being patient

I just read these words, "When we are impatient, we are in a hurry for things to be diffferent," and it hit me like a mass of air.

A month ago, I wrote in here that I wasn't going to "bop around and declare my love" for Noah, but since then I have mustered to courage to tell him directly, when I was sober (and terrified), that I really loved him.  He has not returned the declaration, but he hasn't been any less loving to me.  He's been more so, in fact.

My worries are that expressing that I am really in love with him will make him feel uncomfortable and he is being pressured to say it back to me.  He's really not the kind of person who gushes all over, but he is straightforward and articulate when he means to be.  He treats me with respect, does things I ask him to, makes time for me almost every time I request his company (which is surprising because I'm not used to that at all!), is affectionate in public, tries to make me feel better if I'm really down (and it works!), and gives me massages when I'm stressed even if he's nearly comatose.  He (and his friends) talk about plans for this summer and he refers to me as "the Crew" from whom he needs to discuss suggestions.  His roommate (who is moving out next week) talks to me as though I am now a permanent fixture in the "gang," and all his friends seem very comfortable including me in any of their group activities.

He and his roommate were discussing life the other night, and I was tired and laying across Noah's lap and listening.  Noah described his progress into adulthood and the new-found motivation to "grow up" and start living like an adult.  Six months ago, he mentioned frequently how he worked as hard as he did so that he could take it really easy in his personal life.  Now, his attitude seemed to shift toward pulling his shit together some more and having something to show for his hard work.  I'm not sure if that was because I was sitting there and he was telling me indirectly that his priorities had started to shift, but he said it, and I heard it.

A couple weekends ago, I went to watch Game of Thrones at Noah's friend's house, because I was uncertain how I'd catch up on the episodes I'd missed and the friends I usually watched it with were unresponsive to texts.  Noah and his friend went to the store for supplies beforehand, and Noah went off for another social engagement.  When I got to his friend's house, there was a bottle of wine Noah had picked out for me, because I don't drink much beer and he was looking out for me.  I know this man wants me to be happy and to have a good time.

I could cite a hundred examples of how he loves me, so it isn't a question of if he does, but when he will say it.  Maybe even if he ever will.  What if he's never told a girl he loves her?  I'm not nosy and haven't pried into his past love life at all, besides politely engaging him in conversation about things he's already brought up.  I know it's none of my business unless he wants to share, and that's how I feel about my own love life.  He doesn't know most of my dating history, and won't, because it's not what I want to discuss.  If he asked me pointed questions, there's a greater likelihood that I would divulge, but it's very important to me to avoid sharing details on prior relationships because I'm biased against most of them (now that they've ended, of course).

Because I'm not prompting him to share, I also don't think it's my place to ask if he's ever been in love or said it to someone before.  His roommate's wife told me that in the several years she's known him, he hasn't been with anyone significant, and in the six months he's been with me, he has changed quite a bit.  Apparently they all discuss the changes in him.  People in my life talk about how I've changed, too.  I'm calmer and more positive overall.

I've noticed that my own qualms and hangups include looking directly into his eyes.  I just can't seem to do it, even though I used to be able to do that.  Lately I've been making progress, and actually trying to look him in the eyes for a little longer than a glance just before I kiss him.  I had relied mostly on the visceral wave of sensation when we get intimate, which for me is a strong indication of connection, but is probably the result of my relying on physical connection to validate myself most of my life.  Cuddling has been easy; he never shrugs me off.

It's just that in words, I am so much more comfortable.  I crave hearing those things I would happily say, on repeat, because in words I can relate.  I want him to tell me how much he loves me, how beautiful he thinks I am (which he does say sometimes), he happy he is with me, and that he's grateful for me.  I realize that all these things are basically a commitment, because in words things are so much more tangible, so much more concrete.  He openly resisted the idea of even being in a relationship, and has since started agreeing with his friends that I am in fact his girlfriend.

So why am I impatient?  I don't want things to be different.  I love this man and I want him to keep treating me like a friend and a lover.  I'm not sure why I so deeply crave for him to express himself in ways he doesn't seem eager to do.