because it's worth mentioning, i guess..

i wasn't going to write about this situation, because...i don't know...it wasn't resolved and didn't feel right to journalize.

but because of recent events, i'll spill:

all this time that i've been keeping my spirits high and being fun and smiley and cheerful, i didn't have any idea those were "signals" that were being misinterpreted. you got it, it blew up in my face.

three nights ago, after a few beers and in the bitter cold of yet another freezing night, my p.i. and i were hanging out and trying to stay warm. he decided that it was appropriate to try to kiss me, and managed only to kiss my hair several times. then he suggested i sleep using his body heat! so i said no thanks, no offense, i'll be fine roughing it. we went for a walk to warm up after that, and i tried to act as though that whole bit hadn't just happened.

i mean, come ON. as soon as i made it to santa fe, i called a friend and was finally able to hash it out. she commended me on my boundary-guarding, and i felt more empowered. it isn't as though this guy is a creep, i'm just totally and completely not interested, we're in a PROFESSIONAL relationship and we work together endlessly, and i clearly have the word "Rebound" stamped on my forehead (i know i've used this metaphor multiple times, but it seems most apropos).

i'm totally still reeling from my breakup and move-out and dramatic life changes. under the circumstances, i thought it was best to try to project the most positive energies i could possibly muster. and things were going so well for us; we were having such a great time together (at least i was), and now everything was stupid and complicated (at least for me).

the awkwardness transformed into irritation, and by the time we made it to santa fe, i was plain sick of seeing his face, sick of his indecision, sick of being in a hot car, sick of the silence (even though i had nothing to say) despite the music we were playing.

man, then we were planning to go out last night somewhere fun and local. first we went to best buy to get him a new digital camera and me an external hard-drive (which is why my computer is singing and happy and carefree now). i spent most of yesterday doing laundry and being scarce. i went and got myself a massage (good but not great) and asked the masseuse where i should go, and she suggested something fun downtown. i bought a road atlas and had dinner (while i was out with the car). i came back to the hostel and we switched off and he went for dinner and a pint.

i stayed in our room and uploaded photos to my photobucket (seriously, go check it out! it's all out of order but i've tried to label most everything http://s304.photobucket.com/albums/nn162/freeheadway/). it took so long to upload all those pictures that i wasn't even done by the time he came back. and then we had to go out, and i was really too tired.

anyway, my long, long story is actually wrapping up. we went to this bar in the touristy area called "the matador" which my massage therapist had suggested, and it was right across the street from another bar which the receptionist at the hostel had suggested, so we thought we'd try both. i was supposedly the designated driver, but i really needed to be drunk i think. i insisted that he buy me one drink, and the place was bumpin' because there were live dj's and they rocked the house! it was little and everyone there was talking to their own little cliques, so there wasn't anywhere for me to escape to, so i sat down with my drink and forced conversation and gradually loosened up. then i bought myself a martini, but it was HUGE and expensive, and by the time i was finished with it, i was officially drunk. we went across to the other bar and they had a downstairs, too, where they were playing a "no doubt" live concert dvd, and it was fun and nostalgic.

after my third drink, i was clearly in better spirits again. we left and i was itching to say something about this whole business. so in the car, i asked why he kissed me the other night. he said because, um, it felt like an affectionate moment. i told him he shouldn't do it again, and he said he wouldn't. i told him he made things awkward, and he apologized.

so those were the "recent events" that seemed to turn things around a bit. i was satisfied because i had finally addressed a topic that had been bugging me severely, and we came back to the hostel and crashed out.

this morning, however, i still feel very little warmth towards him. my comfort level dropped significantly, and i'm pretty disappointed about the whole situation. i'm still irritated being around him. what a bummer.

so perhaps it hasn't be resolved at all.

yikes.