daily folly

On the same day that I conceive the first draft of a recommendation letter I'd like my boss to sign for me, I am spotted being late to work and exposed for being quite behind in the progress for two separate levels of students. It makes me look like a real jackass...certainly not one deserving of any kind of recommendation or high esteem.

My heart HURTS right now. I don't even feel like being nice to my students. They don't deserve my coldness, but I'm stressed out that they aren't improving in their understanding at the standard I'm supposed to guide them, and this is because they aren't paying attention and that frustrates me and I don't hide it.

And Adi, who sends a million mixed signals, somehow thinks he's the center focus of all my attention and fancies himself the reason for my stress and dismay. He routinely blows me off, something I absolutely hate, and I was ready to stop talking to him weeks ago....and then his friend died, and his was distraught, so I sucked it up and decided that he needed me to be a supportive friend. So that's what I have been. But I don't ever expect him to follow through on plans, ever. In fact, I know he'll cancel, or postpone, or show up so late, or have something else to do in addition to seeing me. I'm not demanding to be the center of his attention, but dammit! Why do I have be so expendable? Why is my time and availability taken for granted so?? It's such an insult. On the other hand, I find it impossible to deliberately burn a bridge, or say goodbye to any relationship, no matter how painful and destructive, certainly thanks to being the child of an alcoholic with regular disappearing acts...I know never to count on anyone following through on any promises until it actually happens, and I remain very flexible and tolerant to their bullshit instead of just protecting myself from the hurt it always causes.

Why can't I just stop talking to someone who hurts me again and again?

Why can't I just pull myself together and behave as a punctual, organized adult with responsibilities and obligations? I hate to let people down, but I just let myself down with all my procrastination and timidity.

I'm having trouble believing in myself today.