same sad song

Having distanced myself for a significant time from frequent interpersonal interactions with my mother, I'd venture that it has allowed me a great deal of room to grow and heal. I want to love my mom, despite how hurtful she has been to me my entire life, and I want to have a positive, decent relationship with her. The idea of cutting that part out and not speaking to her again is almost out of the question, but the way she treats me, still, from so far away, makes me wonder if I would be better off.

When I do talk to her, she frequently cuts me off without letting me make a point or finish my statement, regardless of the topic. If it has to do with money, she simply can't be wrong. It's so difficult to discuss MY money matters and my approaches with her infallible, credit-is-evil stance, especially when for six years I've had a loan and credit cards and I'm not drowning in debt. What I'm doing is working for me, but I can't even tell her calmly about my mature money decisions, because her convictions are superior and she will cut me off mid-sentence to rant.

Not to mention, she'll openly slam my brother, or my dad, or my grandma. Three people I love and value, one of whom is dead, one of whom is in her last few years, and one with whom I should have a healthy relationship for the rest of my life. She doesn't hold back when she's feeling hateful, and she will criticize anyone and everyone. She especially does not treat me with respect when she is annoyed or angry.

***

I have to learn to let it go, to forgive it and accept it, and see it for what it is: her problem.

***

So in a different arena, I am thinking hard about the possibility of myself as a mother. Being surrounded by wonderful, adorable, bright, creative and affectionate children every day tugs hard at my maternal tendencies and encourages those hormones to amplify the sound of the "biological clock." Not that I feel like I'm getting older, but I feel zestful and young enough to remember my childhood and relate to my future children's experiences (at least somewhat). I feel healthier and more confident, but sometimes I wonder if I'm still under the power of all the emotional and physical and sexual abuse; I never, ever want to become an abuser. I will go to therapy forever to avoid it. I wish therapy were more available in Korea...or at least more accessible and affordable.

Wanting to have my own family is echoing pretty loudly in the back of my head, but being single and living in one of the worst countries for expatriate females to date a local means I'm still far, far away from that dream. It is kind of a dream. To add to that, I would like to heal some more, because I still think I'm a bit broken, and I would just end up breaking my kids.

***

There's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that Toby and I have an amazingly open and honest communication and long-distance pseudo-relationship. There is definitely no commitment involved, no expectations (usually), and we respect each other and marvel daily at how the other has grown and changed for the better. We support each other. We are best friends. We love each other very much.

The bad news is that I have thought of Toby this whole time as the man I'm meant to end up with. I like to entertain the idea of having his kids and his last name. I've wrapped my mind around him for over a decade, and I decided I didn't want to play the field any longer. On his side, however, he is just barely eking his way towards adulthood. He doesn't want kids, he isn't thinking about marriage, and he still wants to explore the field sexually. I can't fault him for that, obviously; it's his path and he's on it and that's just the fact of the matter. Besides that, I already had those experiences because my path took me there at a much earlier age. I'm finished with that. I'm not drawn by the mystery and taboo nature of a threesome, or kissing a girl, or serial one-night-stands. Now, those things are just old news.

So the decision I will have to make eventually is how to move on and attach my heart to another man. I've been dating, of course, and that's fine and it brings moderate satisfaction, briefly. Seoul is a dating desert, and the few men I've met who are interested in me are either really clingy or detached to a fault. I prefer the latter, obviously, because I can wash my hands of them much sooner. Because I've always, deep-down, remained loyal to Toby, at least in the long run, I wasn't really invested in having anything long-term with any boy here. Though it would be nice to have something work out and just be comfortable. My tentative residence here seems to have given me super powers of singledom. Having been with Toby for so long, I appreciate now having the liberty of doing whatever I want, all the time. Being single is hard to get used to, and sometimes I mistake it for being alone.

I am looking forward to the opportunity of dating around in a more mature category of men, preferably with no kids or ex-wives, who swoon over me and have realistic expectations and want to spend time with me. I'm not interested in watching another man grow up while I wait. Moving back to the States, even if it's only briefly, will probably be good for my confidence level.

***

Blah blah blah. I just talk about myself all the time. Blah blah blah.