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Tonight, for some inexplicable reason, I feel incredibly lonely.
The Moon is a remarkable one; 30% bigger and 15% brighter, and some 22,000 miles closer to Earth. It's being referred to as a "super moon," but this phenomenon is simply the perigee of the Moon's orbit. No photograph of it does any justice. I've had to simply look up and ponder.
I love solitude and privacy, but retreating to my distant castle before midnight makes me feel like I'm beating the clock lest I turn into a pumpkin.
http://youtu.be/STK9a0eB390
What is next for me?
5.05.2012
5.03.2012
FINISH HER!
Even in this fresh new relationship with myself, I am recognizing red flags. Namely, that I can be very verbally abusive with myself.
Take, for example, this evening when I sat and watched two videos of performances I participated in with my troupe, approximately 6 months apart. My attention was, of course, focused on the gamut of insecurities I have regarding my weight, my timing, performance character, and grasp of the techniques and language. The earlier of the two won me some praise for looking svelte and having nice fluidity, but I pointed out the flaws in my cues and timing. The second of the two, a performance this past January, drew scorn and disappointment. I'd gained weight, I slaughtered at least 4 moves, my timing was off, and I recall feeling so proud of myself at the time. Foolish, I told myself.
See what I can do? I can let this take me down so far, just viewing two videos of myself doing something fun and creative, and I can convince myself that I am worthless and undesirable, that I have nothing going for myself. It's that proverbial round of Self vs. Evil Self, equally matched in power and agility, and I honestly thought I was winning. How does one overpower one's dark side?
It's been years since I've had professional therapy, and even though I'm provided several sessions for free through our insurance provider, I simply can't seem to make time for it. Come three weeks from tomorrow, I'm out of a job, and should be collecting unemployment if the stars are aligned in my favor.
Because I come to this blog when I'm trying to sort things out, I'll throw in some good news for posterity. Yesterday I observed one of the chemistry teacher's classes to satisfy a requirement by the district office, and the lesson just happened to be on colligative properties (the elevation of boiling point, depression of freezing point, lowering of vaporization, and osmotic properties upon the addition of any solute to a pure solvent). Now, considering it has been years since I took a chemistry course, I still happen to have minored in it, and felt as though I grasped those concepts very well, even if I can barely explain them or recall the terminology today. It has also been (not as many) years since my internship roaming the Southwest for hummingbird habitats, and I recall one of our many scientific debates was on that very topic: if salt is added to pure water (i.e. when cooking pasta), it changes the boiling point. My vote was that the boiling temperature is increased, and he insisted that it was decreased. Well, with great satisfaction, I am happy to say that I was right, and it was confirmed yesterday. I needed that. It validated me, if only a little, as a scientist.
Additionally, I suggested to a student of mine that if he needed a tutor during the summer, I would offer my services. That was only yesterday, and today he asked if I could tutor him during July for a tidy sum. This is perfect because I'll be broke and house sitting in Tucson this July, and that will keep me a bit more above water. Thank God.
I'm so anxious about the end of the year. There's nothing I can do but persevere and try to accomplish everything, but I'm always shooting for perfection and that's just so unrealistic. Why does it seem like everyone else has it figured out, and I can barely make ends meet or keep a job for more than a year?! Didn't I bust ass in college? I still have a small hill of debt to contend with, secretly, and the thought of entering the world of school costs all over again makes my stomach lurch. Just to be a damn teacher. That whole question of whether the time, money, effort, and constant opposition is all worth it? Dubious.
Let's not forget, while I'm busy playing my little violin, that I have been living in a virtual palace, fully-stocked, since late March. I'm here through the end of the school year, with no utilities or rent to pay, in a beautiful part of town with a plethora of desert flora and fauna, especially birds. The quail are regulars in the back lawn, but I see everything from verdins to cardinals to flycatchers. Then we have little furry rodents, notably cottontails. The burrowing ground squirrels and mice have turned up, but usually after they have befallen some terrible fate, such as a car or the cat. It's always tragic, and I try to gently move their remains somewhere they'd be comfortable. Not that I'm missing the point or anything. I also hear owls at night, and from this vantage point at the darker edge of the city, I have been fortunate enough to spot Venus on a regular basis, Jupiter for at least a month, and even Mars for a week or so. Once or twice, I saw all three! That is an incredible experience, valuable and profound.
Saturday is the junior and senior prom(enade), to which I have been invited and to which I am certainly going! I have a dress and shoes already decided on! I love a good reason to dress up.
Let's throw some more good news in here: I have officially joined the school of people obsessed with their smartphone applications. I only use a few, but I use them most frequently. The best, by far, is the little calorie diary that counts up my water, cardio exercise, and food intake. It sorts it into protein, fat, and carbs, and compares that to the proportions I should strive to meet. I can record my weight and view graphs of my progress (weight loss and staying within budgeted calories) weekly or monthly. I'm pleased to say I've lost 5 lbs! I had been feeling extremely disconnected with my food intake and out of control of my weight. It's wonderful to be so present in my daily diet and to push for some little goal like I would a video game. And the best part is, it translates to my real life and livelihood. Sure, I spend much more time looking at my phone, but I'm building muscle memory with portion control and ingredient choices that I never considered before. I need these habits in place and I'm sure grateful my phone is helping me lose weight!
Okay, I think I've cheered myself up well enough.
Take that, Evil Self!
Until next time...
Take, for example, this evening when I sat and watched two videos of performances I participated in with my troupe, approximately 6 months apart. My attention was, of course, focused on the gamut of insecurities I have regarding my weight, my timing, performance character, and grasp of the techniques and language. The earlier of the two won me some praise for looking svelte and having nice fluidity, but I pointed out the flaws in my cues and timing. The second of the two, a performance this past January, drew scorn and disappointment. I'd gained weight, I slaughtered at least 4 moves, my timing was off, and I recall feeling so proud of myself at the time. Foolish, I told myself.
See what I can do? I can let this take me down so far, just viewing two videos of myself doing something fun and creative, and I can convince myself that I am worthless and undesirable, that I have nothing going for myself. It's that proverbial round of Self vs. Evil Self, equally matched in power and agility, and I honestly thought I was winning. How does one overpower one's dark side?
It's been years since I've had professional therapy, and even though I'm provided several sessions for free through our insurance provider, I simply can't seem to make time for it. Come three weeks from tomorrow, I'm out of a job, and should be collecting unemployment if the stars are aligned in my favor.
Because I come to this blog when I'm trying to sort things out, I'll throw in some good news for posterity. Yesterday I observed one of the chemistry teacher's classes to satisfy a requirement by the district office, and the lesson just happened to be on colligative properties (the elevation of boiling point, depression of freezing point, lowering of vaporization, and osmotic properties upon the addition of any solute to a pure solvent). Now, considering it has been years since I took a chemistry course, I still happen to have minored in it, and felt as though I grasped those concepts very well, even if I can barely explain them or recall the terminology today. It has also been (not as many) years since my internship roaming the Southwest for hummingbird habitats, and I recall one of our many scientific debates was on that very topic: if salt is added to pure water (i.e. when cooking pasta), it changes the boiling point. My vote was that the boiling temperature is increased, and he insisted that it was decreased. Well, with great satisfaction, I am happy to say that I was right, and it was confirmed yesterday. I needed that. It validated me, if only a little, as a scientist.
Additionally, I suggested to a student of mine that if he needed a tutor during the summer, I would offer my services. That was only yesterday, and today he asked if I could tutor him during July for a tidy sum. This is perfect because I'll be broke and house sitting in Tucson this July, and that will keep me a bit more above water. Thank God.
I'm so anxious about the end of the year. There's nothing I can do but persevere and try to accomplish everything, but I'm always shooting for perfection and that's just so unrealistic. Why does it seem like everyone else has it figured out, and I can barely make ends meet or keep a job for more than a year?! Didn't I bust ass in college? I still have a small hill of debt to contend with, secretly, and the thought of entering the world of school costs all over again makes my stomach lurch. Just to be a damn teacher. That whole question of whether the time, money, effort, and constant opposition is all worth it? Dubious.
Let's not forget, while I'm busy playing my little violin, that I have been living in a virtual palace, fully-stocked, since late March. I'm here through the end of the school year, with no utilities or rent to pay, in a beautiful part of town with a plethora of desert flora and fauna, especially birds. The quail are regulars in the back lawn, but I see everything from verdins to cardinals to flycatchers. Then we have little furry rodents, notably cottontails. The burrowing ground squirrels and mice have turned up, but usually after they have befallen some terrible fate, such as a car or the cat. It's always tragic, and I try to gently move their remains somewhere they'd be comfortable. Not that I'm missing the point or anything. I also hear owls at night, and from this vantage point at the darker edge of the city, I have been fortunate enough to spot Venus on a regular basis, Jupiter for at least a month, and even Mars for a week or so. Once or twice, I saw all three! That is an incredible experience, valuable and profound.
Saturday is the junior and senior prom(enade), to which I have been invited and to which I am certainly going! I have a dress and shoes already decided on! I love a good reason to dress up.
Let's throw some more good news in here: I have officially joined the school of people obsessed with their smartphone applications. I only use a few, but I use them most frequently. The best, by far, is the little calorie diary that counts up my water, cardio exercise, and food intake. It sorts it into protein, fat, and carbs, and compares that to the proportions I should strive to meet. I can record my weight and view graphs of my progress (weight loss and staying within budgeted calories) weekly or monthly. I'm pleased to say I've lost 5 lbs! I had been feeling extremely disconnected with my food intake and out of control of my weight. It's wonderful to be so present in my daily diet and to push for some little goal like I would a video game. And the best part is, it translates to my real life and livelihood. Sure, I spend much more time looking at my phone, but I'm building muscle memory with portion control and ingredient choices that I never considered before. I need these habits in place and I'm sure grateful my phone is helping me lose weight!
Okay, I think I've cheered myself up well enough.
Take that, Evil Self!
Until next time...
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