a brief reflection

sometimes i forget that i'm still young and that from the outside it looks extremely easy for me to move on from one situation to the other.  in actuality, i am frequently bogged down by what i consider to be sticky decision-making.

letting the past stay in the past is really difficult when i keep packing the past up with me and taking it out every time i feel even slightly insecure.  i keep reaching backwards to the comfort of something that wasn't ever totally healthy and is probably completely a lost cause now.  i'm not a fixer, i don't try to change others, but i do want to help nurture and support those i love.  saying goodbye to a flawed relationship is so complicated, but i've been through this process before.  it just involves so much grieving.  it was the same with my dad.  it was the same with various dear friends who changed their minds about our friendship.  women tend to define themselves by the many relationships in which they participate, family, friends, lovers, acquaintances and coworkers, students, and so on.  i'm no exception.

i can't picture the aftermath and the calamity of finally moving myself forward to be emotionally available to someone new, someone who didn't watch me grow up, someone who knows nothing about my abused childhood, someone to whom i would be obliged to explain so many things.  i hate the pity that ensues from some people, when compassion is beyond their grasp, but they still want to try and benefit my cause by donating some emotional charity.  it won't go away, it's part of my life, it shaped who i am, those were my challenges and my lessons and i'm stronger because of that.

it's just so deeply disappointing to know i need to let go of someone who truly understands me, because he has no goals, no ambitions, no dreams, and no motivation.  i wanted for so long to be his motivation, but i set myself to be let down when i was just never worth the effort.

so, i guess, let the real grieving begin.