Thick as Thieves

A few months can change everything. In fact, a few minutes, a few days, a split second, the blink of an eye...these thing all hold the potential for drastic changes.

In four months, I have managed to apply for and be rejected by countless positions. I have landed two part-time, temporary positions (as a teacher and a tutor). I have cut my hair several times. I have made (and lost) friends. I have managed to change the outward appearance of my parents' home by priming and painting several major portions of the façade. Something happened with my financial situation that brought me from severely, desperately broke, to relatively afloat with careful management. I reduced my student loan debt by 11% of its total. I reconciled a small outstanding debt on a credit card.

Then, there were things that changed in the past few weeks, namely concerning my ambitions toward a graduate program. The school semester ended, and my income as a substitute teacher bottomed out. I spoke with some friends involved in pollination research and then met with a professor who invited my help volunteering in his laboratory with whichever graduate students could use a hand. In a 20-minute period, my goal shifted from getting into a masters program to pursuing a PhD. A friend of mine needed a house-sitter in Tucson for three weeks while she studies at a research station in Costa Rica, so I jumped at the opportunity for some free housing while I begin volunteering. Then, miraculously, I was forwarded an email from some people looking for a house-sitter for their dog for the summer for just the price of utilities consumed. What a deal!

In the last two weeks, I worked a few final subbing gigs, quit my tutoring job, and packed up my things to relocate to Tucson. I met with my postdoc friend who is using my volunteer help and figured out an initial gameplan for this side-project research that I am manning while she focuses on her central project. She and I went out dancing and I met several new, amazing people. I went to a housewarming party and got to know several extremely nice girls in the department to which I hope to apply. I went to a Bible study at the house where I was hoping to house-sit this summer and they seem convinced that I am reliable and trustworthy, and it seems to be set up.

In the last day, I have contacted a company who employs in-home caregivers for the elderly and picked up an application. I also worked for several hours prepping the plants in the greenhouse for the side-project I'll be working on this summer. My mind is starting to turn with possible ideas for research.

And since yesterday, I have had to reevaluate my expectations for my entire life. Toby and I are together; we are best friends, we are lovers, we are mutually supportive and we hold each other in the highest esteem. We love each other. However, he told me the same thing he's been telling me in various ways for a year and a half: he's not in love with me and he doesn't see us ending up married. Didn't I already know this, deep down? Probably. I knew he "needed more time" and "wanted to experience dating", but I told myself that because we were finally, physically together, that I'd passed that final checkpoint and that all the necessary pieces were in place.

Why the hell doesn't he have that j'ne sais quoi? with me? He said he lost that feeling when we broke up three years ago, because he was head over heels for me and didn't see the break-up coming. How could that be, I asked him, when for the final five or six months he made a point out of avoiding a commitment to any time with me on my days off, coming home every night after I'd been in bed for hours, and needless to say, we hadn't been together for a month or more. If he was so in love with me then, why did he do such shitty-boyfriend stuff? He recalls that, either way, that break up was the best thing that has ever happened to him; he's been making something significant of himself ever since. So he credits me with spurring him to be a better person, healthier, wiser, more gentle and loving. He says he loves me in every way that he could possibly love anyone or anything, except this one thing. His honesty brought me to my knees, literally.

Having a panic attack in front of the man you've loved and idolized for over a decade is embarrassing but it's relatively safe, considering he knows and trusts and understands me. He would do anything for me, and he proclaims this over and over again. Anything, that is, except commit on the long-term, "forever" basis that is being convinced that he wants to marry me. When the hell did I get my mind bent around the idea that I needed to be married, anyway? I hate being stuck to a want that simply will not be mine. Yesterday was a very difficult day.

So today I'm reassessing what my expectations have turned into in the past year that led to such crushing heartbreak yesterday. I will have to accept that the present status is okay for the time being, and not anticipate any upgrades in commitment. This is vaguely familiar to me; my job in Korea as an English teacher was quite clearly the best I was ever going to get, and as long as I derived the joy and fulfillment I needed from the position I was in, I could appreciate my relationship with Korea. Of course, if I had wanted anything more career-like, with promotions, better compensation and attractive vacation packages, it obviously wasn't the place for me in the long-term. I would rather spend this time with my best friend who is also my lover than put my foot down about what relationship status I imagine myself making public on Facebook in two years. Because it is Toby, and he will treat me like gold for the duration of our relationship, I will stay and we will have fun, and I will be at liberty to pursue whatever career or grad program options may come up for me.

In reality, nothing is changing but my expectations. Yes, of course, I've been choking back tears all day and listening to Neko Case on my iPod, but what I'm really grieving is some fantasy that I knew was fictive and still wanted to believe in. You can't surf if there are no waves, but you can still go swimming and enjoy the beach.

Another thing worth noting on the change-o-meter is that the timid, reclusive second cat who was coaxed indoors from life as a stray has made a daily appearance since Sunday. My friend warned me that she may not even come out from under the bed while I'm here, so I'm pleased that just 3 days after I set up camp, she's feeling bold and secure enough to venture near me.

I think I will make more of an effort to write. Additionally, I will make more of an effort to stay positive and optimistic. And pray and praise. It's only Tuesday and so much has changed in my world since last week, I can scarcely believe it.

not really abandonment

I'm just trying to commit to a decision. And really, when so many options seem viable and worthy of my time and effort, it's easy to feel inundated by them. It's easy to misinterpret the wealth of opportunity as a dearth of choices. I often make this mistake.

Presently, I am working on being honest with myself. When I spend too much time alone (this is subjective, of course, because "too much" is so variable), I run the risk of gnawing on details until they have become useless and disfigured. I begin to lie to myself, to convince myself once more of my crippling flaws and lack of social graces. Remarkably, I am successfully practicing the art of debate. My champion, my defender, hustles in to contend on my behalf against that little nagging voice, the one that doesn't use my mouth to be heard. The Defender always uses my mouth, so that my ears WILL hear it. Sometimes, the Defender insists I look in the mirror as an honest reflection, so that I am making eye contact while being pep-talked.

I can honestly identify my feelings in situations of supreme heartache--which lately are innumerable--and describe the logical source of my pain and frustrations. My Defender reminds me, patiently and repeatedly, that I want to experience what others seem to be enjoying, like romance, travel, and satisfying careers. My Defender also points out that my feelings are not unique, and that I am not isolated in this gridlock.

So, that's progress.

As an extention of this goal to commit, I am also forcing myself to be dilligent in my general efforts of staying tidy and motivated to succeed. If it's worth doing forever, it's worth working hard for. It's important to me, and I want to demonstrate to myself and those around me that I am not a quitter. I tend to lose interest in things that don't stir my soul, but I don't like to let people down, either. I will usually finish something I've started if anyone else is invested in the matter (whether or not I am still interested).

There are a few passions that have stood the trials of time, fire, and infinite obstacles: my goal to be a pollinator conservationist, my desire to be active and healthy, and my knock-down-drag-out love for Toby. Now listen, I know I could be fooling myself into thinking that I'm refusing to give up on him to prove my loyalty and my steadfastness. Maybe I am. I realize that I need to commit to something that will reward my efforts, something that won't conflict with my ultimate career choice.

I have peppered the city with job applications. Fortunately, I was blessed with a response, an interview, and an actual job that began last week. After dozens of unanswered emails with my resume and my most eloquent, positive-sounding cover letters, someone finally responded. It's not a major step up from the capricious nature of my original employment (substitute teaching), but we'll say that privately tutoring has its own rewards and it may make a significant different in the life of a child who I may not have been able to help in a classroom (mob) setting. My dilligence paid off, and it happens to be something flexible enough to suit me and my cravings for variety.

I have also sent out a sizeable mass of applications for field work relating specifically to pollination ecology. On Sunday, I got a bite on a wonderful project in California, and my phone interview with them is in less than an hour. I can commit to a temporary project in northern California, working with habitat restoration and pollinating native bees! That would rock my world.

Additionally, I am considering (but not committing to) the possibilities of a Masters program at the University of Arizona. I began toying with the idea a few months ago, hoping I wasn't subconsciously trying to fandangle my way into geographical convenience with respect to Toby. He's so rooted in one place, intimidated by change or risk, that it's not the best idea to seek out something just because he isn't bold enough to seize his dreams. When he does find the gall, he'll probably leap into being a chef. Toby makes his decisions after a great deal of consideration. My impulsive side rejects that, but my loyal, goal-oriented and committed side admires and sympathizes with him. His self-amendments are so gradual, they are really only noticeable after a long stretch. Slow and steady.

The potential networking opportunities of working in this entomology laboratory in Davis, California, are incredible. The experience would streamline my previous experience into something that makes much more sense to an outsider who might possibly consider my curriculum vitae. An outsider, perhaps, who will want to employ me in his or her laboratory and pay me for an excellent job done.

I've managed to narrow down my options for commitment. Yes, I have kept up a theme, and I will toss that word around as long as I can to support it. I'll keep going down this route. The ball is rolling now.

I had a deep, honest, recurring conversation with Toby this weekend. He hasn't deviated from his desire to date other people, to experience dating as an entity, to spiral from rejection and learn what his preferences are. He hasn't stopped loving me, and doesn't want to extricate me from his life, but he has issues he prefers to work on and amend before he commits (there's that word again) to something again with me. He assured me he knows exactly what I want, but that he isn't in a position emotionally to give it to me. He doesn't want to crave playing the field while being in a serious relationship with me, it wouldn't be fair.

I respect where he's coming from. I hate, HATE, HATE that he isn't ready for me like I am for him, but we operate at different speeds. I went off and found myself. He's still looking.

One day though, I'm afraid, he'll find himself and realize I was there all the time, supportive, loving, beautiful, honest, intelligent, and DEVOTED to him, and it will be too late. I don't want that romantic tragedy to be the story of our lives. I've never enjoyed Romeo and Juliet-style calamities. I want to be swept up with romance that penetrates deeply and profoundly, being understood and fulfilled by one another. That best friend thing. I want that.

I didn't abandon this blog. I just couldn't commit to an entry for a few months, is all.

what I want.

Deciding specifically what I want on any given day is such a process, such a matter of deduction and rationalization and compromise. I can't decide, for example, if I want to be unhappy because other wants I routinely decide upon have not materialized or become mine. Should I let that perceived lack bring me down? I have so many other things going my way, why do I allow myself to be bogged down so much by such insignificant things as unrequited love? If I wanted, and sometimes I do, I could choose to wallow in the hopeless injustice of it all. I could listen to the saddest music and cry myself to sleep in the middle of the day, bathed in afternoon sunlight. I could put off all my responsibilities so that I might focus all my energies on being unproductive and miserable, lethargic and fatigued, remaining as lonely as possible.

But what do I want, precisely? I want to be happy, right? I want to feel loved, to feel needed, to feel helpful and appreciated. I want to feel blameless, wanted, and special. I want to be educated and skilled. I want a career that suits me enough to feel more like a delightfully-involved hobby than a cumbersome to-do list. I want to travel as much as I possibly can, I want to make friends all over the world. I want my dog. I want a sense of importance. I want to be respected for who I am and what I do and choose for myself. I want to love everyone for their individual cocktail of specialness. I want to paint. I want to sew. I want to make dance costumes and accessories. I want to DANCE. I want to continue losing weight, to be as svelte as I possibly can be, because I feel really good about myself when I am toned and agile.

And in the grand scheme of things, I truly, desperately want companionship. Namely, Toby's. How can I possibly have everything I want and also keep him? It seems unachievable. He is quite permanent at the moment, and I have always been rather transient. I want to go to Canada for graduate school, and am in the application process for a program that specifically suits my goals, experience, and education. I want to pursue that for myself, so how could I insist, unselfishly, that he stay with me while I explore my own version of success? Talk about injustice.

I can't have it all, it seems. This does not assuage the grief I feel at choosing my own path and watching Toby choose his own, one that generally does not involve me. Although I realize that my conflicting desires are incredibly hypocritical, I just can't get past the notion that we ultimately belong together.

Gah. The positive side of it is I don't have a boy for whom I compromise my goals, and I will likely move right on through to my next phase in career pursuit and it will turn out for the best. I can't help but hold onto the heartache though.

daily folly

On the same day that I conceive the first draft of a recommendation letter I'd like my boss to sign for me, I am spotted being late to work and exposed for being quite behind in the progress for two separate levels of students. It makes me look like a real jackass...certainly not one deserving of any kind of recommendation or high esteem.

My heart HURTS right now. I don't even feel like being nice to my students. They don't deserve my coldness, but I'm stressed out that they aren't improving in their understanding at the standard I'm supposed to guide them, and this is because they aren't paying attention and that frustrates me and I don't hide it.

And Adi, who sends a million mixed signals, somehow thinks he's the center focus of all my attention and fancies himself the reason for my stress and dismay. He routinely blows me off, something I absolutely hate, and I was ready to stop talking to him weeks ago....and then his friend died, and his was distraught, so I sucked it up and decided that he needed me to be a supportive friend. So that's what I have been. But I don't ever expect him to follow through on plans, ever. In fact, I know he'll cancel, or postpone, or show up so late, or have something else to do in addition to seeing me. I'm not demanding to be the center of his attention, but dammit! Why do I have be so expendable? Why is my time and availability taken for granted so?? It's such an insult. On the other hand, I find it impossible to deliberately burn a bridge, or say goodbye to any relationship, no matter how painful and destructive, certainly thanks to being the child of an alcoholic with regular disappearing acts...I know never to count on anyone following through on any promises until it actually happens, and I remain very flexible and tolerant to their bullshit instead of just protecting myself from the hurt it always causes.

Why can't I just stop talking to someone who hurts me again and again?

Why can't I just pull myself together and behave as a punctual, organized adult with responsibilities and obligations? I hate to let people down, but I just let myself down with all my procrastination and timidity.

I'm having trouble believing in myself today.

3 x 7.

Actually even less than that. Just 20 days until I depart this land I will have called home for 20 months. Novelty faded away long ago, discomfort came and went at times, romance occurred momentarily more than once, and I managed to change my philosophy and lifestyle manyfold.

In these past few weeks, as I grieve the impending loss of this life and these relationships and this city, emotional songs carry more weight, and wise statements and adages strike me as more significant, profound and relevent. I'm facing changes I obviously cannot even fathom. "What's life without a risk or two?" I gleaned from an episode of American Idol. My friend from decades ago (no kidding!) reassured me that I may be going back to Phoenix, but it's not the same Phoenix and I'm not the same in it. Every retrospection on change as healthy, natural and beneficial helps to ease my heart. I feel so sentimental about every experience with friends, and even more so now.

The problem is that lately I've been quite sensitive, and my friends have suddenly increased their frequency of canceled plans and unavailability. I know it's all on my end, but this is the time when I don't want to have to fish for their attention, and when I ask them to work me into their schedules, I find it hurtful that it is such low priority. I don't demand much from friends, but I do ask that when something is important to me, they be supportive of that. With very little time left to spend with me, I'm tired of hearing, "You're leaving HOW SOON? OMG, we should get together before you go!" and then having nobody follow through. I'm so sick of flakey friends.

Meanwhile, I find no peace at my apartment. I've stripped the walls and tabletops of any decor and either stacked or packed it. I'm trying to sort through the clothing I plan to either ship home, give away, throw away, or pack for Thailand. A distance friend recently surmised that I should be psyching myself up about my vacation...I fully agree, I should. I'm trying, a little bit, to think on that bright side. My house is a chaotic mess. I went from sewing feverishly to finish costumes for my big bellydancing performance to going vegetative from fatigue to shifting gears into moving.

Also, I need to be responsible and spell out a budget for myself. Since I am not directly landing into the financial safety of a new job in Arizona, I should certainly lay out a plan for what money I will have to live on. This budget will have to account for vacation expenses, shipment of boxes and luggage, a few more payments on student loans, final bill payments, and the obligatory good-bye parties that I'm sure will commence in my final days in Seoul.

My mom's planning to pay me to help do some work on the exterior of the house, so I will happily use that bit of income.

I am looking forward to meeting up with one of my best girlfriends in Thailand. She's so relaxing and inspiring to be around. I'm sure we will share an unforgettable, incredible experience together. That will be nice.

because

you know, because I was happy. I felt really high on life. I get so high that I fall really hard. And now it hurts.

Screw this.

up in the attic, it sleeps in the dust

Spring seemed to come in short, irregular spurts, and the weather hasn't fully decided to warm up or stay cool enough to necessitate a sweater or long sleeves. Frankly, I've had enough cold weather, and I'm drumming my fingers irritably at having to layer up every day, especially in early May.

I can count a few accomplishments since I last updated. Namely, I shook my damn self awake. Financially, I shaved down my debt to a nice round 8 grand. How about that?! I finished several pieces of a total of 10 separate items for upcoming dancing gigs. I've lost some weight...3 kilos! That's progress because I was hanging out at the same weight forever and it was really discouraging. I discovered a boy I really liked and I basically pounced on the opportunity and made a successful catch! Obviously it won't last because I'm in Temporary Mode and I couldn't keep him on a long-distance basis...so that means right now I have nothing to lose in just liking him tons! Life in the moment!

I've also taken the time to send off a letter or two of interest about jobs I could see myself doing, and I've located some potential graduate programs abroad. The idea of how I'd be paying for those things hasn't completely settled in, so we'll see.