Survival Guide

*CAUTION: Explicit Horn-Tooting in this Post*

As part of my healing campaign, the one where I gradually learn to love myself for my journey and who it has made me, I am reflecting on my strengths.

I am a survivor.

For example, I survived seven years of sexual abuse at the hands of my step father, who never faced any recourse other than my deep loathing and lack of trust for decades to follow.  My brother is also graciously in my corner and fiercely angry on my behalf...but I have overcome the sense of worthlessness that comes from being objectified as a child and adolescent.  My sexuality is no longer a pathological cry for help.  Sex is a beautiful and passionate expression of love, intimacy, and trust, rather than a means of validating my warped self-image.  SURVIVOR.

I have also traveled around the country alone a number of times.  With next to no possessions, money, or amenities.  I washed my hair in rest area sinks.  I slept where I fell, and learned to get by on a few bites of food each day.  I met new people easily and did not allow myself to be taken advantage of.  I found my peace and meditated deeply.

I took this to the next level when I began traveling abroad.  I've gone to several countries by myself, always on the cheap, and with a bare-bones agenda of simply getting there and then getting back out again: a simple recipe for an amazing adventure that unfolds however it pleases.  I am quite capable of traveling and being alone, in any circumstance I may find myself.  I am not afraid.  SURVIVOR.

I know what the inside of my car engine looks like.  My stepdad is a wealth of knowledge and technical ability when it comes to problem-solving and repairs on all manner of machinery, especially cars.  I've participated in many repairs (even though I am always purely a novice), and have helped whenever I am allowed to.  He honors my curiosity by engaging me in the process and no longer condescends my abilities or comprehension.  I have a small but complete set of tools that he gave me for Christmas one year, and a repair manual for my Jeep.  I am obviously not able to repair my own car if I broke down in the desert somewhere, but simple issues do not frighten or elude me.  I will not be swindled by any mechanic.  I will never be "stranded" anywhere.  SURVIVOR.

My own hard path and heavy drug use to escape depression did not kill me, even though suicide was a sincere thought in my mind for a long time.  I made one attempt at my own life, at one of my darkest moments, and at another I had a near-death experience that I lamented as a lost opportunity to simply end it all.  This prompted me to pursue professional psychological support, which dramatically turned my life around.  The many incongruities between my heart and soul, the pain and blockage, have been slowly worked out, smoothed down, soothed away.  It has brought me to this very point, at this very moment writing this diary entry.  I'm sharing my love for life and propping up others who are hurting.  I'm not just surviving, I'm helping save lives.  SURVIVOR.

I am but a drop of the universe.  My energy is all of the energy, in some different form.  I'm not separate, not distinct, not alone.  My equipment and wiring has its limits and is not always trained on acknowledging the connectedness and uniformity of universal love energy, but music connects all of that for me--it helps me to expand when I have become constricted. It reminds me that I am timeless and that everything around me is timeless.  No conflict is so great that the universe will cease, especially not a car issue or relationship drama.  How very liberating to remember that the universe does not make mistakes, that it is right on schedule, and we are precisely where we should be.  That's how I survive.