gratitude

Sitting and poring through the internet, on the fourth day of my fall break, I realized that I finally feel my pilot light ignited again.  The inner fire, the one where my light of gratitude beams out of my hands and feet, is finally burning within me again.

I'm so thankful for this opportunity to reflect and relax.  It was so desperately necessary; my heart felt so dim and dreary.  I've been taking the time I needed to focus on cleaning up my apartment, to work on some homework assignments, to have some intimate togetherness with friends, to explore my positives, and to conjure and amplify that feminine yin energy I realized I had been neglecting.

Truly, I feel more centered and balanced.  More enthusiastic, more motivated, and more at peace.

What's funny is that the returns are so immediate when you start drawing from those pools of previously untapped energy.  Just meditating on my wish to be more gentle, feminine, and beautiful has produced instant results.  A flood of attention, to my surprise!  It seems I turned on some kind of magnetism I had been neglecting.  In four days, especially, I have had men clamoring for my attention, and I hope I do not exaggerate this response.  It's very exciting!

Of course, with this recognition, I realize that I need to take responsibility for it and not abuse it.  In other words, I have to be careful and gentle with these souls who are making themselves vulnerable to me.  I cannot abuse or take them for granted, or be greedy just to validate myself.  I actually am interested in several of these men, and I think it would be unwise and selfish to entertain their affections simultaneously.  It's so common for me to have either no options at all or a deluge of suitors.

I'm also extremely grateful for my amazing friends.  I have people in my life who are just as willing to open their hearts to me as they are trustworthy with my heart.  That safety is immeasurably valuable.  They help me grow, they accept my support in the way that I offer it, and they are sincere and earnest in their affections.  I remember for so long I couldn't trust or accept that I had friends who loved me behind my back.

I think that my experience with the 'friend' on the trip to the festival last month was very valuable in providing juxtaposition to that effect; she was clearly someone who poorly concealed a distaste for my company and personality.  I got the impression that even though she declared herself as "passive," that she secretly harbored contempt for people, like me, and saw herself as remarkably superior.  She alluded to this periodically during our excursion, how she had been enlightened somehow in ways that I hadn't, how I was threatening to kill her buzz with my reaction to certain dilemmas, and how my help wasn't necessary because she could do it herself.  She clearly didn't have fun with me, and so I felt lousy around her.  I felt like I was doing it wrong.  I felt like I was being inconvenient.

I realize that I need to get over that experience and start projecting love at her, because she deserves the compassion.  I also realize how truly wonderful my friends are.  They are so supportive.  They genuinely like me for me.  We have no drama, and if we ever do, it is worked out immediately and maturely.  We get to laugh!  I tend to avoid conversations that center on griping for extended periods of time, because it's so obviously feeding the monster, even though sometimes it's just necessary to discuss it and dissect it so that the parts are more manageable to cope with.  That's why these people are great.  We encourage the best in each other.

Tomorrow I go back to work and I want to take this refreshed sense of self and purpose and gratitude with me.  I want to inspire these students, and I want to rally my colleagues.  We can't stay so out of sync forever; even metronomes all started at different times can start to oscillate in a few minutes, given the right medium.  We can do it.