rewind

I'm so tense today I can't stand it.  It's the last day of final exams and I'm sitting with a group of kids I currently feel no affection for, because they pulled back a few weeks ago during the goddamned bullshit drama with the student council teacher and her active defaming of my reputation.

I've had no refuge from my strife, I've had no glimmer of hope, I've worked at home alone every evening, I've returned to work no more rested or restored than the day before, and I've come to face a group of people who simple take without giving.

I have absolutely nothing left to give.  I'm so fucking furious about being pregnant and having to wait to resolve this situation, three weeks, two weeks, one week, one day, a few hours.  Today is my consultation and ultrasound, but I can't schedule a termination appointment any sooner than 24 hours later, and of course they're closed tomorrow through Sunday.  That means Monday, maybe.  And next week is goddamned Christmas and I have to be available for family activities and drive my miserable ass up to Phoenix and keep my horrible secret all to myself.

I'm furious with Noah and I've had all kinds of angry conversations in my head with him.  I've vowed that this will be the last chapter in this goddamned Noah saga.  It's over.  I'm absolutely fucking fed up with being a crumb taker, being used and hurt carelessly time and time again.  I'm supposed to see him today for this appointment, and I anticipate that he'll pay for anything my insurance won't cover, which I imagine is next to nothing.  And then he'll have to be there for the procedure with payment in-hand, and then I want that selfish motherfucker OUT OF MY LIFE.  Permanently.  I don't want to hear from him, or see him, or pretend he ever cared about me.  I hate his fucking guts and I'm sick to death that I wasted an entire year hoping he'd change his mind.

I'm such a fucking fool.

This has been absolutely the worst, most demanding year I've had in a long time.

Another heartbreak.  A student suicide.  An obvious dead-end in a thankless job with unrealistic expectations and a pitiful salary.  An injury that prevented my regular exercise and eventually defeated my momentum in working out.  An unfortunate amount of weight gain.

And now morning sickness with a pregnancy that couldn't be worse timing with someone I want to avoid for the rest of my life.

Goddamned morning sickness.  It's literally all day long.  It's worse at night when I'm just trying to relax, and every little taste in my mouth makes my whole gut churn.  Luckily I've only vomited a little bit once when I was brushing my teeth, but I basically always feel miserable.

If nothing else, the morning sickness is what's driving me insane and making me desperate for this all to be over.  The sicker I feel, the more I hate Noah.

The more I feel like this is the bottom and I'm doomed.

The more I feel like I'm used up and this is the end of the road.

My consultation is today, immediately after the second final exam, and I want to throw away every moment between now and then to just get it over with.

This year, 2014, is going to end a lot of things.