those old wheels

It's almost as if...I don't even want to utter the words.

I don't want to admit to myself, or to anyone else, especially those involved, that it's even remotely possible.  But why shouldn't I?  How is this some terrible secret, way too intense to be dealt with maturely?

I think I'm falling in love.

And it isn't with the person I was seeing last week, or the person before that.  Nothing has represented much of a connection, not directly to my heart.  They've been nice company, they're sweet and friendly, and I like to spend time with new people..

Except it feels like the attractive orbit of someone has spiraled into mine, and I think he might agree.

He's such the opposite of that bad-boy persona I think I might have continually (and unintentionally) dug up over and over again, and I'm not exactly sure how that happened.  A lovely man, a brilliant and hilarious man, with zero obvious swagger or cool factor, that I am falling over myself to be with...how did this happen?

We've spent much of the last week together.  Yes, it's only been a week.  But it feels mutual.  It feels healthy.  It feels genuine and safe, for both of us.  He's so pleasant and agreeable that I feel like I need to be better in his company.  I feel really appreciated and accepted.  I feel like I shouldn't get angry about small stuff at work, because he so obviously has a long fuse and seems impervious to minor annoyances.  He inspires me.

And though it's been just a week, we've apparently known each other and known about each other for a year.  Those orbits just needed to sync up; apparently they have.

Unfortunately, not everyone is happy that we've met.  It turns out, and this is probably all my fault, that I have a small club of admirers who are particularly aware of who I am or am not dating.  One of them has gone so far as to declare an ultimatum; he wagered his own friendship with my new object of affection as leverage for NOT dating me, which appears to be a very last-ditch and desperate effort to control a situation he cannot possibly control.  I find it incredibly petty.  And though, because of the generous and compassionate discretion of my new beau, I am not entirely certain who this person is, I am under the assumption that it is someone who recently expressed his deep feelings for me and who has blatantly attempted to impress me for several months.

And furthermore, what does that guy even know about impressing me?  He explicitly "shows off" in front of me, but doesn't know what i find attractive.  He smokes a LOT of cigarettes, which I loathe, and unabashedly pursues women everywhere, which I take to mean that he's a free agent.  He thinks cooking vegetarian will rope me in, when really I'm looking for someone who has their spiritual agenda together, who is kind and generous, who is thoughtful, compassionate, brilliant, healthy, and seeks social justice.

I appreciate his motivation, but he isn't someone who inspires me.  And I think this is the person who is trying to manipulate two people who found each other by FATE because he is dissatisfied and wants a different outcome.  Sorry, dude.

It's funny to have someone who is reliably available. Yes, it's been only a week, but we've experienced a lot together in this past week.  I'm not abandoning everything just for this experience, but it has opened my heart to a sensation that I haven't felt in so long.  It's kind of scary, because it feels very right and we've both discussed how easily we fall into syncopation.  We'll see, but for right now it's pretty amazing.

That boy.