more than crumbs

There was a stretch of my history, not so distant, when I did not understand how to love.

I certainly thought I did, and I attempted to use words like, "I love you," and such things to that effect, but I was stuck--blocked somewhere within in some way that prevented me from truly loving.

What I was doing instead was taking.  I had to rely on the affection and gestures of others to "prove" to myself that I was worthy.  That input from my friends, my boyfriend, my family, had to outweigh the deep shame and contempt I held for myself.

In these relationships with others, I was not coming from a place of honesty or authenticity, because when I did that, my horrifying demons would emerge and I would see them and cringe...ultimately I drove myself away.  I fled into the shadows and kept my truths in the dark, where they bled my energy away.  In order to maintain such a façade, I sought others who were similarly hiding their own shadows.  I stayed for five years with someone who kept me more than a stone's throw from his scars, so I only barely knew about what he had been through.

Because I had insisted on that distance from my own wounds, I mingled most comfortably with other wounded, damaged people who could only operate from that pained place and were very limited in what they could give.  So in true co-dependent fashion, we were compensating for one another's shortcomings and felt incredibly taxed, while also requiring that the other prove our "worthiness" of love to us.

I became a "crumb-taker," and would accept the barest minimum in terms of emotional closeness, just so that I could feel desirable, and maintain a status of "taken."  I always wanted more, I desperately yearned for more, but was never honest with myself about the arrangement I had agreed to.

The flip-side of that was that if I was a "crumb-taker," I must also have been a "crumb-giver," which in itself is my most recent revelation.  I could not give myself wholly with love because, in all honesty, I was not whole in Love.  I did not love myself.  I did not see myself as lovable, and as long as I could not see myself with affection, I selfishly made only a false image of myself available for anyone else.

With much effort and struggle, I managed to identify the serious blockages in my spirit--the sources of my crippling self-hatred and agony, and eventually forgive myself for not being perfect.  Luckily, when you practice forgiving by starting with yourself, it becomes a lot easier to forgive others.  You tend to see them as flawed, just like you are.  You have a bit more perspective on the source of their pain, and how it might manifest itself in "symptoms" that hurt you inadvertently.

The beautiful thing about Love is that it compounds itself with little effort.  Once I started loving authentically, the fire grew hotter and brighter and ignited everything around it.  The more you love, the easier it becomes to Love.  The more you forgive, the easier it is to forgive.  The more you smile, the more you dance, the more you embrace, the more you relax, the more you reflect, the more you exercise compassion, the easier they all become.

I truly believe that I am where I am today, this very minute, because every step I've made on this journey up to this point.  I could not have ascended to this point without first being willing to climb.  I would never have discovered the treasures at the top if I hadn't ascended to this point.  It makes sense that the rewards I can give thanks for were hard-earned and I would not have deserved nor appreciated them without the requisite effort.

Love is easy, but it takes work.  It takes focus.  It takes flexibility and patience.  It takes a willingness to learn about yourself and others.  It takes authenticity.  It takes you.

I am no longer a crumb-taker, and I have redefined my position--I attempt to limit my expectations.  Today is enough, because today is the present, and the present is a gift.  And there is love in every moment of it, and it is exactly enough.