not really abandonment

I'm just trying to commit to a decision. And really, when so many options seem viable and worthy of my time and effort, it's easy to feel inundated by them. It's easy to misinterpret the wealth of opportunity as a dearth of choices. I often make this mistake.

Presently, I am working on being honest with myself. When I spend too much time alone (this is subjective, of course, because "too much" is so variable), I run the risk of gnawing on details until they have become useless and disfigured. I begin to lie to myself, to convince myself once more of my crippling flaws and lack of social graces. Remarkably, I am successfully practicing the art of debate. My champion, my defender, hustles in to contend on my behalf against that little nagging voice, the one that doesn't use my mouth to be heard. The Defender always uses my mouth, so that my ears WILL hear it. Sometimes, the Defender insists I look in the mirror as an honest reflection, so that I am making eye contact while being pep-talked.

I can honestly identify my feelings in situations of supreme heartache--which lately are innumerable--and describe the logical source of my pain and frustrations. My Defender reminds me, patiently and repeatedly, that I want to experience what others seem to be enjoying, like romance, travel, and satisfying careers. My Defender also points out that my feelings are not unique, and that I am not isolated in this gridlock.

So, that's progress.

As an extention of this goal to commit, I am also forcing myself to be dilligent in my general efforts of staying tidy and motivated to succeed. If it's worth doing forever, it's worth working hard for. It's important to me, and I want to demonstrate to myself and those around me that I am not a quitter. I tend to lose interest in things that don't stir my soul, but I don't like to let people down, either. I will usually finish something I've started if anyone else is invested in the matter (whether or not I am still interested).

There are a few passions that have stood the trials of time, fire, and infinite obstacles: my goal to be a pollinator conservationist, my desire to be active and healthy, and my knock-down-drag-out love for Toby. Now listen, I know I could be fooling myself into thinking that I'm refusing to give up on him to prove my loyalty and my steadfastness. Maybe I am. I realize that I need to commit to something that will reward my efforts, something that won't conflict with my ultimate career choice.

I have peppered the city with job applications. Fortunately, I was blessed with a response, an interview, and an actual job that began last week. After dozens of unanswered emails with my resume and my most eloquent, positive-sounding cover letters, someone finally responded. It's not a major step up from the capricious nature of my original employment (substitute teaching), but we'll say that privately tutoring has its own rewards and it may make a significant different in the life of a child who I may not have been able to help in a classroom (mob) setting. My dilligence paid off, and it happens to be something flexible enough to suit me and my cravings for variety.

I have also sent out a sizeable mass of applications for field work relating specifically to pollination ecology. On Sunday, I got a bite on a wonderful project in California, and my phone interview with them is in less than an hour. I can commit to a temporary project in northern California, working with habitat restoration and pollinating native bees! That would rock my world.

Additionally, I am considering (but not committing to) the possibilities of a Masters program at the University of Arizona. I began toying with the idea a few months ago, hoping I wasn't subconsciously trying to fandangle my way into geographical convenience with respect to Toby. He's so rooted in one place, intimidated by change or risk, that it's not the best idea to seek out something just because he isn't bold enough to seize his dreams. When he does find the gall, he'll probably leap into being a chef. Toby makes his decisions after a great deal of consideration. My impulsive side rejects that, but my loyal, goal-oriented and committed side admires and sympathizes with him. His self-amendments are so gradual, they are really only noticeable after a long stretch. Slow and steady.

The potential networking opportunities of working in this entomology laboratory in Davis, California, are incredible. The experience would streamline my previous experience into something that makes much more sense to an outsider who might possibly consider my curriculum vitae. An outsider, perhaps, who will want to employ me in his or her laboratory and pay me for an excellent job done.

I've managed to narrow down my options for commitment. Yes, I have kept up a theme, and I will toss that word around as long as I can to support it. I'll keep going down this route. The ball is rolling now.

I had a deep, honest, recurring conversation with Toby this weekend. He hasn't deviated from his desire to date other people, to experience dating as an entity, to spiral from rejection and learn what his preferences are. He hasn't stopped loving me, and doesn't want to extricate me from his life, but he has issues he prefers to work on and amend before he commits (there's that word again) to something again with me. He assured me he knows exactly what I want, but that he isn't in a position emotionally to give it to me. He doesn't want to crave playing the field while being in a serious relationship with me, it wouldn't be fair.

I respect where he's coming from. I hate, HATE, HATE that he isn't ready for me like I am for him, but we operate at different speeds. I went off and found myself. He's still looking.

One day though, I'm afraid, he'll find himself and realize I was there all the time, supportive, loving, beautiful, honest, intelligent, and DEVOTED to him, and it will be too late. I don't want that romantic tragedy to be the story of our lives. I've never enjoyed Romeo and Juliet-style calamities. I want to be swept up with romance that penetrates deeply and profoundly, being understood and fulfilled by one another. That best friend thing. I want that.

I didn't abandon this blog. I just couldn't commit to an entry for a few months, is all.