.

i had only anticipated the strangeness of returning to north america during a strange economic time, not the consequential emotions of leaving north america again.  it shook me up and in my travel-related fatigue, i am unable to find peace or solace.  i am once again between worlds.

and yet, the one nagging voice behind it all tells me to wait.  patience, have patience.  because i am driven, and i try to make the changes i want to see, i am most often briefly put off by obstacles of this nature.  i take steps back and i regroup, and then i approach with my new strategy, or i simply charge at the blockade and this is usually effective.  my instinct is to push through it, but with this i suspect that won't work anyhow.

i have such a short attention span that i find myself with new small, bite-sized goals that i can easily barrel through if i so much as try, and it has led to a string of interesting and tangential life events and relocations, hence my present circumstances.

when i came back from beijing i had a similar period of mourning, if you will, since there is such a huge difference in culture, attitude and pace of life between seoul and beijing (coincidentally sister cities).  there was so much more i wanted to see and do, and i just wanted more time to absorb the feelings i experienced while there.  i suppose that sounds very whistful and cerebral, and maybe that's exactly what i am, but more than any photograph or souvenir, i can conjure up a vivid recollection of my heart and so i try to make sure i have something nice to remember.  i'm not proud of the moments where i was dissatisfied, tired and cross.  coming back to korea, i could only see the uptight, pushy, xenophobic side, since i resented having to be here rather than getting to stick around in yet another land and learn about it.

get over it, right?!  international travel isn't free, not everybody gets to do it, i should count my blessings.  i'm lucky i went home at all, i'm extremely blessed to have those people to welcome me back so graciously, who were all so pleased to have my company.  my grandmother is well, my family seems happy, no major crises, no illnesses, no deaths (in the family).  and furthermore, i'm so blessed to have good friends in korea to come back to.  i have to stop getting myself worked up into such a self-pitying lather and getting so caught up in a feeling.

these are the back in korea blues, i suppose.  why, i'm even blessed that i have a computer, internet, and fingers with which i can complain about it all on myspace.

a blessed place

I know, I've been very bad about updating my blog here. I got busy, I had a month of nothing but LOST episodes, traveled to Osaka for a weekend, and got serious about belly dance and taekwondo. I also powered my way through a nice, successful attitude adjustment. Another one, I guess.

A lot of time has been spent planning for things, working out, and traveling around. I came to Arizona for a week and I've been rekindling my love for the Sonoran desert (which I obviously already loved). I'm leaving in a day but I'm having a great vacation like it's waking up briefly from a dream I've been having for almost a year. I'll be asleep again soon, back in Korea, working my way through another year, most likely...

Most notably, I'm spending valuable time with Yoshi. All my friends that I've been able to get in touch with are doing so well and are so healthy and happy, so it's really wonderful to see them too.

What a vacation!

wish you were here

I've found myself so groggy or sleepy or spaced out for several days.  I'm functioning all right, but now and then I wonder if I'm going to wake up in the middle of it.  When I was in college sometimes I felt like this, a bit, as though I'd just come to and realized I had a test the next week and had just been chugging along without looking forward or backward.

It isn't deja vu, but sometimes almost the opposite, as though I'm experiencing something I remember from a vivid dream.  I suppose this comes with being so close to a vacation that is surely the most unique homecoming of my life.

Last week I got a black eye during a bit of an extreme low point for me, which is odd because I've been trying so hard to be better.  I've nearly doubled my workout regimen and have clear results to show for it, so I'm really proud of that.  I've also taken more risks and relaxed about priorities and demands, which may well be the source of my daydreaming.  Without deliberate focus, perhaps I tend to mentally drift far and away.  I have more projects and most of them go unfinished (not unusual for me), but I abandon them sooner after starting them and care little about seeing them to completion.

The nice thing is that I have recognized my ability to bounce back, which is probably also part of this detachment.  This could be a mental and emotional recuperation, standby mode if you will, to help me leg up the last week until I have a legitimate rest.

I've started focusing more on dancing, too, since I have more experience in my repertoire.  I have to create the costumes for the performances, which I am most certainly not ready for, but it has given me a new opportunity to practice my limited sewing skills and to incorporate some of the many beads I bought last year at the Tucson Gem Show into something that represents my artistic side.

I like where my head is right now, although I haven't connected much to anything.  I feel really grateful for the people out here who love me, and for the beautiful summertime biology that is so different from a desert summer.  I've packed and cleaned a bit, too, and have managed to get my glasses repaired and tended to my puffy purple eye, so I haven't disengaged myself completely from the world.

Only time will tell.  I like to wonder how I will reflect back on this next summer.

n-e-g-l-e-c-t, find out what it means to me

Since I have absorbed myself in the first 4 seasons of LOST rewatching, coping with what I considered to be an extreme amount of work (nearly overwhelming), and considering what I want to do with the next few months of my life, it has been a bit impossible to come here and drop an update in without wanting to elaborate on the minutia and having that sinking feeling at the same time.

But now that I am post-attitude adjustment, I'd like to think things have smoothed out enough for me to paraphrase them in my rarely-read myspace blog.

I've been quite ambivalent about whether I wanted to stay past the end of my contract in November.  Several reasons were pushing me to stay, like tax paperwork I'd have to do if I came back in 2009, not wanting to dive into the so-called recession where my family and friends are being laid off every month or so, enjoying my friends here, and wanting to stick out another paid vacation to travel where I please for a week.

And certainly, there were things compelling me to cut my losses and run, but many of them dissipated with my poor attitude about things.  The high school and kinder classes I teach are both over for summer vacation, so that took a huge load of stress and excess work off my shoulders, for now.  Missing important people back home has also distracted me.

I'm learning several lessons about minimizing the number of things that would anchor me to a specific location, like pets and furniture, since I am so hungry to wander and be available for those ephemeral opportunities.

Despite having some tension with such intense friendships, I still love my friends here very much.  It's refreshing to learn myself so much better in sticky situations with these guys, since our community is so small and we depend on each other more than we would if we lived back home.  I'm so blessed to have found trustworthy, supportive friends here.  Strangely, my friends are almost exclusively female.  I think this is largely because the straight male expat population here seem to be very interested either in having drunken flings or Korean girlfriends, and expat men are quite popular among the radiantly beautiful Korean females here, so that creates a predictable situation.  I'm not thrilled about the dating scene here, and don't find myself interested in anybody to speak of, so instead my heart points west.

I take my job seriously, and I try to do a good job.  I can tell my students love me, especially the kindergarteners, because they swarm me in the halls and show me loose teeth and scraped knees and mosquito bites, or wrap their tiny arms around my waist or legs and drag along any time I pass them in the halls.  All I need for a pick-me-up is to wade through the halls when they're about and reassure myself of my rock star status.  I love it.

For the kids I have trouble with, I've found that I'm not the only teacher struggling with them, since I've talked to other teachers and they all want to scream or cry or punch the wall at least occasionally.  I see them handling themselves with such grace, so I know I can do the same.

I'm doing taekwondo every week and am nearly a green belt (that's the 4th belt level).  I'd be much further along, but money and time constraints have kept me from fiercely dedicating my time to it.  I also take belly dancing, and have been invited to join the performance troupe that dances at shows each month (if not more often).  I really enjoy it but I'm not confident that I'm ready to dance in public, at least until August or September.  Taekwondo should help with that, too.

The weather here is pretty awesome.  Yes, it rains at least every other day, usually all day long, but the air is cool most of the time (although sometimes it is unbearably warm and muggy), and the plants everywhere are so green and full and stunning.  There are different flowers blooming every few weeks and frogs singing and honey and bumble and native bees moving all over the flowers, and I like to hike up around the small mountain behind my house and breath in the sweet forest air.  My friends pressure me to find an apartment closer to the bustling part of town, but this is where I belong, in the suburbs, close to nature, so that I can retreat into it when I please.

In three weeks I'm coming back to Phoenix and Tucson to visit.  My grandmother had a stroke on Easter and since then she has been recovering (almost completely!), but it rattled me so much that I didn't hesitate to spend an ENTIRE paycheck on airfare back for my week-long summer vacation.  I'm so excited to see everybody I love in Arizona, to have reverse-culture shock, and not be at work for a whole week.  I'm literally counting down the days.

Even without studying very much, I understand and can speak quite a bit of Korean, which I am quite proud of.  If I gave it any kind of effort, I'm sure I'd be partly fluent by now, but I have found lots of other things to do with my time.

My break is about over and I have to do something responsible before it ends, so I should wrap this up.  Maybe I'll grab another cup of coffee!

tiny violin soloist

I still have a draft about Beijing waiting on hold, but I'm unmotivated to write about my trip and slap several dozen photos in there. It's time-consuming and I'm feeling emotional right now.

I've been a bit low for a few weeks, I guess. I was so sick for a month before we left for Beijing, and even then I felt like I'd been underground and completely unaware of the world above. I'd show up at work and have no clue what to do each day; I was truly too ill to be going to work and in no position to take a sick day (because of the effort in preparing sub plans and getting my coworkers to sub for me). I deserved a sick day, though.

I don't know what it is. The suspicion that this might be that slippery slope into another bout of depression is ever-present, especially when I am unable to identify any explicit reason for my blues. A handful of reasons, like feeling a bit alienated and alone, overworked and stressed, thoroughly exhausted from being sick or sad since Easter, and wondering if I'm crazy for possibly settling without ever really reintroducing myself into the single life and still considering that more could be out there, have come to mind when I try to make sense of it.

My temper and patience are shorter, my tolerance is lower, and I have become extremely apathetic and antisocial. This feels, to me, somewhat like a "relapse." Or it could simply be hormonal and maybe tomorrow I'll wake up feeling springtime fresh. Since I've already explored the idea of psychotherapy and anti-depressants, if only very briefly, I know that avenue is out of the question. I'm opposed to medication, and doctors, in almost every form.

Self-medication hasn't always been more cost-effective, and binge-eating, net-surfing, and exploring ways to spend all my money online rarely lead to improved health and vitality. I've been out of taekwondo for nearly two months, as well. I left for a month in March, and attended for roughly 4 classes in April, and have not been there in May. I could really use those endorphins, I suppose.

It's that tiny violin...do you hear it? I feel angry and stubborn, on top of sad and unmotivated. This all needs to go away.

And I need to go to bed.

(quiet time)

as it turns out, 6000 miles can make a difference in the relationship between two ex-lovers.  it has been good, and it has been bad.  right now, it is bad.

the time difference is unforgiving, and for someone who was already difficult to get in touch with, now toby just feels like he's not interested in anything but my body (which is strange by itself since he's just watching me naked on a webcam).  our conversations frequently go nowhere, and i assume he's simply waiting for me to take my clothes off so he can masturbate.

it's lonely.  i'm lonely.

my friends out here are still very distant, temporary or tolerated.  my job feels too demanding with too little support.  i'm here for 10 more months, and i'm visiting the states in 3, and at the present moment, i don't feel like i belong anywhere.

i'm hormonal.  this is pms, and i'm bound to start my cycle any second, so i have my ear to the ground to sense anything that may be emotions underscored with excessiveness, which this most certainly is.

i'm tired of briana, as well.  for someone i get along with so well, her frequent complaining has become tiresome and discouraging.  her short, red-hot temper is somewhat like an extra person to tip-toe around, and her insecurities and judgements about nearly everyone around her make me wonder if she has any sort of confidence at all.  she is a little black rain cloud, with frequent thunderstorms and unpredictable lightning.  she's so rude, too, to katie and me and everyone else.  this sense of entitlement may come from being an only child, but i have enormous trouble relating to it or even tolerating it.  i don't feel able to cut 50% of my friends out during my fleeting time in korea, but it's grating my nerves and i am struggling now to keep any kind of annoyance from slipping out, lest she have yet another fit or make yet another scene.

i pray about it but i don't think i've prayed appropriately.  i'm not sure what to do.

i think i would like to quit one of my high school classes, as well.  the students are rude and they never pay attention, and the planning time it takes for this class is excruciatingly boring.  they want me to teach things i have slim knowledge of and for an extremely long time (two months, twice each week, for one program in microsoft office suite 2007).  i just don't like teaching that class at all.  i get nothing from it, and i most often find myself telling my students to shut up.

i feel better articulating these things.  i'm apathetic and hurt and angry and hormonal.  every action has a reaction.  it's time for bed.

A Beijing Spring Getaway

I went with my two friends, Katie and Briana, for a three day trip to Beijing (北京) during a long weekend for the Children's Day holiday in Korea. It turned out to be a major travel period, because China, too, had a national holiday called Workers' Day, which lasted May 1-3.

Friday night, after work, the three of us met at Katie's house with our luggage, and gushed about what we would do on our trip the next day. We slept for about 2 or 3 hours before waking up early to catch a shuttle bus to the airport.

The shuttle was probably as long as the flight to China. I was exhausted, good old insomnia prevented me from getting more than an hour of sleep so far.

We made it to the Beijing International Terminal, which is absolutely huge and really beautifully designed, around 11am (China time). After a little monorail shuttle ride to the exit area, we found a cab and showed him the address to our hotel. The landscaping along the highway is a bit one-note, with the same trees planted in a very redundant grid pattern, but it was landscaped the whole way (which is not the case on the way to the Incheon Airport just outside of Seoul).

It seemed our cab driver could not specifically locate our hotel, even after he called them, so he dropped us off and gave us some helpful advice (in Mandarin) and drove away. The three of us wandered up on street and then back down and around, until we went into a different hotel and asked the clerk where ours could be. Oh so eventually, we were in our moldy room, changing our clothes and sprawling out, exhausted, on the beds. I asked the clerks where we were on the map, but mostly we communicated using pointing and gestures, as the gap between Korean and Mandarin was sizeable. Our hotel was on Hepingli Xijie (和平里西街"Hepingli West Street"), so from there finding our way around made sense.

We decided to walk south, since the map said that's where everything was. We came upon a lovely public park, and strolled through it. This was the Park of the Altar of Earth, and it had a large entrance to a market that we considered but didn't enter. Around the bend was a HUGE restaurant with big gaudy red lanterns and elaborate wooden carvings. Since we were starving, we went in and figured out the extensive menu. I took photos of all our plates, which included spicy smoky duck soup, Sichuan noodles, stuffed eggplant, steamed dumplings, but some of the dishes were less than tasty for our Western palates. We simply ordered more, because the food was SO cheap! That was fun.

Then we investigated the strange building across the street, which turned out to be the Yonghe Lamasery. It was about to close, so we exlpored nearby the preserved hutongs (alleyways), and down Guozijian Jie (国子监街/國子監街 "Imperial College Street"). We drank Red Bulls while sitting on a stoop and watching the world a bit, marveling at how different China and Korea seemed to be. We decided to go to Beihai Gonguan (北海公园 "Park of the Northern Sea") from there.

This place was truly magnificent, with a lake, or the "Northern Sea" (Bei Hai), surrounding the Tuan Cheng (Round City) and the Qiong Dao (Jade Islet) where sits the Bai Ta (White Dagoba), and we walked all over and took hundreds of pictures. It was really peaceful, and as the sun was setting, bats and swallows swooped all over the water's surface. The pollution, sadly, was so thick that the colors of sunset were really vibrant and lovely.

We walked around the northern gate of the Imperial Palace, also known as the Forbidden City, and enjoyed people with their night kite-flying. These kites were affixed with LEDs of many colors and suspended hundreds of feet above us, much to the delight of the three of us and several tourist children.

From there we took a cab to the infamous Donghuamen Night Market, with a long row of carts and lanterns, and hundreds of patrons clamoring to taste the squid and fish balls and candied fruit on skewers. I got the latter, which looked positively delectable, but had trouble eating it because the noxious smells wafting and often pouring from some other ghastly menu options. Truly, the odor was too nauseating to enjoy or even taste my sweet fruit, so we high-tailed it from the market and wandered down Wanfujin Dajie, a popular Western-style shopping area, crammed full of boring American franchise eateries like Dairy Queen and Pizza Hut. We ended up at Pizza Hut, unfortunately, and while Briana's kebab came out in reasonable time, Katie and I had to cancel our pizza because it simply took too long and we were exhausted.

After walking well out of the range of tourists, we finally found an empty cab, and took it home.

That was our FIRST DAY.

***
On Sunday morning, after having a successful sleep with earplugs (THANK GOD for that!), we got ready for a big day and headed over to a nearby 7-Eleven that we had discovered during our search for the hotel. We were looking for somewhere to eat breakfast or at least get some coffee.

I need to take a minute to express just HOW amazing this 7-Eleven was: well-lit, clean, fully-stocked, steamed buns, sandwiches, gimbap, salads, fresh fruits, teas of all special types, and a ridiculously large and affordable alcohol selection that wasn't even behind the counter! There was also some really strange loop of two instrumental songs over and over again, and to one of which I decided the lyrics were "Xanadu...la la la la la la, Xanadu..." It sounds only vaguely similar to the Olivia Newton-John Broadway number.

We unanimously decided that we would end up there a few more times before we left Beijing.

Afterward, we again made our way to the Lamasery, through the lovely park and all the happy, relaxed Beijingers playing badminton and stretching and doing group synchronized dancing to a tape. The Yonghe Lamasery was so cool, huge and extravagant and crowded. There was a long entry path lined with large shade trees and golden ceramic-roofed buildings and gateways and incense burners in every corner and cart selling piles of huge incense sticks all around the entrance. Inside each building was a shrine to Buddha or important Buddhist masters, gilded and surrounded with silks and ornate gilded wood carvings, candles, flowers, and extensive paintings all over the walls and ceilings.

Although dozens of people were burning their incense in homage to Buddha (since it was Buddha's birthday), burning it inside the buildings, as well as flash photography, was not permitted. People came in and lay three sticks of fresh incense down by altars in every room. I came across one man who was clearly en train de 108 bows. It was so peaceful to float quietly into rooms with Buddhists silently saying their prayers and finding spiritual solace. It was remarkably quiet everywhere, despite so many believers and tourists. I think everyone displayed a significant amount of respect (except for those snapping photos inside the rooms).

Wanfuge (the Ten-thousand Happiness Pavilion), was very large room that housed a three-storey Maitreya statue, gilded of course, with intense yet serene black eyes and long drapes of rainbow silk swagged over its hands. I stood directly below it and craned my neck upward. It's made of a huge white sandalwood tree trunk, which extends 8 meters underground and is 18 meters tall, and is one of the three best wood carvings in the Yonghe Lamasery. It took three years to transport it to Beijing and was carved under the supervision of Emperor Qianglong. It was mesmerizing.

I found a little corner shop in this absolutely enormous complex and picked up some nice souvenirs, including a little jade Buddha and some gorgeous post cards of pictures I wasn't allowed to take of the shrines.

How could I forget my lungs? With Beijing's air already irritating my tender post-bronchitis lungs, the incense smoke pluming from fire pits near every shrine smelled lovely, but I was choking and growing more hoarse by the minute. Katie and I both were dying, actually. After about an hour, we had enjoyed and inhaled our fill of the Lamasery, and elected to take a cab to Tian'an Men Square.

Obviously the cab ride was very exciting, and I was already starting to feel like I knew my way around the city, at least a bit. The Imperial Axis has such an energy, it's unmistakable. The cab driver dropped us off beside the Great Hall of the People, right next to the National Grand Theater (nicknamed "The Egg") which I had unfortunately forgotten to insist on walking past. We turned and walked toward the Mao Zedong Mausoleum and the Zhengyang Men, and on the way I purchased a lovely pink bamboo parasol from a pushy and manipulative lady, only because the sun was definitely beating down on my shoulders and it was a relatively hot day.

We walked all around Tian'an Men Square, which certainly lives up to its colossal reputation. We sat in the grass (which was suspiciously empty when we came to it), ate popsicles and pondered China, and within 25 minutes we were shooed off by some irate police.

On our way toward the Forbidden City entrance, we took several "we were here" photos, and so many opportunistic Chinese tourists grabbed me to pose with them! The first couple were cute, the next group a bit confusing and funny, and the third befuddled me into exclaiming, "What? Again? Why? WHY?!" But I posed anyway.

Describing the Imperial Palace is useless. Words like "big" and "beautiful" have no business anywhere near it. This place spared no expense. Having recently been repainted and restored quite a bit for the 2008 Summer Olympics, the buildings were in marvelous shape and gave a good sense of how the privileged few lived within these forbidden walls. We were a bit pressed for time, so our path led generally through the middle section of the palace, almost completely devoid of trees other than the Imperial Garden in the northern part of the palace. This is where the Emperor and Empress spent October through April of every year through the Ming and Qing dynasties. Huge bronze pots sat near the buildings, meant to be kept filled with water in case of fire.

Every little thing, every stone rail along a step, every platform, every gate, door, door knocker, brick, garden pebble mosaic, veneer, ceramic tile, overhang, incense burner, drainage spout, everything was a detail that was given attention and that meant something like happiness, luck, wealth, longevity, or represented the Emperor or Empress. My thoughts were consumed with what this place must have been like hundreds of years ago, quiet, new, and imperially exclusive.

We were in too much of a hurry to entertain my imagination in this swarming tourist trap. I would've stayed all day, meandering my way around. But I'll find my way there again.

The exit out the north part of the palace seemed oddly open, and, free. As in, it's possible we wouldn't have had to pay admission if we'd entered this way. We tried really, really hard to catch a cab at the end of the sidewalk, but we were blown off by at least half a dozen drivers and coveted by twice as many motorized rickshaws with enough room for two but NOT three people! Why would they stop? Who would we boot?

*****(I'll finish this and add more photos when I have time, but until then, I'll post what I've accomplished)*****

I went with my two friends, Katie and Briana, for a three day trip to Beijing (北京) during a long weekend for the Children's Day holiday in Korea.  It turned out to be a major travel period, because China, too, had a national holiday called Workers' Day, which lasted May 1-3.

Friday night, after work, the three of us met at Katie's house with our luggage, and gushed about what we would do on our trip the next day.  We slept for about 2 or 3 hours before waking up early to catch a shuttle bus to the airport.

The shuttle was probably as long as the flight to China.  I was exhausted, good old insomnia prevented me from getting more than an hour of sleep so far.

We made it to the Beijing International Terminal, which is absolutely huge and really beautifully designed, around 11am (China time).  After a little monorail shuttle ride to the exit area, we found a cab and showed him the address to our hotel.  The landscaping along the highway is a bit one-note, with the same trees planted in a very redundant grid pattern, but it was landscaped the whole way (which is not the case on the way to the Incheon Airport just outside of Seoul).

It seemed our cab driver could not specifically locate our hotel, even after he called them, so he dropped us off and gave us some helpful advice (in Mandarin) and drove away.  The three of us wandered up on street and then back down and around, until we went into a different hotel and asked the clerk where ours could be.  Oh so eventually, we were in our moldy room, changing our clothes and sprawling out, exhausted, on the beds.  I asked the clerks where we were on the map, but mostly we communicated using pointing and gestures, as the gap between Korean and Mandarin was sizeable.  Our hotel was on Hepingli Xijie (和平里西街"Hepingli West Street"), so from there finding our way around made sense.

We decided to walk south, since the map said that's where everything was.  We came upon a lovely public park, and strolled through it.  This was the Park of the Altar of Earth, and it had a large entrance to a market that we considered but didn't enter.  Around the bend was a HUGE restaurant with big gaudy red lanterns and elaborate wooden carvings.  Since we were starving, we went in and figured out the extensive menu.  I took photos of all our plates, which included spicy smoky duck soup, Sichuan noodles, stuffed eggplant, steamed dumplings, but some of the dishes were less than tasty for our Western palates.  We simply ordered more, because the food was SO cheap!  That was fun.

Then we investigated the strange building across the street, which turned out to be the Yonghe Lamasery.  It was about to close, so we exlpored nearby the preserved hutongs (alleyways), and down Guozijian Jie (国子监街/國子監街 "Imperial College Street").  We drank Red Bulls while sitting on a stoop and watching the world a bit, marveling at how different China and Korea seemed to be.  We decided to go to Beihai Gonguan (北海公园 "Park of the Northern Sea") from there.

This place was truly magnificent, with a lake, or the "Northern Sea" (Bei Hai), surrounding the Tuan Cheng (Round City) and the Qiong Dao (Jade Islet) where sits the Bai Ta (White Dagoba), and we walked all over and took hundreds of pictures.  It was really peaceful, and as the sun was setting, bats and swallows swooped all over the water's surface.  The pollution, sadly, was so thick that the colors of sunset were really vibrant and lovely.

We walked around the northern gate of the Imperial Palace, also known as the Forbidden City, and enjoyed people with their night kite-flying.  These kites were affixed with LEDs of many colors and suspended hundreds of feet above us, much to the delight of the three of us and several tourist children.

From there we took a cab to the infamous Donghuamen Night Market, with a long row of carts and lanterns, and hundreds of patrons clamoring to taste the squid and fish balls and candied fruit on skewers.  I got the latter, which looked positively delectable, but had trouble eating it because the noxious smells wafting and often pouring from some other ghastly menu options.  Truly, the odor was too nauseating to enjoy or even taste my sweet fruit, so we high-tailed it from the market and wandered down Wanfujin Dajie, a popular Western-style shopping area, crammed full of boring American franchise eateries like Dairy Queen and Pizza Hut.  We ended up at Pizza Hut, unfortunately, and while Briana's kebab came out in reasonable time, Katie and I had to cancel our pizza because it simply took too long and we were exhausted.

After walking well out of the range of tourists, we finally found an empty cab, and took it home.

That was our FIRST DAY.

why not?

I'm finding myself with five minutes free and I've decided to write a brief entry. Not that it's extremely exciting, or that my content of five minutes will wow anybody...

Today I booked the tickets for my flight to Japan in June, which is wonderful (and EXTREMELY cheap!), and I'm going with one lovely coworker and possibly a second. The hostel prices (thanks to Luke) are so much better than hotels, so I've already booked a room to stay and everything.

In three days, my girlfriends and I are going to Beijing, even amid the TERROR of a worldwide pandemic of flu, supposedly of the swine variety, supposedly deadly, and supposedly spread by anyone returning from their non-essential travel to Mexico. Having not been to Mexico in nearly a full year (last Cinco de Mayo), I'm not concerned, not that I would bite the fear-mongering worm anyway. I'm totally resentful of oversensationalized media hype.

I've been really, really sick with bronchitis for over a week, and the weather has finally changed from rainy and cold to sunny and smoggy (albeit very pretty and green). My grandmother had a stroke on Easter and is now making a full recovery, which freaked me out but also showed me what an amazing woman she is. I've decided to go back to the States to visit this summer, especially to see my grandma.

The bell rang!

another interesting weekend

Oh, after such a hellish week, I came home Friday night and immediately began drinking some makgeolli, just to forget about it. No, I never, ever, ever drink alone, and yes, the week was that difficult. Briana and I agreed to go to a jimjilbang (private bath house) for the night, because the one she knows of is rather like a spa palace. After a drunken shower and shave (public nudity necessitates a bit of preparatory clean-up), I made my way to Briana's house, and we left for the Dragonhill Spa by Yongsan subway station.

And wow.

So much happened there that it's almost daunting to try to describe.

The entrance has a large, squatting, naked sculpture of a woman, which I obviously took photos with. The entrance is several people behind a kiosk-type desk, taking money and giving radio wrist-bands with keys attached to the patrons. You take your shoes off, put them in a locker, and proceed around a corner to an elevator.

Up three floors is the women's locker room, and the first thing off the elevator is another counter where you may purchase any kind of facial wash or scrub, body wash or scrub, tooth brush, shampoo and conditioner, bras, underwear, scrubby pads, dresses, purses, and nourishing face masks. You can walk up naked and buy armfuls of stuff, and simply scan your radio wrist-band and have it tallied up for you for later.

So, we changed our clothes; or rather, we took off our clothes and stuffed them into a locker, and then wandered around with all the other naked ladies into the public bath house area. This place was a palace, pure and simple. There were dozens of shower stalls, big tiled baths with water spilling in from fixtures resembling animals or vases, and a sauna and steam room at one end of the L-shaped room, with a bunch of tables set up at the other end for the ajumma to scrub your naked body. First, we took showers and used a bunch of the packets of wash and scrub that we bought at the counter in the locker room, and then we tested the waters in the various tubs (with the temperature displayed digitally above each). We wandered all around the bath house and eventually got hungry and changed back into the occultist matching cotton t-shirt and elastic shorts. Everybody had a set.

We went downstairs to a floor with a restaurant, snack bar, giant miscellaneous room, and several sleeping rooms. This floor also had a very large pool, but that was not accessible for the season, so we could only look at it through the locked glass doors. We went to the restaurant and ordered food and sat with the other cult members and I marveled at how hard my week got towards the end and how it makes me hate myself so thoroughly by Friday night, every week. This being Friday night, my feelings were right on par.

After dinner, we went into the giant miscellaneous room, complete with an enormous HD television in the middle of the room, a gaudy gold- and red-covered throne, 20 or so massage chairs (Sharper Image-esque) all along one wall, a snack bar, King Tutenkhamen golden statue, artificial waterfall rock formation, two ten-foot-high Egyptian-style pyramids, and four gigantic crystal chandeliers on the ceiling. Whoever designed this room must've been throwing money at a novelty catalog with absolutely no sense of taste. To top it off, the most bizarre thing by far, there were at least fifty people sleeping all over the floor, sprawled out in their little matching cotton getups. Many of them were couples, and almost everyone had a little "pillow" to rest on; a vinyl-covered brick with padding within.

Across the room was a doorway guarded by three 3' statues of emperor penguins, and this led to an ice room, the complete opposite of a sauna. It was extremely cold and only tolerable for about two minutes. There were stairs leading down to a game room with computers and racing games and arcade games and the like, with another sleeping room leading off of that. Everywhere I walked things seemed more and more curious (curiouser and curiouser, if you will).

Since by this time, it was after 2am, Briana and I resolved to sitting in some massage chairs and scanning our wrist-bands for a relaxing seven minutes. Briana fell asleep during hers, but I was too stunned by the oddities around me and how everyone was so nonchalant and comfortable.

The unfortunate part of being an insomniac is the inability to sleep, otherwise it's not too bad. Here I was, trapped in guaranteed discomfort, with lights on in every "sleeping" room, and dozens of people around me making individual noises. My only options were the brick pillow and the floor, with the possibility of darkness in a room that was too hot and totally crowded with snoring women, otherwise I could join the couples on the stone floor in the miscellaneous room, or the sleeping room that smelled like a fireplace, or...I could stay awake and panic because there was no chance in hell I was going to sleep despite my fatigue. Times like this ruin good, relaxing baths and soaks.

Eventually I slept, but woke up with some tall woman poking her feet in my face repeatedly, so after only two hours, I was awake and facing the same ordeal all over again. I took my iPod and sojourned through the various floors with bloodshot eyes and a brick pillow and my two hand towels (no blankets). After another two hours in a cooler room with some couples, listening to an ambient album only barely masking the roaring sinuses of some man at the end of the room, I staggered back up to the previous room that was at one time dark. For some reason, the sunlight seemed more inviting and relaxing and I fell asleep immediately, and was rewarded with an additional three and a half hours of decent sleep.

The next morning, when Briana and I dragged out of the sleeping room, we showered again, and found the ajumma ready to scrub and massage our bare bodies. For 40 bucks, it was extremely long and thorough, and rather painful. My ajumma even washed my hair after scrubbing my junk. Briana and I spent another half hour outside (in the private enclosed area accessible from the bathhouse) slipping around on plastic pool furniture (we were also covered in lavender oil). We decided we would grab some lunch at the restaurant before we left for the day, and so we changed and went down to purchase drinks.

What?! The wrist band doesn't work anymore?! We were told we had to go pay for more time, but that was just the answer we needed. We'd already been there 14 hours, and it was high time to move on.

If I could've taken pictures in this place, you would certainly have a better idea of how insane it is, and why it's so extremely popular! Thanks, Dragonhill Spa!

After that, we had dinner and went to see "The Watchmen" at the gigantic mall next door.

Sunday I had lunch with the girls plus some other folks I don't see often (actually I've only met them once before on New Year's Eve), and then the girls and I went to get some extra taekwondo training in Gangnam. I did yoga, jogged, roundhouse-kicked, jumped on a trampoline and flipped over onto a mat, and lifted weights for five hours. Then we grabbed some Indian food in Hyewa, which was TOTALLY delicious, and then some ice cream at the Cold Stone (Koreans are obsessed with ice cream).

That's not exactly a nutshell, but it makes for a short week when my weekends are so awesome!

Well, I did it to myself this time.  I stayed up pretty late last night talking on Skype to Toby, which is definitely one of my favorite things to do.  Then, I attempted to go to sleep but had a lot of trouble taking deep breaths and relaxing.  I imagine I spent at least half of the night in a kind of partially-conscious sleep, like if I downed a Red Bull or something just before bed.  I don't consume caffeine after 1 or 2pm anymore, just for sleep-related reasons, so...ugh.

Also, I was asked to teach an additional high school class on Wednesday mornings, at 9am.  If you do the math, you can see where my irresponsibility sets me up to fall, right?  All I needed was a reliable alarm clock, and this morning, maybe it went off but I don't remember and when I woke up at 9:30, the alarm was turned off.  I phoned the principal and she said it's okay because there's already a teacher in the classroom (the semester began weeks ago anyway), but I'll need to step it up if I want to appear the reliable person/teacher I am (I told myself this).  So that's how my morning began.

One of my coworkers mentioned a couple weeks ago at a big after-work dinner that she had two hamsters and they turned out to be the opposite sex, and was looking for a home for one of them.  Clearly, I offered to take it.  Last evening, she brought me a little white and gray dwarf hamster that I named Lloyd, and he's very cute and only 2 months old.  He's not as interested in me as I am with him, however, so I've resorted to offering him gifts of sunflower seeds and strawberries.

Why does time fly so quickly when I'm enjoying a rare relaxing moment?

But isn't it a blessing when you and your intentions are simply understood?  When things work themselves out just when you need them to?  When you can grow and succeed because of all the support, and not stumble and shrink because of minor adversity?  I didn't have to spell it out to Toby, but he put it just the way I felt it:  I'm off getting better, in just the right environment for me right now.  I thank God every day that my coworkers are such amazing men and women, that their work ethic and loving spirit are tireless and inspiring, and that having one coworker who ices out me something fierce can be put into an emotionally healthy perspective.  God gave me that person to help me learn self-love, something I have ALWAYS struggled with.  Instead of justifying and validating possible reasons why she hates me so much, I don't waste my time being upset about it (usually).  Sometimes it makes me angry, of course, because her behavior to me is unwarranted.  But then I recall when she and her husband invited me to lunch on my birthday, which was exactly two weeks after I moved to Korea, and I was already shocked that she was speaking to me because she had been so cold to me all of that second week.

In short, with consideration, I am able to see how this is her problem, her issue, and the stick is up her ass.  I am lovable and wonderful, and I would do anything for her if she gave me the time of day, just like I would with any of my coworkers or friends, because I believe in sharing love and giving it endlessly to everyone.  That is so different from my previous and unsuccessful approach to adversaries; I have typically licked my wounds and let it plague my heart.  So, her hateful presence is also a blessing in my life.

I stopped attending taekwondo for a few weeks while the dust settled on my new semester routine.  I miss the workout, the social environment, and having sore muscles every day, and even though I'm supposed to be cleaning and studying when I'm home, I am generally unproductive from the moment I walk through my front door.

I think I will go back this evening, just once this week.  The adults from the studio are going on a trip this weekend out to the Korean mountains and then out to the East Sea, which I presume is the Pacific Ocean.  Finally I get to see the ocean from the other side!  Cool, huh?!  Anyway, "Lost" should be back on Friday and this weekend promises to be very exciting, and there are ups and downs but I guess I'm pretty happy at the moment.

Off to work.

the final straw

Remember how my neighbors annoy the hell out of me with their noisy, inconsiderate ways? This morning, just now, at 6:30, they woke me up with their yelling, which is obviously unnecessary and so rude. I've put up with them banging around for hours for days and for months, feeling trapped in a torture chamber where I can't get any sleep.

I had previously asked the head teacher to type up a memo in Korean that asks them most politely to be quiet. I have rather an aversion to confrontation, so I figured this gave me a much longer rope with which to tolerate the noise.

I had also asked the head teacher to print out a list of my symptoms for the pibukwa, or dermatologist, so that I could get the eczema on my hand treated (several weeks ago). In my mess of an apartment, I just happened to keep these two memos together.

This morning, being woken up for the umpteenth time, I decided I'd had enough. I marched into the living room, grabbed the memo, and squinted in the dark to make sure I had it. Then I went upstairs and knocked on their door. The whole family was leaving for the day, and they were all in the doorway, and I handed the memo over.

Being exhausted and just woken, it took me a few minutes to understand their behavior. They read the paper again and again, under their breath, and looked back at me. The man pointed to his feet, and I said, "Yes, the stomping and the yelling!" And they looked back at the paper, confused...

Then, the lady picked up a cream from the counter and handed the memo back to me with this tube of cream. THEN it hit me. I had to laugh at myself and then apologize to them, making the 'be quiet' gesture with my finger over my mouth, that they understood, then I came back home.

Seriously, of all the things to mistake. Now I really don't want to confront them again over the noise levels, but maybe they'll be more quiet. If anything, it's impossible not to laugh at myself, and their poor confused faces, handing the memo to one another and re-reading it slowly...This weird foreigner shows up inexplicably at 6:30 in the morning and hands them a paper describing her eczema symptoms!

I'm going back to sleep.

recovery room

It should be said that I do tend to grow weary of being in the same place for too long. To further support this, I feel my body tensing up, my sleep patterns become irregular, jealousy for those with more freedom becomes acute, and the urge to complain is ever present.

This weekend my friend Briana and I left the bustling, condensed metropolis of Seoul for a calmer, slower pace with more fresh air. We took the subway south to Anyang, which I read an article about in an English magazine.

Upon our arrival, we immediately scanned the area searching for differences between this place and the place we'd just escaped. Sadly, there were few. Among them, far less traffic, which was nice, especially for a Saturday morning when it seems everybody has endless time and resources for joyriding. We meandered down some roads with a vague intention to eat lunch and a pressing need to find a restroom (or more likely, an available hole in the floor that flushes).

We found ourselves at a nice little traditional-style restaurant where you take off your shoes in the doorway and tuck them into a cubby so you can sit down on the heated (ondol) floor at a low table. It's totally commonplace. At first, we sat down near these two guys smoking and drinking soju (before noon), and I chose to move because I really don't need to smell or smell like burnt tobacco. It turns out that this gave me a great seat for the upcoming theatrics.

They were probably both completely slammed, but one guy was belligerent and extremely loud, bellowing at the ajumma (waitress restaurant owner lady). She wasn't scared of him, even when he got up and yelled in her face! She just called someone on her phone, and another guy showed up to help solve the problem diplomatically. To no avail. This drunk man was feeling really bold and got up and took another soju bottle out of the fridge (not something patrons are supposed to do) and sat down. The recently-arrived diplomat quietly went over and removed it from their table. Then some words were exchanged, some more bellowing ensued, and eventually these two guys were thrown out. The quieter of the two paid for their meal while the obnoxious one shoved and barked and was led outside.

Outside of the restaurant, the diplomat still tried to remain quiet and calm, but used a little more physical restraint with this guy. It took some time, but he and his buddy finally left.

About ten minutes later, they came back. By this time, our exciting lunch had come to an end and we were paying our bill. Of course, being two strong-minded, loud white women in a restaurant with a drunken bastard hassling some kind, mild-mannered restauranteurs, we were not about to let things get really out of hand without stepping in. Briana has a short fuse attached to a very big, unwieldy bomb, but I have been known to channel outrage into rather efficient responses. We decided we were part of Team Oh-Hell-No (O.H.N. for short) and weren't going to stand by and watch this injustice. So here come the drunks, unconvinced that they were no longer welcome and that they were too inebriated to be served.

Our belligerent fellow is met by the diplomat once more, who attempts to wrangle him into some kind of submission, but in a really passive, half-hearted way. What's the matter with these people? Punch him in the stomach and call the cops!! At some point, this guy walks to the side of the restaurant and SLAMS his face into a vending machine. Briana is horrified and begins screaming, "Psycho! Oh my God he's PSYCHO! PSYCHO!" which was echoed by other patrons familiar with the word. I put my shoes on and we both took our rings off (figuratively) because we were ready to defend this place. We stood in the doorway (two glass doors) and watched this guy now surrounded by several useless pacifists. He tried to come into the restaurant through the door I was now blocking, and opened it in toward me. I simply pushed my fingers into his chest and backed him out the door and then closed it on his face. He struggled to open the doors again, but Briana and I held true!

Oh, and we took photos of this incident, because we were on a vacation and care little about the "loss of face" taboo in conservative Korean culture. Especially for a raging drunk.

Then we found our way over to Anyang Art Park, which was my main destination. There was a deafening over-the-hill Korean traditional pop concert attracting hundreds of elderly hikers that seemed to be an all-day event. We could hear it from every corner of the park, which was rather sizable. The art itself was really cool, made by artists international, and completely interactive. I was a bit surprised to see parents leading their youngsters through the explicit content part of the park with nude statues and erotic poses. Maybe, though, these kids think little of the indecency of a woman's naked breasts.

Oh, and the big building on the hill that said, "Resorts and Youth Hostel," was not that at all. In fact, there was no hostel and there were no rooms available for just two people, only three. I mentioned they should change their sign. We asked where else we might find lodging, and the hotel clerk said, "The..Moon Motel, or...others..." So, those were our options. Sounds like BS, right?

We went over to the Moon Motel, which we could see on an opposite hill, and quickly discovered its true source of business. Why put a love motel in an art park? Couples stinking of soju stumbled in at 2:30pm and clearly weren't going to bed for the night. We could reserve a room, but couldn't get in until 10pm. I hid my luggage behind the motel behind a trellis because I was plum tired of carrying all that cargo around with me.

The day lasted a long time, it seemed. The Anyangcheon (Anyang Stream) flowed through the middle of this park, and since the water was rather low, lots of cool things were exposed like broad granite stones, perfect for playing on. We joined some little kids who had an elaborate mission to collect all the trash, sticks, and leaves out of the water and sort it into piles on the rocks. It might have been briefly satisfying to kick their piles back into the water, but we merely laughed at the prospect and left them to their game. The sun had found itself at a very golden position in the sky, so the water and the children seemed rather ethereal.

Mostly by chance, Briana and I found ourselves at nice big restaurant that served shabu-shabu. Though I've heard of it many times in the States, I've only ever had it twice, both times here in Korea. This dinner was so exceptionally tasty that we ordered an additional half-serving (just for one person, not two). We were also trying to kill time until we could claim our room at the love motel. After some beer, soju, juice, "cider" (which is totally lemon-lime soda), and so much delicious food, we stood up from the floor, stretched our aching legs and bellies, and considered our fatigue just long enough to decide it was time to retire. We braced ourselves for the inevitably sexy room, and were pleased to discover that it was just clean, pretty, and actually very large.

There was a couch, ottoman, coffee table, and vanity partitioned on one half of the room, while the bed, plasma television, computer, and surround-sound speakers were on the other. There were fancy wrought-iron faux windows and the bathroom was awesome. They had lotions, large bottles of shampoo and conditioner, shaving gel, a water cooler, coffee mix, candies (Briana ate all of 'em), and even brushes available. We watched really old episodes of "The Simpsons" and flipped back occasionally to a tacky, overly-dramatic amateur soft-core porn movie on another channel. It was just like all the awful Korean soap operas except with bad lighting and sound, no music whatsoever, and a lot of bare breasts and asses. And tragically misinformed actors who DON'T have a CLUE how to please a woman. Yes, please, pull up my bra, gnaw on one nipple, and do me against the minivan in the parking garage. Lame.


The next day we decided we'd seen all we could in Anyang and took the train even further south to Suwon, and there we visited a cool temporary palace for the king that was built at the end of the 18th century.

It was peaceful, interesting, and inspiring. I thought back to a time of relying on ambient outdoor temperatures to be comfortable, hearing nothing but birds chirping and wind and the occasional conversation or laughter within the palace. When there were trees everywhere, and people got around likely by wagon, walking, or beasts of burden. Briana and I ate at a restaurant directly across the street, after resting and chatting on the giant peace bell structure next-door.

We gradually made our way back to Seoul proper, since it was a bit unappealing to go back to all that we'd left. The train ride back was fun because there was an elderly couple playing with each other, running back and forth on the train, snagging the warm seats left behind by exiting passengers. Their grins were so wide and genuine it was impossible not to smile and giggle with them and their other companions.

I went home with Briana and met her little rescue dog (whose leg was broken by her weekend babysitter while we were gone!), and helped her get the crate back into her apartment from her friend's upstairs, and showed her how to give the little dog syringed pain medication. After a cab ride home, I was finished with my weekend!

And ready to start a frightening new week?

The week has gone extremely quickly but it threatens to leave no survivors. I've written too much to describe it in any detail, so I'll just say I'm wiped. I need to rest but first I need to catch up to everything I need to finish. When will that happen? I haven't felt on top of things since January. Strength, Lord, please give me STRENGTH.

no more tiny violin

Wherever I go, Life follows me. I have been neglecting loving myself, and so I was recently inspired to remember where my love is and put it to good use.

On Valentine's Day, I'd like to say I began (but did not fully execute) that philosophy again. After a rigorous belly dancing class and a small lunch with some new pals, I had a successful language exchange session and then met up with my girlfriends for dinner at the creatively-named "Foreign Restaurant" that serves Indian and Arabian food. I had matsu puuri, which was wonderful, and one of our friends bought dinner for everybody!

We went down to Hongdae again, where many foreigners and Koreans flock to drink and dance, and that's exactly what we did. It was inadvertently the arrival to a Singles' Party hosted by the bar, but really I don't think that meant anything because the atmosphere seemed virtually unchanged since we were there on New Year's Eve.

I drank quite a bit, and danced to my heart's content all night, sometimes with a friend, sometimes with a stranger. I think one of my girlfriends may have been dismayed that I danced with so many strangers, but I was having a grand old time flirting my way around the room. I didn't do anything wrong or disgraceful, except for maybe falling on the floor once...which I choose to think of as "getting down."

Considering there were so many foreigners in the area, this certainly comes with its fair share of anonymous hookups, particularly with military personnel. I was not spared from those invitations, but was actually able, despite my inebriated stupor, to DECLINE! Hooray me! I call that an example of self-love, right there. I'm so proud of me.

I joined some other friends for an after-bar meal at a restaurant upstairs somewhere (I honestly do not remember why or how we ended up there), and then managed to make my way to the subway station with my remaining buddy, Tae-Seung. He made sure I got on the first train, which was awfully good of him. From there, I was conceivably an hour away from my home. The trains start running again at 5:18am, so it wasn't going to be long before I could be at home in bed....

But then at 8:30 I woke up and had NO CLUE where I was! Luckily the train I was on makes a full circle, so after I made a bewildered round of the subway station I got back on the train and proceeded to FALL ASLEEP AGAIN! Sometimes there were lots of people on the train, sometimes very few, but every time I woke up there they were staring at me. I certainly could have hooted, "Whoo! America! Obama!" and then passed back out, that would've probably satisfied their suspicions.

By the grace of God, I woke up seconds before my intended stop, and wandered out through the station to buy some gimbap for breakfast and out into the harsh 9:30 overcast daylight. I spent Sunday in and out of bed, which was actually really nice. I made some tasty healthy food, and enjoyed my quiet time.

This may not sound like the healthiest recommencement of loving myself, but I can most definitely see dramatic progress deep down. Plus, I went out and danced like it was my job. That would be a good job.

three weeks and bad news

Man, do I have trust issues! The trouble with making new friends is that I just plum don't trust 'em to like me behind my back. I'm always completely convinced that if I wasn't perfectly entertaining to be around, they'll group up without me and tear me to shreds or psychoanalyze me in a bad way, anything but have compassion and understanding. I have no faith in my friends out here.

It makes me really miss the good friends I have elsewhere, too. Even though I'm sure I've been under the microscope a few times for tactless and crotchety behavior, I haven't been paranoid enough to be convinced that they didn't genuinely like me.

Of course I know I'm cooking up stories in my head. Obviously, because that's what I do. I think I'm actually trying to be lonely and miserable, so I am suspicious of the only two good buddies I've made out here. On the other hand, I've seen the way they are about people if those people make mistakes. I've heard the mercilessness of outsiders who weren't perfect, did something wrong (even downright stupid), and were ostracized most conspicuously afterward. I do not consider myself exempt from this.

Additionally, I've grown up with this. My mother is the premium shit-talker, guys. She trashes anybody and everybody for minor flaws in personality, for being less-than-perfect, for not bowing down and doing her bidding in a way satisfactory to her standards. She has no mercy, and I mean NONE WHATSOEVER. She has slammed my father, my grandmother, my step-dad, her coworkers, my brother, and of course me countless times. You'd think, by the way she talks about everybody, that she hated our guts and she wouldn't waste her time with any of us. And then, just like that, she thinks so highly of everybody, just until they piss her off again. The things she says are so cruel, so contemptuous, I would even cry in my bed at night hoping she didn't really feel that way about me.

I do not want to become this way. I know I'm paranoid about my friends because I'm used to being devalued and defamed by my own fucking mom every chance she got. I know I have a habit of believing the worst about what people may think about me. I know I choose to believe that people do not really like me, that I am not lovable, and that I am going to be alone forever because I cannot fully contribute to a successful, healthy relationship.

I strongly believe in taking responsibility for one's choices in life.

So, at this point, what do I do? Do I recede back from whence I came? Avoid spending time with people who have undoubtedly exchanged a few colorful words about me? Shall I become the miserable recluse I've always dreamed of being? I've invested a LOT of money into a class I take with them and I'm paid through the month, so I'm essentially bound into going. I suppose I'm going to have to choke on this ego thing and chew on the past emotional abuse thing and get over it.

On the brighter side, way over on the other side of the Pacific, I know I have dear, wonderful friends who sincerely love me and appreciate me, even with my flaws. Those are the people who make up my surrogate family, who don't try to recruit each other for the Amanda-Haters Club, who love me for who I am and how I love them. It is a very lonely feeling to be so far from the people who understand me, even though they understand why I am so far away.

I love you guys and I miss you, deeply and desperately.