At some Point in Space

I bought two mice.  The day after Bill broke up with me, actually.  On my way home from a movie I saw with my AP Biology students.

I wanted presence in my house.  I wanted something warm, something that responds.

So I came home with two tiny girls: Cinnamon and Nutmeg.  I call them the Spice Girls, though really I just say their sweet little names to them.  I set up their little colorful plastic cage, got them all cozy and fed, and they made themselves at home.

They sure do run in that wheel a lot.  I figured I should give them a little wheel to run around the house.  At first, I could only convince Nutmeg to climb into my hand, so I could get her in the ball.  She seemed to get the hang of it right away.

Cinnamon was much more reluctant.  She's actually pretty hesitant to get into my hand ever, but we're working on the trust thing.  Eventually, actually last Tuesday (Christmas Eve), I got her and had her try it out.  She went all over the house, bumping into my feet as I baked pumpkin pies to bring up to Phoenix.  And then...I stopped getting bumped.  And then I saw the empty ball.  No mouse to be found.

I had a schedule, sadly, and I figured she'd be fine for a few days around the house.  I hoped I'd find her as soon as I came home, and on Sunday afternoon I came home with my ears peeled.  I didn't locate her until the evening, in my closet, but she's FAST!  I left the top open on the cage a little each day, I'm not sure why...but I thought I spotted something like a mouse climbing up the outside of the cage...but when I took a closer look, nothing. So I kept looking.  It's been two days, and I've tried drawing her out with food and into my little metal trap.  No luck :(

Now it's New Year's Eve.  The food I put out last night wasn't there anymore.  I went to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu this morning, and came home.  Nutmeg was cozy and adorable inside a sock I'd placed in the loft tower, and as I talked to her, whaddaya know!  There's Cinnamon inside the cage.  I suppose it makes sense; they're best friends and this was Cinnamon's safe place with plenty of food and water and bedding.  The apartment is too rough a terrain for a little baby mouse.

Honestly, I'm shocked that I found her, and that she took herself home!  Wonderful way to end the year.

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This year....in reflection.  It's been the best year of my life, I figure.  Ups and downs.  Lots of lessons.

I've had my resolve challenged.  I've had to employ newly learned lessons and seek tranquility and spiritual growth while feeling strained and doubtful.  The world has continued to turn and many problems have sorted themselves out, as long as I believed it.  Why am I still so doubtful?

I've certainly grown in some aspects tremendously.  I've had the chance to love some of the most profoundly beautiful people.  I've been very loved by all of them.  My mother and I developed a much stronger friendship.  I've bonded deeply with my students, last year's and this.

I've worked my ass off at work and in school.  There were probably lots of things I could have done that I blew off, but I made an effort not to break myself down.  I spent all of this past quarter sick with bronchitis and a sinus infection, but this is when my current kids and I really fell in love.

I got to work in a biochemistry lab and I laughed every day.  I rode my bike for miles in the summertime, and I got a good tan!

That summer job paid for my trip to Southeast Asia!!!  I went to Thailand, visited Malaysia, and had layovers in Taiwan.  I questioned what I learned about myself out there; I questioned why I was unsatisfied and what it was that I might really be needing.

I have many kinds of love in my life, but I realized I really want romantic love.  Crazy, delirious love.

I think this year has been about grooming me to be that carefree, infatuated lover whose fuse is longer and whose adoration is genuine and pure.  I've realized that I can be that person, up to a point, where fear causes my panicked guards to heave massive fences around my warm, welcoming courtyard.  I'm quite flighty when it comes to romantic love.

Hence, my countless romantic encounters this year.

I dug myself a tiny bit further out of debt, though you'd never know it from the bill collectors' incessant phone calls.  I'd say I chiseled about $1500 of what I owed this time last year.  Goddamned slow going, this process.

I've been a heartbreaker, and jeez it's a tough business.  I mean, I'd like to be the object of affection and attention without hurting people's feelings!  I may have encouraged a couple of them, unfortunately, and in one case it worked out fine and in the other the guy had a meltdown.  There's no predicting that, and it certainly wasn't about me.

I've gained and lost weight but overall, I feel good in my curves.  I always see it as a work in progress, as a way to stay excited about movement and a reason to try different things.

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There was someone, at some point in this past year, who I met in person (the first in ages) who was really charming and attentive.  We got lunch together, and drinks, and went to an Insect Festival for our first date.  Things moved very slowly.  Things seemed to pause often.  My personal work on growth and self-compassion were still the utmost priority.

Then Bill came around, expressed interest, and I dove into that so blindly and excitedly that we both burned out in a few weeks.  It had no potential.  We weren't right together.  And this first someone, whom I'd spent more time with, whose friends I'd met, flowed more slowly, like an underground stream.

A stream that stayed steady.

There's this thing about listening.  Standing quietly in the desert and letting the rustling leaves and the birdsongs and the sunlight say what they will.  It's a patient thing.  You let yourself accept whatever the world wants to tell you.  It won't do to step foot into such a world and decide what it knows, where it's going, what it all means.  It won't do in any world.

This year, 2014, is the year of my Goddess.  This is the year of my peace, of my connection, of my new growth.  I've spent two years pruning away dead and dying branches; clearing out the unnecessary so that my spirit can be light and shine brightly.  Love resonates better in a heart that is intact.  My pieces have all been reassembled.

And now, with this same someone, who holds me tightly, cares how I feel, tends to me thoughtfully, I find myself slowing down.  Breathing it in.  Letting this moment be now.  Needing less from tomorrow.  I'm learning patience.  I'm allowing love.  I'm letting fear repel off me like droplets of water on well-oiled feathers.  Because now.

I realize that two years of healing have been necessary to bring me here.  I would have nothing, or perhaps far less, to keep for myself to steady my ground, had I found these circumstances too early.  I rejoice in the perfection of Universal timing.  My heart is full and joyful.  I'm grateful for the moment's Peace.