reconciliation

I am sad.  It doesn't control every activity I engage in, every expression on my face, or every interaction I have with people, but I am carrying a deep and penetrating sadness around with me every day.

I'm making peace with the fact that the situation with Noah was unsustainable, fundamentally unhealthy, and expressly laid out from the beginning.  There were points where he seemed like he was changing his mind about refusing to consider a long-term, serious relationship; maybe those were times he was actually on the fence.  He ultimately settled back on his original pronouncement that he was not looking for a girlfriend and that this was not serious.  I'm a mixture of disappointment and annoyance that I accepted the challenge of waiting it out.

I eventually became, for lack of a better description, addicted to Noah.  Spending time with him was calming, pleasant, and predictable.  There was never any sort of drama or conflict (between the two of us), which I was wholly drawn to, and I enjoyed participating in his many tales and adventures, whether he was relating them to me from his past or reiterating events I had been involved in.  The oral tradition was fun, and it gave me a role among the others in his life.

relations

Three and a half months later, the dust hasn't settled, there are no complete solutions, and this man that I am in love with is still actively contacting me.  I've told him--looked into his eyes and told him--that I love him and I probably won't stop.  I had hoped that this would convince him to either avoid me for a long enough time to start getting over him or recognize that he loves me too and doesn't want to play this halfway game anymore.

Either way, I need this saga to end.  I need finality.  My heart can't handle having a few days, a week, to scab over, only to have him reappear, jovial and interested, to tear out the stitches and rub the new scabs away.  I am so raw and vulnerable, and my heart is simultaneously full and broken when he reaches out to me again, when I see him, when we spend another night together.

I'm so tired of trying to guess his meaning.  He may require his "freedom" and want things on his fickle terms, but it is devastating me emotionally.

Here's where the challenge lies with me:  how and where do I draw boundaries to begin preventing this man from accessing my heart?  What a horrifying thought--to actively bar my object of LOVE from my life!  But I can make no progress with his weekly re-emerging.  What will I choose for my own safety, for my own healing, and for my own peace of mind?

Admittedly, it is slightly comforting to know that this man is unwilling and possibly unable to walk away from what we have had together.  He's doing it to himself, without realizing that he's doing it to me too, but I don't think he can help it.  Of course, it's a bittersweet condolence to know that he can't avoid his feelings for me.  It's his internal conflict that I can't quite understand.

It's really not complicated--either you love me or you don't.  You want to be with me, or you don't.  There is no middle ground, it is not sustainable, and I don't want something grey and amorphous.

I want someone who is not at odds with himself over loving me, seeing a future with me, committing to me.  I want someone whose heart swells and grows warm when he tells me he loves me.

I really shouldn't be so conflicted either--I could decide that this man who can't bring himself to openly love me or commit to me is NOT for me and continue on my way.  I could stop the self-destructive pattern of being cheerfully available when he comes around every week.

The thing is, whether he admits it to me or to himself, Noah obviously loves me.  He obviously wants to be around me, respects, adores, and values me.

My boundaries need to start growing in healthy places.  Commence...

get that ball rolling

there was never any question where my passion lay.  it has always come as an uncomplicated gravitation to the intricacies of living creatures, of their roles and interactions, and i've always paid close attention.  in fact it consumed my attention.

it consumed my compassion.  i have been a vegetarian (or at least mostly so) since i was a teenager.  protecting the environment, even in the small way i could contribute, even one animal or plant at a time, became my role.  i have felt a deep sense of responsibility to preserve the health of this fragile, deeply beautiful, and universally precious mosaic of life.

my entire education has been focused around learning these ecological relationships.  as a teacher, even as a substitute, my emphasis has been on recognition and reverence of nature.  as a biology teacher, i have had an exceptional opportunity to introduce and inspire many hundreds of young minds to how life works, while pitching my conservation philosophy.  i've always believed education is a cornerstone of conservation, and as these kids become familiar with molecular, biochemical, intra- and inter-species interactions, they appreciate and value nature.

i believe that the comprehensive approach to ecological conservation of habitat restoration and preservation, setting aside wilderness areas, encouraging community activism and involvement, and reducing/offsetting the fragmentation of habitats in urban settings by incorporating native landscaping, installing nature corridors, and emphasis on sustainability in planning infrastructures.

the present state of ecological conservation is based on complicated policies that are at odds with economic growth.  in order to participate and contribute effectively, i believe i must be familiar with these challenges and understand how to navigate through these policies.  i've had my eye on a conservation biology masters program for seven years, and in the time that i've considered and pursued many other programs, this path has only become more compatible with my goals and experiences.

i'm the only scientist in my family.  though my parents strongly emphasized the importance of education, they did not pursue post-graduate degrees, and so i will be the first in my family to earn a masters and then hopefully a doctoral degree.

my achievements have always been hard-won, because i set high standards for myself and believe in honoring what i believe in by pursuing my goals with integrity.  i worked full time and attended school full time, and am concurrently teaching high school biology and ap bio while finishing the last few courses necessary to earn a secondary teaching certification.  my experiences have humbled me and inspired me; even one person can influence a movement.  i believe this masters program can help me reach the potential of my strengths and to help me apply my experiences to a career in applied conservation/habitat restoration.

i am strongest in a dynamic environment with challenges that require creative, compassionate, and resourceful problem-solving.  i feel my strengths are very compatible with the pursuits of this program.

reconvening

I don't know.  The only comfort is that nobody knows what the hell they're doing.  Nobody's got the answers, or can give the perfect advice, or can fix anything for anyone else.  I'm definitely not pretending to be graceful or appropriate.

My heart feels this way.  It feels this way and sometimes I act on things without stopping myself, with little foresight (because I have none), and I can't hide my feelings from anyone.

So Noah texted me earlier this week, to say hi basically, but also because he was clearly thinking about me.  I welcomed his conversation and told him I was happy to hear from him, and that of course I've been thinking about him.  We chatted a few minutes, and that was it.  In my head, nothing has changed, it's still a hopeless situation with no future between us, and I'm centered and collected.

But that's not really how I feel.  I feel like my heart is exploding for him, I'm angry that he obviously cares for me and misses me, but that he's scared of a relationship, and I crave his tenderness and attention.

That craving overcame me, and I felt like really I could meet him for drinks to catch up and that it would be platonic with little trouble, because I really just missed his company and wanted to know about how he's been.  I text him after work a few days ago, and invited him to meet me the next night, and didn't hear from him.  I grimaced as I told a friend that I hoped he didn't reply, so it wouldn't end up being the obvious temptation that I might not be able to withstand.  I continued not hearing from him that night, and imagined that I might have lucked out.

Well the next day he did accept my invitation.  And he seemed to be genuinely looking forward to it.

I met him at the Shelter, picked right up where we left off, talked cheerfully and easily as old friends, and at some point he mentioned his dismay that a friend of his had given up on a relationship.  He emphasized how much he believed in relationships, and I stopped him.  "This...coming from Noah?"  He said he believed in them, he just didn't know what to do with a relationship.  I left it alone.

After a few hours it was obviously time for us to call it a night.  He walked me to my car, and I gave him a hug, which I neglected to pull away from.  So we stood there, for at least ten minutes, embracing.  We exchanged "I've really missed you"s and tightened our arms around one another.  He kneaded his hands into my back, and I worked my fingers into his tight neck muscles.  I said I was sorry for still holding on to him, and he said he wasn't about to stop me.  He sighed, and then said, "I'm half-tempted to suggest that we finish this backrub the right way at my house."  For a minute, I didn't say anything, but then I said, "If I say yes, will you say yes?"

"If you say yes, I'll definitely say yes.  It might be a huge mistake, but I would say yes."  He told me.  So we pulled apart and agreed to meet at his place.

Noah has always fallen over himself to do kind and generous things for me.  He insisted that I get a massage first, because he "owed" me.  It was so appreciated, because I really did need the work on my muscles, and because I could feel his heart pouring onto me.  And at the end of it, I just happened to be shirtless.  And then it was his turn, and I got to touch him again, and care for him and tend to him.

Being intimate with Noah has always been better when we were more sober.  I felt very present, because I wanted to experience every detail.  I needed it, his touch, his embrace, his passion for me.  I needed to have him wrapped around me as he fell asleep.

I don't pretend that this means anything for us, as if we might get back together.  He's still obviously in a bromance with his friends, and they serve as easy insulation in a pinch (read: when the fear of getting too close kicks in).  But I'm sorting it out again, from a much more complicated angle, because that whole night it was very obvious that this man loves me.  He mentioned in many ways how he likes people like me for a host of flattering reasons.  He said we definitely need to hang out more often.  He kept my self-portrait that I sneakily took on his phone a day or so after he got it.  He mentioned how he was telling his family about my brother's woes with a recall part for his hybrid, and how they had a big discussion about it.  He paid very close attention to my subtle stretching out my aching back, and insisted I explain why it hurt so much.  He told me how I ought to meet his mom, because she and I could relate to one another about our passion for art history.  He knows me well, he gets me, and he takes care of me.

And dammit I'm so angry that he's afraid of a serious relationship with me.  How can my feelings for him change?  I told him that night, "Noah, it's you.  It's you.  You don't like me saying this, but you're special."  And I mean that.  And of course he balked at it, but it's true.

Maybe I've fucked myself over by not being strong.  I don't know how I'm going to replace a man like him.  I don't know how I'd ever hope to trump the incredibly high standards he has set for men I date.  Hopefully this isn't going to leave me on the brink of tears for another two months.  At least the communication between us is a little more forthcoming, at least in the areas where it wasn't before.

I'm angry that the situation isn't any different.  Well, maybe it's different in some ways, like I drew my line in the sand, and I got things off my chest I should have done ages earlier.  But also, maybe he has gotten to see what his life is like without me in it, and how I was a good thing for him.

Anyway, the energy I poured unabashedly into him and his life and his social circle I am now reserving more for myself, my friends, my garden, and my students.  I'm dating a little and I've already seen how other men still can't compare to him.  I am trying to honor my center and my need to be centered.  I'm not going to obsess over this heartache forever, and I'm going to let myself heal, dammit.

But I think I can already see that I'll be in love with this man all my life.  Whether that means anything for our paths down the line, who's to say?  I'm nobody and I've got no answers.  I just want to love and I'm trying to survive my pursuit of it.

reemergence

Sadness has a particular weight, a palpable flavor, and a noticeable drag on one's momentum.  If one is fortunate enough to have supportive, compassionate friends who forgive the momentary lapse in bubbliness and positive outlook, who encourage one to embrace the sadness for its lessons and transformative properties, one might emerge from sadness a better, stronger person.

A long time ago...well, let's say it was just a year ago, actually, I went to the plant nursery and bought a large milkweed in a pot.  It had a thriving ant colony in the soil, it had blooms, and mature, ripe pods with fluffy seeds poking out.  I was so excited to start attracting native pollinators, in this case queen and monarch butterflies, to my back yard, which at the time was still at an undecided level of productivity.

I collected the seeds from the pod once I got home, put them in a baggie, and waited eagerly for signs of caterpillar consumption.  One day I found one!  A lovely little white-, black-, and yellow-striped creature clinging to a long, narrow stem.  I imagined this was just the beginning of a prolific butterfly raising farm in my tiny patch of earth.

The next time I checked, the caterpillar was gone, with no evidence of its transformation or clues to its whereabouts.  In fact, what I found was much worse--some of my plant was actually gone!  It was clipped at the base of the stem, a few inches from the soil.  Each day that I checked, more was gone, until I finally discovered that a wood rat had been destroying half of my back yard.  After a number of months, I was able to trap her and relocate her to the desert to make a life for herself that was less pesky to humans.  But my garden had taken a serious hit while she foraged daily; cactuses, pepper plants, okra sprouts, agave, and various other things were either severely damaged or completely demolished.  The milkweed was gone.

I had given up on my yard for a while; I wouldn't go out there and some other sad events made sitting in my own little space rather unappealing.  Grim.  My recycling overflow was basically the only purpose my back patio served for months.

Then spring came around.  The temperatures warmed up a little bit, some sunlight started making it over the building, and shining directly onto the soil.  I got inspired to start sowing seeds, watering, and cleaning it up a bit.  Feeling impatient for a result, I increased my efforts and planted more seeds, in a greater variety, and watered longer.  I planted the old milkweed seeds in the original pot with its compatible soil.  I put all manner of vegetable seeds in pots and in the amended soil I made, and I started composting my fruit and veggie scraps in the least productive section of my yard.  I kept watering.  I tidied up a bit.

I saw a few sprouts right away, actually.  The morning glories came first; they're so reliable and they volunteer themselves every summer.  My squash and green beans burst out of the ground.  My succulents flourished.  I spent more and more time barefoot and tending to these little green organisms who rewarded my attention with sturdy stems, broad, lovely leaves, and rapid growth.  My compost heap erupted cantaloupe sprouts, and the vines quickly and vigorously spread everywhere.  I was inspired to plant more seeds, including watermelon, okra, peppers, tomatoes, and succulent clones.  My yard was taking off!

It wasn't without hope, it wasn't just resting, recovering.  Taking the necessary time to deal with difficult conditions.  It was always going to rebound, in due time, with the right investment of love, attention, and resources.

I've been planting new seeds in my love life, too.  There was a little lag time, which made me worry that I wasn't putting the right vibes out there, that I wasn't being a positive magnet for my own experiences, but really I guess the seeds just needed time to germinate.  Time and the right combination of love.

My garden suffered when I stopped cultivating it; I could very possibly have grown winter vegetables, herbs, and fruits, if I had tried anything at all.  Instead, all I could focus on was what was lost and grieve over that loss.  But when I finally poured my loving energy into it, it flourished and shined love at me in return.

My heart has also suffered these past couple of months that I have been grieving.  My worries and doubts took over like weeds in my untended plot of land.  I neglected fighting them off, moving them out of my healthy space.  I took time to let my plot rest during the difficult conditions, and when it was time I began removing those weeds of doubt and fear.  I started showering my heart with love again.  I planted seeds of hope and gratitude, and trusted that they would survive.  I watered and they returned.  And now my heart is a healthy, lush, green garden of love and optimism again.  My garden is an extension of my heart.  Those peaceful vines and herbs and shrubs and tiny beasts occupying that tiny space are inseparable from my heart.

That love energy flows through and throughout.  The energy pools and sometimes is impeded but only needs some tending to flow freely again.

rehearsal

Please forgive me for this impersonal delivery--I ought to just talk to you like I always should have, but I'm scared of talking feelings and clamming up or stumbling over my words. I've got no guts. I'm an emotional person and I'm terrified that I'll cry my eyes out if I pour my heart out. This has been a month of painful heartache for me, since I'm just enamored with you but it seemed one-sided and I felt foolish for giving you my heart when you didn't want it. I adore your friendship, and had anticipated taking some time and space to pull myself together so that I could be a good friend to you, but seeing you everywhere and hearing from you has confused my heart, and I worry that I'm misunderstanding and misinterpreting your attention. I love being in your presence, and I'm so sorry that I do not have the courage to simply express something this important. I miss you like crazy, but I thought you made it clear that you had priorities that did not involve having a girlfriend. I wasn't expecting to change your mind on my behalf, but I realized that that's what I really wanted from you--your heart. I owe you so much more than this awful text message, but I am in limbo and cannot make sense of this in my head.

recognition

My mom has been prompting me to write this for over a week, an entry about the positives and the good times so that I can etch into my mind that there was a bright side to this deep sense of loss that I'm feeling.

Noah is a wonderful man.  He is a good and intuitive friend, he is an exceptionally hard working employee, he gets his affairs taken care of and he shows an obvious sense of allegiance to his family.  He is talented in countless areas--musically, with mechanics and electronics, scientifically, and in all manner of recreational sports and activities--profoundly so.  He can fix anything, or will cheerfully attempt to.  He is generous and friendly and kind to friends and strangers.  He notices details and is a brilliant problem solver.

Noah has incorporated me into his entire social world without abandon, sharing fishing and camping trips, social parties and get-togethers, sports events, relaxing at home and doing chores or various repair projects around the house.  He has involved me in his many excursions and tales afterwards.  I've been a part of the regular events in his life, and he in mine, increasingly for the last six months.

I have gotten to do a lot of amazing things I wouldn't have otherwise had the opportunity to do, like re-learn how to fish, see and camp in some beautiful areas in Arizona, and learn how to confidently shoot pistols, rifles, and shotguns.  I got to work on his old Suburban with him and never felt underestimated or incapable of offering any sort of help.

Noah stood up for me when I felt like his friend was just unnecessarily antagonistic with me.  He's been honest with me about his family, his past, his job, and his relationship preferences.  He gets my sense of humor, and respects my confidence and independence.  He has set a wonderful example of a light-hearted disposition with a high tolerance for stress and a very accepting attitude of the individuality of people...he is entirely non-judgmental.

So the unfortunate side of it is that I found this man whom I really think the world of, and he's made his mind up long before I ever found him that having a girlfriend just isn't his thing.  He told me this back in November and then again sometime in January or February, and then again in March or April, that he just doesn't want a relationship.  I really thought that I was okay with leaving it at that, and that my feelings for him could just stay where they were.  But I became much more attached and he didn't.  When I asked him a couple weeks ago what his feelings for me were, he repeated that he wasn't in this relationship on a serious level and didn't see himself really wanting a long-term girlfriend.  I tried to wrap up the conversation with my continued interest in dating him casually, but trying to re-calibrate my feelings for him to something less has been an impossible struggle and he didn't attempt to reassure me with any behavior.  In fact, I read his body language as becoming more distant and platonic.  He definitely reassures me that he things I'm so cool, which is why he bent his own rules and invited me into his life for this time.

But being an exception to someone's personal rule is not for me.  He's not enthusiastic about my company any longer, and often seems like he's avoiding my company in favor of his guy friends', and I am simply not interested in being a crumb-taker.

Naturally, I'm hurting, and trying to sort out what feels like grief and loss and what feels like anger over being dismissed.  It's a damn shame, because I think he's the very best guy I've ever dated, and other than his habit of smoking and drinking beer far more than he should, I can't seem to find fault with him.  He's my kind of man, and I'm so deeply disappointed to lose him...even though I can picture a possibly platonic friendship sometime in the future.

But here's the handful of important lessons I've learned (or am starting to learn) from this experience:

1. I finally had a healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy (and mostly baggage-free) man who treated me well
2. I attracted a good great man
3. Throughout much of this relationship, I enjoyed an unbridled sense of contentment with and respect for this man
4. I'm convinced that I did not make any mistakes, and that my feelings of love were real and well-founded.  I treated him the way I should have and I maintained my own personal and social life that did not depend on him.  I do not think that I misinterpreted his affections, either, because for a long time he embraced me passionately and--I believe--sincerely
5. As part of my own personal growth, I am more able to recognize when a relationship is not providing the things I need from it, and am able to say that I can have healthier expectations from relationships and maintain healthier boundaries
6. *This one I am still trying to internalize* There are good men out there, with whom I will have incredible compatibility and chemistry, and I will absolutely find one who falls in love with me while I am also falling in love with him....

I think this last one is a vital lesson for me to learn, because for a long time I have feared that my past experiences permanently warped my ability to be loved by someone else.  I can look at my experience with Noah as a practice round, where I got pretty good at maneuvering a relationship.  The universe is right on schedule, remember?  This is a key event in my timeline.

It was not a mistake that I loved him.  He is a good man to love.  Maybe some day his perspective of being attached and having responsibility to a partner will change, and he'll genuinely want a relationship to last.  It will likely not be me, but I hope he's learned a lot by being with me these last many months.  This is the longest romance I've had in years, the healthiest I've had in my life.

I can only see this experience as a gift, and for that I am grateful.