tiny violin soloist

I still have a draft about Beijing waiting on hold, but I'm unmotivated to write about my trip and slap several dozen photos in there. It's time-consuming and I'm feeling emotional right now.

I've been a bit low for a few weeks, I guess. I was so sick for a month before we left for Beijing, and even then I felt like I'd been underground and completely unaware of the world above. I'd show up at work and have no clue what to do each day; I was truly too ill to be going to work and in no position to take a sick day (because of the effort in preparing sub plans and getting my coworkers to sub for me). I deserved a sick day, though.

I don't know what it is. The suspicion that this might be that slippery slope into another bout of depression is ever-present, especially when I am unable to identify any explicit reason for my blues. A handful of reasons, like feeling a bit alienated and alone, overworked and stressed, thoroughly exhausted from being sick or sad since Easter, and wondering if I'm crazy for possibly settling without ever really reintroducing myself into the single life and still considering that more could be out there, have come to mind when I try to make sense of it.

My temper and patience are shorter, my tolerance is lower, and I have become extremely apathetic and antisocial. This feels, to me, somewhat like a "relapse." Or it could simply be hormonal and maybe tomorrow I'll wake up feeling springtime fresh. Since I've already explored the idea of psychotherapy and anti-depressants, if only very briefly, I know that avenue is out of the question. I'm opposed to medication, and doctors, in almost every form.

Self-medication hasn't always been more cost-effective, and binge-eating, net-surfing, and exploring ways to spend all my money online rarely lead to improved health and vitality. I've been out of taekwondo for nearly two months, as well. I left for a month in March, and attended for roughly 4 classes in April, and have not been there in May. I could really use those endorphins, I suppose.

It's that tiny violin...do you hear it? I feel angry and stubborn, on top of sad and unmotivated. This all needs to go away.

And I need to go to bed.