When I'm feeling like nobody

These days of dragging my limbs, prizing my way through the barriers before each hour of every laborious day, forcing myself to remember to suck enough air into my lungs, facing the bleak realizations that my dearest loves cause me financial hemorrhaging, unable to perform a consistent character role in front of a hundred scrutinizing judges. These days of knowing I am healing and still putting myself within firing range. These horrible days of endless options and no options at all, no confidence, years of empty qualifications earned. These days that turn into weeks of bad habits, poor choices, slipping backwards, short tempers, malnutrition, and empty gas tanks.

I am, quite literally, almost always running on empty. Fueling up costs me at least $50 each time, and driving to Phoenix for my dance commitments nearly 8 times a month is running me around $300 a month, at least. I am officially the proud possessor of two dollar bills and zero bank account funds. One of my students was robbed of his vending machine lunch during my class, and because we were unable to turn it up from the students, I covered the cost of it even though I honestly could not afford to give him the money. I can't get to work tomorrow, I literally have so little gasoline. And I've done this all to myself.

With my grand plans, and all my years of effort, I feel no closer to my goal of graduate school. I've not even been officially rejected, but with three full months gone by, there's not much reason to hold on to that hope. It's going to take another year, more applications, more fees, more trying.

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