the Jitters

so, i'm actually really happy right now.  of course, for me and everyone else i'm sure, happiness is rather cyclical, and the road gets bumpy and we all deal with it how we do, but for me this is a new and different brand of happiness.

i recently reflected on the span of my lifetime, recalling my happiest times in childhood and young adulthood and official adulthood.  the sheer dearth of joy from what should have been my most carefree years and the subsequent compounding damage and bitterness as i aged are an appalling discovery of how infrequently i felt truly happy.

as a child, i had a mixture of people who loved me and treated me gently and people who were harsh, abusive, and entirely selfish with me.  in my immediate family, four of seven adults were extremely abusive, so i lacked the safety and security i certainly deserved.

i acted out in response to that for the next decade or so, emotionally flailing and flopping and never developing a sense of self love or self respect.  i waged war on my body for years.

i lost my father, my stepfather was exposed, and my mother was diagnosed, and i moved away and out of the pit of unhappy memories and unhealthy family ties again and again until i finally found a foothold in a city not far away while attending university.  my heart was still wrenched and scarred, and i had so much undealt-with pain, but finding myself in a new environment at least allowed me to associate my past with somewhere else.

though i knew it was an absolute necessity, i put off seeking professional help for my endless unhappiness, for three years after it occurred to me that i really did need it.  when i finally did see a therapist, i had so much repressed that dredging it back up was an absolute nightmare, but it was the first priority in healing.  all of a sudden, i had a breakthrough, and i was the happiest i'd ever been in my whole entire life!  i was literally high on life!  of course, i was around people at work and at home who were not so deliriously happy, and it was a matter of time before i let my environment bring me back down again.  but i had tasted it, the sheer weightlessness of it, and i wanted to be happy again!

luckily, i am loved.  i always have been, but i frequently can't see that, because i most often did not love myself at all.  i have wonderful friends, amazing people i consider as close and dear as family (the non-abusive kind!), and i did my fair share of relying on them to carry me through some of these really dark patches.  my faith has also strengthened deeply, and i am satisfied that spiritually, my heart rests in the right Hands.

but i am always on the move, always searching.  perhaps running.  i have had more happy moments and much closer together than i can ever remember growing up, but i have still let the emotional scars control me, i still struggle with loving myself.

living abroad has somehow, indirectly, put things in perspective for me.  it has been an excellent opportunity to get to know myself better.  additionally, i have been doing things for myself that i really enjoy that offer such benefits as having new skills, losing weight, increased stamina, social interaction, creative catharsis, and being just plain ol' fun to do.  i'm feeling and looking fit and healthy, i've done a lot of personal analysis and hopefully gleaned some wisdom from it, and i can share and contribute my life and wisdom to those around me.

but most importantly, i think, i have reconnected with LOVE.  it was always part of my philosophy, that love is the fiber of the universe, but living that truth took shedding a lot of layers and skins and delusions and misconceptions about myself and others and life.  i have found a deep respect and love for myself.  i love who i am and i'm very proud of who i am.

and i absolutely adore children!  it is their happy energy that has inspired me in so many ways to search myself for joy and love.  working with them is truly fulfilling, and i am so grateful to have this chance.

so i am very happy.

additionally, i seem to have met someone to whom i've taken quite a fancy.  i never thought i'd feel butterflies in my stomach again, and it has been years and years.  i was really afraid i wouldn't find someone who appreciated and understood so much about me (which is a big reason why i held so tightly to toby; he understands and knows and loves so much about me, i couldn't justify sacrificing that), and i was skeptical i'd ever meet someone who challenged me intellectually the way toby does.  the foundation of this, however, is such novelty for me:  completely honest communication.  sometimes i can feel myself balking at being sincerely romantic, but so far i am ecstatic to be involved in something that is emotionally mature and mutually enthusiastic.  it is so nice to feel special enough for the effort.

juxtaposing life now to life before this, i can say with certainty that i am happy much more often than i can ever remember being.  it is a liberating weight off my heart, i feel so much energy, i have so much more room to stretch and grow.  i can share my love with others, and with myself.  i'm staying in korea even longer than i planned, because why ruin a good thing, right?

i think i'm moving on up.