what I want.

Deciding specifically what I want on any given day is such a process, such a matter of deduction and rationalization and compromise. I can't decide, for example, if I want to be unhappy because other wants I routinely decide upon have not materialized or become mine. Should I let that perceived lack bring me down? I have so many other things going my way, why do I allow myself to be bogged down so much by such insignificant things as unrequited love? If I wanted, and sometimes I do, I could choose to wallow in the hopeless injustice of it all. I could listen to the saddest music and cry myself to sleep in the middle of the day, bathed in afternoon sunlight. I could put off all my responsibilities so that I might focus all my energies on being unproductive and miserable, lethargic and fatigued, remaining as lonely as possible.

But what do I want, precisely? I want to be happy, right? I want to feel loved, to feel needed, to feel helpful and appreciated. I want to feel blameless, wanted, and special. I want to be educated and skilled. I want a career that suits me enough to feel more like a delightfully-involved hobby than a cumbersome to-do list. I want to travel as much as I possibly can, I want to make friends all over the world. I want my dog. I want a sense of importance. I want to be respected for who I am and what I do and choose for myself. I want to love everyone for their individual cocktail of specialness. I want to paint. I want to sew. I want to make dance costumes and accessories. I want to DANCE. I want to continue losing weight, to be as svelte as I possibly can be, because I feel really good about myself when I am toned and agile.

And in the grand scheme of things, I truly, desperately want companionship. Namely, Toby's. How can I possibly have everything I want and also keep him? It seems unachievable. He is quite permanent at the moment, and I have always been rather transient. I want to go to Canada for graduate school, and am in the application process for a program that specifically suits my goals, experience, and education. I want to pursue that for myself, so how could I insist, unselfishly, that he stay with me while I explore my own version of success? Talk about injustice.

I can't have it all, it seems. This does not assuage the grief I feel at choosing my own path and watching Toby choose his own, one that generally does not involve me. Although I realize that my conflicting desires are incredibly hypocritical, I just can't get past the notion that we ultimately belong together.

Gah. The positive side of it is I don't have a boy for whom I compromise my goals, and I will likely move right on through to my next phase in career pursuit and it will turn out for the best. I can't help but hold onto the heartache though.

daily folly

On the same day that I conceive the first draft of a recommendation letter I'd like my boss to sign for me, I am spotted being late to work and exposed for being quite behind in the progress for two separate levels of students. It makes me look like a real jackass...certainly not one deserving of any kind of recommendation or high esteem.

My heart HURTS right now. I don't even feel like being nice to my students. They don't deserve my coldness, but I'm stressed out that they aren't improving in their understanding at the standard I'm supposed to guide them, and this is because they aren't paying attention and that frustrates me and I don't hide it.

And Adi, who sends a million mixed signals, somehow thinks he's the center focus of all my attention and fancies himself the reason for my stress and dismay. He routinely blows me off, something I absolutely hate, and I was ready to stop talking to him weeks ago....and then his friend died, and his was distraught, so I sucked it up and decided that he needed me to be a supportive friend. So that's what I have been. But I don't ever expect him to follow through on plans, ever. In fact, I know he'll cancel, or postpone, or show up so late, or have something else to do in addition to seeing me. I'm not demanding to be the center of his attention, but dammit! Why do I have be so expendable? Why is my time and availability taken for granted so?? It's such an insult. On the other hand, I find it impossible to deliberately burn a bridge, or say goodbye to any relationship, no matter how painful and destructive, certainly thanks to being the child of an alcoholic with regular disappearing acts...I know never to count on anyone following through on any promises until it actually happens, and I remain very flexible and tolerant to their bullshit instead of just protecting myself from the hurt it always causes.

Why can't I just stop talking to someone who hurts me again and again?

Why can't I just pull myself together and behave as a punctual, organized adult with responsibilities and obligations? I hate to let people down, but I just let myself down with all my procrastination and timidity.

I'm having trouble believing in myself today.

3 x 7.

Actually even less than that. Just 20 days until I depart this land I will have called home for 20 months. Novelty faded away long ago, discomfort came and went at times, romance occurred momentarily more than once, and I managed to change my philosophy and lifestyle manyfold.

In these past few weeks, as I grieve the impending loss of this life and these relationships and this city, emotional songs carry more weight, and wise statements and adages strike me as more significant, profound and relevent. I'm facing changes I obviously cannot even fathom. "What's life without a risk or two?" I gleaned from an episode of American Idol. My friend from decades ago (no kidding!) reassured me that I may be going back to Phoenix, but it's not the same Phoenix and I'm not the same in it. Every retrospection on change as healthy, natural and beneficial helps to ease my heart. I feel so sentimental about every experience with friends, and even more so now.

The problem is that lately I've been quite sensitive, and my friends have suddenly increased their frequency of canceled plans and unavailability. I know it's all on my end, but this is the time when I don't want to have to fish for their attention, and when I ask them to work me into their schedules, I find it hurtful that it is such low priority. I don't demand much from friends, but I do ask that when something is important to me, they be supportive of that. With very little time left to spend with me, I'm tired of hearing, "You're leaving HOW SOON? OMG, we should get together before you go!" and then having nobody follow through. I'm so sick of flakey friends.

Meanwhile, I find no peace at my apartment. I've stripped the walls and tabletops of any decor and either stacked or packed it. I'm trying to sort through the clothing I plan to either ship home, give away, throw away, or pack for Thailand. A distance friend recently surmised that I should be psyching myself up about my vacation...I fully agree, I should. I'm trying, a little bit, to think on that bright side. My house is a chaotic mess. I went from sewing feverishly to finish costumes for my big bellydancing performance to going vegetative from fatigue to shifting gears into moving.

Also, I need to be responsible and spell out a budget for myself. Since I am not directly landing into the financial safety of a new job in Arizona, I should certainly lay out a plan for what money I will have to live on. This budget will have to account for vacation expenses, shipment of boxes and luggage, a few more payments on student loans, final bill payments, and the obligatory good-bye parties that I'm sure will commence in my final days in Seoul.

My mom's planning to pay me to help do some work on the exterior of the house, so I will happily use that bit of income.

I am looking forward to meeting up with one of my best girlfriends in Thailand. She's so relaxing and inspiring to be around. I'm sure we will share an unforgettable, incredible experience together. That will be nice.

because

you know, because I was happy. I felt really high on life. I get so high that I fall really hard. And now it hurts.

Screw this.

up in the attic, it sleeps in the dust

Spring seemed to come in short, irregular spurts, and the weather hasn't fully decided to warm up or stay cool enough to necessitate a sweater or long sleeves. Frankly, I've had enough cold weather, and I'm drumming my fingers irritably at having to layer up every day, especially in early May.

I can count a few accomplishments since I last updated. Namely, I shook my damn self awake. Financially, I shaved down my debt to a nice round 8 grand. How about that?! I finished several pieces of a total of 10 separate items for upcoming dancing gigs. I've lost some weight...3 kilos! That's progress because I was hanging out at the same weight forever and it was really discouraging. I discovered a boy I really liked and I basically pounced on the opportunity and made a successful catch! Obviously it won't last because I'm in Temporary Mode and I couldn't keep him on a long-distance basis...so that means right now I have nothing to lose in just liking him tons! Life in the moment!

I've also taken the time to send off a letter or two of interest about jobs I could see myself doing, and I've located some potential graduate programs abroad. The idea of how I'd be paying for those things hasn't completely settled in, so we'll see.

When I do what I do

I'm approaching that time when I should be picking up momentum and closing up shop around here. I should be, anyway. Among the long list of things I have to complete before I can bow out are shipping several parcels of things back to Phoenix, coping somehow with my tax extension request, purchasing plane tickets to Thailand and around various parts within the country, preparing at least somewhat to take the general GRE when I come back to Arizona, cleaning and packing my apartment (beyond what was originally provided me), and spending quality time with my dearest friends to whom I will have to bid fond farewells.

Let's add to that the obvious responsibilities of my job, which is the whole reason I'm here. We can also mention taekwondo training, since I am merely days from becoming a fully-registered and qualified black belt. I plan to devote another month to training, but not two. It's just so demanding of my spare time, and I need all the time I can get to wrap up all the aforementioned details. And being part of a dance troupe means that I must rehearse with them regularly, practice at home, memorize choreographies, and sew new costumes for a very important show in early June. These things keep me extremely busy and distracted from the fact that I am not going to be here forever. That this is it. Life will change completely. Fear and anxiety would surely ensue if I were to bend my mind around The Uncertain Future, which I can hardly control from here.

I like the idea of living in the moment. I am impressed with my ability to do so, and I'm proud to say I am doing so.

I even found a nice little romantic character for my last few chapters in Korea. It's a funny place that I find myself; I really really like him but I can't keep him, so I am just living it up now. I'm being the most honest and straightforward I have ever been romantically (and I am almost always completely candid), and I have expressed my interest directly without [hopefully] coming across as infatuated or obsessed. It's just so much fun and there's nothing to lose, so I'm throwing caution to the wind and enjoying myself.

Of course, to be fair, this character has only just been introduced a few pages ago. Deep feelings of any sort are not yet involved, and anything could happen from here. I can only speak for myself when I pronounce that this will be fun and easy and lighthearted and easy to break away from. But even on my own behalf, that may likely not be the case.

My students are so wonderful, too. It's going to be very hard to say goodbye to their sweet faces and their loving spirits. I just adore my friends and my favorite coworkers and the springtime here (even though it comes in spurts). I do have an amplified sense of affection for everything now that it feels much more fleeting.

I wish this winter weather would go, however. Being cold is tiresome. Having bronchitis for 3 weeks is also boring and frustrating and limiting. Not getting to take a single day off to rest my vocal chords means I just keep working them raw every day and my condition fluctuates between severe and moderate. It will take so long to recover. Not my favorite thing about my bosses or the job.

I'm wasting precious time that I should be using to prepare for my next class. Adieu.

Montreal may eat its young

I've checked out. I have no focus and no drive to complete anything. Once again those little nagging voices in the back of my head tell me that people don't like me, that I'm not good at my job, that I'm disappointing everyone, that I'm responsible for everything that's going wrong. I'm not content or satisfied with my body, my teaching style, my relationships with my friends, or what I'm planning to do with myself when I uproot once more and move overseas.

Korea, for all its quirks and befuddlements and frustrating idiosyncrasies, is my home. It's what I know, it's familiar, and it has provided me extensive shelter during the economic storm that seems much more severe back in the States. Leaving what I know and diving into the unknown, again, is obviously good for me and won't kill me...but it's severely distracting.

I have a lot to do and I don't feel like I'm good enough for it, recently anyway, and it's hampering my ability to get things accomplished, which compounds my feelings of ineptitude. My interests are scattered all over the place, and my brain and personality feel just as scattered. I'm so tired today!

Yesterday, without even proofreading it, I sent an email to my mom as an attempt to confront the issues I have with the way she treats me (and my grandma, and my brother). We'll see if she even acknowledges I said anything. That's the thing with emotional abuse: she won't even admit it's happening, and therefore I am just wrong because I'm overreacting and she's completely justified in doing anything she wants whenever she feels so inclined. I approached it very gently, without being too vague, and expressed only a portion of the iceberg of issues I have with her. I just don't know where it will go. Maybe I'm being extra hard on myself because it scares me to even go near reality with my mom.

It's terrifying.

same sad song

Having distanced myself for a significant time from frequent interpersonal interactions with my mother, I'd venture that it has allowed me a great deal of room to grow and heal. I want to love my mom, despite how hurtful she has been to me my entire life, and I want to have a positive, decent relationship with her. The idea of cutting that part out and not speaking to her again is almost out of the question, but the way she treats me, still, from so far away, makes me wonder if I would be better off.

When I do talk to her, she frequently cuts me off without letting me make a point or finish my statement, regardless of the topic. If it has to do with money, she simply can't be wrong. It's so difficult to discuss MY money matters and my approaches with her infallible, credit-is-evil stance, especially when for six years I've had a loan and credit cards and I'm not drowning in debt. What I'm doing is working for me, but I can't even tell her calmly about my mature money decisions, because her convictions are superior and she will cut me off mid-sentence to rant.

Not to mention, she'll openly slam my brother, or my dad, or my grandma. Three people I love and value, one of whom is dead, one of whom is in her last few years, and one with whom I should have a healthy relationship for the rest of my life. She doesn't hold back when she's feeling hateful, and she will criticize anyone and everyone. She especially does not treat me with respect when she is annoyed or angry.

***

I have to learn to let it go, to forgive it and accept it, and see it for what it is: her problem.

***

So in a different arena, I am thinking hard about the possibility of myself as a mother. Being surrounded by wonderful, adorable, bright, creative and affectionate children every day tugs hard at my maternal tendencies and encourages those hormones to amplify the sound of the "biological clock." Not that I feel like I'm getting older, but I feel zestful and young enough to remember my childhood and relate to my future children's experiences (at least somewhat). I feel healthier and more confident, but sometimes I wonder if I'm still under the power of all the emotional and physical and sexual abuse; I never, ever want to become an abuser. I will go to therapy forever to avoid it. I wish therapy were more available in Korea...or at least more accessible and affordable.

Wanting to have my own family is echoing pretty loudly in the back of my head, but being single and living in one of the worst countries for expatriate females to date a local means I'm still far, far away from that dream. It is kind of a dream. To add to that, I would like to heal some more, because I still think I'm a bit broken, and I would just end up breaking my kids.

***

There's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that Toby and I have an amazingly open and honest communication and long-distance pseudo-relationship. There is definitely no commitment involved, no expectations (usually), and we respect each other and marvel daily at how the other has grown and changed for the better. We support each other. We are best friends. We love each other very much.

The bad news is that I have thought of Toby this whole time as the man I'm meant to end up with. I like to entertain the idea of having his kids and his last name. I've wrapped my mind around him for over a decade, and I decided I didn't want to play the field any longer. On his side, however, he is just barely eking his way towards adulthood. He doesn't want kids, he isn't thinking about marriage, and he still wants to explore the field sexually. I can't fault him for that, obviously; it's his path and he's on it and that's just the fact of the matter. Besides that, I already had those experiences because my path took me there at a much earlier age. I'm finished with that. I'm not drawn by the mystery and taboo nature of a threesome, or kissing a girl, or serial one-night-stands. Now, those things are just old news.

So the decision I will have to make eventually is how to move on and attach my heart to another man. I've been dating, of course, and that's fine and it brings moderate satisfaction, briefly. Seoul is a dating desert, and the few men I've met who are interested in me are either really clingy or detached to a fault. I prefer the latter, obviously, because I can wash my hands of them much sooner. Because I've always, deep-down, remained loyal to Toby, at least in the long run, I wasn't really invested in having anything long-term with any boy here. Though it would be nice to have something work out and just be comfortable. My tentative residence here seems to have given me super powers of singledom. Having been with Toby for so long, I appreciate now having the liberty of doing whatever I want, all the time. Being single is hard to get used to, and sometimes I mistake it for being alone.

I am looking forward to the opportunity of dating around in a more mature category of men, preferably with no kids or ex-wives, who swoon over me and have realistic expectations and want to spend time with me. I'm not interested in watching another man grow up while I wait. Moving back to the States, even if it's only briefly, will probably be good for my confidence level.

***

Blah blah blah. I just talk about myself all the time. Blah blah blah.

bonjour, mes amis

It's me, after another month. I think I'm finding some sense of regularity here, at least. March came roaring in and has yet to ease up on me, and likely many of my counterparts.

Let's see...February wrapped up with a bang, I suppose. I spent most of my free time preparing myself physically, mentally, and with the necessary equipment for my first tae kwon do tournament, plus a belly dance performance on the SAME DAY. So with all my effort and high tension, I thought I had gotten myself ready, until the Friday before the competition. I dragged out to a goodbye dinner for a friend, and ended up joining other people who went to a hiphop club and ended up getting carried away with the good times, and drinking four STRONG drinks. Such a wise decision...

Saturday morning, having barely any sleep, waking still drunk and bordering the impending hangover, I dragged myself through getting ready and didn't get out of my house on time. This upset my whole team, though I didn't hear about it right away. I called my mom to wish her a happy birthday, took a small walk on the mountain behind my house, and tried to eat oatmeal...unsuccessfully. I was two hours behind the team, and I guess it didn't seem like such a big deal to me because I didn't actually consider myself on a "team," I'm usually a solo player and that's how I think of myself. I didn't realize I was distracting my "teammates" from preparing themselves for their own matches. I spent the next seven hours nursing a hangover, beating myself up for sabotaging myself before a match, for letting everybody down, and for being the Asshole of the Day, really. I had no place to complain about how shitty I felt, which was truly horrible, because I couldn't eat or drink anything without having to run to the restroom to violently throw it up, and I was dizzy and had a pounding headache.

I pushed myself, though, and I tried really hard to just pull myself together, stay with it, and be cool. Later, I was accused of not being "sorry enough," and drama ensued where they all conferred about my many failings (at the tournament and elsewhere) and wouldn't let it go without dropping it all on my head.

Lo and behold, I won my match. There was only one fight, and my competition was a young lady from Korea who didn't bother to warm up, practice, or stretch, but she sure watched me do all those things. My headache and nausea was worrying me; I was afraid my setbacks would sacrifice my timing and strategy. My coach was good to me, most notably for not benching me outright, and gave me really great instruction during the match (which I took to heart and followed as closely as possible). Having only two players registered in the heavyweight adult females meant that either way I would have medaled, but as it were I'm pleased that I took home the gold despite the circumstances.

Afterward I went home, lay on my bed for 20 minutes, and then got up, showered, and did my hair and makeup, and finally ate a small amount of food. I took a train for an hour and made it to the venue where our dance troupe was performing in part of a big charity event. It was fun, and I enjoyed myself, and the girls were so enthusiastic and supportive of me for winning (sharply contrasting the disregard from my "teammates" at the tournament). I was too tired to really dance energetically and creatively, so when I had my solos I don't think I did anything profound or particularly inspiring, but I noted that I had no stage fright whatsoever. I suppose I was still in a victory glow. I got a ride part of the way home with two incredible people, and found myself really perked up by the time I got home.

I won't be drinking again any time soon, I think. It just feels like ugly memories and bad decisions and too many calories and day-after headaches.

And winter hasn't left yet. In fact, it snowed again on Monday night, which was both staggeringly beautiful and deeply disappointing. Earlier that day, I had just noticed that tiny yellow flower buds were forming on the tree branches near the front steps to my apartment building. The winter wonderland was just the opposite of what I wanted, no matter how magical it looked. Thankfully, it has melted almost entirely away and those little yellow buds are still on the tree branches. All we need now are some warmer temperatures and some leaves, and I think spring will feel a bit more welcome, and decide to finally stay.

Work is just hard. That's all. I want to be good at my job, but there are all kinds of unpleasant truths about the system and my superiors and even some of my coworkers that repel me and having new classes with new students is really hairy and unfulfilling.

I've felt really lousy, tense, and fatigued for two weeks. I went to the doctor on Monday after having a constant headache every day for six days, and he gave me about a hundred pills for five days, no names and no indications for any of them, just when to take them. The doctor visit and the medication only totalled to about 8 bucks, so I figure I'll honor the advice of the doctors and take the meds. I think they make me really drowsy and dehydrated.

Also, I've been really antisocial lately. It isn't deliberate, but spending time with my friends just doesn't seem appealing in the slightest. I'd rather save myself the trouble and go home and relax by myself. I've apparently missed loads of phone calls and texts, however, and every sensitive feeling my friends have has been hurt by my failure to cater to their little expectations. Maybe it is deliberate. I don't feel like being judged, especially by Katie, David and Dan. They seem to document every single mistake I make in their presence, to misinterpret and assume and critique, only to hold it against me forever. It's not encouraging. On the other hand, spending time with anyone else just feels like too much effort.

Nobody reaches out to me, so I can carry on my ideas that I'm flying solo, as usual. No one thinks about me or wants to do anything with me, which is FINE, because it's not a big deal and we all do what we want to. It's not personal, but to Katie it is. I'm tired of that mentality. Just let me do my own damn thing. I'm not on her case about staying in touch with me every day, and I don't watch her to screw up or get all worked out of shape when she trips some hypersensitive hair trigger boundaries. I just don't think of her like that. But, it's safe to say, I'm wounded, and I feel defensive and bitter and betrayed. I'd just rather be alone, thanks.

Then there's Toby. I love that man, but being 6000 miles way sucks. If I was any closer to him, would it be different than it was before? Probably not. Should I just move on and find someone who's better suited to me? Yeah, I should. Is it possible to do that? I'd like to say yes, but so far I just can't tear myself away.

I figure I'll just be my free-floating self for the rest of my days. We'll see if I can manage it.

Monthly update

I get into some severe highs and lows with my job, but thank goodness I've found my rhythm. It will be a shame to have to abandon that sense of comfort when I leave Korea, because I assure you it gets incredibly comfortable here. People leave, and then come back repeatedly, or hem and haw until they inevitably sign another year contract again and again, because they have either nothing else to do, or have found it extremely convenient to be paid to be here. The promise of employment, however devoid of promotion or advancement, is still guaranteed, when it obviously isn't in most places. This is a trap, I think. It's how people get lulled to sleep in their lives and rest on their laurels and forget that they had dreams and ambitions before they came to Korea. Or maybe they didn't, and that's why they've stayed here so long. No other ideas; may as well live in Korea, where I am afforded a small amount of vacation time and the freedom to travel and drink and relatively expendable income.

I'm just not in that boat. People are half-shocked that I have elected not to stay another full year. Everyone just assumes that we are here for good. On the other hand, my mother and grandma do me no favors by delivering grim news about the job market and the economy in Arizona and the U.S. That's just what I need to motivate me...though I haven't really felt as hopeless and directionless as I did in January.

I have lovely, wonderful friends and family who support me and have the utmost faith in me. It really means a lot. Also, I am just trying to focus on what I am trying to make of my presence. I have a taekwondo tournament in three weeks. My coach and my peers seem to think I am doing a great job and that I'm really ready for it. I don't disagree, but I have no idea how ready I should be or feel. I'll just have to see for myself. I don't even expect to win, but I sure would like to lay in a few good points to the head to show up the racist judges, referees and opposing coaches and players. Though I don't anticipate fairness by refs and judges, I do want to make my coach proud.

Then there's the belly dance performance, where I have found myself with a 6-minute fan solo project to work on. I'm sewing and beading a new costume, and choreographing and practicing my fan dance, and my free time literally doesn't exist!

I have to stay up late just to download new LOST episodes, though obviously I'm willing to do that!

The biggest blessing I can relay is that it is FINALLY starting to feel warmer. The weather has been rainy and grey, but the temperature hovers around freezing now, which is much more tolerable than say...13 degrees Fahrenheit. In late March, my friends will come visit me from Dalian, China, and we will explore Seoul as tourists (I haven't really felt like a tourist here in a long time!), and I will offer my humble abode for their brief stay. Maybe we will have leaves by then! (It's cold in China too, though, so I hope it's comfortable when they get here!!)

I'm proud of myself for what I have done and what I can do. I'm feeling lovely, sexy, strong, and beautiful. I feel like a successful teacher. My students are just amazing, loving, inspiring little people who bless me every day. I am so fortunate to get to have relationships with all those kids, to have their trust and their adoration and admiration, to be able to bury them in hugs and affection, or share a joke and a sincere, hearty laugh. It makes all the difference, every single day, that I have the chance to connect with them.

Spring is COMING!

A new year and a new attempt at blogging

Hey, I'm still in Korea. It's an attempt at security and an avoidance of making any drastic changes (like another international relocation) just yet that I chose back in November to stay until next July. In short, it's just easier to stay where I am. Of course, at the time I was feeling incredibly satisfied and fulfilled with my job, my social life, my romantic life, my recreational life, and the state of things in Seoul.

Happiness is a funny thing, too, because once it comes around, it deceives you into believing things are going to look up from now on...until they don't, and you spend some time scrambling or frantic because circumstances are out of your hands. Besides that, I just really enjoy being happy. Who doesn't? Unfortunately, my shortcomings and insecurities include a bit of jealousy, indignance, impatience, and melodrama. Having no control over the momentum of life often leads to flare-ups in some of my less-marketable qualities, and happiness factors tend to drop in those cases.

By December, I had found myself in a sticky social situation, discovered I didn't have the money for any trip during my winter vacation, and felt as though I had nothing to really look forward to. Christmas and the New Year promised nothing more than solitude and sub-freezing temperatures, and life felt grim and lonely once again. Change is inevitable, in beautiful, painful, unpredictable ways, but it comes and that's just fact.

*****************************************

I decided that if I was going to drop a bunch of money during my week of paid vacation, I was going to put it towards something I could remember clearly. Like a big tattoo. I have been thinking about getting one to essentially commemorate my life in Korea, the phenomenon of change and how it is a beautiful thing, and something that I have especially loved about Seoul. Eventually I settled on ginkgo leaves, which come in many shapes and sizes even on the same tree. They are a brilliant green during the spring and summer, and they gradually gild over in September and October until trees everwhere are a luminous yellow. They have dictated so much of my subconscious feelings about my life here; experiencing seasons in a temperate climate, the reverence for their medicinal and nutritional properties, and seeing the scattered, fallen leaves dry and brown but retaining their classic shape, all during the winter. I see them peeking out of the snowdrifts, occasionally. I think they are lovely, plain and simple. I feel a special connection to ginkgo, and ginkgo is a familiar thing in Korean life.

Five hundred dollars later, I am now tending to the healing of my brand-new, intricate and extremely professional-looking tattoo.

*****************************************

After my contract is up in July, I plan to fly to Bangkok, Thailand, for the first leg of a two-week trip around the country, before I fly out of Bangkok to Phoenix. By now, obviously, changes this big shouldn't scare me. My world has turned upside-down so many times I can't quite count, and I'm no worse for the wear. In fact, I'd like to say they have been huge growth experiences and that I'm better for having had the challenges of starting over again and again. Little rebirths. This all relies on my faith that God is directing my life and has stretched a massive safety net in case I stumble. So far, so good. Why not view the impending international relocation as yet another renaissance? I certainly won't be the same person when I get back to the States, so I shouldn't imagine that I will find myself back in the same conundrums. For as unappealing as Phoenix seems to me, it still serves as a home base, and always has, and I've never had too much trouble springboarding out of there when the right opportunity arose.

I have been frightened, but I suddenly understand that there's no need for it.

****************************************

Additionally, I feel pressure to lose weight and be in good condition to train in taekwondo and receive my black belt before July. This is absolutely within reach, but I no longer feel the liberty to answer only to myself, because now my trainer is keeping tabs on my weight loss. This motivates me but only when I have made progress; otherwise I feel shame for not having the energy or the determination to maintain a healthy diet. I stay quite active, far more than I was for most of my life, but occasionally I injure myself or get sick, and my training intensity suffers. I seem to have lost the foothold on being tidy and having a regular, healthy sleep routine, so I am most often dragging far behind where I should be. Lethargy is my constant foe.

****************************************

Belly dancing has been very fun and fulfilling for the past several weeks. Our instructor has been away, traveling around the world, training and performing and advancing her skill. Meanwhile, three girls from our dance troupe are leading different sections of the class. It has been a really wonderful, healthy thing for us to have this time together, doing technique drills and bonding on a totally different level than before. It's very a comfortable and supportive atmosphere. They are such wonderful teachers and their experience, approach and interpretation of the dance has been very eye-opening and empowering. I really needed to learn more technique and work on it, so I feel as though I've caught up somewhat to the other girls who have been doing this for at least a year longer than I have. Very valuable. I'd like to be slimmer for this as well, since I am hung up on insecurities with my belly and stretch marks. All in good time, I suppose.

****************************************

Though I've dated a tiny bit while being in Korea, there's certainly no one who has ever measured up to the bar Toby set for me. Since I've been here, too, our friendship has deepened, and we communicate on a different level (FINALLY). We are best friends, and I can always count on him to understand what I am going through and to be encouraging and supportive of me. Our interests are fairly different, but highly compatible, and in terms of humor and music and academic pursuits, he just plain "gets" me. To be fair, I haven't been totally open to the idea of replacing him as the Significant Man in my life, and the few guys I've actually found myself really drawn to seemed to have no interest in me, so the choice has always been easy. Toby wins. And, as usual, I fixate on him, just like I've done for a decade, but the refreshing thing is that he welcomes my attention and I don't feel like a crazy stalker. He's even risen to the occasion of meeting me halfway, in a sense, to stay in touch and make meaningful, loving gestures of affection and friendship.

He is supportive of me being all the way out here, working on myself, making progress he swears he can see daily (even though I am somewhat blind to it), and refuses to impose his own life momentum on my goals...though I don't want anybody but him. So we're in a state of Limbo, I suppose, and may remain that way until something stirs inside of him to pick up and run to a new life, or something stirs inside of me to move along. So far, nothing.

That means, of course, that my little domestic romance did not last long. A nice, attractive guy, yes, but a major lack of compatibility was glaringly obvious the longer we dated. It isn't his fault, but he doesn't do or say the things I want him to, he isn't what I want in a relationship. We're still friends, but in a manner where I am wholly uninterested in him (a few ugly revelations of his immaturity really turned me off romantically), and he still makes attempts to flirt with me. It's not enough to enjoy his good looks, because I find myself frustrated with him more often, and that's probably all it will ever amount to.

****************************************

I should, and likely will, start posting blogs again with cheerful descriptions of my most recent adventure or infatuation, with photos to complement. These cold winter months (MUCH colder than weather in which I've ever had to function daily) have slowed me down and made me acutely apathetic. That's the word of the month: Apathy. A-P-A-T-H-Y. It's such a big thing to have to crawl out from under, just like repressing bad memories and pain, because it builds up to such an immense degree and becomes exponentially more difficult to recover from every day that it continues.

Lately, though, I can shave little tasks off the huge pile of things I should do. So it's not going to weigh down on me forever. I just need to practice maintaining it all the time.

*****************************************