reacquainting

Something very profound just happened to me today.

The backstory: I am learning a lot about myself lately; my strengths and limitations, my effort level and my habits, and where I have allowed guilt and shame to destroy my self-worth and motivation. So, while I am truly investing myself at work, and in my friendships, I have abandoned myself.

Luckily, my cats have not.

I have focused heavily on pouring good things into the beings around me, and that includes my students, my dear friend in town, my dearest friends out of town, and my coworker friends whom I respect and the animals who rely on me.

And yet, that sense of having a good thing going was dashed by finding out last week that one of my teacher's aides has essentially been falsifying assignment grades for some of his friends, and his own mom tipped me off. I agreed to pursue it, because I had honestly hoped it wasn't true, but when the reality of the situation became clear, I felt betrayed and vulnerable. And furthermore, the students who benefited from augmented grades and didn't confess, I just felt such disappointment with their lack of integrity, at my expense. So, ultimately, the kid got dropped as my TA, and did come and confess and apologize, and it is a situation I feel terrible about because I really did believe in his potential to be better than that. Oh well.

And after a string of apathetic responses to the delightful side of biochemistry, especially the complaining about "having" to make a cheat-sheet for tomorrow's quiz, I have been considerably grumpier and sensitive. Today, a complicated lab I tried to administer outside (for the 5th year), seemed like a risky venture since the glass beakers lined the low brick wall along the sidewalk outside my room. I guarded the damn setup with my life all day, between passing periods, and even brought my lunch outside to stand there and eat while watching it. And literally before my eyes, this (particularly petulant) sophomore boy in my 2nd period, the one who PLACED the beakers on the wall, steps directly over one beaker and shatters it on the rocks below. Then he stoops to pick up the broken shards! I overreacted--yes! I rushed over to stop him from touching them and insisted that he STOP, which offended him, and he bellowed, "Sorry for trying to help!" and stormed off. I retorted, "Yeah, you were helping!" and kicked the rocks. It was unprofessional, and the worst thing is: along came my new principal, having possibly witnessed that scene.

He helped me pick up the broken beaker, and assured me that as a former chemistry teacher this was a familiar occasion. He brought the pieces into the glass waste, and then tidied up after the rest of the setup. It was exceptionally kind, but I was so embarrassed. And I was hurt and angry at that fucking kid! One of my dear young ladies sat with me and ate her lunch while I watched the surviving glassware.

The kid came and talked to me after school to apologize, though he did throw in a dig about the rock-kicking, but I appreciate that he made the effort otherwise. This guy is a pain in my ass, and I have bent over backwards for him and he's constantly off task, talking, or just arguing with me over something. He is bright and curious, but he fucks off too much and I'm sick of his shit. Plus, he's in a class that fucks off too much, so they're the only group that just got slapped with a seating chart. It's the worst real punishment I've enacted on a whole class so far this year. I'm frustrated. That kid frustrates me.

And after drinking a little rum, and wallowing in it for a few hours, I toked a little, bought gas, worked out and danced. On the way to the gym, a young guy on a motorcycle pulled up next to me and yelled my name. It was a kid I had 3 years ago, one of those tremendously troubled kids who had a shitty home life but money and freedom and a job with the family business, so he didn't apply himself at school and eventually stopped coming to school altogether. And yet somehow...he graduated? That was the shady bullshit that went down last year, but maybe finally getting out of high school was what this kid needed. He had a big grin on his face, and when we stopped again at the next red light, he told me he was working a lot and starting community college in the spring.

That is such wonderful news. And such a spooky way for the Universe to reach me. This kid had been such a horrible blight on my experience 3 years ago. His desperate situation inspired my deepest sympathies and my attempts to reach out and help, and he lashed out at me so many times. The following two years, he was so warm and friendly to me, genuinely interacting with me -- he even changed the oil in my car! And here he was, 19 years old, riding a badass bike, covered in all the safe riding gear, looking like he finally had landed on a path.

The Universe spoke to me, and I had an undeniably clear moment of fate. This kid represents the worst problems I had with so many kids, and here he was demonstrating that I in fact had influenced him in a meaningful way, despite all the unprofessional ways I had handled myself as his teacher.

Thanks, Universe. I needed that.