the straightaway...

We're back in Santa Fe, and I've been anxiously counting down the days in my head until I'm on a bus back to Phoenix, but today I feel okay.

Mainly, I've just seen myself become disconnected. Disengaged. I stopped seeing the beautiful things around me, it all began to blur together and things really get blurry when you're always pissed off about one thing or another. I've been really seeping loads of bad energy out, and not letting myself become re-energized by the forest and the wind and the peaceful love of the land.

In a nutshell, I'm premenstrual. But I've been feeling cross for much longer than that, I've been tired and fed up and cranky for weeks; unfortunately a large portion of the 63 days I've spent out doing this work. That makes me sad that I've compromised my potentially stellar recommendation just so I could be pouty and immature and gripe to myself about how hard and unfair it all is.

Also, I've felt as though I keep losing my grasp on things. For example, I'll tell myself I just can't take it anymore, or I'll start pummeling myself about being slow or fat or not good enough in some other fashion, or I'll have convinced myself that Richard hates my guts because I'm not the fantastic field assistant I made myself out to be and that I, in fact, am annoying and too inquisitive and expect too much and contribute so little. I can't appreciate myself or him, and depending on the time of day or how long it's been since a real bed and a shower, I'm either bashing him or myself as part of my deeply critical inner-monologue. How is that fair?

Today I've gone over my dunes of craziness and back down onto saner, more level ground. I've been praying very hard about it, and I really want to again be the positive influence on this work that I used to be so many weeks ago. I've made a lot of effort to stop frowning or swearing when the going gets tough (because YIKES! the hiking is quite usually EXTREMELY DIFFICULT!), when I'm pouring sweat because it is both hot and humid as hell, or when I fall and hurt myself (which I seem to do 50 times more often than Richard, so it is both frustrating and humiliating to bash my bones and softer parts when we usually do not have any flowers to speak of).

Am I really not cut out for this because I am a big crazy mess? Because everything I say to myself sounds so much like what my mom used to say to me growing up? Why can't I hack it? I was feeling so confident, so svelte, so cheerful, but that went away really quickly, and I sit and stew over the littlest things! I FUCKING WENT TO THERAPY TO STOP DOING THIS!

And here I am, at odds with my own bad attitude, not wanting to make life difficult, but not being able to shake the feelings of injustice that so often overcome me.

I don't have any doubts that the last eight days of this journey are going to be easy enough. We've had loads of interesting experiences, and for the most part, I've been motivated to move forward. But my heart hasn't been in it for a big chunk of the time, and I feel bad about that. I regret not doing it differently, but when I'm right in the moment, I don't have a clue how I could've just magically dosed myself with an attitude adjustment.

Either way, I know I'm responsible for my own behavior. I don't want to be a bad field assistant, that someone looks back on and regrets hiring me, because God knows I've been there and it scarred me deeply. I know I brought a load of emotional baggage on this trip and I guess there wasn't much I could do about it.

I talked to my mom last night and, of course, I feel worse for it. She definitely echoes all those nasty things I say about myself to myself when I'm feeling really low. I know I'm unusually hormonal, but dare I suggest that I'm on the cusp of depression once more? I really hate that land, it's dark and so lonely, and I don't care whether I die by lightning or volcano or atom bomb, just so long as it happens quickly.

In eight days, of course, things will be picking up speed in a different direction. I'll be headed home and trying to shuffle everything around for my friends' wedding and being in Tucson again and so on. But when I get back to Phoenix, the place of many former woes, how will I get back on my feet? Sure, I'll make it happen, probably, most likely.. But when can I be happy? It can't possibly be about me allowing myself to be happy, because I frickin' feel like I've tried that, and it's so short-lived.

Anyway, I'm going out of my way to be very nice and upbeat for my colleague here. He's losing his assistant and it's going to significantly impair his research methods, in the off-chance my contribution has been helpful or appreciated, and he has spent a great deal of money having me along, so I'm trying to be light-hearted and enthusiastic once more.

A big rock fell on me and I can't seem to get out from under it.

Dangerously premenstrual.

chillin' in a hot tub

I'm in Truth or Consequences, NM.

To be frank, I've been cooling my heels in the hot springs at the Riverbend Hot Springs hostel, off on the east side of this little town. I've been here since Monday afternoon, since Richard dropped me off. He went off to Denver to deal with the rental car insurance (entirely HIS mistake) and put me up here because I absolutely refused to go to with him on that 13-hour drive one way. It's just not part of my volunteer job description. I could go up and down about why I feel justified in standing my ground, but let's just say I still felt a little guilty that he had to make that long trip himself.

But I read an entire mystery novel ("Orchid Beach" by Stuart Woods) that I found in the common area of the women's dorm, I've sat in the hot springs every evening (it's too hot during the day to sit in 107-degree water), and I've had PRIVACY!!

Everybody here, like at most of the hostels I've stayed at on this trek, is awesome. Nobody is too uptight for a relaxed conversation about whatever pleases them, and if they are, then there's always somebody else who's up for talking. There's AC in the dorm room, I only have one roommate who really prefers to keep to herself, and I've got all the time to myself I want. Glorious.

I even saw bats last night! That's always nice.

Two weeks from today I'll be on a bus on my way HOME HOME HOME HOME!!!

forgot to mention!

It was really nice to be in the San Juan National Forest all week, but I completely forgot to mention the excitement of the Dolores River Festival!!

So, we got there around 1:30pm, and all these outdoorsy-looking people are parking around this cute little park and walking over to the entrance. There was a band called Formula 151 playing, but they were almost done, and there was already a little hippie circle of ladies dancing in a very far-out way...

The park green was lined with little booths and there were a ton of people with blankets and chairs and stuff down in the center facing the two stages. Richard took off to get food and I meandered around the booths, and then bought a margarita at the brewery stand and sat down for the music. It was gone too quickly, and so when I went for a refill I found out I could get an extra shot for another buck! So, my second margarita was much nicer and stronger, and then I got hungry and went to stand in line at the gyro stand, and found Richard still waiting (but much closer to the front)!! So I joined him and we bought some delicious Greek food (even vegetarian for me!) and sat down to listen to the next group. Then he went to move the car near the campgrounds on the park and set up his tent, and I got my third margarita + extra shot. I sat out on the grass amid hundreds of strangers, and found myself just plain drunk!

I figured I'd go get another veggie gyro and stood in line again (because this time I was drunk so I didn't mind waiting!) and struck up a conversation (surprised?) with this totally awesome lady and happily killed time until we made it to the front. While we were in line, a band came on called "Bigga Digga" and they were toted this great funk band of Denver or something, so obviously we were going to have to dance. Then I sat down with my food and my booze at the front of the crowd and this band launched into the second song of their set.

It just wasn't possible not to get up and start dancing, this music was funk-ay, and so halfway through my food I stood up and just let myself go, barefoot and buzzin', and gradually some other ladies came up and joined me. They didn't stay the whole time, though, and every song was so good, too good to sit back down. I just stayed there and danced, practically by myself, until the wave of other girls would come again (two other pre-teens were there and seemed emboldened by my unwavering presence, so they helped me hold up the fort, so to speak). By their last two songs, there was a solid group of people dancing, though I think there should have been more.

The bassist came up and thanked me for jamming out afterwards, and he was really cool, so we had ourselves a nice little conversation. He invited me to come party with them after the festival, and I considered it. Then the next band came on (the headliners), called Euforquestra, and they SHOOK THE HOUSE. Except it was outdoors at a park. These guys had some Brazilian, Cuban, Nigerian, Reggae, and Funk goin' on. STELLAR. Unbelievable energy and comprised entirely of hotties!

They started their first song and I didn't waste two seconds before I was on my feet dancing, and THIS time people joined me pretty quickly. I love it when everybody's dancing, and I was grinning (and drunk) and happy and dancing, and then some photographer snapping all sorts of shots of the band started taking pictures of ME. He came up and had me write my name in some notebook and asked me where I was from. Hey! I guess I wasn't making a complete fool out of myself up there :)

So there had to be at least 100 people dancing, and this band was so good, it was hard not to. Even Richard got up and started dancing after a while (I don't know how he could ever resist). Eventually, though, I got pretty dehydrated and started hitting up the drinking fountain over and over, and then I got a raging headache (probably from drinking, dehydration, screaming and yelling for the bands, and being smack in front of a speaker the whole time) and drifted over to buy a CD and t-shirt to show my support.

After the show, and two amazing encores (a Talking Heads cover and some P-Funk mixed cover), I was damn-near onto a migraine, and had to go set up my tent in the nearby campground. It was getting dark and I could barely see, let alone think through this tent set-up crap, but eventually, and finally, my tent was up and my Advil was kicking in. I just wanted to show up at the brewery briefly to reaffirm my support for Bigga Digga, since they were so good and the bassist was so enthusiastic about hanging out with me there. Soon enough, I dragged myself over and bought some OJ on the way, and Richard and I arrived at the brewery to see the party continuing. The bassist guy came right up to me and gave me a copy of their new album, and then a beer! We stuck around and chatted with the members of the band while they drank and partied happily. I got so many thanks and hugs for being the "friendly face" in the crowd that vigorously grooved out, and that was nice.

Anyway, so the next morning, after nursing that headache until crashing hard in my tent, I went wandering over to the bathrooms at the park, and passed by a couple who were making coffee and breakfast in the grass. They said they recognized me from yesterday, the girl who was dancing, and I laughed and concurred. On my way back past them, we struck up a conversation and I ended up sitting down with them and having coffee and cantaloupe! They live in Durango and love it. It was totally like Livestock or something, having next-day pow-wows with strangers who shared my vibes. They took off later on and went rafting, and I packed up and was dropped off at the Forest Service bunkhouse. So now you're all caught up. I have two new CDs, a new t-shirt, even more confidence, and a nice tan from spending all day dancing in the sunlight!

_____________________________________________________

Today, we're in Aztec, NM, which is somewhere in the Four Corners area. We did a point yesterday outside Durango (which is a great little town after all), then stayed at a gorgeous campsite that Richard didn't want to pay the fee for. I knew we'd get in trouble for it, too, because it's Friday night and it was totally packed. Sure enough, some guy came around and wrote down our license plate number, and when I told Richard he scrambled to pay the fee. So ha. Dishonesty doesn't fly with me. I have no respect for it.

Then today we drove back into New Mexico, and I said goodbye to Colorado for the rest of the summer. It sure was pretty there, and chilly! Now we're in dumpy old northwestern New Mexico, and today we did two points (one was on someone's private property and Richard just shrugged when I told him!! Lame!) where every time I stopped walking, a swarm of cedar gnats would bombard my head. They whine in your ears and bite your forehead, ears and scalp! And there are thousands of them, so don't slow down! It was miserable, especially because I had hundreds of flowers and four different species, so I had to count diligently. Of course, I'll admit, it was lovely to be surrounded by all these bright red, pink, and purple flowers, just not the gnats! The second point didn't have any flowers at all, the ground was so parched, just a million sage and all those friggin' gnats! I have no idea if any hummingbirds even came to the feeders (I'm assuming none did) because I pulled my shirt over my face for the 30 minutes we had to sit there for the observations. HORRIBLE.

Tomorrow I'm taking the day off. It is Father's Day, which is significant for me because 6 years ago it was the last day I saw my father alive. I plan to call my step dad and Toby's dad and my brother and my friend Andy. I also plan to sit next to the pool they have here, even though the pool is closed, and I will expose my crazy pale legs to the daylight. Also, possibly, there will be a walk across the street to the Vanilla Moose for some ice cream.

I haven't had a day off since Sunday, and I have worked HARD this week, so this will be a good day of retrospection and healing, as well as re-combobulating my attitude (which has been very discombobulated as of late). I will also be sleeping in, because I earned it. Last night I slept in the front seat of the Aveo, and I paid dearly for it with my back aching like crazy today.

So, if I have time, I might slap a few of my photographs in here, to make up for half a dozen long entries with no visuals besides my impeccable descriptions of things. I'm sure you're ready to see some pictures, even if you did manage to check out my photobucket album.

That's all until tomorrow!

feeling confident and savvy

I'm with the Forest Service this week, and I have to say I really enjoy the work, and I feel totally at peace with and capable of what the job requires. Everyone here is totally geared toward protecting the forest habitat (because it's on the federal level, state protects wildlife specifically) and it's nice to see what they all do to collaborate in the name of conservation.

Sunday night I arrived and got settled in at the bunkhouse (where all the seasonal employees live) in my very own room in an awesome new, warm, comfy bed. Everybody else is two to a room, so I can't believe my good fortune! Everybody has been really nice and welcoming so far, except one guy, who was really cool on Sunday night and we ended up having a lot of things to talk about, until he started kind of putting the moves on me. I wasn't receptive or non-receptive; I'm just not interested in anything like that, but it did come as a great compliment! Well, the next morning and ever since, he's been a complete jerk to me, so whatever. He's got all his own crazy-person problems.

Monday morning we all had to go to an employee meeting, where everybody went around and gave an update of their most recent successes and projects, which was really cool. We all had to introduce ourselves, too, because there are so many new seasonal employees, and then I got a second introduction from the Wildlife Department head, who mentioned the work "I'm" doing with hummingbirds and how that related to a new project they're starting with hummers. It was cool to get a little spotlight in the midst of so many awesome, hard-working people. Then I went out with the wildlife crew and did some transects in the Canyons of the Ancients at Riley Mesa looking for the rare Long-nosed Leopard Lizard, which we didn't find. We did see three Collard Lizards, a Desert Spiny Lizard, and a buttload of Whiptail and common lizards (I saw the spiny and a collard myself!), and then we marked the four big lizards with GPS, since they're probably all territorial and wouldn't have leopard lizards nearby.

Monday night we went camping with a wildlife biologist working on a marsh protection project. The girls split off from the guys, and we camped in separate parts of the forest (so we could each do some waterfowl surveys at separate marshes the next morning). Boy was it nice to sit in a car with TWO FEMALES for a change! One was the wildlife biologist and one was a seasonal employee, and they were both so nice and interesting. I like women.

Anyway, the next morning, I woke us all up at 5:15am, and we drove out to this glorious marsh with the golden sunrise glittering on the surface of the water. There were a ton of ducks, coots, and grebes out there, and we set up a scope on the back of the pickup and attempted to identify the different species, count males and females, and especially look for ducklings as a sign of nest success. We saw three clutches (one mother had 11 ducklings following here in the water!!), and mallards, which are an indicator species for decent nesting areas in a forest where browsing livestock destroy EVERYTHING. The wildlife biologist has a plan in place to have a huge fence built around this area to keep those pesky cows out and maintain suitable nesting habitat for all these migratory waterfowl. Since there are a bunch of domestic laws protecting migrating birds and their habitats, this is a big deal, and getting its protection approved is a huge accomplishment for her career, so it was really cool to be involved in that!

Then we were driving down the road to meet the guys for a goshawk nest survey, and a hawk flew in front of our truck, so we hopped out and found a NEST with two Cooper's Hawks, right off the side of the road. We couldn't tell if there were chicks in there, but we did see the signs of feeding and plucking (a bunch of feathers stuck to a big dead bull snake draped on a branch right below the next), so it was cool to catch an active nest site. COOL. I keep using that word, but it fits the moment and I'm tired so whatever.

So then we met the guys and our wildlife biologist went off on another project she had to do. We went to this area and looked for a goshawk nest in an established territory (but with six-year-old information and directions), but we couldn't find it. We walked and walked, and used this goshawk call on an mp3 player that blasted it across the forest, but we got no response from any hawks. Then we came back to the truck, and spotted a Sharp-shinned Hawk, a smaller, equally territorial raptor that would probably indicate that there aren't any Goshawks nearby. Oh well.

I had a lot of time to kill back at the bunkhouse, but mostly I sat around and watched TV (I know! I hate TV usually, but it was literally the only thing to do besides go hiking again and my feet and legs are usually pretty tired after work).

Yesterday I went with another guy to help a lady from the Colorado Division of Wildlife (so, they're state folks so they work directly with animals) who is doing a Gunnison's Prairie Dog monitoring project in order to determine their potential need for an increased conservation status (from Priority 2 to Endangered) because of rarity and loss of habitat. So yesterday was the most fun I've had in ages because we set all these little metal traps around this prairie dog "town" with handfuls of bait (horse oats and sweet feed), then we sat far away and waited for them to come out of their holes. We were so far we needed binoculars to even spot the little blue flags waving above the traps, but we could see the little guys investigating these curious things. We caught four juveniles, so they were pretty small, and we couldn't draw blood samples from them. I did the anesthesia, so I had a tube with some isoflorane-soaked cottonballs at the bottom that I held over the nose of the dog while I held its scruff tightly in case it kicked or tried to bite or whatever. I was also watching the little sleepy eyes and breathing to make sure I didn't kill it or put it in a coma or something devastating, so I'd give some fresh air periodically. The other guys put flea powder on the dogs and picked off fleas as they surfaced, took tiny tissue samples from their ears with a punch, and collected data on each animal. It was a great team effort and I learned SO MUCH. Plus, baby prairie dogs are so friggin' cute! Then we released them back out, and they scurried into holes and cursed noisily from the safety of their dens. Adorable.

On our way back to the Public Lands Office, the other guy and I did some radio telemetry on the one bat the wildlife biologist from the waterfowl thing had caught a couple weeks ago. We found the bat roosting in a tree on the bank of the Dolores River, and his collar was putting out a strong signal. So now I've managed to mesh my radio telemetry experience with my bat experience, if ever briefly. That feels pretty good.

Then, that other guy and his roommate drove me down into town so I could buy a few groceries (because there's a freakin' refrigerator at the bunkhouse! why shouldn't I take advantage of that??), including a tube of cookie dough...I'm thinking I'll bake cookies tonight. :) I walked the mile and a half back and looked for the chorus frogs singing in the river by the side of the road, but they kept shutting up as soon as I got close, so no luck.

So then today we went out in the morning with a plant biologist who has a vested interest in a rare plant called Triteleia grandiflora, and she showed us where the local (and probably only) population of these flowers was. We walked around and took pictures and noted what kinds of distribution the flowers had, in hopes of coming across more on our individual projects. For me, I think it's great because I can keep an eye peeled during our vegetation surveys when I get back to working with Richard.

After that, a group of us went to look for some Goshawk nests in established territories (they tend to return year after year to the same 500 or so square meters). We found two nests right where we thought they'd be, and they looked like fresh construction, but there were no obvious signs of activity, like feathers or bird poop or animal bones anywhere nearby, and we didn't get any response to our blasting mp3 calls.

So, now I'm sitting in a very quiet cubicle in the Forest Service office, prevented from accessing MySpace, and searching out some potential job opportunities for the very near future.

It has been really, extremely nice to have a change of pace and a change of faces.

Also, I updated my CV and I feel pretty good about the contents. I think my confidence is back where it should be for me to land a sweet gig really soon. HOPE HOPE HOPE.

in here, it's cold but cozy

I'm in a giant rec room of an RV park, where five people are happily playing a noisy game of small bids poker ($.05, $.10, and $.25), and it smells strongly of pine lumber and leather couches. I had a moment's scare that the free wi-fi internet would not work on my computer, but one of those five people happens to be a former programmer and works at the front desk of this park, so she reconfigured my setup and now it works.

I'm afraid, however, that my 'net won't work at the next place because I changed around all my network connections and stuff. I don't know enough about this mumbo-jumbo to stay on top of it myself. Also, I refuse to believe that my computer is obsolete, despite its steep age of five years. It works fine, even though the hard drive space is small (which is why I now own an external hard drive), and I know enough about it to suit my daily/weekly computational needs. Which are very few lately.

I wrote up some blog posts while I was unable to post (i.e. in a car parked next to a camp ground), but I think I may have been spewing a lot of negativity and I don't want to publish anything like that.

So, I'll start from where we left off, which was...um...two weeks ago or something. Maybe I can sum it up pretty well, I'm kind of crapping out on putting photos in my blogs, but I put up the picture link and if you can't click my photobucket it's not my fault :)

We left Glenwood Springs and started driving north. We stayed up in Irish Canyon (north of Dinosaur Nat'l Monument) for two nights, and I was dead tired from two hours of sleep and even more hiking. We did a point on the way up there and I was feeling my mood growing fouler and surlier. After two cold, unpleasant nights just outside the campground (which was full on a holiday weekend, go FIGURE), we drove south and west to do some more work and stay at a campground at the bottom of Echo Canyon in the Dinosaur Nat'l Monument park area. I was so fed up with my present company that I went over to the little roofed area where you drop your camp fees (with maps and info), found some dude reading the signs and struck up a conversation with him for an HOUR! He was really cool, an under sheriff from Holyoke, CO, who gave me his card so I could email him an update on how my "situation" was working out! His family was going all over with their foreign-exchange student before she headed home. That was a lucky encounter.

The drive down into the canyon took so friggin' long that we decided to just stay there one night. I didn't want to deal with my tent (which is big and cumbersome and unfortunately takes a long time to set up and take down) so I just slept in the car. We went off and did some more work (I forget where anything is anymore; it all just blends together, seeing as how we've done nearly 50 points this summer) and then went into a town called Rangely and set up camp at another RV park/campground. This 11-year-old boy helped me set up my tent (he was the grandson of the camp hosts) and he was just the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I was telling him how my tent was a pain and it was a little embarrassing that I didn't have the money to replace it with better, fancier gear, and he said, "Sometimes you just do what you can," and it totally struck me! This 11-year-old kid had so much compassion in just a few words, it really made me feel better about having the gear that I have. What a darling.

So we stayed there a couple nights, during which time some giant bird crapped a huge bucketload of bird doo on my tent (thankfully, it's flaking off), we did some more work south of Rangely, and I got checked out by a dozen or so mirrored-sunglass-wearing-pickup-driving dudes as I walked down the street back from a convenience store. It was a nice, greatly appreciated, boost of confidence.

From Rangely we drove through Grand Junction and stayed at a campground just near the Colorado River. These were nice grounds, but pricey, and they had showers that cost a buck for four minutes. This was Thursday and Friday. By the second night, a ton of people showed up and camped all around us (noisy, fires, explosions, rednecks...you get the picture?). Even my earplugs didn't drown out the noise.

Saturday we packed up and headed to Grand Junction, and did another point on the way. Then we were "on vacation" or whatever, and stayed at an historic hotel (the Melrose Hotel), but all I wanted to do was watch the "Lost" season finale, and I couldn't find any damn wireless internet anywhere in town that was FREE! I drove all over the place, bought a stupid coffee, drove to a bookstore, all with no luck. My colleague was off doing whatever (drinking and walking around downtown) while I was having privacy. He stayed out really late. The next morning, it was discovered that there was actually internet in our room! But we had to do all these stupid errands before I could watch my show (wash our dirty-ass car, do our dirty-ass laundry, buy stupid gear and equipment)...all I could think of was TWO-HOUR FINALE!!

Anyway, Lost was awesome. I still haven't been able to hash it out with anybody who gets it or cares and has seen it. GAH!

From Grand Junction we drove down to Dolores where we met with some folks at the Forest Service/Bureau of Land Management office to whom I'm being loaned out for a week. I was all eager and excited to help and do stuff with them when there was a possibility I'd be PAID for it (even a little bit) and that I'd get to work with bats and radio telemetry. Then, no money was put on the table, I'm going to be working with them four days at 10 hours a day, they aren't covering any sort of food allowance, and there isn't going to be any bat work because it's unseasonably cool for June! AND, my cheapskate colleague told me he wouldn't fund my food for those days because I was "off," and this led to a whole argument about how he expected me to fund all my meals when we are "off" but never fucking clarified that before I took this position. So, even though I'm going to be donating my time all summer for this guy and with the FS/BLM for free, and my help is being exchanged for information, resources and other connections, I'm getting shafted on both sides and going broke. BULLSHIT! It's really stupid and humiliating to have to ask for money from someone for whom I'm working SO hard for, especially when it seems like he's changing the rules of the game halfway in.

Anyway, he agreed to throw down a little for each day I'm working with the FS/BLM, and so hopefully that crap is resolved.

Then we went to stay in the Uncomprenghe (sp?) National Forest in the area of Naturita/Nucla, and camped off the side of the road just inside the Forest barrier. After several sites (most of which were cold, rainy and muddy), on our third night (last night), a truck drove up and some guy told us we were on his private property!! I was totally embarrassed, but the guy was really gracious and said he didn't mind that we were just going to stay one more night. I want to punch Richard in the arm, this was HIS mistake because he's Mr. Map and is constantly analyzing the road and forest maps...so then every truck and car that passed us afterward made me feel so awkward and unwelcome. Plus, it was all rainy and cold and muddy, we didn't have any chairs or a table (because this wasn't a real campsite), and I had to squat over a camp stove and cook our dinner in the rain. Boo.

This morning, we woke up to warmth and sunshine, even though I found a TICK on my clean clothes ready to be worn (gag!), and packed up camp. We did a site somewhere near Dove Creek on a mesa, and then came back to Dolores and set up camp here at this RV park. I don't think I'm going to cook dinner tonight, since I'm tired and cold and sick of cooking and busting my ass.

But, I did take a shower and my hair is clean for the first time since Monday morning. It's nice to have it down, too.

This is hardly me talking about all the cool nature stuff, like millions of showy daisies and penstemon and larkspurs and sage brush and juniper and ponderosa pines and aspens I see every day, or the horned lizard I caught today who sat on my shoulder for ten minutes at least (and then even climbed in my hair to pose for some photos!), or the loads of beautiful piles of clouds or snow-covered Rocky Mountains or technicolor-striped plateaus or the plentiful cheerfully-flowing rivers and creeks. It's simply beautiful out here. I don't know why, but my heart just hasn't been in it lately. I love hiking, but I'm not motivated to hike in the mud or up steep, slippery slopes, or make conversation with someone who is perpetually bent over worry, anxiety and concern, and therefore is incapable of conversation beyond a few terse sentences.

I should mention, though, that this is a process, a social experiment of sorts, and we are developing a nice flow. But I often feel as though I am starting from scratch every day, or sometimes from moment to moment, because he cannot remain warm and friendly and I am weary of the constant effort.

Anyway, life is decent and tomorrow we actually are "off" and we are going to the Dolores River Festival tomorrow, a family-oriented event with music and beer. We will camp there tomorrow night, and on Sunday I am officially the loner volunteer for a week, so I am staying in a bunkhouse bed and eating who knows what. Our camp is set up right next to the Dolores River, and it's beautiful listening to the sound of the rushing river as you fall asleep.

And I suppose that's all I've got to say.