Survival Guide

*CAUTION: Explicit Horn-Tooting in this Post*

As part of my healing campaign, the one where I gradually learn to love myself for my journey and who it has made me, I am reflecting on my strengths.

I am a survivor.

For example, I survived seven years of sexual abuse at the hands of my step father, who never faced any recourse other than my deep loathing and lack of trust for decades to follow.  My brother is also graciously in my corner and fiercely angry on my behalf...but I have overcome the sense of worthlessness that comes from being objectified as a child and adolescent.  My sexuality is no longer a pathological cry for help.  Sex is a beautiful and passionate expression of love, intimacy, and trust, rather than a means of validating my warped self-image.  SURVIVOR.

I have also traveled around the country alone a number of times.  With next to no possessions, money, or amenities.  I washed my hair in rest area sinks.  I slept where I fell, and learned to get by on a few bites of food each day.  I met new people easily and did not allow myself to be taken advantage of.  I found my peace and meditated deeply.

I took this to the next level when I began traveling abroad.  I've gone to several countries by myself, always on the cheap, and with a bare-bones agenda of simply getting there and then getting back out again: a simple recipe for an amazing adventure that unfolds however it pleases.  I am quite capable of traveling and being alone, in any circumstance I may find myself.  I am not afraid.  SURVIVOR.

I know what the inside of my car engine looks like.  My stepdad is a wealth of knowledge and technical ability when it comes to problem-solving and repairs on all manner of machinery, especially cars.  I've participated in many repairs (even though I am always purely a novice), and have helped whenever I am allowed to.  He honors my curiosity by engaging me in the process and no longer condescends my abilities or comprehension.  I have a small but complete set of tools that he gave me for Christmas one year, and a repair manual for my Jeep.  I am obviously not able to repair my own car if I broke down in the desert somewhere, but simple issues do not frighten or elude me.  I will not be swindled by any mechanic.  I will never be "stranded" anywhere.  SURVIVOR.

My own hard path and heavy drug use to escape depression did not kill me, even though suicide was a sincere thought in my mind for a long time.  I made one attempt at my own life, at one of my darkest moments, and at another I had a near-death experience that I lamented as a lost opportunity to simply end it all.  This prompted me to pursue professional psychological support, which dramatically turned my life around.  The many incongruities between my heart and soul, the pain and blockage, have been slowly worked out, smoothed down, soothed away.  It has brought me to this very point, at this very moment writing this diary entry.  I'm sharing my love for life and propping up others who are hurting.  I'm not just surviving, I'm helping save lives.  SURVIVOR.

I am but a drop of the universe.  My energy is all of the energy, in some different form.  I'm not separate, not distinct, not alone.  My equipment and wiring has its limits and is not always trained on acknowledging the connectedness and uniformity of universal love energy, but music connects all of that for me--it helps me to expand when I have become constricted. It reminds me that I am timeless and that everything around me is timeless.  No conflict is so great that the universe will cease, especially not a car issue or relationship drama.  How very liberating to remember that the universe does not make mistakes, that it is right on schedule, and we are precisely where we should be.  That's how I survive.

feeling lucky

I'm really quite blessed.  My family and I are on the best terms we've ever been.  My health has been generally quite good.  I'm eating well and money hasn't been as painfully tight, though it may be too soon to tell.

I've got this wonderful man who treats me perfectly.  Not just me, but everyone!  I see his high standards for himself, and he lives by them deliberately.

I'm compelled to not take him seriously when he makes the occasional disclaimer about always seeing himself as a loner free from a relationship, but I don't want to disregard that he has said these things and tends to speak from the heart.  For the moment, however, I'm smitten and content to keep wrapping myself around him and laughing with him and his friends.  As long as we treat each other right, maybe there could be a future in this.  I like being part of this group of people; they're witty and relaxed and have a variety of interests and talents.  This wonderful man doesn't keep himself so guarded from me as he once did, and we see each other fairly regularly.  I don't actually have the time to see him that frequently, and I shouldn't cave to temptation to ask to see him so much, but I literally crave his company!  I'd venture a guess that he's pretty fond of me, too. :)

more than crumbs

There was a stretch of my history, not so distant, when I did not understand how to love.

I certainly thought I did, and I attempted to use words like, "I love you," and such things to that effect, but I was stuck--blocked somewhere within in some way that prevented me from truly loving.

What I was doing instead was taking.  I had to rely on the affection and gestures of others to "prove" to myself that I was worthy.  That input from my friends, my boyfriend, my family, had to outweigh the deep shame and contempt I held for myself.

In these relationships with others, I was not coming from a place of honesty or authenticity, because when I did that, my horrifying demons would emerge and I would see them and cringe...ultimately I drove myself away.  I fled into the shadows and kept my truths in the dark, where they bled my energy away.  In order to maintain such a façade, I sought others who were similarly hiding their own shadows.  I stayed for five years with someone who kept me more than a stone's throw from his scars, so I only barely knew about what he had been through.

Because I had insisted on that distance from my own wounds, I mingled most comfortably with other wounded, damaged people who could only operate from that pained place and were very limited in what they could give.  So in true co-dependent fashion, we were compensating for one another's shortcomings and felt incredibly taxed, while also requiring that the other prove our "worthiness" of love to us.

I became a "crumb-taker," and would accept the barest minimum in terms of emotional closeness, just so that I could feel desirable, and maintain a status of "taken."  I always wanted more, I desperately yearned for more, but was never honest with myself about the arrangement I had agreed to.

The flip-side of that was that if I was a "crumb-taker," I must also have been a "crumb-giver," which in itself is my most recent revelation.  I could not give myself wholly with love because, in all honesty, I was not whole in Love.  I did not love myself.  I did not see myself as lovable, and as long as I could not see myself with affection, I selfishly made only a false image of myself available for anyone else.

With much effort and struggle, I managed to identify the serious blockages in my spirit--the sources of my crippling self-hatred and agony, and eventually forgive myself for not being perfect.  Luckily, when you practice forgiving by starting with yourself, it becomes a lot easier to forgive others.  You tend to see them as flawed, just like you are.  You have a bit more perspective on the source of their pain, and how it might manifest itself in "symptoms" that hurt you inadvertently.

The beautiful thing about Love is that it compounds itself with little effort.  Once I started loving authentically, the fire grew hotter and brighter and ignited everything around it.  The more you love, the easier it becomes to Love.  The more you forgive, the easier it is to forgive.  The more you smile, the more you dance, the more you embrace, the more you relax, the more you reflect, the more you exercise compassion, the easier they all become.

I truly believe that I am where I am today, this very minute, because every step I've made on this journey up to this point.  I could not have ascended to this point without first being willing to climb.  I would never have discovered the treasures at the top if I hadn't ascended to this point.  It makes sense that the rewards I can give thanks for were hard-earned and I would not have deserved nor appreciated them without the requisite effort.

Love is easy, but it takes work.  It takes focus.  It takes flexibility and patience.  It takes a willingness to learn about yourself and others.  It takes authenticity.  It takes you.

I am no longer a crumb-taker, and I have redefined my position--I attempt to limit my expectations.  Today is enough, because today is the present, and the present is a gift.  And there is love in every moment of it, and it is exactly enough.

moonlight

He is my Moon

Cool and shining, his face is

Broad and beautiful, and sometimes 

Hidden from sight.

He draws the waves up

And provides clear light

His story is long

And misunderstood.

***

When I declare to the world (or even to my tight-lipped Diary) that I am in love, that I am swooning and completely caught up and deliriously happy and grateful for my circumstances, too often I have promptly been swatted down--punished for my abandon.

Usually when I tell my mom, strangely enough.

I've mentioned Noah to my mom a number of times; at some point back in October, I think, again in December, and then most recently a few weeks ago.  Of course, I'm always so excited to describe his fine qualities.  Unlike the trend, however, each time I've simply had more wonderful things to say.

This man is a good man.  He's got his own style, his own philosophy, and his own set of personal values.  He knows what he's got going for him and he's content.  I see how he treats people--as if he was raised properly by parents who encouraged respect and kindness to everyone--and I'm just enamored.  He is completely genuine.

My goal these past couple months has been to slow my own pace (which can be reckless and impulsive) down to allow time for flowers to grow, for flavors to marinate, for the kaleidoscope to shift gradually into a new and beautiful scene.  I've made myself stop needing a definition for my time with Noah.  I've enjoyed having a crush that I fantasize about all week until I get to see him on the weekend.  And I've seen him every weekend!

I've spent three days with him, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  We've shared some closer stories about our pasts, I told him more details about my dad, he mentioned some aspects of past relationships.  We were sitting by the fire on Saturday night, drinking, and I clambered into his lap, facing him.  The precise details of our conversation by this point are fuzzy, but he did tell me that he was very much opposed to the idea of having a relationship...until recently, when things have started to shift for him.  And he told me I probably knew that was happening.  Maybe I do.  This whole situation could be us test-driving a scenario where we are major players in one another's lives.  We're becoming good friends, and I really like that.  I like who this person is, and I believe in him and his goals.  I know that's mutual.

My personal expression is so word-based sometimes, that in the past I've forgotten that other people might not follow my example exactly, even if they are equally enthusiastic.  Noah does things.  He is a man of action.  Certainly, he is confident and wise enough to actually spare a compliment now and again, but more often he is generous, gracious, and attentive as an expression of his deep admiration and caring.  I asked him last night if I was reading his actions correctly, and he confirmed it.  He's loving me very deliberately with every cup of coffee he makes for me before he makes one for himself.  He's bearing his heart every time he brags about the game of darts I "destroyed" him at.  He's showing how important I am and how much he trusts me by incorporating me into his weekend activities and errands and gatherings.

And when I sleep over, he has his arms wrapped around me literally all night.  I spend all week in my own bed alone and I'm practically aching to have those arms around me...even with the snoring and the 20-minute increments of sleep!

I adore him.

And for Valentine's Day, I will cook him dinner (for the first time!) and we'll take a cab to a bar that has batting cages.  I'm so excited!  Batting cages!!

So yeah, maybe this wonderful man will be my wonderful man at some point.  I'd be so honored to be his lady.