reconvening

I don't know.  The only comfort is that nobody knows what the hell they're doing.  Nobody's got the answers, or can give the perfect advice, or can fix anything for anyone else.  I'm definitely not pretending to be graceful or appropriate.

My heart feels this way.  It feels this way and sometimes I act on things without stopping myself, with little foresight (because I have none), and I can't hide my feelings from anyone.

So Noah texted me earlier this week, to say hi basically, but also because he was clearly thinking about me.  I welcomed his conversation and told him I was happy to hear from him, and that of course I've been thinking about him.  We chatted a few minutes, and that was it.  In my head, nothing has changed, it's still a hopeless situation with no future between us, and I'm centered and collected.

But that's not really how I feel.  I feel like my heart is exploding for him, I'm angry that he obviously cares for me and misses me, but that he's scared of a relationship, and I crave his tenderness and attention.

That craving overcame me, and I felt like really I could meet him for drinks to catch up and that it would be platonic with little trouble, because I really just missed his company and wanted to know about how he's been.  I text him after work a few days ago, and invited him to meet me the next night, and didn't hear from him.  I grimaced as I told a friend that I hoped he didn't reply, so it wouldn't end up being the obvious temptation that I might not be able to withstand.  I continued not hearing from him that night, and imagined that I might have lucked out.

Well the next day he did accept my invitation.  And he seemed to be genuinely looking forward to it.

I met him at the Shelter, picked right up where we left off, talked cheerfully and easily as old friends, and at some point he mentioned his dismay that a friend of his had given up on a relationship.  He emphasized how much he believed in relationships, and I stopped him.  "This...coming from Noah?"  He said he believed in them, he just didn't know what to do with a relationship.  I left it alone.

After a few hours it was obviously time for us to call it a night.  He walked me to my car, and I gave him a hug, which I neglected to pull away from.  So we stood there, for at least ten minutes, embracing.  We exchanged "I've really missed you"s and tightened our arms around one another.  He kneaded his hands into my back, and I worked my fingers into his tight neck muscles.  I said I was sorry for still holding on to him, and he said he wasn't about to stop me.  He sighed, and then said, "I'm half-tempted to suggest that we finish this backrub the right way at my house."  For a minute, I didn't say anything, but then I said, "If I say yes, will you say yes?"

"If you say yes, I'll definitely say yes.  It might be a huge mistake, but I would say yes."  He told me.  So we pulled apart and agreed to meet at his place.

Noah has always fallen over himself to do kind and generous things for me.  He insisted that I get a massage first, because he "owed" me.  It was so appreciated, because I really did need the work on my muscles, and because I could feel his heart pouring onto me.  And at the end of it, I just happened to be shirtless.  And then it was his turn, and I got to touch him again, and care for him and tend to him.

Being intimate with Noah has always been better when we were more sober.  I felt very present, because I wanted to experience every detail.  I needed it, his touch, his embrace, his passion for me.  I needed to have him wrapped around me as he fell asleep.

I don't pretend that this means anything for us, as if we might get back together.  He's still obviously in a bromance with his friends, and they serve as easy insulation in a pinch (read: when the fear of getting too close kicks in).  But I'm sorting it out again, from a much more complicated angle, because that whole night it was very obvious that this man loves me.  He mentioned in many ways how he likes people like me for a host of flattering reasons.  He said we definitely need to hang out more often.  He kept my self-portrait that I sneakily took on his phone a day or so after he got it.  He mentioned how he was telling his family about my brother's woes with a recall part for his hybrid, and how they had a big discussion about it.  He paid very close attention to my subtle stretching out my aching back, and insisted I explain why it hurt so much.  He told me how I ought to meet his mom, because she and I could relate to one another about our passion for art history.  He knows me well, he gets me, and he takes care of me.

And dammit I'm so angry that he's afraid of a serious relationship with me.  How can my feelings for him change?  I told him that night, "Noah, it's you.  It's you.  You don't like me saying this, but you're special."  And I mean that.  And of course he balked at it, but it's true.

Maybe I've fucked myself over by not being strong.  I don't know how I'm going to replace a man like him.  I don't know how I'd ever hope to trump the incredibly high standards he has set for men I date.  Hopefully this isn't going to leave me on the brink of tears for another two months.  At least the communication between us is a little more forthcoming, at least in the areas where it wasn't before.

I'm angry that the situation isn't any different.  Well, maybe it's different in some ways, like I drew my line in the sand, and I got things off my chest I should have done ages earlier.  But also, maybe he has gotten to see what his life is like without me in it, and how I was a good thing for him.

Anyway, the energy I poured unabashedly into him and his life and his social circle I am now reserving more for myself, my friends, my garden, and my students.  I'm dating a little and I've already seen how other men still can't compare to him.  I am trying to honor my center and my need to be centered.  I'm not going to obsess over this heartache forever, and I'm going to let myself heal, dammit.

But I think I can already see that I'll be in love with this man all my life.  Whether that means anything for our paths down the line, who's to say?  I'm nobody and I've got no answers.  I just want to love and I'm trying to survive my pursuit of it.