Well obviously I'm doing it to my own disfavor. I'm clinging tightly to what I expect from others. I let go of some specific expectations from Toby, but it kind of seems part and parcel; now it doesn't make any sense to hold onto the other things. Especially when he makes no significant effort to stay in touch with me. It's a deliberate effort to push me out of his life.

I'll be brief but I want to put something here that has affected my spirit in a meaningful way:



I am a sponge for other people's energy. I desperately hope that I don't announce that to others in earnest and have it misconstrued as an excuse, because I genuinely have to struggle with the negative energy of others, and I am beaming after interacting with positive people. I am agitated after time with critical, standoffish, belligerent, judgemental, contentious, needy, selfish, inconsiderate people.

I'm especially agitated tonight. I ought to go to bed, because there's nothing that brooding over a lousy disappointment will fix. Sleep repairs most of my grumpiness, so it seems only logical to go to bed.

The next week and a half really need to be a step up from this, socially. In other respects, today was a find day; truly grand, in fact. I made a major leap forward in my field, as far as I'm concerned. My understanding seems clearer, my goals more specific and attainable, my path more defined. I have skills and I have experience and I know various things going on in my field. I could hold a conversation with someone whom I admire greatly, and I learned a huge amount from him today. I didn't bumble around with inarticulate, rambling sentences or self-aggrandize or tactlessly pursue conversation I oughtn't.

Where I'd like to work on things, truly, is how to separate myself from the self-conscious notion that everyone else has it figured out, but that I'm still some socially-stunted freak.

I don't want to pine away for someone to love and desire me. I've been hurting to be special for a long damned time. I just want to let it go.