just a little bit longer

Well, it's the Fourth of July. We started today at a very nice little hostel/ranch out in Cuba, NM, where we spent two nights. It was great because I got a dorm bed in an otherwise completely empty dorm room, so I had some privacy, and the hostel is set on 360 acres, including a pond, meadow, pine and aspen forest, several horses, and lots of happy people.

I wasn't feeling incredibly social, however, so I opted not to strike up conversations with anybody, and let Richard get some socializing in. I suppose sometimes I dominate conversations he could very likely join in on if not for being rather timid in most situations. This was his time to make buddies.

So, we stayed there late into the morning. Too late, for my taste; I really wanted to get up and start going, since I am just feeling extremely anxious about everything right now, not to mention I am dealing with an extended session of pms and am desperately trying to remain amicable. Most of the time, that means me sitting quietly placid rather than spitting venom and scowling. Then we FINALLY left for Albuquerque, where we're staying two nights at another hostel. This string of hostels is fine with me, welcome in fact, because the other option is camping in a tent that is quite literally on its last leg, out in the hot humid air.

We got here about 4:30pm, got the tour and set up our room. The staff (mostly off-duty) were congregated outside barbecuing a lot of meat and peppers, and suddenly a trio struck up in song: a guy singing and playing guitar, a girl with a violin, and another guy with an accordion!! They were playing some fantastic Creole music, and it just sounded so nice! I went out and sat in the meaty smoke and drank in the cheer of those sweet tunes.

Then we left for the Route 66 Diner, just down the street, and I had fish and chips like I did last time (but this time wasn't as good for some reason), and then we rolled over to the Albuquerque Isotopes game. We had mediocre seats, but there were over 15,000 people there, so our section had good energy, and the whole crowd managed to get a very impressive wave going and it made it all the way around FOUR TIMES! I couldn't stop giggling and clapping, it was by far the best part of the night for me.

Our team lost, but not by much, since they had a really great 9th inning. Afterwards, we watched a fantastic fireworks display set to the most god awful country music boasting "our country" and "patriotism" and crap. When they finally started playing the more apropos (albeit cliche) crashing-cymbal classical tunes, it was during the crowd's exit. I caught some photos on my phone, but again they're tiny, and I'm hoping to upload lots of photos from Richard's camera tomorrow. I'll slap more good stuff up here then, I think.

But, it's been a big effort to try and stay upbeat, because my company has been so fucking boring and blank and sometimes even snippy. We correct each other all the time, which I suppose could be construed as butting heads, but he takes contradicting what I say to unnecessary heights. I can't fucking point something out without him telling me what it actually is, he's so damned bad at conversation. I HATE IT. He's absolutely no fun to be around, he's so damned uptight! Nothing's ever funny, or easy, or lighthearted, because it's always some fact, some cold, hard piece of serious truth that I got "wrong" that he has to set me straight on.

I will not miss this person. I can't seem to have any fun with him, he never even SMILES, and if he does, it's so brief or minimal I hardly believe it. I know that's actually a very sad thing, and sure I should have a lot of compassion for someone who lets life hold him down so firmly. I know I should! It just seems like my having fun is annoying to him, so he's even more poopy and distant. The whole time we were at this game I felt like I was talking to a complete stranger who wanted me to shut up and stop bugging him. That's how he ALWAYS treats me!

Then he fucking tells me "we're a team," like he ever takes my advice or treats me like an equal. What a fucking crock.

Anyway, that's my rant. There are still so many explosions outside I doubt I'd be able to sleep right now, so I'm unwinding with the Internet. It's nearly midnight, and I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I plan to hang out with some home girls I met at the hot springs hostel in Truth or Consequences last week. Was it already last week? They seemed like a lot of fun and seem interested in chillin', which is flattering and also a very welcome getaway!

The great thing, though, is that tomorrow is the 5th of July, the next day is the 6th, after that the 7th, then the 8th, and then finally July 9th! The day I finally HEAD HOME!

This is purely the proverbial home, unfortunately, because I have no real address, no bed even, I just have a load of furniture and boxes being harbored in Phoenix. I have family and friends in Phoenix. It's a landing pad, a home base, a respite from this surreal expedition.

I am probably the brokest I've ever been, too. I am deeply nervous about this, where to find money, how to quickly obtain a job, and how to not get sucked into an immediate rut.

Why am I so worried? Don't I know that's not the way the world works? Things won't stand still until I move them, I'll get carried up in it and God will provide for my needs. Never failed before.

This is just probably the most unusual time in my life. Suddenly facing no school, no job, no home, no money, no plans, no destination, no relationship, all at once. My chest is an impact crater for how many times the reality has set in on me.

I saw some cool books in this absolutely massive catalogue called "The Whole World" about different takes on spirituality. This is always a difficult subject to write about, possibly even more difficult to read about. But I wrote down three books that piqued my fancy; one about the Aboriginal approach to the consciousness of the universe, one about Buddhist philosophies and centering oneself with the one consciousness, and one about Sufism (based on many Islamic principles). Maybe at Bookman's? That would extremely convenient.

So, it's officially tomorrow. I can now count down from FIVE days! Five five five five five.

This girl is dying to go home.