FUCK.

Oh God, the crushing reality that I'm not in any legitimate relationship, not even a budding one.  The terrifying realization that I have single-handedly destroyed the potential for something because even my very best efforts were UTTERLY worthless.

I'm doing it all wrong.  And in my fear and panic of not being capable of a healthy relationship, I take the slightest sign of distance as the first sign of the inevitable end.  God damn you, Toby.  You've ruined me.

So, insecurities trump me once again.  I'm back where I was, just exactly where I was, overworked and underappreciated and attention-starved.  Spending my time quietly panicking in my classroom late after hours or in my new, unfamiliar apartment.

What do I need to be happy?  Seriously, what is missing?  And how do I get it?

I need a turn-around.  A complete overhaul.  Because all this failing at life is fucking miserable.