aftermath

Four days later.  I'm making my way, getting by, recovering.  Coping.

Sure, I've had all the emotions.  I've run through all the thoughts, all the ups and downs, the what ifs and possibilities, the fantasies, the annoyance, and the healing process.  I've pictured what my child could have looked like.  I've imagined myself in my impoverished circumstance trying feebly to provide for a child.  And then considering that there would be another income to help pay for child care, the idea of raising my rejection baby with someone who had already "made it clear" that this was an arrangement solely based on the welfare of our progeny...the thought of that humiliation and endless sense of hurt and rejection, with the added responsibility and the sacrifice of my dreams...

Not worth it.  I'm still glad I did it.

Noah came by this weekend for a few hours, to take me to dinner and presumably to spend time with me while I recovered.  He said he'd "be in touch very soon," and I truly hope he does not try to connect with me again.  I hope he stays away.  Spending any kind of time with him makes my heart literally yearn for him, all I feel with my entire being is how much I love that man, and it aches so deeply that he does not share that sense of affection for me, regardless of what his true feelings are.  I can't keep recovering after seeing him.  He just represents hurt.  He just keeps pulling me down, keeping me from healing.

I don't need that.

I'm also tired of changing these super-absorbent maxi pads.  They are fart-trappers.  They are bulky and uncomfortable.  I realize it's a minor issue and I'm willing to deal with it, but I wonder if Noah realizes I'm still dealing with this whole experience while he is officially off the hook.  I want him to leave me alone, even though I know he is a good man who is simply trying to do what seems like the right thing.  I can't ask him to be willing to confront himself and find his freedom to be vulnerable and see that I would be a perfect partner for him.  I would never ask someone to discover how to love me.  But dear lord it hurts to love someone so deeply who is behind a wall.

Whatever.  Some serious changes in my world view have taken place, I feel far less consumed by despair, and I can finally EAT FOOD without gagging!!!

My quality of life has improved dramatically in those two ways.