belonging

I won't lie...I've been in a foul mood lately.

Sure, a lot of it I could blame on hormones and a gradually increasing sense of irritability.  I'm uncomfortable in my body, feeling bloated and gassy, and my clothes are mostly too tight.

There's been a great deal of work stress, very little thanks, and limited feelings of accomplishment.  Honestly, though, even the lovely disposition of so many of my students hasn't been enough to brighten my mood much or for very long.

That sense of elation and gratitude that I often have has been absent, and noticeably so.  And knowing that I'm barreling through the universe without a pervasive sense of awe and wonder makes me feel even worse.  I don't want to be so preoccupied by my own menial troubles that I forget how grand life is.

But you know something, I did not realize just how much I thrive in Noah's company, and he's been gone for two weeks.  We've spent a great deal of time together, and now going a stretch of time without him really makes a difference.  He just got back to town last night, and I finally got to see him again.  I felt myself smiling effortlessly, and laughing with gusto, and it was easy.

And he called me his girl, out loud, more in casual reference than anything, but it was practically a fucking declaration, one I thought I'd never hear.  I'm His Girl!  His friends have referred to me as his girlfriend several times, and he's never corrected them (at least not in front of me), but I don't want to do anything to try and augment the situation.  If he wants me to be his girlfriend, well I'm good and goddamned ready to be!  If not, well I've got other prospects and I'm sure I'll bounce back, even after much heartbreak and resentment has transpired.

But the idea that I am someone's girlfriend is kind of exciting!  Not just any someone, too.  This man has such a good and caring energy, and he makes me feel so safe and important.  I think he's proud of me, and proud to have me.  I think so, anyway.

And then there's his roommate, who I find to often be needlessly contentious and specifically mean to me.  But this man is very important to Noah, and I brought up privately a couple weeks ago that I felt targeted, after feeling frustrated and belittled.  I just felt compelled to say something, but still didn't feel good after revealing it.  Noah responded kindly but I still freaked out internally that I had somehow put a wedge in between them by mentioning that I felt picked on.  Last night he brought it up to me, asking if things were okay and if I felt uncomfortable still...and actually I do now.  I had felt a lot of anger but as these past few days have gone by, I've sorted it out for myself.  Thank goodness, because we're all going on a weekend trip to the lake tomorrow, and I just want to feel at ease (as I'm quite sure Noah does, too).  Drama is boring and exhausting.

And nothing soothes me more than having that man's arms wrapped around me all night.  Truly, it blesses everything else.  I'm so much nicer today than I've felt like being this entire week.  I'm certainly still hormonal, because my boobs are so sore (!!), but there is finally hope.  He really does make me so happy :)

the Journey continues

I'm not happy that I've gained several pounds in the last six months.  At first I wasn't concerned because I expected my injured shoulder to heal and I didn't think I'd have bronchitis for three horrible months.  I'd gotten a little soft around the middle but my clothes still fit.

Now they are uncomfortably tight.  I'm disappointed in myself for slacking on cardiovascular exercise and eating fattening foods.  It's going to have to stop.

But hey, there's some nice things to look forward to, if I can make them happen.  Maybe I can organize a school trip to Costa Rica next summer.  We haven't had an international trip in a couple years, and the kids are obviously missing it.

That being said, I get to be one of the all-expenses-paid chaperones for the senior class trip to Disneyland this May.  I haven't been to Disneyland since I was in junior high, I think.  In any case, I was chosen based on popular vote by the seniors arranging the trip, so I'm beyond flattered about it and I get to cash in on my popularity!

My dear friend Lisa is moving to Texas.  I'm okay with the idea of her moving on to something bigger and better.  I know this is the most important thing she could be doing for herself, and I'm beyond proud of her.  I'm also sad about it, somewhere internally, but because it's not about me at all, I'm afraid I've kind of shut down a little and gotten distant somehow.  We're obviously going to be close forever, but change this big means big changes in relationships.  She's very important to me.  It's hard to be 100% supportive when I'm coping with the thought of losing her company.

Lately, when I've experienced fear about what's actually happening with Noah, my inner monologue has miraculously developed into a dialogue.  It's not just the voice that tells me how horrible and unworthy I am, in fact, that voice far less audible anymore.  Usually now I have that argument between the part of me that is convinced that things have run their course and that I should start bracing for impact and the part of me that is willing to wait and see, the part of me that believes in the kind of person that Noah regularly proves himself to be.  God it's so scary to face my own demons and fear of being abandoned, of being insufficient, of being temporary and expendable.  I'm not the only one with baggage, and I'm sure Noah has his share of fears about repeated experiences from his past, but he truly does not seem to be taking those fears out on me, or projecting his past relationships on me.

It's nice to remember to just enjoy things the way they are.  They're currently very peaceful, fun, and affectionate.  We've got our responsibilities, we've got our social lives, we've got our senses of humor, the things we choose to eat, wear, smoke, say to others, do for others, and accept from others.  I'm getting better at not harboring judgment of other people as a symptom of feeling incredibly inadequate.  I'm getting better at not taking things personally and getting offended by thoughtlessness and offhanded comments (from anyone).  I'm grateful that he sets a really good example of being impervious to others' drama.

Lisa and I were discussing the many languages of Love, and the five major ways people express their love and affection: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.  It's helpful to me to remember that the way I am channeling my Love for Noah is a different combination of these languages than the way he does for me.  I'm very physically affectionate, I use words of affirmation profusely, and I value quality time.  If I can, I also like to do acts of service or give gifts, sometimes in the same gesture.

It's a helpful reminder that Noah demonstrates his love in his own unique combination of ways.  He relies less on words, but is exceptionally generous and physically affectionate.  He performs acts of service and, above all else, loves people with his quality time.  I am very fortunate to be counted among the people he spends his time with.  When I shower him with loving words, he reaffirms that he spends so much time with me because he thinks just as highly of me.  I may not hear it with my ears, but he's definitely saying it.

I do love him.  I'm very blessed to have encountered him on my journey.  This could be that stretch of time in my life that I reflect on where I blissfully recall what a wonderful man I got to date for however long we lasted, or it could be something that persists more long term.  I'm certainly blessed with every experience I've had with every man I've dated, but few none of them can claim to have not sent up any red flags...I mean honestly, I'm grateful for the opportunities for growth but beyond that I can't say that I was handled with care.  Noah is quite caring and careful with me, even if he does purport to value his singledom above the idea of a relationship.  I don't see myself asking him for any clarity in our "status" for the time being; it's nice just exactly where it is, and wherever it might be next week, or next month.  His friends call me his girlfriend, and I haven't heard him correct them.

Fear makes me lose so much sleep, and I do so love sleep.  Fear robs me of my most precious experiences.  I can't let fear rob me of being blissfully in love.