And when I'm feeling more like a human

Nursing an injury is so tedious, especially when the threat of budget, time, long commute, and previous obesity give me extreme anxiety over gaining any kind of weight. When I had a broken toe, and missed six weeks of Muay Thai, I could literally FEEL my fitness diminishing and it took weeks to get back into the groove. I pushed myself so hard to catch up.

For the past three weeks, at least, I've had a pinched nerve in my hip. Horror stories of incurable sciatica pain found their way into my heart, discouraging my hopes of recovery and retaining what youth I have left for an active lifestyle. Honestly, the outlook was bleak. Only in the past week, following a chiropractor visit, have I begun to feel as though I am healing. Thank God for this recovery; I went to a boxing class last night and no excruciating hip pain drove me out early. I noticed a fair amount of soreness, like whiplash, in the lower half of my back, but that must certainly be from all the lurching and seizing up my muscles endured each time that pinched nerve zapped me. Today, though I don't feel like I'm slipping back into the injury, I can tell I still need to take it easy. Stupid sports injuries.

On the other hand, I'm an athlete, or at least I'm somewhat athletic. I dance weekly. I participate in boxing, kickboxing, or Muay Thai every week (even when I was injured, I did at least one class a week). I don't run like I should or want to, and I wish I had any kind of time for yoga or meditation, but either way...today I feel like I am ascending once more, rather than slipping back into fat land.

I won't go back, dammit. I will never gain that weight back.

Furthermore, working out is my therapy! I did not enjoy last night's class; I was struggling with limited lung capacity, a great deal of fatigue and lactic acid, low stamina, and ridiculous heartburn from eating spicy scrambled eggs two hours earlier. It was miserable! Still, as I walked out of class, I realized I did not have a headache, I felt alert, accomplished, and most importantly I felt no shooting hip pain. What a relief. I can move forward with my life.

***

It is possibly a symptom of a whole gamut of recent lifestyle and philosophy changes that I surround myself with the most incredible, encouraging, openly loving people. People who don't quit when life is inconvenient, who never shy away from challenge, who dream big and who stay positive and avoid incessant harping. Long gone are the days of fickle, two-faced, pathological "friends" who served only their own interests and honored only those commitments that suited their capricious preference or validated their insecurities. The last of those "friends" to be scratched off my list was Toby. I held onto him for dear life, afraid of what losing him might mean. What happens to this understanding and insight into my heart that he possesses? The idea of starting over with someone felt too great, but I neglected to note my own renovation of my social life to date. Toby was just the last detail to address, the biggest detail.

He represents the end of that side of me. The girl who let people walk on her, back out on plans, condemn and criticize, or gang up on her, simply to avoid burning bridges or enforcing her boundaries. I'll suggest a few possible causes for this new me:

*I'm a teacher who must strictly patrol and enforce classroom protocol and policy
*Therapy in 2008 that brought me back from the brink of near-suicidal depression
*Living alone in a foreign country, and subsequently traveling alone in other foreign countries
*Belly dancing (semi-professionally!)
*Earning a black belt in a martial art (never saw that coming!)
*Losing 85lbs!

All of these things have influence on each other, and are reinforced by one another. So, having this new life with all these mature and emotionally healthy standards, how could I possibly entertain unhealthy friendships? It is most beneficial to have exorcised them from my heart.

I do miss Yoshi, though. Maybe sometime this year I'll get my own place and demand that Toby give me at least partial custody. That does mean at least occasionally interacting with Toby, but I'm sure at some point I won't loathe the sight or thought of him. Maybe after that point.

Anyway, I don't need to trash Toby to explain that I am very blessed to have the people in my life that I now take special care to involve in my life. They are in my corner, they notice, they care, they are genuinely fond of me, they turn to me for help, they reciprocate with support, they are honest with me, they are brilliant, fun, witty, and intellectually challenging. They are not voluntarily ignorant, or pompously opinionated. They are good, strong people. They are each blessings and gifts from God.

I even have amazing students (usually). Some of them teeter between mediocre and excellent, and others are steadfastly wonderful. I am blessed to have these kids in my life, too.

I have to remind myself to be grateful, because sometimes I can be blinded by fatigue and stress and my own ambition, and it causes me to forget that life is still beautiful and God is still good. These people around me are carrying me through the most difficult times in my life, and I know that I am worthy of this love.

When I'm feeling like nobody

These days of dragging my limbs, prizing my way through the barriers before each hour of every laborious day, forcing myself to remember to suck enough air into my lungs, facing the bleak realizations that my dearest loves cause me financial hemorrhaging, unable to perform a consistent character role in front of a hundred scrutinizing judges. These days of knowing I am healing and still putting myself within firing range. These horrible days of endless options and no options at all, no confidence, years of empty qualifications earned. These days that turn into weeks of bad habits, poor choices, slipping backwards, short tempers, malnutrition, and empty gas tanks.

I am, quite literally, almost always running on empty. Fueling up costs me at least $50 each time, and driving to Phoenix for my dance commitments nearly 8 times a month is running me around $300 a month, at least. I am officially the proud possessor of two dollar bills and zero bank account funds. One of my students was robbed of his vending machine lunch during my class, and because we were unable to turn it up from the students, I covered the cost of it even though I honestly could not afford to give him the money. I can't get to work tomorrow, I literally have so little gasoline. And I've done this all to myself.

With my grand plans, and all my years of effort, I feel no closer to my goal of graduate school. I've not even been officially rejected, but with three full months gone by, there's not much reason to hold on to that hope. It's going to take another year, more applications, more fees, more trying.

***