reconciliation

I am sad.  It doesn't control every activity I engage in, every expression on my face, or every interaction I have with people, but I am carrying a deep and penetrating sadness around with me every day.

I'm making peace with the fact that the situation with Noah was unsustainable, fundamentally unhealthy, and expressly laid out from the beginning.  There were points where he seemed like he was changing his mind about refusing to consider a long-term, serious relationship; maybe those were times he was actually on the fence.  He ultimately settled back on his original pronouncement that he was not looking for a girlfriend and that this was not serious.  I'm a mixture of disappointment and annoyance that I accepted the challenge of waiting it out.

I eventually became, for lack of a better description, addicted to Noah.  Spending time with him was calming, pleasant, and predictable.  There was never any sort of drama or conflict (between the two of us), which I was wholly drawn to, and I enjoyed participating in his many tales and adventures, whether he was relating them to me from his past or reiterating events I had been involved in.  The oral tradition was fun, and it gave me a role among the others in his life.