blessings and perspective

After reflecting on the events of my thirtieth year, I had concluded, just before my 31st birthday, that that had so far been the best year of my life.  The most transformative, and the healthiest.

I'm always working out how to be healthy.  It's really not a permanent fix, I've realized.  Therapy has done its part in many ways, but obviously it needs to have a permanent, semi-regular place in my life.

I certainly don't pretend to remember all the lessons I've learned as I've grown.  There are the subtle ones that dawn on me for a moment or two, or those that impart their wisdom to me through repeated trial and error (and error and error and error).  And the ones I fought hard to learn, even...those ones I don't always put into practice, sadly.

But I've learned a few valuable lessons that I don't think I'll ever forget:

* Be grateful.
* Be authentic with your words--don't say things you don't mean (but I'm working on not verbally abusing myself when I feel down). Speak with love.
*Help others when you can, and do so enthusiastically.
* Love fearlessly.  Love your friends.  Love your family.  Love your pets.  Love your environment.  Love your work, and the purpose it serves.

And here's where my life lessons have led me, at least at this present moment.

For the sake of seeing this beautiful thing through with Noah, I am practicing patience, perspective, and reservation of judgment.  For example, I know that sometimes my mood will swing, typically when I'm not in his company, and I will be riddled with doubt about myself, our situation, how he feels, how I look, etc.  I have to remind myself that the world is not waiting for me to make a decision, that circumstances will inevitably shift to something better or different or worse or whatever, but they will change nonetheless.

This helps me wait it out, my funky mood.  That way, I'm fresh-faced and delighted to see Noah every time, rather than an attention-craving ball validation-seeking anxiety.

Also, it has helped me to pull back quite a bit and focus on spending time doing things with other people, checking important things off my to-do list, and getting my work accomplished.  Noah gets his shit done, and sets a very good example, but when I hang out with him, he has generally already completed many tasks, whereas I have many yet to tend to.  And then we just relax in each other's company, while my tasks wait un-tended.

Some time ago, I sat down with my dear friend and we sketched out our ideal partners.  I knew I wanted someone who I could respect, who could keep up with me, who challenged me, who appreciated me, who was affectionate, honest, open, and reliable.  I wanted a man I was attracted to, who had a healthy sexual appetite, and with whom I had excellent chemistry.  I wanted a man who didn't just think about himself, but who was generous and kind to others, including his friends, his lover, his family, and everyone else.  I wanted a man who took care of himself and his affairs, with a cheerful and sharp wit, who appreciated and "got" my sense of humor and respected my opinions and passions.  I wanted a man who was proud to have me around, and to introduce me to other important people in his life.  AND I wanted a man who actively made the time to be with me.

This last part was especially important, because it was so blatantly where I was neglected by Toby for so many years.  In fact, the entire time, come to think of it.

And it's amazing how accurately this list describes Noah.  He is the most amazing man.  Not perfect, of course, and I would never argue that, but he is a good man.  He is humble and courteous, he is peaceful and approachable.  He appreciates variety and the plethora of talents and aspirations and loves that other people embrace, even if he does not embrace those things.

And damnit, this man spends time with me.  I am not demanding, I am not high-maintenance, and I never feel like a burden because when I request Noah's time, he fucking finds some way to give it to me.  He does not try to dodge me or give vague predictions about his future schedule.  He wraps his beautiful arms around me tight, all night, and treats me like he wants to be with me.

I can't even begin to describe how much that means to me.  Much less tell him.  But I think he knows.  I think we both know, we're taking care of each other.  We're in this to be good to the other, to lift the other up, to be our best selves, and to enjoy the experience.

I was hoping, really deeply aching, for the past month or two, to know where we stood on the "official" standpoint... was I his girlfriend?  He'd mentioned before not wanting a relationship but feeling conflicted because he was that into me...and then we just kept spending time together.  I was laying in bed next to him last weekend, turning the script over in my head, rephrasing something along the lines of, "Hey, how d'you feel about calling me your girlfriend?" or something equally casual.  I had mulled it over so many times I'm sure I was sending some serious transmissions directly to him, since we were wrapped around each other in the sleepy hours of the morning.  I never mustered the courage to ask him directly.

That evening, over text message, we discussed plans for watching the college basketball championship game, and he asked me to remind him to pick up "food for girlfriend" completely un-prompted.  It was such a relief!  At least I know now that he's feeling steady with me.  I've gotten burned so many times in the last two years, it's an incredible compliment to have someone I think so highly of finally decide I was worth investing some time into.

He openly respects me, my work, my opinions, and my judgment of character.  He affectionately sits near me, touches me with his leg, or shoulder, or wraps his arm around me, or sits near me, or holds me so tight when we hug goodbye.

And today we went to the hardware store, and as we were leaving spotted an older man tying four long pieces of wood to the back of his motorcycle.  Noah considered asking him if we could carry that wood home for the man while he followed us with his bike...and we made it to the driveway when Noah turned around and decided to ask him if he could use the help.  The man declined graciously, but the gesture was worth it.

I'm so damn proud to be this man's significant other.  I have such profound respect for him, and I feel so good to be with him.  I'm not going to bop around declaring my love for him (even though secretly, in my head, I do it all the time), but I am truly honored and humbled to blessed with his companionship.  It's certainly worth practicing all my previous life lessons and all the wisdom I've ever acquired just to ensure that this relationship is the healthiest it is capable of being.

So I'm trying to dust off all those lessons I probably learned when I was heartbroken and hopeless the last six years of my life.  I'd like to really appreciate the journey that brought me to this amazing man.  Even if this isn't the end of the road in love, I am very happy to be right where I am.