Not pretending

All we ever have is the present, right?  Well, at present, I'm obsessed.  Maybe it's just fixation, but my mind is locked on one thing and has been hammering away at it for days.  I'll chock it up to being almost entirely isolated in someone else's house for two weeks, with few responsibilities and stressors, but this is undeniable.

Let me explain how it started:

I won't get into an entire back story, because I'm not writing a novel and this is my blog with a hundred previous entries that certainly touched on my failing romance with the previous "love of my life," but suffice it to say I've been coping with the official death of that relationship for the past 9 months.  Coping has involved a rebound relationship that satisfactorily distracted me but ultimately fell short of my expectations and minimum criteria.  It has also involved a fair amount of Me Time, where I've managed to rekindle (or probably just kindle) a love affair with myself...that kind of love that is forgiving and unconditional and understanding.  I've never loved myself like that before.

Well, since I had settled on being in a healthy relationship with myself for the first time, and I'm awfully monogamous, I was neither looking for nor interested in entertaining anything with anyone else.  Plus, as the end of the school year came to a fever pitch, there was no time or space in my brain for thoughts about a boy.  I wasn't looking, to be short.

Isn't this when everyone says, that's when love finds you, when you least expect it?

Okay, so let me clarify:  I'm not in love.  Love hasn't officially found me.

I tend to revisit (reactivate) my account on an online dating site that I've had for a couple years, since I came home from Korea.  I've met with a number of different guys, a few nice ones, lots of shitty ones, but nobody I was particularly interested in.  I most enjoyed the option to answer questions about myself, which in itself was this great opportunity to learn about myself and what I wanted (and where my boundaries are).  I let Toby take me for granted for so very long, where the only effort ever put into the friendship or relationship we had was MY effort, and all the essential things I want from a relationship I agreed not to demand from him because he couldn't "make any promises."  This time, damn it, I'm going to establish those imperatives ahead of time, and I won't back down from what I want.

I guess as the school year was winding down, I was craving attention and companionship again, so I reactivated my account in late May.  Something wonderful happened...I found *exactly* what I'm looking for.  I think.

To be brief and vague about it, I'll just say that this man is incredibly intelligent, handsome, athletic, hilariously witty, tall enough, educated, and hard working.  He just moved to Tucson after getting his post-grad degree. He and I have been corresponding for three weeks; long, in-depth emails and text message conversations that have been remarkably open, honest, and easy.  He knows what I went through with my dad because he went through something profoundly similar.  He loves dancing, singing, and martial arts.  He is incredibly talented in conversation!  He has gone OUT OF HIS WAY to show me and tell me that he's interested and attracted!  I'm sold.  Hook.  Line.  Sinker.

I haven't met him in person yet, so I'm fostering insecurities about my physique and how I'm not at my ideal svelte leanness this summer, and I've been scrutinizing all my own tiny flaws for days because I have little else to do.

Here's the thing though...I want nothing more than to present myself in the most honest way possible to him, no guards, no games, no pretending.  Here is this man who understands what I tell him without me having to beat the details out (and I refer specifically to my childhood rife with abusive adults), and not only does he not judge me, he can reword it back to me in such an understanding way that it relaxes my muscles in my back and shoulders.  I don't have to be afraid of what he knows about me.

I'm not in love, but I want nothing more right now than to connect my soul to his soul.  I'm totally fixated on this feeling.  It's probably me being overly visceral and I know I run the risk of pouring my heart out too quickly and running him off.  I can't forget that he JUST moved here and started his life in Tucson TODAY, so I am forcing myself to back the hell off and give him some space.

I just want him so badly.  I want this so badly.  I can't wait until we meet :)