no more tiny violin

Wherever I go, Life follows me. I have been neglecting loving myself, and so I was recently inspired to remember where my love is and put it to good use.

On Valentine's Day, I'd like to say I began (but did not fully execute) that philosophy again. After a rigorous belly dancing class and a small lunch with some new pals, I had a successful language exchange session and then met up with my girlfriends for dinner at the creatively-named "Foreign Restaurant" that serves Indian and Arabian food. I had matsu puuri, which was wonderful, and one of our friends bought dinner for everybody!

We went down to Hongdae again, where many foreigners and Koreans flock to drink and dance, and that's exactly what we did. It was inadvertently the arrival to a Singles' Party hosted by the bar, but really I don't think that meant anything because the atmosphere seemed virtually unchanged since we were there on New Year's Eve.

I drank quite a bit, and danced to my heart's content all night, sometimes with a friend, sometimes with a stranger. I think one of my girlfriends may have been dismayed that I danced with so many strangers, but I was having a grand old time flirting my way around the room. I didn't do anything wrong or disgraceful, except for maybe falling on the floor once...which I choose to think of as "getting down."

Considering there were so many foreigners in the area, this certainly comes with its fair share of anonymous hookups, particularly with military personnel. I was not spared from those invitations, but was actually able, despite my inebriated stupor, to DECLINE! Hooray me! I call that an example of self-love, right there. I'm so proud of me.

I joined some other friends for an after-bar meal at a restaurant upstairs somewhere (I honestly do not remember why or how we ended up there), and then managed to make my way to the subway station with my remaining buddy, Tae-Seung. He made sure I got on the first train, which was awfully good of him. From there, I was conceivably an hour away from my home. The trains start running again at 5:18am, so it wasn't going to be long before I could be at home in bed....

But then at 8:30 I woke up and had NO CLUE where I was! Luckily the train I was on makes a full circle, so after I made a bewildered round of the subway station I got back on the train and proceeded to FALL ASLEEP AGAIN! Sometimes there were lots of people on the train, sometimes very few, but every time I woke up there they were staring at me. I certainly could have hooted, "Whoo! America! Obama!" and then passed back out, that would've probably satisfied their suspicions.

By the grace of God, I woke up seconds before my intended stop, and wandered out through the station to buy some gimbap for breakfast and out into the harsh 9:30 overcast daylight. I spent Sunday in and out of bed, which was actually really nice. I made some tasty healthy food, and enjoyed my quiet time.

This may not sound like the healthiest recommencement of loving myself, but I can most definitely see dramatic progress deep down. Plus, I went out and danced like it was my job. That would be a good job.

three weeks and bad news

Man, do I have trust issues! The trouble with making new friends is that I just plum don't trust 'em to like me behind my back. I'm always completely convinced that if I wasn't perfectly entertaining to be around, they'll group up without me and tear me to shreds or psychoanalyze me in a bad way, anything but have compassion and understanding. I have no faith in my friends out here.

It makes me really miss the good friends I have elsewhere, too. Even though I'm sure I've been under the microscope a few times for tactless and crotchety behavior, I haven't been paranoid enough to be convinced that they didn't genuinely like me.

Of course I know I'm cooking up stories in my head. Obviously, because that's what I do. I think I'm actually trying to be lonely and miserable, so I am suspicious of the only two good buddies I've made out here. On the other hand, I've seen the way they are about people if those people make mistakes. I've heard the mercilessness of outsiders who weren't perfect, did something wrong (even downright stupid), and were ostracized most conspicuously afterward. I do not consider myself exempt from this.

Additionally, I've grown up with this. My mother is the premium shit-talker, guys. She trashes anybody and everybody for minor flaws in personality, for being less-than-perfect, for not bowing down and doing her bidding in a way satisfactory to her standards. She has no mercy, and I mean NONE WHATSOEVER. She has slammed my father, my grandmother, my step-dad, her coworkers, my brother, and of course me countless times. You'd think, by the way she talks about everybody, that she hated our guts and she wouldn't waste her time with any of us. And then, just like that, she thinks so highly of everybody, just until they piss her off again. The things she says are so cruel, so contemptuous, I would even cry in my bed at night hoping she didn't really feel that way about me.

I do not want to become this way. I know I'm paranoid about my friends because I'm used to being devalued and defamed by my own fucking mom every chance she got. I know I have a habit of believing the worst about what people may think about me. I know I choose to believe that people do not really like me, that I am not lovable, and that I am going to be alone forever because I cannot fully contribute to a successful, healthy relationship.

I strongly believe in taking responsibility for one's choices in life.

So, at this point, what do I do? Do I recede back from whence I came? Avoid spending time with people who have undoubtedly exchanged a few colorful words about me? Shall I become the miserable recluse I've always dreamed of being? I've invested a LOT of money into a class I take with them and I'm paid through the month, so I'm essentially bound into going. I suppose I'm going to have to choke on this ego thing and chew on the past emotional abuse thing and get over it.

On the brighter side, way over on the other side of the Pacific, I know I have dear, wonderful friends who sincerely love me and appreciate me, even with my flaws. Those are the people who make up my surrogate family, who don't try to recruit each other for the Amanda-Haters Club, who love me for who I am and how I love them. It is a very lonely feeling to be so far from the people who understand me, even though they understand why I am so far away.

I love you guys and I miss you, deeply and desperately.