facing East

So it's as up and down as ever, but I suppose I just need to batten my hatches and stop making every little issue into such a very large obstacle to overcome. It hardly appears to me that I am in the midst of a great opportunity, but I am actually trying harder than I was during my first week back here in town to appreciate the flexibility of my present situation.

That being said, I am hunting around for entry-level jobs, more or less. Just now, actually, I filled out an application for manager at a popular salon/cosmetics store. I'm completely qualified and I believe I could hack it. But yesterday I picked up an application for a popular coffee chain, where the people working there were incredibly friendly and fun. I'm also applying with a nearby school district as a guest teacher, which could very well be the most solid opportunity for work I can find. I've been determined but perhaps not entirely diligent in the job quest.

I also found a very promising opportunity to teach English in Korea for a year. I can go at any time as long as I can commit to the full 12-month contract, so I wouldn't really want to leave until January (because two of my very best friends will be wed in December). This leaves me with five months to try and figure out some sort of income, but I want to do it, and I think I really will. It's such an excellent chance to travel the world, most notably to Japan and around east Asia.

Since I am still employed on a very partial basis as a caretaker in Tucson, and so occasionally I may take hours and drive down there to work and also see my friends, my dog, and the man I love. Quite a clear motive? And at the moment, next weekend and the 22 hours I managed to find are the only guaranteed income I have.

And that's that. I'm just trucking along.

a question of timing

I wonder when, realistically, I'll finally feel accomplished and proud of my achievements thusfar with my education and in my field. Or just period; I'm a workaholic but still don't seem to recognize my hard efforts.

Anyway, I don't want to sit around and self-diagnose, but I also don't want to sit around at all. It just seems like I'm letting it all get to me, like I've closed myself off from the world of hopes and aspirations, as though I've simply stopped seeing the light and possibilities of life. Sleeping a lot, or just ongoing lethargy and fatigue, eventually sends up flares as early signs of depression, which I simply do not need in my life ever again....but I am in Phoenix, the Land of Many Woes, a place which, in its original and memorable form, harbors years of embedded sorrows and aimlessness. Now, as the concrete literally takes on new shapes before my eyes, my sense of direction and dedication is askew; I simply do not know where to go.

Obviously, the slightest bit of effort on my part goes a very long way. I have not invested it. I have only but to walk into an establishment and tell them of even a few of my many credentials, and then step back and have them offer me their very best available position. This isn't something I consider regularly. I must know, deep down, that all I have to do is try, but the inner battle began before I even arrived here, and the victory of trying has been lost among the turmoil and figurative slain and maimed warriors clashing within.

But, here I am taking advantage of Internet at my friends' house, and this is precisely where I came to begin to attempt to think about actually trying. I think I just might.

on the move again

I've only been in Tucson for about five days, and now it's time for me to leave here, too. I hope I don't have some transient complex now. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon, by telephone, and I've been trying to read up on a little literature about the program to which I'm applying.

Going back to Phoenix today is already quite a strange concept. When I get there, I'll be investigating job opportunities, however temporary, while also trying to get a foothold in a relatively new environment. I'm making it more than it should be, but anxiety is my food for thought lately. I wish it weren't so.

Toby has been incredible, by the way. Save for an incredibly BIZARRE drunken freak out after we came home from our friends' wedding, over which he has beaten himself up far worse than I could ever (so I forgave him for going crazy), this weekend has been really good. It actually doesn't feel so sad that I'm going away from him again, because I have sorted a lot out this summer, and even since I've come back. It's difficult, but possible, to remind myself over and over again that the roller coaster of emotions is operating in my head. Certainly, he is operating his very own coaster, or perhaps some other theme park attraction, but when I step outside of my head for a moment (which I have managed to do on several separate occasions) I can put it in perspective and center myself in the moment as opposed to in the drama.

But back to Toby: he has already started fueling his business ideas and expanding these thoughts into the spaces around him. He has friends whose connections are valuable networking resources, and he has confidently pursued and utilized these opportunities already! He has taken some time to decorate the apartment to his own tastes, which are wonderful, and the place has an entirely different and very personalized ambiance. He keeps the place clean (or at the very least he cleaned up for my arrival), he takes wonderful care of Yoshi, and has shown obvious tender loving care to the struggling backyard plants in the summer heat. He has been very supportive of me and my ideas, and if my perception is correct, has taken some inspiration from my passion and convictions about sustainability and conservation. That pleases me thoroughly!

Not to mention, he seems to be taking care of himself for a change. Not just catering to himself, the way so many guys do, but working to better himself, to become healthier and fit, and to live according to his values. I'm deeply proud of him, and I have gained a great deal of respect for him. Then, of course, there's always the reunion with someone you have loved for so many years, especially after having gained some objectivity spending several months with someone quite different from Toby and quite inferior to him.

So I'm leaving town again, and that's going to be a trip all by itself.

in a homey way

I'm in Tucson, sitting next to my dog in a room I called "home" only three months ago. So far, my reunion with this place and this energy has been truly replenishing. I was welcomed most warmly by Yoshi and Toby, and then met several girlfriends for a bachelorette party (dinner and cocktails) where I caught up with some great ladies I haven't seen in years.

This apartment is beautiful, too. Everything here is clean, with successful bachelor written all over it, and Toby has taken great lengths to incorporate his Japanese artwork with modern elements like clean lines and right angles. His color scheme fits the space and his personality so well, and it's very attractive together. I'm so proud of him, and I even get to continue it by hanging some more pieces!

I went out in my former backyard/garden, and although many things expired due to the season, it is still a lovely garden and those "evergreen" plants that can withstand the summer heat and dry/wet/dry-ness are doing splendidly. In just under three months, the vines have gone crazy and expanded in every direction. All the Texas rangers are tall and happy, and my little prickly pear cactus are so much bigger! The yard was clearly watered lovingly and regularly this summer. It's fantastic here.

My pup seems to have disconnected from me significantly, which I cannot be surprised by, just slightly disappointed. He slept with me last night, and I finally got to fall asleep petting my dog, so I slept better than I have in months. It's just really nice to be in a place that feels like home.

In other FANTASTIC news, nearly a month ago I applied for a position doing an annual census of the northerly-migrating Monarch butterflies in Cape May, NJ. It looked perfect and amazing and I totally thought I'd be perfect for it...it's even PAID and we all know I'm dying to have a bit of income, especially doing something in my field. I was so pumped up about this application I sent in that I couldn't wait to check my email at every possible opportunity, but I never got any response. The application cutoff is August 1, so I thought perhaps I wouldn't hear until afterwards.

But today I got an email response requesting an interview on the 15th! So there we go, I've only been back two days, and things are starting to come up Millhouse. Finally!

shortly

I'm heading over to the Greyhound station in three and a half hours. My counterpart was quite nice today but then he got really smarmy with me about something I didn't do and was never asked to do, so of course I'm probably done talking to him. Certainly I'll continue my usual dose of light-hearted comments about whatever, but I'm finished making conversation. He doesn't deserve it. Let him wallow in his solitude for the next three weeks. I don't care.

Besides that, I'm packed. I crammed everything I could think of into all my bags and tied all those together. It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would, so that's pretty nice. I can't wait to be back on this bus, complete with even less personal space than I've usually had this summer, sharing an inch-wide arm rest with a hairy, perspiring obese man, or better yet: any kind of drowsy, gravity-battling old lady with halitosis. But all the while, they remain complete strangers, they do not follow me or demand anything from me, except perhaps a little fresh air and a few extra inches of seat space, and after only a couple hours, they are gone to where memories and weary travelers fade.

This feeling is indescribable. I do not want to make it so clear with my body language and expression that I have wanted nothing more than to leave for several weeks.

I'm so desperately excited and worried and overwhelmed that everything is going to take another dramatic shift. AHH!

can't sleep

I'm awake, at midnight, at the Riverbend Hot Springs Hostel once more. I've had a great deal of anxiety and insomnia lately, not to mention I'm just plain excited to go home. Things have looked up this past 24 hours, because I've been trying to look up I suppose.

It occurred to me how incredibly drained I feel, sapped of any energy, because I have not been able to replenish it myself, and I'm never around people who help me recharge. So when we work, even just for a few hours, I am exhausted, out of breath, sore and achy, and sometimes even spacey and disconnected. I have less than 72 hours before I find myself on that bus back to Phoenix. This is encouraging.

Also, it has been quite literally life-support to be able to stay in touch with those people back home whom I love so dearly. I most certainly would've gone totally bonkers long before the end of this if not for some understanding words and compassionate listening from my dear friends and family. Thank you VERY much, you definitely know who you are.

And the photograph thing is slow-moving. We spend very little time in one place, I often say it feels as though we're on the run from something, usually I blame Richard's unpaid American parking tickets as the cause of it all. Maybe someday I'll pull it all together, probably in some public library in Phoenix or something.

Actually, I believe it's less than 67 hours. How's THAT for a countdown?

i'll do it later

I uploaded every photograph from Richard's camera, but that was over 800 photos, and I think I'd rather do something more entertaining with my time than sift through those right now.

That being said, I've got the hostel room to myself, there's a thunderstorm brewing up outside, and I'm darn close to saying I've only FOUR days left until my imminent departure.

I had a very seriously cathartic sobbing session, totally necessary, and called my mom up for a much needed shoulder of support. She was really helpful and amazing, and instead of feeling shunned and pathetic, she empathized and talked me through it all. I'm so anxious about my cycle and having it take so much longer than usual, complete with a double-dose of hormones for every day it doesn't happen. That and money. And feeling really humiliated and isolated around my colleague, who is quite clearly just self-focused and usually not malicious. Usually..

So after a good cry, I had a big veggie sandwich at Subway, which I sat and ate very slowly and deliberately, and washed that down with three Arnold Palmers (that I made myself at the fountain) and a bag of baked potato chips. That was my fun time today. I think I was also pretty disappointed that I totally got flaked on by my Albuquerque pals. After the second unreturned call, I can take a hint, but still it made me sad.

These things and more make me miss the company of people who really do love me and can at least tolerate my less agreeable moments. I'm not seeking validation from my present company, it's just rather depressing to be so many miles away from anybody who cares and cooped up with someone who sighs deeply any time I cost a cent for my FREE HARD LABOR. Douche bag.

Whatever. I'm still just cranky and coping with loads of pent-up hormonal frustrations. But I'm fixing to watch Persepolis, this time with subtitles instead of the English dub (which was fun but glazes over the subtleties of Farsi).

Five days and one hour until I'm on a bus home.

just a little bit longer

Well, it's the Fourth of July. We started today at a very nice little hostel/ranch out in Cuba, NM, where we spent two nights. It was great because I got a dorm bed in an otherwise completely empty dorm room, so I had some privacy, and the hostel is set on 360 acres, including a pond, meadow, pine and aspen forest, several horses, and lots of happy people.

I wasn't feeling incredibly social, however, so I opted not to strike up conversations with anybody, and let Richard get some socializing in. I suppose sometimes I dominate conversations he could very likely join in on if not for being rather timid in most situations. This was his time to make buddies.

So, we stayed there late into the morning. Too late, for my taste; I really wanted to get up and start going, since I am just feeling extremely anxious about everything right now, not to mention I am dealing with an extended session of pms and am desperately trying to remain amicable. Most of the time, that means me sitting quietly placid rather than spitting venom and scowling. Then we FINALLY left for Albuquerque, where we're staying two nights at another hostel. This string of hostels is fine with me, welcome in fact, because the other option is camping in a tent that is quite literally on its last leg, out in the hot humid air.

We got here about 4:30pm, got the tour and set up our room. The staff (mostly off-duty) were congregated outside barbecuing a lot of meat and peppers, and suddenly a trio struck up in song: a guy singing and playing guitar, a girl with a violin, and another guy with an accordion!! They were playing some fantastic Creole music, and it just sounded so nice! I went out and sat in the meaty smoke and drank in the cheer of those sweet tunes.

Then we left for the Route 66 Diner, just down the street, and I had fish and chips like I did last time (but this time wasn't as good for some reason), and then we rolled over to the Albuquerque Isotopes game. We had mediocre seats, but there were over 15,000 people there, so our section had good energy, and the whole crowd managed to get a very impressive wave going and it made it all the way around FOUR TIMES! I couldn't stop giggling and clapping, it was by far the best part of the night for me.

Our team lost, but not by much, since they had a really great 9th inning. Afterwards, we watched a fantastic fireworks display set to the most god awful country music boasting "our country" and "patriotism" and crap. When they finally started playing the more apropos (albeit cliche) crashing-cymbal classical tunes, it was during the crowd's exit. I caught some photos on my phone, but again they're tiny, and I'm hoping to upload lots of photos from Richard's camera tomorrow. I'll slap more good stuff up here then, I think.

But, it's been a big effort to try and stay upbeat, because my company has been so fucking boring and blank and sometimes even snippy. We correct each other all the time, which I suppose could be construed as butting heads, but he takes contradicting what I say to unnecessary heights. I can't fucking point something out without him telling me what it actually is, he's so damned bad at conversation. I HATE IT. He's absolutely no fun to be around, he's so damned uptight! Nothing's ever funny, or easy, or lighthearted, because it's always some fact, some cold, hard piece of serious truth that I got "wrong" that he has to set me straight on.

I will not miss this person. I can't seem to have any fun with him, he never even SMILES, and if he does, it's so brief or minimal I hardly believe it. I know that's actually a very sad thing, and sure I should have a lot of compassion for someone who lets life hold him down so firmly. I know I should! It just seems like my having fun is annoying to him, so he's even more poopy and distant. The whole time we were at this game I felt like I was talking to a complete stranger who wanted me to shut up and stop bugging him. That's how he ALWAYS treats me!

Then he fucking tells me "we're a team," like he ever takes my advice or treats me like an equal. What a fucking crock.

Anyway, that's my rant. There are still so many explosions outside I doubt I'd be able to sleep right now, so I'm unwinding with the Internet. It's nearly midnight, and I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I plan to hang out with some home girls I met at the hot springs hostel in Truth or Consequences last week. Was it already last week? They seemed like a lot of fun and seem interested in chillin', which is flattering and also a very welcome getaway!

The great thing, though, is that tomorrow is the 5th of July, the next day is the 6th, after that the 7th, then the 8th, and then finally July 9th! The day I finally HEAD HOME!

This is purely the proverbial home, unfortunately, because I have no real address, no bed even, I just have a load of furniture and boxes being harbored in Phoenix. I have family and friends in Phoenix. It's a landing pad, a home base, a respite from this surreal expedition.

I am probably the brokest I've ever been, too. I am deeply nervous about this, where to find money, how to quickly obtain a job, and how to not get sucked into an immediate rut.

Why am I so worried? Don't I know that's not the way the world works? Things won't stand still until I move them, I'll get carried up in it and God will provide for my needs. Never failed before.

This is just probably the most unusual time in my life. Suddenly facing no school, no job, no home, no money, no plans, no destination, no relationship, all at once. My chest is an impact crater for how many times the reality has set in on me.

I saw some cool books in this absolutely massive catalogue called "The Whole World" about different takes on spirituality. This is always a difficult subject to write about, possibly even more difficult to read about. But I wrote down three books that piqued my fancy; one about the Aboriginal approach to the consciousness of the universe, one about Buddhist philosophies and centering oneself with the one consciousness, and one about Sufism (based on many Islamic principles). Maybe at Bookman's? That would extremely convenient.

So, it's officially tomorrow. I can now count down from FIVE days! Five five five five five.

This girl is dying to go home.

on the brighter side..

Before I take my late and badly-needed shower, I'll write about some nice things that haven't driven me crazy...

This week we were all over the place; we went through Ruidoso, NM, which is up in their White Mountains, and happens to be a popular getaway locale for nearby El Paso residents. We did our work up in Ski Apache, and it was hard hiking but we saw yet another herd of elk (including calves!) and we did have flowers and humming birds. On our drive down from there we could see huge monsoon storms for miles around. I took a load of photos with Richard's camera (since my camera lens broke and won't extend or focus properly, I'm left with just my tiny pixelated camera phone and brief opportunities to borrow Richard's) but I haven't uploaded those to my computer. All in good time.

Then from there we went back down into the desert outside Alamogordo, NM. It's a cute little town, and it's situated right next to the White Sands Missile Range, which has no public access and often closes the Highway 70 that runs alongside so that it can test bombs and other explosives. Nothing I really approve of or respect, because bombs are used in wars to kill loads of people at once, but I won't get into that. In one tiny spot, there is a state park, the White Sands National Monument, and they allow visitors pretty much at all hours (except when the missile range is blasting) all year long. We went for their Sunset Stroll, had a very interesting ranger guide who told us all about how these amazing gypsum dunes are formed and showed us how the creatures and plants survive out there. As the sun went down, the sands glowed and it became more and more lovely. Sure, I used Richard's camera quite a bit, but I also snapped some stuff with my phone. It's tiny, but you get the gist, I'm sure.

We couldn't camp at the Oliver Lee State Park, though, because as night approached the wind became really out of control. My tent has just about had it and wasn't worth trying to set up for one night anyway, because of the hard ground and my lousy soft stakes, and also because my fiberglass poles are starting to snap. I was going to sleep on the picnic table, but that would've been no good. We packed up and moved to a motel for the night, and I got to sleep in the most wonderful bed! So comfy!

Then we drove north to the Cibola National Forest outside Corona, NM. The roads to get into the forest were closed due to fire dangers, and it didn't occur to me until the next day that we shouldn't have gone down the tiny dirt road off to the side and camped and done our field points because it was UNLAWFUL to be in the forest at all. I don't like that; I'm not interested in getting ticketed or even arrested because we're trespassing without a research permit in federal land. He doesn't even care because he's not a citizen, but it actually does concern me, because I am in no way informed enough to not be worried that something bad could happen to me. I don't need a criminal record. Anyway, I started griping again...SEE? I have a hard time avoiding it.

So then we drove to Santa Fe again yesterday. We went out for Vietnamese food and i had pho, which I've been dying to have for ages (it's totally my favorite food, it's my comfort food, and it's the only reason I'll eat beef), and it was delicious. I sat there for 40 minutes and made love to my dinner...glorious.

Then I realized that the cherry tree behind our hostel is finally covered in thousands of perfectly ripe red cherries! Last night I stood under the tree in the dark and had my fill, not considering the bird poop until I got some in my mouth! Today (my day off), I had breakfast and then went out and filled a bowl to the top with a hundred perfect cherries and tried my best to eat them all. I didn't finish the bowl, and I feel a little cherried-out. I'll pick some more for when Richard comes back.

But I ought to run off and clean up, even though it's really lovely to hang around in my underwear and idly surf the 'net. Reminds me of home.