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I've checked out. I have no focus and no drive to complete anything. Once again those little nagging voices in the back of my head tell me that people don't like me, that I'm not good at my job, that I'm disappointing everyone, that I'm responsible for everything that's going wrong. I'm not content or satisfied with my body, my teaching style, my relationships with my friends, or what I'm planning to do with myself when I uproot once more and move overseas.
Korea, for all its quirks and befuddlements and frustrating idiosyncrasies, is my home. It's what I know, it's familiar, and it has provided me extensive shelter during the economic storm that seems much more severe back in the States. Leaving what I know and diving into the unknown, again, is obviously good for me and won't kill me...but it's severely distracting.
I have a lot to do and I don't feel like I'm good enough for it, recently anyway, and it's hampering my ability to get things accomplished, which compounds my feelings of ineptitude. My interests are scattered all over the place, and my brain and personality feel just as scattered. I'm so tired today!
Yesterday, without even proofreading it, I sent an email to my mom as an attempt to confront the issues I have with the way she treats me (and my grandma, and my brother). We'll see if she even acknowledges I said anything. That's the thing with emotional abuse: she won't even admit it's happening, and therefore I am just wrong because I'm overreacting and she's completely justified in doing anything she wants whenever she feels so inclined. I approached it very gently, without being too vague, and expressed only a portion of the iceberg of issues I have with her. I just don't know where it will go. Maybe I'm being extra hard on myself because it scares me to even go near reality with my mom.
It's terrifying.
2 comments:
I haven't checked blogs in MONTHS. I apologize for not being involved more in your posts. I feel very connected to what you've written here. I hope that you are still brewing over these feelings and what to do with them... it's nice to be able to express how you them so openly with us, even though it's frustrating to feel this way. I need to address my own emotions ivolving my frustrations with my identity. I don't think I want to understand myself... which must be very difficult for Aaron, friends, family and new people I meet. I feel like I abuse myself in a way by not addressing things. There's something wrong and I can't quite tell what it is. All this said, I'm going to work on it. I'm going to try to be better at vocalizing it, and more truthful with myself in recognizing exactly what it is I'm feeling... I don't want to end up doing what your mom did to you by not addressing things. So for that wake up call, I thank you. And I hope that she gets back to you on what you wrote to her in the e-mail. Let me know how that goes. Most importantly here, I love you.
robin i love you too. my mom sent me an apology, sometime in the week following that. i can't remember the last time she has owned up or expressed any kind of remorse for her reckless words and other abusive behavior. this was a major step. i never really check blogs and i absolutely don't take it personally that you have other things to do besides read my silly drivel. God bless you, dear.
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