thoroughly superficial

I am so tired that I cannot report on anything interesting as of late. My life recently has only had elements of moderate interest anyhow, mostly I experience the same scenario day in and day out. Last night, I stayed up very late to watch the Presidential Inauguration live on CNN. It was worth it, but now I am back home from work and very, very fatigued.

It is another very convenient excuse to avoid cleaning the kitchen/bathroom/floors/everywhere else.

Luckily, I do not have a bounty of snack food to munch on sleepily. I like to go to bed early, and not have awful bad dreams.

To be continued? To be certain!

Lonely on Sundays

I'm not sure why, but I always feel so sad and lonely every Sunday during and after church. While I'm there, everybody is sweet and loving and pleasant, and we all sit around in fellowship making wholesome small talk, and then we separate into small groups (which so far have been completely aimless; I want to participate in an actual in-depth Bible study group and it's unclear if that will materialize) and talk about tentative plans for small groups.

The idea is that they will get together and share, one by one I suppose, and talk about how God is working in their lives. It's a beautiful premise, and I'm sure everyone will bond over it, but I am absolutely terrified of revealing what I consider to be an extremely painful and rocky past to a group of strangers. Surely, Koreans do not tend to open up about their history beyond the past week or two, so this may be unfounded fear....but I don't want to find myself in a group therapy session where everybody listens to me and pities me and doesn't ever see me the same. This prospect has been so frightening to me that I can literally feel myself closing off from the others. After two months of attendance (nearly every week), I have not gravitated to anybody but the pastor and his family, and this is a true blessing because they live very close to me and I can find some sort of refuge with them.

Otherwise, I've isolated myself so much that I am usually quite surprised to find some of the ladies in our small fellowship being so kind and affectionate with me. The pastor spoke two weeks ago of building walls between ourselves and God, ourselves and a Christian community. Somehow the shame of a mistake- and pain-riddled life has buried me deep, away from the warmth of this group of people.

So I don't feel as though I belong, not here in this church, not back in Phoenix nor in Tucson, not in Seoul or any other place I've already lived or visited. I feel very guilty that I haven't made much of an effort to pursue graduate school options since I've been here, but some obstacles I met early on have been easy excuses to be lazy. I am quite aware that I am taking the all-familiar dip back down, the one where I tell myself how inferior I am and give myself the lousiest options and directions.

Simultaneously, I am smarting daily from a break-up that hasn't even felt real until a few weeks ago. Officially, it was almost a year ago that we decided our relationship was totaled, but somehow we have managed to ride it out many more months. And for as much as I like to be by myself, I find that I am very afraid of being alone.

I probably need to go to sleep.

Winter Vacation

This is going to be a long entry, because I have not written here in about three weeks and this past week was actually very exciting. It was my week-long vacation, and I had so much fun!

I promise to put photographs in, but I cannot promise when.

Vacation began last Saturday, when I lolled around my apartment eating soup and watching television. My friend Briana invited me to go for a walk, which I inferred to be more of a stroll, less of an epic journey. I set out for the subway station and promptly fell on the stairs, spraining my ankle! We met up and I pouted about my new injury, and then we met Katie for dinner, and then went for ice cream. Then Briana and I set out for the Cheonggyecheon River walk with a lovely Christmas lights display; it was a very, very long walk. Something like 3 or 4km, it took us over two hours, and it was so cold! We made it to the end, just next to City Hall, and stood around and watched the pretty lights and enjoyed the bouncy music blasted over many speakers. Obviously if there is music good enough to dance to, I'm going to dance, and while I was doing that two Korean young men came over and asked me in English if I would take a picture with them! I guess I was a spectacle worth remembering...

We went into the closest subway station and were immediately caught by the large floor display of cheap bootlegged DVDs! So after choosing 6 movies for 10,000 won, we both ran to catch our respective trains (it was nearly closing time for the transit system!). I just barely made it home, and then watched "Sex and the City" and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I should mention that my ankle at that point was so swollen I was hobbling around my apartment. I expected to be worse the next morning, so I emailed my pastor that I would miss church. The next day was better, but just enough to walk. I slept late and was invited to see "Yes Man" with my buddies, so we went to Misamgeori to catch an evening showing. We did some shopping and had a late lunch, then dinner afterward at a cute sushi place (I had a plate of nigiri for less than $4!). Katie and I made plans to do tourist stuff during the week. I went home and watched a bootlegged "Hancock".

Monday, true to form, I had a slow start. Not only is it below freezing permanently, but I am always picturing the complicated journey to the place I have to be, involving multiple transfers from bus to subway to bus. Eventually I made it to Itaewon to meet my friend Katie, and then we went shopping (yes, everybody shops here all the time!), specifically for comfy warm boots and pants that fit my shrinking physique. Losing weight can be so expensive! We met with Katie's friend Jessica, who is really hilarious and fun, and had coffee and then dinner at Subway...after all, we were in the foreigner district and that was likely the cheapest food available. We all went home afterward and I attempted to sleep so I could get up early for our fish market adventure.

Oh, during the night, I simply could not sleep. It was so frustrating, laying there listening to the deafening sound of my heartbeat. By 4:30 in the morning, I was tired enough to sleep, and forced myself to wake up a couple hours later so Katie and I could be across town as soon as possible.

The Noryangjin fish market was a huge underground market of sea creatures, dead or dying, displayed wholesale for those who prefer freshness and variety. We took a lot of photographs and then bought some really inexpensive, good-looking yellowtail (hamachi) sashimi to eat later. Then we went for lunch at a Korean interpretation of Vietnamese food, because I was dying for some pho...this was good but it didn't come off as authentic. Katie had pho ga for the first time and loved it.

Then we went to the Han River to ride a ferry up and down the river. Our boat turned out to be a pirate ship, and our captain a pirate! We had a brief tour of the buildings on either side of the river and a blip or two of history about bridges and islands along the river, and then it was back into the freezing wind toward Katie's house. We took a lovely nap in her apartment, and then I prepared our fish for dinner....which basically means I took it out and poured vinegar on the rice and mixed soy and wasabi, and we ate it. Simple enough. We met Katie's taekwondo instructor for pre-New Year's drinks (even though I was too full and after several shots of soju was sick-full). And that was Tuesday.

Wednesday, a.k.a. New Year's Eve, was spent in and out of the bathroom. I watched television, sat around in my pajamas with dirty hair, and eventually made myself something to eat. I love days off. I did manage to drag myself into a shower, and then got ready for an exciting night on the town. A group of us were planning to meet in the subway station near this party that was being hosted by a new English radio station, where they touted free beer, an iPod giveaway, and other stuff. Well, I was late! It's across town, obviously I'm going to be late. Thankfully, all the ladies were waiting at the station, apparently for me, even though I was only ten minutes after the last arrivee. The venue was this Korean traditional mock-village that holds lots of free performances for passersby. We entered and were ushered downstairs to a concert!? It turned out to be a free show with a spade of local musicians (Korean and foreign), some very good, others not so much. There were a pair of moderators who came out periodically and stood in a spotlight with poorly disguised sarcasm about the performances! It was hilarious! We considered leaving when we first realized this was not what we'd expected, but it turned out to be a very entertaining event, and we wanted beer and iPods.

After the show, iPodless, with party cups of draught beer and plates of snacks, we stood around the lobby trying to figure out when we would herd to our next destination. I noticed twice that someone was standing nearby us quietly and alone. On New Year's Eve, I just couldn't let that slide, so I marched right over to him and struck up some holiday cheer. He turned out to be a sweetheart with no plans, so I recruited him to our bunch and we all set out for a club in Honggae.

The club, called Jane's Groove, was packed with foreigners and Koreans, and felt like any other club I've been to, except they still smoke indoors here (blech). Closer to midnight a band came out and played some songs, a few great ones and a few okay ones. I quite enjoyed the dancing, the cocktails, and the cheerful company. Afterwards we went for some late-night Korean food, and I had my favorite new soup, naengmyeon. Then Briana and Katie and I took a $15 cab ride back to Briana's apartment, and Katie and I got to snuggle on the floor. :)

The next day, after sleeping in a significantly long time, and looking and laughing at photos from the night before, a knock came on Briana's door...it turned out to be her coworker, whom we had lost track of in the midst of the festivities. She had made a series of very bad decisions, and was now without a purse, phone, housekeys, or a coat. Remember it is winter, 24 degrees outside, and that's during the daytime. We sat, suddenly somber, and listened to her recount her wild escapades as she lay on the floor coughing and gagging. Rough. Briana got their landlord to spare another set of keys, and then it was just the three of us again.

We took a bus to Itaewon and waited for an hour for an American-style brunch, which turned out to be my gut's worst nightmare. Note to self: the veggie omelette is not always a good idea. After spending nearly 3 hours there, we met Jessica and went to Myeong-dong for bowling. Boy did my stomach hurt. It hurt so badly I couldn't enjoy beating everybody at bowling, both games. It hurt so badly I felt like leaving and going home to lay down, but decided to try to wait it out. We walked around Myeong-dong, where shopping is extreme and acute. The other three decided to have dinner, but I really couldn't think of eating anything, so I watched and tried to stay amicable in the conversation.

Finally, after dinner, I felt less stabbing belly pain, and we walked around some more around the shops and flashing neon lights and thousands of people, and then I went home.

Friday, I woke up to a phone call from my pastor's wife inviting me to lunch at her house. She and my pastor are Indians from South Africa, and she was making Indian curry vegetables, among other things. I walked over to their house and ended up staying for 7 hours! A couple other girls were over, one from India, and our conversation was lovely and the food was marvelous. We stuck out an entire Bollywood movie and then I went home. I found my New Year's Eve friend online and had a nice long chat with him.

Saturday, Briana and I agreed to go somewhere neither of us have been and explore (my favorite!). We took the train to the World Cup Stadium and walked around. There was a pretty park that had a small, tree-covered mountain with a hiking trail. We climbed to the top and remarked at various things, including an amazing view of Seoul through a parting in the trees. I saw lots of birds that yelled at us, which made me happy. Back down at the entrance of the park was a small pond with a little wooden pagoda (or whatever they call 'em) overlooking the massive stadium. The pond was covered in ice, and this somehow attracted a dozen children of different ages to venture onto the ice and then make every possible attempt to break through it. Clearly, it was risky, but it was also obviously fun and thrilling, so they continued doing it while Briana and I stood by taking photographs and hoping someone would successfully fall in. No dice, or at least I didn't have time to stick around and wait.

Afterwards I met with Wook, a friend I know through Toby, and his new wife, Christine. They took me to Seoul Tower, or Namsan Tower, where we enjoyed conversation and standing in umpteen different lines. We took a cable car up to the mountain, walked around, visited the teddy bear museum and watched a bunch of idiots crowd around and stare at a circle of laser lights projected from higher above them. Then we strolled around the roof terrace with locks of all shapes and sizes with messages written on them attached to the chainlink fence surrounding the terrace. Apparently, the tradition is to write your blurb, seal it on the fence, and hurl the keys off from the roof into the oblivion, and stand there with your lover/friend/family member and think whistfully of how your lock will be there forever.

Then we spent a little too much money to go up to the tower itself and walk around the top a few times. I bought some fun things in the gift shop, including a key ring.

Afterwards, they took me to a restaurant in Myeong-dong that has been around for 50 years or more, which is some feat here, that is famous for its noodle dishes. I had some really spicy noodles with julienned zucchini and even spicier kimchi (the hottest I've ever had, actually). After dinner, we agreed it was quitting time. My back and feet ached so much, I was actually relieved to get to head home and find a seat on the subway.

Today was church, a meeting with a potential tutee, and dinner with Briana. I had to take notes on my week to remember everything that happened! I had been hoping to use this week to become more familiar with Seoul, and I can definitely say I feel more at home here after having seen the whole thing at once and being able to point out several different areas I've been and did fun stuff. I'm also so grateful to have spent this week being extremely social, wallowing around in bed until whenever I pleased, and watching movies I'd hoped I would get to see. I can't forget to mention how wonderful Korean food is!

And considering I did not exercise officially, I can say I definitely burned a lot of calories getting around. I'm so pleased that I did just what I set out to do with my vacation.

Back to work...

cathartic repression

I apologize to you all whom I have not written and kept well-informed lately. I am deeply interested in your lives, because I know many wonderful things are happening to many wonderful people at this time, but I am absolutely consumed with every tiny and grandiose task assigned to me for this and every day. In short, I work like a dog (although I do not understand the cliché, because every dog I know is very lazy).

As is very common when I am feeling psychological duress, the external symptoms such as an extremely messy environment begin to manifest. I see the untidiness and I do not feel compelled to cope with it. This has managed to turn into an intimidating amount of laundry, dishes, recycling, and general clutter to attend to. Additionally, I am supposed to have my alien registration card by now, which I have yet to pick up from across the city. When I get that I am supposed to set up a cell phone account, which will take a hefty deposit. I doubt that I have the immediate cash available for such a thing, and hesitate to leap at spending more money for something only vaguely beneficial for the time being. Most certainly, I have made friends, and the ability to contact them and be reached by them would probably break the spell of isolation and withdrawal that has stayed with me all this month.

But the idea of spending almost everything I have left on a foreigner's deposit for a cancer-causing bit of gadgetry that would most likely serve as an obsessive distraction from what I really see/think/feel in my new geography...leaves me ambivalent.

Then, every time I decide to set up a morning where I might venture out early into the cold to brave to hoards of students and commuters and miscellaneous to be there and back before work begins, another meeting or ever-popular kindergarten class is scheduled last-minute, and I take a deep breath and do it just like everybody else.

I am not complaining. I am just so overworked and tired and, save for this past weekend, so very lonely, it seems like writing a dozen individual letters and emails to people to update them on my sad state of affairs further adds to the attention I feed to those troubles which, honestly, becomes incredibly boring. Then, unfortunately, I am also discouraged by the emails I did manage to scrounge up brain matter for that still go unanswered. So then I fail to respond to the ones I do get, because I'm achy inside and out.

I went to bed awfully late last night (it was actually 4am). I woke up at a reasonable time to get ready for work, but I did not get enough sleep. My alarm clock was set on the radio, and every nine minutes I heard really bizarre pieces of traditional Korean music. If you've never heard it, the instruments are unique, vocals are guttural, and the overall ensemble is very minimalist. My nasty habit of hitting snooze a number of times left me with the strangest dream soundtrack in a while. Also, I am getting really good at waking up half an hour or so before my alarm sounds, which is mainly an internal freak-out mechanism in case my alarm doesn't work...I'm absolutely terrified to miss work. Not to mention, how would anybody get a hold of me, save for knocking on my door? The potential humiliation of it all wakes me up at about 9:15am every single morning. I do not have faith in alarm clocks, as I have been burned far too many times.

I did set up Skype, however, and that has been quite an investment! Now I have both a webcam and a headset, and can even look at Yoshi when I talk to Toby! He's so cute because he doesn't have the depth perception to see me on the screen, and is baffled by my voice coming out of the speakers. He looks happy, though, and so does Toby.

Tonight I think I will go to bed early, because I just totally deserve it and my neighbors upstairs, whose child is permitted to jump and bound across the apartment until the wee hours of the morning (seriously), can kiss my butt. First, though, I think I will take a lovely hot bath.

Firster still, I will remark at something I am quite proud of. After being here a month, and having consumed the inescapable countless grams of carbohydrates in that said time, I have still managed to drop weight! Considering the scenario, where I walk nearly everywhere, have no less than 24 flights of stairs to combat on a daily basis, and basically only eat what and when I feel like cooking, it does actually make sense. So, to tally it up, since last January, I believe I have lost something to the effect of 40lbs, give or take. I actually do put a little extracurricular exercise in my routine some days, a little cardio, a little yoga, some pilates, but sparsely and not as much as I would like. But I feel proud of myself, despite being surrounded by nothing but petite, slender women, all my curvy-girl clothes fit just fine, and I might venture that my cumbersome bust line does create a bit of reciprocal jealousy.

Oh, it's bath time.

a brief update

I finally made it to church this weekend, and the pastor and his family picked me up. They really are wonderful people, very kind and fun and loving. I met lots of other people there (that I met three weeks ago also) who were very warm and gracious. It turns out one man is going with his taekwondo class to the DMZ next Saturday, and I'm totally going with them!

Last night it began to snow, with was beautiful. This morning, it is sludge, grey and slippery.

I need to take a shower and get ready for work!

so it's 12 degrees...

...And it's really cold. Painfully, desperately cold. This kind of cold completely stamps out a fun Friday night. Where do you even go when any exposed facial skin burns from the cold?

It isn't even as cold as it's supposed to get in Korea. Will I die this winter? Or will I simply never learn anything about this new country all winter, because I chose life and to stay indoors? I believe I understand the phrase "abominable snowman" now...

I'm trying to break in a pair of dangerously high boot heels, too sexy and expensive not to be given a prime place in my wardrobe, too tight and tall not to practice first. I think at this rate they may be ready by early spring. I am not joking. Maybe somewhere in this Land of Small will be a cobbler who stretches shoes for giants.

Tonight directly after work I went to two outside vendors for dinner. The first place sold kimbap, steamed things in sticky white rice wrapped with seaweed and rolled and sliced. The second sells magical mystery pancake-donut patties filled with sugary divinity and sunflower seeds. Between both, I spent 3,000 won, less than $3 US, and ended up with a kimbap roll and four magic pancakes. I ate every bite and am still stuffed hours later.

Yay Korea! But they love their carbs!

It's amazing how fast an entire week goes by when you work your tail off. We have to plan our classes out at the beginning of each month, and that's rather tough when you have 19 separate classes and they're all doing different units of different English-learning books. And if they're doing the same book, it's a different unit. And I have to devote all of next week to a Spelling Bee, plus begin new units, and be conscious of the fact that four classes will be a week behind because there's no school on Christmas, and then there's a week-long break the next week! I was feeling so serene until today...comparatively. At least about work. The fact that we work very hard just means work goes by quickly. But being a real teacher (not just a sub like I'm used to) means course outlines and progress reports and test generating and scores and troublemakers and bloody noses and isolation in the bathroom stall between classes.

It's a great job, so I'm really not complaining at all. But this is one of those times (which I imagine happens monthly) where everything comes in a WHOOSH! and all the teachers tremble in its wake.

All of our planning periods lately are even eaten up by practicing for this Christmas program we're all supposed to participate in, dance three complicated choreographed dances to Christmas songs (and sing!), and brainstorm activities for a hundred kinder-aged children that combine English comprehension and Christmas that are both safe and significant enough to eat up 10 minutes! I also have to decorate my room with Christmas stuff, my assigned theme is Red, and I still have no idea how to hang things from the stucco-covered walls. Tape, Velcro, nails, hooks, putty; these things are all out of the question! Next Monday, when I really need my planning time, I have to have a meeting with the other foreign teachers and the head teacher and the program coordinator to discuss (and possibly defend) the importance of homework in this English program we're using to teach our students conversational English. My students, in particular, clearly suffer when they do not do their homework that I assign. They have extreme difficulty comprehending grammar questions on the test when they haven't written it down ever (because they also refuse to participate in class unless I lord over them). And now there's a possibility homework will be considered a superfluity!

It's cold, and I'm a little stressed out. I cannot, in fact, believe that it is Friday night. My fourth one here, in fact. That seems wrong. This hasn't been over three weeks, certainly...but it has. Oh, the pressure to catch up to the pace is remarkable.

Still I sleep so badly. I sit here, wearing gorgeous, painful heels, refusing sleep when I have nothing keeping me awake but stubbornness. I would practice walking around in these shoes, but it's both impolite to stamp all over your neighbors' heads in clunky-heeled boots, and to wear shoes in your house at all in Korea. I'm technically supposed to practice outside....

...Where the temperature has dropped now to 11 degrees.

past the quarter mark

Today I am 26 years old. It is the most surreal birthday I have ever had, and I've been awake only an hour. I'm in a foreign land with new things to get used to and far away from all my family and friends. I'm kind of sick, too, probably because the air quality and just getting some kind of bronchitis/throat thing. I did my hair in a pretty style, put on some gorgeous jewelry my mom got me for my birthday several years ago, and am listening to a wonderfully nostalgic Caustic Window album (Katie brought that back for me from Carlsbad when we were sophomores in high school, I think!).

Last night I learned how to use my washer for the first time. I also realized that hanging my clothes up on the drying racks with a standing fan still takes ages for them to dry if it's going to RAIN the next day! So damp is it that my clothes may well still be sudsing as I speak.

Two days ago I took a cab to get my Employment Health Certificate. Going through the process of my physical exam was very easy, but after sifting through waves of hundreds of people, I essentially retreated into myself and began to fret. Well, I have the certificate now, and need to apply to the Immigration office for a card, which should take an additional week. I need to have that done within 90 days of arriving here, so I'm actually really glad that they had me get started so soon.

I unpacked everything and put it in its proper spot. This was a milestone, because I've been psychologically paralyzed since I got here. Also, I thought I would be more relieved than I am, and am suffering a great deal of insomnia. I don't understand why my neighbors upstairs are noisy at ALL HOURS of the night! They are always talking or walking or running water or closing doors! For an insomniac, this is wretched. But the practiced deep breathing eventually leads me to sleep, and then I sleep solidly. Oddly, my mattress is incredibly firm, possibly as much so as the floor itself with perhaps a pad for a bit of springiness, and yet it is surprisingly comfortable! My first week here, when I was sleeping really well, that mattress was my best friend.

This week, it is television and Internet. I feel connected to the world again! I can keep track of things, I can look things up, and I can tap the vast resource of Internet knowledge any time I please! This is all very important for a lonely girl.

Time for breakfast!