who I am

I am a special brand.  I have a special style.  It is mine, and I earned it, through 31 years of trials and errors and successes and travels and laughter.

I will not change for you.  I will not change for any man.  I'm sorry if something about me isn't up to your specifications, especially if that something was exactly the same detail I presented on the day we met.

I'm sorry that I think you've been leading me on, dishonest, and selfish.  I appreciate your time, but I find your insincerity despicable.  For my part, I appeared to "like you more than you liked me" because I am present.  I find ways to channel love into what I'm doing and with whom I'm spending time.  I put my heart on my sleeve because I believe in love, even if it's just people crossing each other's paths briefly.

You gave me every sign that you were on the same page.  Every sign until two days ago.  And then a long list of complaints are presented that you never mentioned for weeks.

Well, sorry I'm not sorry.  This is who I fucking am.  I need a man who is strong enough to be my man, who sees my scars and understands what kind of STRENGTH they have built into me, and sees me as beautiful because of them.

I'm not sorry I like to be told that I'm beautiful.  I speak these languages of love:  words, touch, acts, quality time.  I don't give gifts, usually, because I'm mostly broke.

I think whatever you want in your life you should have in your life...but I think being wishy-washy and passive about something you don't want until you resent it so much you have to run away...well that's being a coward.

So, good luck to you.  I don't owe you a damn thing.

aflutter

One month.  A whole moth, and everything has continued to get better.  My whole physical self is charged with the sensation of love.

The fears I have about being deliberately let down...the panic I feel when a scheduled call or visit goes past due...are starting to subside.  Because I trust him.  Because I can trust him.  Because if he's 45 minutes late he has a perfectly wholesome and legitimate reason why, and he's on his way.

When I ask if he has plans, he suggests we get together.  He doesn't do what Toby did: telling me, "I'm not sure, I'll let you know..." and then making sure he was never available.  He's inviting me to be around his friends, and even coworkers.  I'm not a secret, I'm not a guilty indulgence.  I'm someone worth taking a risk for, I'm worth all his time and attention all weekend, I'm worth never looking at his phone, and I'm worth showing off to the world.  He embraces me with warmth and sincerity.  He's coming to meet my family on Thanksgiving.

And he's incredibly brilliant and creative.  He gets excited and tells me about the complicated math involved in his complicated job, and he loves to share it so much that he has to draw it out and write out formulas and functions to elaborate.  He wears a smile even when he's lost in thought.  He appreciates my sense of humor, my compassion, and my drive to be my highest self.  We both agree that we were meant to find each other, and that this was meant to happen.

I can't begin to describe how I adore this man.

those old wheels

It's almost as if...I don't even want to utter the words.

I don't want to admit to myself, or to anyone else, especially those involved, that it's even remotely possible.  But why shouldn't I?  How is this some terrible secret, way too intense to be dealt with maturely?

I think I'm falling in love.

And it isn't with the person I was seeing last week, or the person before that.  Nothing has represented much of a connection, not directly to my heart.  They've been nice company, they're sweet and friendly, and I like to spend time with new people..

Except it feels like the attractive orbit of someone has spiraled into mine, and I think he might agree.

He's such the opposite of that bad-boy persona I think I might have continually (and unintentionally) dug up over and over again, and I'm not exactly sure how that happened.  A lovely man, a brilliant and hilarious man, with zero obvious swagger or cool factor, that I am falling over myself to be with...how did this happen?

We've spent much of the last week together.  Yes, it's only been a week.  But it feels mutual.  It feels healthy.  It feels genuine and safe, for both of us.  He's so pleasant and agreeable that I feel like I need to be better in his company.  I feel really appreciated and accepted.  I feel like I shouldn't get angry about small stuff at work, because he so obviously has a long fuse and seems impervious to minor annoyances.  He inspires me.

And though it's been just a week, we've apparently known each other and known about each other for a year.  Those orbits just needed to sync up; apparently they have.

Unfortunately, not everyone is happy that we've met.  It turns out, and this is probably all my fault, that I have a small club of admirers who are particularly aware of who I am or am not dating.  One of them has gone so far as to declare an ultimatum; he wagered his own friendship with my new object of affection as leverage for NOT dating me, which appears to be a very last-ditch and desperate effort to control a situation he cannot possibly control.  I find it incredibly petty.  And though, because of the generous and compassionate discretion of my new beau, I am not entirely certain who this person is, I am under the assumption that it is someone who recently expressed his deep feelings for me and who has blatantly attempted to impress me for several months.

And furthermore, what does that guy even know about impressing me?  He explicitly "shows off" in front of me, but doesn't know what i find attractive.  He smokes a LOT of cigarettes, which I loathe, and unabashedly pursues women everywhere, which I take to mean that he's a free agent.  He thinks cooking vegetarian will rope me in, when really I'm looking for someone who has their spiritual agenda together, who is kind and generous, who is thoughtful, compassionate, brilliant, healthy, and seeks social justice.

I appreciate his motivation, but he isn't someone who inspires me.  And I think this is the person who is trying to manipulate two people who found each other by FATE because he is dissatisfied and wants a different outcome.  Sorry, dude.

It's funny to have someone who is reliably available. Yes, it's been only a week, but we've experienced a lot together in this past week.  I'm not abandoning everything just for this experience, but it has opened my heart to a sensation that I haven't felt in so long.  It's kind of scary, because it feels very right and we've both discussed how easily we fall into syncopation.  We'll see, but for right now it's pretty amazing.

That boy.

gratitude

Sitting and poring through the internet, on the fourth day of my fall break, I realized that I finally feel my pilot light ignited again.  The inner fire, the one where my light of gratitude beams out of my hands and feet, is finally burning within me again.

I'm so thankful for this opportunity to reflect and relax.  It was so desperately necessary; my heart felt so dim and dreary.  I've been taking the time I needed to focus on cleaning up my apartment, to work on some homework assignments, to have some intimate togetherness with friends, to explore my positives, and to conjure and amplify that feminine yin energy I realized I had been neglecting.

Truly, I feel more centered and balanced.  More enthusiastic, more motivated, and more at peace.

What's funny is that the returns are so immediate when you start drawing from those pools of previously untapped energy.  Just meditating on my wish to be more gentle, feminine, and beautiful has produced instant results.  A flood of attention, to my surprise!  It seems I turned on some kind of magnetism I had been neglecting.  In four days, especially, I have had men clamoring for my attention, and I hope I do not exaggerate this response.  It's very exciting!

Of course, with this recognition, I realize that I need to take responsibility for it and not abuse it.  In other words, I have to be careful and gentle with these souls who are making themselves vulnerable to me.  I cannot abuse or take them for granted, or be greedy just to validate myself.  I actually am interested in several of these men, and I think it would be unwise and selfish to entertain their affections simultaneously.  It's so common for me to have either no options at all or a deluge of suitors.

I'm also extremely grateful for my amazing friends.  I have people in my life who are just as willing to open their hearts to me as they are trustworthy with my heart.  That safety is immeasurably valuable.  They help me grow, they accept my support in the way that I offer it, and they are sincere and earnest in their affections.  I remember for so long I couldn't trust or accept that I had friends who loved me behind my back.

I think that my experience with the 'friend' on the trip to the festival last month was very valuable in providing juxtaposition to that effect; she was clearly someone who poorly concealed a distaste for my company and personality.  I got the impression that even though she declared herself as "passive," that she secretly harbored contempt for people, like me, and saw herself as remarkably superior.  She alluded to this periodically during our excursion, how she had been enlightened somehow in ways that I hadn't, how I was threatening to kill her buzz with my reaction to certain dilemmas, and how my help wasn't necessary because she could do it herself.  She clearly didn't have fun with me, and so I felt lousy around her.  I felt like I was doing it wrong.  I felt like I was being inconvenient.

I realize that I need to get over that experience and start projecting love at her, because she deserves the compassion.  I also realize how truly wonderful my friends are.  They are so supportive.  They genuinely like me for me.  We have no drama, and if we ever do, it is worked out immediately and maturely.  We get to laugh!  I tend to avoid conversations that center on griping for extended periods of time, because it's so obviously feeding the monster, even though sometimes it's just necessary to discuss it and dissect it so that the parts are more manageable to cope with.  That's why these people are great.  We encourage the best in each other.

Tomorrow I go back to work and I want to take this refreshed sense of self and purpose and gratitude with me.  I want to inspire these students, and I want to rally my colleagues.  We can't stay so out of sync forever; even metronomes all started at different times can start to oscillate in a few minutes, given the right medium.  We can do it.

landslide

It would be a challenge to describe the true extent of this past year, as I near my 31st birthday.  What has my new decade introduced me to?  I've been changing.

Maybe last year I was feeling liberated, at least marginally, from the grips of heartache.  Of rejection.  I was being squeezed through a tiny portal into my new self, and it was desperately painful.  And then I was through it, after some transformative therapy, an incredible birthday party attended by dozens of people who still refer to that event as the one that brought new friends and new loves together...I was so happy to feel so loved and embraced by people that I loved and embraced, and we were all being our authentic selves.

It's like a kaleidoscope filled with bits of colored glass.  Every view is beautiful, and then you turn the eyepiece a little and everything shifts, and that previous image is gone forever, replaced by something new.  The challenge, perhaps, is to stay open to the beauty of each arrangement, the inherent possibility with each new turn.

For a while, my heart brimmed so heavily with gratitude and love that the struggles seemed trivial and peripheral, or at least ultimately worth it.  I fell so in love with my students that I literally experienced grief when the school year ended and they bounded happily into their summer of freedom.  Several of my favorite people left the faculty.  I spent the next six weeks working in a chemistry lab at the university, and it was such happiness.

Dating was a tenuous circumstance, but I had a few options to consider and I was enjoying my time with them.  I poured a lot of my heart into a tiny baby tortoise I got in October, and we were very much in love.

With my summer job money, I committed to a trip back to southeast Asia, where I traveled throughout Thailand, into Malaysia, and out through Taiwan.  I had no idea what to expect, but maybe I was expecting something, because I went back to some of the places I had previously visited and I felt a little let down.  However, I did meet some amazing new people and I did and saw some incredible things.  I'm convinced that I am destined to live in Chiang Mai, Thailand.  It felt a little like Tucson; small and intimate but bustling with development, while embracing its history as a very, very old city.

Honestly, by the time I had been traveling for two and a half weeks, I was exhausted.  My pack was heavy, the humidity was oppressive, and I was basically very lonely.  The last three or four days of my journey consisted mostly of traveling to and from airports, waiting in lines, waiting in airports, and suspended over oceans.  I started to attack myself in my journal, feeling desolate and hopeless.  I knew I didn't want to travel alone again.

I started this school year with some hopes for improvement, but it has been difficult.  My class sizes are large.  There are a lot of students with "differentiation" needs, who basically don't show up regularly to class or turn anything in, but still hope to pass the course.  I've probably gone too fast, neglected crucial details in conveying lessons, and mapped out my curriculum without considering how much my students could probably digest.  They are very lazy this year.  I feel an added sense of pressure because our evaluation process is holding us accountable for this kind of bullshit, and because I'm also working on (and paying for) my student teaching modules this year.

My tortoise disappeared.  At first, I had hoped he merely dug himself a happy little spot, because I had spent so long trying to secure my little yard as a suitable home for him.  One day he was happily munching some sprouts in the gravel, and we had a little talk about how much I loved him and how we were going to be together for a long time.  I was holding him in my hand, and I rubbed the top of his tiny head with the tip of my finger, and he closed his eyes and held his head up and steady.  Then he went to bed, and I have never seen him since.  I put up lost posters in my complex, but I don't think there's any hope.  It's anyone's guess what has become of my Littlefoot, but I'm very sad about it.  He was my peace and love this past year.

I went on a trip to a festival in northern California with a girlfriend of mine that I haven't actually gotten to spend much time with.  We had poor chemistry, and I think it was a culmination of stress in our busy lives, fatigue from trying to prepare for this journey, and our different communication styles, but we are on different spiritual paths and it was very plain to see.  There were mishaps, as there often are in situations like this, and we were both in hormonal duress.  I thought the overall experience was quite interesting, but I found her company to be grating and tedious, because she talked about herself the entire time, repeating the same dozen or so things over and over, even sometimes interrupting the rare comment I attempted to make about anything.  She was self-centered, snotty and passive aggressive, and never laughed at any of my jokes, which truly comprise half of what I ever say.  So it was clear that she didn't really enjoy my personality, and I instead grew grumpy and maybe a little cantankerous.  Mostly, though, I just stopped talking.  We spent four days together, except for the part where she walked off the first day "to get water" and I didn't find her until I went back to the campsite at the end of the night.  We were much better when there was someone else, anyone else, to dampen our energy, but I felt unappreciated and misunderstood.  When we finally made it back to her house, I expressed dismay that I still had two more hours to drive (it was already 11:30 pm on a Monday night).  She argued with me about how she drove the whole way back (by choice) and that I wasn't being sympathetic about her plight.  I immediately conceded, and tried to thank her for all she had done.  She said I complained "a lot," and walked away, just as we got out of the car.  There's not really anything I can say to that.  I asked her not to do this right now, and she said she just needed to get it off her chest...and then dismissed it as her being tired.

So, I hurriedly loaded my stuff from her car to mine, and apologized to her for 'ruining her trip.'  Then I said thanks again for everything, got in my car, and as she demanded to know why I was "so angry," I closed the door and drove away.  The following weekend I decided to send her a thank-you note, because she really did move heaven and earth to make the trip a success, and I looked up her address from a private message thread on Facebook.  So I've been unfriended and she changed her name.    I sent the card anyway.  I'm at peace with not having someone who clearly doesn't love me for who I am as a "friend."  Who knows what she was expecting me to be, but I was obviously a disappointment for her.  I won't lie; I'm still working it out in my heart and trying to let it not make me angry, but I believe she deserves to be forgiven and I would like to see her with compassion anyhow.  It was an unfortunately expensive way to lose a friend, but maybe she wasn't really that much of a friend and the rewards of the festival experience will reveal themselves in many other ways.

I have met a boy, this time in person, and simultaneous to me shutting down my online dating endeavors.  I was fed up with the quality of the experience, and had told myself that I could literally meet someone at any moment.  So far, we have communicated for about a month, with a handful of dates.  It feels different from my typical encounters, and he has a very good energy.  I sense more inexperience and less crippling baggage, so that's encouraging.  We have a nice time together, and I got to meet some of his friends, who are just as cool to be around.  He makes no effort to show off or tease me, but instead actually laughs at my jokes and treats me with respect.  I'm going to try my best not to juxtapose this experience to anything else; it's unique and he's very nice to me.  I don't have that same grim pessimism about being incapable of meeting people in person.  I haven't let someone look into my eyes in a long time.

I've arrived at the realization that I am going through very profound spiritual changes right now.  Like a molt.  I compiled a bunch of videos for my kids of arthropods molting, and they lay still and struggle slightly while this too-small shell splits open along a seam and they carefully pull themselves out of the nooks and crannies.  It's a terrifically long process, and several of the videos are time-lapse to capture the whole thing in a bearable amount of footage.

I think that must be what I am doing.  Responding to these tight quarters and the growth happening beneath the surface, and now I'm vulnerable and struggling to free myself from what used to be comfy digs.  And it's painfully slow!  My Netflix suggestions lately are all about spiritual growth and existential accounts and everything is energy and how to be happy, because it's all I'm compelled to watch and internalize.

My sense of gratitude went away.  Nothing really changed about my life--I still have the same basic circumstances, my health, employment, beautiful town, and friends.  I lost my overwhelming awareness for the beauty and love around me.  I know it's there, but I haven't been dwelling on it, and now it's clear that I need to be dwelling on it.  I forgot that this was all a gift.

Enlightenment is a process.  The Buddha faced years of questions before he finally understood.  Christ talked about the God within Himself but emphasized that the same God was in all of us.  That makes sense to me, but we are also equipped with the option to filter out that divine connection and focus on the preoccupation with this limited, material world.  I'm trying to conjure back my feminine energy, the yin, to balance the yang male energy that I have allowed to dominate my presence.  I'm trying to focus on the powerful loving energy in everyone with whom I have any kind of encounter, and see them as energetic beings, rather than frail and flawed.  I'm trying to find joy in my job, because it is a source of frustration and despair more than accomplishment or growth.

Though I realize that this means I really am learning a lot there.  Who I am now and what I choose to do at every moment is important.  If I make a mistake, I must learn from it and forgive myself and everyone else involved.

So I've been 30 for almost 11 months.  What a year.

deluge

This weekend, I blew out of Tucson, the day after it snowed for hours upon end.  It was a four-day weekend to celebrate the Rodeo, which I've never celebrated but am always thankful for.

Thursday I stayed home and graded papers.  I am a pauper.  No gasoline to send me to Phoenix.  It was no big deal.

Friday, I packed in a hurry, threw all my laundry into baskets and leaped into my car.

Friday was exciting:
Arrival in Phoenix and Vietnamese vegetarian bun at my favorite place.  A quick friendly chat with my mom and grandma before getting ready for a very long evening.

Fashion show for Tiffe's line (and other designers'), saw Jennifer dance with fire, and met two new friends.  One of them is an animator for "Archer," the other is his friend who modeled in the fashion show.

Then to a birthday rave in the warehouse district with Sonia.  We dance with reckless abandon.  We saw Rianna, and Issa.  I saw Eddie, whom I've known since 6th grade.  He asked me if I would be interested in getting involved.  He's beautiful, and I'm flattered, but I don't see that happening.  I went home very late, and slept.

Saturday, my mom and I went to the Rio Salado Habitat Restoration area for "Dragonfly Day," but there were no dragonflies yet.  I'm not sure I agree with the event title.  I did get to meet a redtail hawk, a Great Horned owl, and an American kestrel.   I collected algae from the creek, into the water bottle I begged for from my mom.  I met three giant macaws, bright jewels they were.  I fed one blueberries and, once all the pawing, nagging children had disappeared, his owners let me hold him on my hands.  It was beautiful.

Then we got Grandma and had an early birthday lunch for my mom.  We were tired and very hungry, so I felt tense, but it resolved.

Then I took a little nap, and met Andy for tea at Lux.  He is delightful to see, he is so inspired and passionate.  This makes me very happy.

Then I went home and got ready for another party in Tempe.  This time, an "epic" fetish party hosted by friends in the industrial art scene.  My friend belly danced, and her boyfriend introduced me to a variety of men who each dripped all over me for a fair amount of time.  It was nice validation.  I made out with a familiar face.  I got home so late.  I slept for so little.

Up on Sunday, and did laundry before heading to church!  Thank goodness it was just 45 minutes (though I was admittedly late).  I rushed back home and threw the sheets in the dryer, then met my old best friend Katie for lunch.  We are going to grow close again, I can feel it.  She is a beautiful thing.

Then I went to visit Toby's mom at her house.  They are going to sell it soon, so she is preparing to show the house through the realty company many times.  She is always thinking of me, and had purchased items from the Korean market to give me.  What a woman.  I love her so much.

Then my parents filled my gas tank, thank goodness!  I got my laundry and clean clothes together and said bye to my grams.  I launched down the highway to try and be in Tucson in time.  Of course, there's always traffic near the Queen Creek section of the I-10.  I simply cannot figure out why.

I drove straight the the UA to meet Wendy.  She had tickets for us to see an incredible dance company called Momix perform a show called Botanica.  I now count that as one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced.  Pure and surreal from beginning to end.  I feel like something came alive in me, as though existence changed somehow.

And then I finally made it back to my quiet home.  I ate the soup Kumiko gave me.  I put on my pajamas.

I need sleep.  What an incredible weekend.

Fully Operational

Another year, and thankfully some incredible new insight.

I'll start from where I left off.

Last October, provided with a monumental challenge of the heart, I stuck up for myself in a big way.  At the time, and for months afterward, I was not happy that I made that decision, and it hurt so deeply I can't even describe it.  I slipped into a deep despair and cried regularly.  It was helpful to be around friends, because they were understanding and supportive, but the burden was mine alone to bear.  I felt the sting of having lost what might have been love, my heart burned from a sense of rejection, and no amount of rationalizing that I had done the right thing could salve my wounds.

At the zenith of this suffering, I found myself longing for death...something I had not begged for in many years.  I knew it was time to go to therapy again.

My therapist worked hard to help me find my center, and validated me and my pains.  She was a bit inarticulate, so I felt that I often had to decode her meaning, but her sincerity made up for it.  I made leaps and bounds in understanding myself and loving myself, and turned 30 with a refreshed new outlook on my life.

• I am dating myself and I love treating myself with kindness, patience, and gentleness
• I will not take emotional crumbs just to assume the title of "in a relationship;" therefore, I have higher standards for the men I am involved with
• I have learned that my previous attitudes about desperately clinging to dysfunctional, emotionally scarce relationships stem from my father and his regular disappearances and reappearances in my life 
• My friends are the center of my focus right now, and I am taking this time to cultivate healthy relationships and cheerful memories with them
• I am revisiting many things from my past, such as television shows, music, and books, that I am allowing myself to enjoy from a healthier, happier perspective, so that I can heal that broken girl of long ago
• I like to think that I am unpacking my baggage
• I love my body, and I take care of my body, and I feel confident in my skin (unless I am bloated!)
• I like my job and I am working hard to make a difference in the lives of my students; additionally my coworkers are wonderful people and I am trying to be a supportive, contributing member of the faculty
• I'm generally responsible with the upkeep of my household, and I have made serious effort in staying financially afloat and on top of all my bills
• I'm back into discovering and loving music
• I'm happy.  I really am happy.

So, the new me armored with self-confidence and a better understanding of how to love myself has been challenged in much the same way as last October.  A couple weeks ago, the fireman called me out of the blue, late in the evening, to invite me over to meet his new dog.  I was so blind-sided by it that I went over there and fell for the obvious trap of a booty call.

He tried again two days later, but I was unavailable.  I asked him to call me that weekend, and he did.  I made my case to him, that I still hadn't wavered in the terms I set before: I am not a casual hook-up, and if I am with him it is because I am special to him and for no less.  He's still opposed to the idea of a relationship, and so that was basically the gridlock.  We agreed that he would no longer contact me, though it was not without regret that I said goodbye a second time.

My wonderful girlfriends protected me from a lonely night following that phone call, and their consensus was that I did a good but difficult thing.  They were proud of me.  I felt much better.  Since then I have felt several twinges of disappointment, but I realize that it is allowed to affect me, and I am allowed to think about it.  I simply no longer feel the sharp pain in my chest when I picture what I might have lost with that man.  He is broken and I am not.  I do not want to be with a broken man.

I really am blessed and I am pleased to continue growing from this place.