Thick as Thieves

A few months can change everything. In fact, a few minutes, a few days, a split second, the blink of an eye...these thing all hold the potential for drastic changes.

In four months, I have managed to apply for and be rejected by countless positions. I have landed two part-time, temporary positions (as a teacher and a tutor). I have cut my hair several times. I have made (and lost) friends. I have managed to change the outward appearance of my parents' home by priming and painting several major portions of the façade. Something happened with my financial situation that brought me from severely, desperately broke, to relatively afloat with careful management. I reduced my student loan debt by 11% of its total. I reconciled a small outstanding debt on a credit card.

Then, there were things that changed in the past few weeks, namely concerning my ambitions toward a graduate program. The school semester ended, and my income as a substitute teacher bottomed out. I spoke with some friends involved in pollination research and then met with a professor who invited my help volunteering in his laboratory with whichever graduate students could use a hand. In a 20-minute period, my goal shifted from getting into a masters program to pursuing a PhD. A friend of mine needed a house-sitter in Tucson for three weeks while she studies at a research station in Costa Rica, so I jumped at the opportunity for some free housing while I begin volunteering. Then, miraculously, I was forwarded an email from some people looking for a house-sitter for their dog for the summer for just the price of utilities consumed. What a deal!

In the last two weeks, I worked a few final subbing gigs, quit my tutoring job, and packed up my things to relocate to Tucson. I met with my postdoc friend who is using my volunteer help and figured out an initial gameplan for this side-project research that I am manning while she focuses on her central project. She and I went out dancing and I met several new, amazing people. I went to a housewarming party and got to know several extremely nice girls in the department to which I hope to apply. I went to a Bible study at the house where I was hoping to house-sit this summer and they seem convinced that I am reliable and trustworthy, and it seems to be set up.

In the last day, I have contacted a company who employs in-home caregivers for the elderly and picked up an application. I also worked for several hours prepping the plants in the greenhouse for the side-project I'll be working on this summer. My mind is starting to turn with possible ideas for research.

And since yesterday, I have had to reevaluate my expectations for my entire life. Toby and I are together; we are best friends, we are lovers, we are mutually supportive and we hold each other in the highest esteem. We love each other. However, he told me the same thing he's been telling me in various ways for a year and a half: he's not in love with me and he doesn't see us ending up married. Didn't I already know this, deep down? Probably. I knew he "needed more time" and "wanted to experience dating", but I told myself that because we were finally, physically together, that I'd passed that final checkpoint and that all the necessary pieces were in place.

Why the hell doesn't he have that j'ne sais quoi? with me? He said he lost that feeling when we broke up three years ago, because he was head over heels for me and didn't see the break-up coming. How could that be, I asked him, when for the final five or six months he made a point out of avoiding a commitment to any time with me on my days off, coming home every night after I'd been in bed for hours, and needless to say, we hadn't been together for a month or more. If he was so in love with me then, why did he do such shitty-boyfriend stuff? He recalls that, either way, that break up was the best thing that has ever happened to him; he's been making something significant of himself ever since. So he credits me with spurring him to be a better person, healthier, wiser, more gentle and loving. He says he loves me in every way that he could possibly love anyone or anything, except this one thing. His honesty brought me to my knees, literally.

Having a panic attack in front of the man you've loved and idolized for over a decade is embarrassing but it's relatively safe, considering he knows and trusts and understands me. He would do anything for me, and he proclaims this over and over again. Anything, that is, except commit on the long-term, "forever" basis that is being convinced that he wants to marry me. When the hell did I get my mind bent around the idea that I needed to be married, anyway? I hate being stuck to a want that simply will not be mine. Yesterday was a very difficult day.

So today I'm reassessing what my expectations have turned into in the past year that led to such crushing heartbreak yesterday. I will have to accept that the present status is okay for the time being, and not anticipate any upgrades in commitment. This is vaguely familiar to me; my job in Korea as an English teacher was quite clearly the best I was ever going to get, and as long as I derived the joy and fulfillment I needed from the position I was in, I could appreciate my relationship with Korea. Of course, if I had wanted anything more career-like, with promotions, better compensation and attractive vacation packages, it obviously wasn't the place for me in the long-term. I would rather spend this time with my best friend who is also my lover than put my foot down about what relationship status I imagine myself making public on Facebook in two years. Because it is Toby, and he will treat me like gold for the duration of our relationship, I will stay and we will have fun, and I will be at liberty to pursue whatever career or grad program options may come up for me.

In reality, nothing is changing but my expectations. Yes, of course, I've been choking back tears all day and listening to Neko Case on my iPod, but what I'm really grieving is some fantasy that I knew was fictive and still wanted to believe in. You can't surf if there are no waves, but you can still go swimming and enjoy the beach.

Another thing worth noting on the change-o-meter is that the timid, reclusive second cat who was coaxed indoors from life as a stray has made a daily appearance since Sunday. My friend warned me that she may not even come out from under the bed while I'm here, so I'm pleased that just 3 days after I set up camp, she's feeling bold and secure enough to venture near me.

I think I will make more of an effort to write. Additionally, I will make more of an effort to stay positive and optimistic. And pray and praise. It's only Tuesday and so much has changed in my world since last week, I can scarcely believe it.