randy

Well this is certainly unfamiliar territory.  I could've sworn I had been here at some point before, but now I don't recognize anything.  It's a nice place, I like it very much, it's somewhere I want to keep coming back to, as long as I can.

Every good feeling I could describe would be too obvious and I don't want to write that down.  But I'm feeling good.  I'm feeling amazing.

red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight...

It is already cold!  Is this what the rest of the world experiences...four separate seasons??  I thought I wasn't going to be xericentric (I invented that word but you get it), though it's just a bit too chilly a bit too early!  Anyway, I'm just surprised, is all.  It now makes sense that September is traditionally lumped into the Fall months.  I'm so unprepared!

It's amazing how I can kill three hours with no productivity whatsoever.  How did I manage this, again?  There's no excuse for me to be awake now.  Except syndicated auditions of yet another season of American Idol.

Oh and my high school class is difficult to teach.  I've only been back for two classes, but during the first class I asked for feedback on the way the first semester went.  They like the pictures I draw and put on the screen, they need me to speak more slowly and be more deliberate about putting up definitions (so they can translate things in their cellphone dictionaries).  They also asked for a curriculum prepared ahead of time so they know what's going on.  And I use the term "they" very loosely.  Out of 36 students, I could only solicit three to even speak to me, and this is all what they told me.  So I collected everybody's email addresses, wrote up a review of the genetics we've already covered, and sent it out.  Seven students' addresses were unsuccessful (because they are illegible) and I only got a response from one student (my favorite one, who speaks to me and does everything I ask and more like a perfect angel), thanking me for the effort.  So I teach this class for her.

But today, the second time through, nobody would answer me when I asked who didn't receive the email I sent (I don't know most of their names, by the way).  Then, at least 10 of them fell asleep multiple times during class.  When I was in high school, I only ever consistently fell asleep on Saturdays when I had to drag to my 6-hour college class and I was hungover or still drunk from Friday night's shenanigans.  And I admit it.  Stupid 6 days of school a week.  Totally impaired my party lifestyle!

But these kids aren't drinking!  They're just studying!  They always have some wholesome excuse why they can dick off in my class!  "Oh, Teacher!  I was at school until 11pm last night!  My mother makes me learn trombone and tennis and Chinese characters and English and robot science!"  Wah, wah, wah.

Anyway, I chewed them out for sleeping again and again, and got myself all angry and flustered, because I was insulted that they found my class so soporific.  But then I finally segued into population genetics, which I've been dying to get to for ages, but we haven't had class for months and I want them to know what the heck a trait is and how it works.

But that's boring to anybody who isn't interested in biology.  Are these kids really interested?  They don't seem to be.  I don't like wasting my time up in front of a sleeping class.  It's a major drain of energy.  Like a performer in front of a crowd of people who are all talking to each other and not paying attention, it's just a wasted investment of personal energy.  I get it, though.  They pay me to talk about science, and if these kids don't pay attention and keep sleeping, I'll just start giving pop quizzes and stuff.  Yeah, that's the kind of vengeance I can wield as a teacher.  That'll teach 'em!

O! But teaching American Sign Language to 5-year-olds is glorious fun!  This is both because I am teaching myself ASL and because my students are cheerful, energetic, and eager to learn!  We've developed an excellent rapport and and a good routine.  They know their abc's and tons of vocabulary (in both English and ASL) and it really helps with sentence structure and total physical response.  My snotty, uptight coworker, who is supposed to collaborate with me on the kinder lesson plans for the year, has instead elected to ice me out any time I mention what I'm doing or would like to do with my classes (or how pleased I am with the success of my approach).  I would be happy to work with her if she'd even speak to me or smile or be amenable at all, but she has made it quite clear that she works alone.  Either way, my kids are happy, whether or not the mothers are privy to the differences between our classes, and their English and ASL retention is fabulous, and they scream (and sign), "I love you, Amanda Teacher!!!" at the end of every class, so...you know.  My ego loves it.

On top of that, y'all, my kids are great, period.  I loved being a kid and I love kids and I think I was robbed of several years of innocence and blissful ignorance, so it's kind of like I can adore these kids with the unconditional love I deserved when I was little.  Maybe I can picture my inner child seated with these guys, and I'm just so proud and impressed by all of them for working so hard and being so sweet and obedient (because really, 10 hours of school a day is a whole lot to ask of anybody, especially kids).  Now, personally I need to work on my patience and my temper with some kids who talk ALL the time or never pay attention, but I still love them.

It really is my favorite thing to wade through the hallway and immediately have smiling 5-year-olds clinging to my legs and waist.  I love 'em.

I wonder what parenthood feels like compared to this, though.  I remember so much yelling and anger and violence and isolation when I was a child, that I'm sure it's ingrained in me that parenthood is miserable.  At least, that's how my mom acted.  My brother and I fought with each other because we weren't really taught to be loving or gentle to one another; my mom was seldom gentle or patient.  I don't want to have a temper like she had.  She's a better mom now, but I have to forgive her for a lot of trespasses to appreciate who she has become.

If nobody stopped me, I could literally gush about my students for hours.  But, a little bell went off in my head and reminded me that it is only Thursday night, and I could actually go to sleep now and have some morning time to myself before work tomorrow.  I think I ought to give it a try.

that silver lining

Last week, as the weather cooled, I found myself slightly disappointed that summer was ending.  Ordinarily, I am still sweating in stifling 100+ degree weather at this time of year, praying for the end of October.  Yet here I am, wearing longer sleeves and lamenting that I didn't spend more time in the sun.  I think it's partly because I am not psychologically prepared for another freezing winter!

This week, however, I do not feel that sense of melancholy.  I've found that all my projects haven't overwhelmed me, my job, housecleaning, sewing, taekwondo, dancing, GRE studying and preparation, grad school pursuit, these things are all just rewarding.  That was the original reason I wanted to do each of them in the first place.  Not so that I could be anxious and distracted and short-fused, but so that I could feel proud of myself and accomplished.

In a moment of untempered narcissism, I will also mention that I am happily losing weight and feeling very confident.  Weight issues affect millions, if not billions, of people's lives, and mine has been no exception.  I am proud to say that in two years I've lost 57 pounds!  I'm in a completely different frame of mind than I was the last time I was anywhere near that slim figure I'm now working for.  I was so depressed and self-destructive, insecure and ignorant, I could not appreciate anything about myself.  Now, on the other hand, I know what I love about myself.  I know that I am lovable.  I do not cringe at my reflection.  I have changed.  I have grown.  I have improved.

And my lunch break is over.