belonging

I won't lie...I've been in a foul mood lately.

Sure, a lot of it I could blame on hormones and a gradually increasing sense of irritability.  I'm uncomfortable in my body, feeling bloated and gassy, and my clothes are mostly too tight.

There's been a great deal of work stress, very little thanks, and limited feelings of accomplishment.  Honestly, though, even the lovely disposition of so many of my students hasn't been enough to brighten my mood much or for very long.

That sense of elation and gratitude that I often have has been absent, and noticeably so.  And knowing that I'm barreling through the universe without a pervasive sense of awe and wonder makes me feel even worse.  I don't want to be so preoccupied by my own menial troubles that I forget how grand life is.

But you know something, I did not realize just how much I thrive in Noah's company, and he's been gone for two weeks.  We've spent a great deal of time together, and now going a stretch of time without him really makes a difference.  He just got back to town last night, and I finally got to see him again.  I felt myself smiling effortlessly, and laughing with gusto, and it was easy.

And he called me his girl, out loud, more in casual reference than anything, but it was practically a fucking declaration, one I thought I'd never hear.  I'm His Girl!  His friends have referred to me as his girlfriend several times, and he's never corrected them (at least not in front of me), but I don't want to do anything to try and augment the situation.  If he wants me to be his girlfriend, well I'm good and goddamned ready to be!  If not, well I've got other prospects and I'm sure I'll bounce back, even after much heartbreak and resentment has transpired.

But the idea that I am someone's girlfriend is kind of exciting!  Not just any someone, too.  This man has such a good and caring energy, and he makes me feel so safe and important.  I think he's proud of me, and proud to have me.  I think so, anyway.

And then there's his roommate, who I find to often be needlessly contentious and specifically mean to me.  But this man is very important to Noah, and I brought up privately a couple weeks ago that I felt targeted, after feeling frustrated and belittled.  I just felt compelled to say something, but still didn't feel good after revealing it.  Noah responded kindly but I still freaked out internally that I had somehow put a wedge in between them by mentioning that I felt picked on.  Last night he brought it up to me, asking if things were okay and if I felt uncomfortable still...and actually I do now.  I had felt a lot of anger but as these past few days have gone by, I've sorted it out for myself.  Thank goodness, because we're all going on a weekend trip to the lake tomorrow, and I just want to feel at ease (as I'm quite sure Noah does, too).  Drama is boring and exhausting.

And nothing soothes me more than having that man's arms wrapped around me all night.  Truly, it blesses everything else.  I'm so much nicer today than I've felt like being this entire week.  I'm certainly still hormonal, because my boobs are so sore (!!), but there is finally hope.  He really does make me so happy :)