wish you were here

I've found myself so groggy or sleepy or spaced out for several days.  I'm functioning all right, but now and then I wonder if I'm going to wake up in the middle of it.  When I was in college sometimes I felt like this, a bit, as though I'd just come to and realized I had a test the next week and had just been chugging along without looking forward or backward.

It isn't deja vu, but sometimes almost the opposite, as though I'm experiencing something I remember from a vivid dream.  I suppose this comes with being so close to a vacation that is surely the most unique homecoming of my life.

Last week I got a black eye during a bit of an extreme low point for me, which is odd because I've been trying so hard to be better.  I've nearly doubled my workout regimen and have clear results to show for it, so I'm really proud of that.  I've also taken more risks and relaxed about priorities and demands, which may well be the source of my daydreaming.  Without deliberate focus, perhaps I tend to mentally drift far and away.  I have more projects and most of them go unfinished (not unusual for me), but I abandon them sooner after starting them and care little about seeing them to completion.

The nice thing is that I have recognized my ability to bounce back, which is probably also part of this detachment.  This could be a mental and emotional recuperation, standby mode if you will, to help me leg up the last week until I have a legitimate rest.

I've started focusing more on dancing, too, since I have more experience in my repertoire.  I have to create the costumes for the performances, which I am most certainly not ready for, but it has given me a new opportunity to practice my limited sewing skills and to incorporate some of the many beads I bought last year at the Tucson Gem Show into something that represents my artistic side.

I like where my head is right now, although I haven't connected much to anything.  I feel really grateful for the people out here who love me, and for the beautiful summertime biology that is so different from a desert summer.  I've packed and cleaned a bit, too, and have managed to get my glasses repaired and tended to my puffy purple eye, so I haven't disengaged myself completely from the world.

Only time will tell.  I like to wonder how I will reflect back on this next summer.

n-e-g-l-e-c-t, find out what it means to me

Since I have absorbed myself in the first 4 seasons of LOST rewatching, coping with what I considered to be an extreme amount of work (nearly overwhelming), and considering what I want to do with the next few months of my life, it has been a bit impossible to come here and drop an update in without wanting to elaborate on the minutia and having that sinking feeling at the same time.

But now that I am post-attitude adjustment, I'd like to think things have smoothed out enough for me to paraphrase them in my rarely-read myspace blog.

I've been quite ambivalent about whether I wanted to stay past the end of my contract in November.  Several reasons were pushing me to stay, like tax paperwork I'd have to do if I came back in 2009, not wanting to dive into the so-called recession where my family and friends are being laid off every month or so, enjoying my friends here, and wanting to stick out another paid vacation to travel where I please for a week.

And certainly, there were things compelling me to cut my losses and run, but many of them dissipated with my poor attitude about things.  The high school and kinder classes I teach are both over for summer vacation, so that took a huge load of stress and excess work off my shoulders, for now.  Missing important people back home has also distracted me.

I'm learning several lessons about minimizing the number of things that would anchor me to a specific location, like pets and furniture, since I am so hungry to wander and be available for those ephemeral opportunities.

Despite having some tension with such intense friendships, I still love my friends here very much.  It's refreshing to learn myself so much better in sticky situations with these guys, since our community is so small and we depend on each other more than we would if we lived back home.  I'm so blessed to have found trustworthy, supportive friends here.  Strangely, my friends are almost exclusively female.  I think this is largely because the straight male expat population here seem to be very interested either in having drunken flings or Korean girlfriends, and expat men are quite popular among the radiantly beautiful Korean females here, so that creates a predictable situation.  I'm not thrilled about the dating scene here, and don't find myself interested in anybody to speak of, so instead my heart points west.

I take my job seriously, and I try to do a good job.  I can tell my students love me, especially the kindergarteners, because they swarm me in the halls and show me loose teeth and scraped knees and mosquito bites, or wrap their tiny arms around my waist or legs and drag along any time I pass them in the halls.  All I need for a pick-me-up is to wade through the halls when they're about and reassure myself of my rock star status.  I love it.

For the kids I have trouble with, I've found that I'm not the only teacher struggling with them, since I've talked to other teachers and they all want to scream or cry or punch the wall at least occasionally.  I see them handling themselves with such grace, so I know I can do the same.

I'm doing taekwondo every week and am nearly a green belt (that's the 4th belt level).  I'd be much further along, but money and time constraints have kept me from fiercely dedicating my time to it.  I also take belly dancing, and have been invited to join the performance troupe that dances at shows each month (if not more often).  I really enjoy it but I'm not confident that I'm ready to dance in public, at least until August or September.  Taekwondo should help with that, too.

The weather here is pretty awesome.  Yes, it rains at least every other day, usually all day long, but the air is cool most of the time (although sometimes it is unbearably warm and muggy), and the plants everywhere are so green and full and stunning.  There are different flowers blooming every few weeks and frogs singing and honey and bumble and native bees moving all over the flowers, and I like to hike up around the small mountain behind my house and breath in the sweet forest air.  My friends pressure me to find an apartment closer to the bustling part of town, but this is where I belong, in the suburbs, close to nature, so that I can retreat into it when I please.

In three weeks I'm coming back to Phoenix and Tucson to visit.  My grandmother had a stroke on Easter and since then she has been recovering (almost completely!), but it rattled me so much that I didn't hesitate to spend an ENTIRE paycheck on airfare back for my week-long summer vacation.  I'm so excited to see everybody I love in Arizona, to have reverse-culture shock, and not be at work for a whole week.  I'm literally counting down the days.

Even without studying very much, I understand and can speak quite a bit of Korean, which I am quite proud of.  If I gave it any kind of effort, I'm sure I'd be partly fluent by now, but I have found lots of other things to do with my time.

My break is about over and I have to do something responsible before it ends, so I should wrap this up.  Maybe I'll grab another cup of coffee!