Posts
I've checked out. I have no focus and no drive to complete anything. Once again those little nagging voices in the back of my head tell me that people don't like me, that I'm not good at my job, that I'm disappointing everyone, that I'm responsible for everything that's going wrong. I'm not content or satisfied with my body, my teaching style, my relationships with my friends, or what I'm planning to do with myself when I uproot once more and move overseas.
Korea, for all its quirks and befuddlements and frustrating idiosyncrasies, is my home. It's what I know, it's familiar, and it has provided me extensive shelter during the economic storm that seems much more severe back in the States. Leaving what I know and diving into the unknown, again, is obviously good for me and won't kill me...but it's severely distracting.
I have a lot to do and I don't feel like I'm good enough for it, recently anyway, and it's hampering my ability to get things accomplished, which compounds my feelings of ineptitude. My interests are scattered all over the place, and my brain and personality feel just as scattered. I'm so tired today!
Yesterday, without even proofreading it, I sent an email to my mom as an attempt to confront the issues I have with the way she treats me (and my grandma, and my brother). We'll see if she even acknowledges I said anything. That's the thing with emotional abuse: she won't even admit it's happening, and therefore I am just wrong because I'm overreacting and she's completely justified in doing anything she wants whenever she feels so inclined. I approached it very gently, without being too vague, and expressed only a portion of the iceberg of issues I have with her. I just don't know where it will go. Maybe I'm being extra hard on myself because it scares me to even go near reality with my mom.
It's terrifying.
3.25.2010
3.17.2010
same sad song
Having distanced myself for a significant time from frequent interpersonal interactions with my mother, I'd venture that it has allowed me a great deal of room to grow and heal. I want to love my mom, despite how hurtful she has been to me my entire life, and I want to have a positive, decent relationship with her. The idea of cutting that part out and not speaking to her again is almost out of the question, but the way she treats me, still, from so far away, makes me wonder if I would be better off.
When I do talk to her, she frequently cuts me off without letting me make a point or finish my statement, regardless of the topic. If it has to do with money, she simply can't be wrong. It's so difficult to discuss MY money matters and my approaches with her infallible, credit-is-evil stance, especially when for six years I've had a loan and credit cards and I'm not drowning in debt. What I'm doing is working for me, but I can't even tell her calmly about my mature money decisions, because her convictions are superior and she will cut me off mid-sentence to rant.
Not to mention, she'll openly slam my brother, or my dad, or my grandma. Three people I love and value, one of whom is dead, one of whom is in her last few years, and one with whom I should have a healthy relationship for the rest of my life. She doesn't hold back when she's feeling hateful, and she will criticize anyone and everyone. She especially does not treat me with respect when she is annoyed or angry.
***
I have to learn to let it go, to forgive it and accept it, and see it for what it is: her problem.
***
So in a different arena, I am thinking hard about the possibility of myself as a mother. Being surrounded by wonderful, adorable, bright, creative and affectionate children every day tugs hard at my maternal tendencies and encourages those hormones to amplify the sound of the "biological clock." Not that I feel like I'm getting older, but I feel zestful and young enough to remember my childhood and relate to my future children's experiences (at least somewhat). I feel healthier and more confident, but sometimes I wonder if I'm still under the power of all the emotional and physical and sexual abuse; I never, ever want to become an abuser. I will go to therapy forever to avoid it. I wish therapy were more available in Korea...or at least more accessible and affordable.
Wanting to have my own family is echoing pretty loudly in the back of my head, but being single and living in one of the worst countries for expatriate females to date a local means I'm still far, far away from that dream. It is kind of a dream. To add to that, I would like to heal some more, because I still think I'm a bit broken, and I would just end up breaking my kids.
***
There's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that Toby and I have an amazingly open and honest communication and long-distance pseudo-relationship. There is definitely no commitment involved, no expectations (usually), and we respect each other and marvel daily at how the other has grown and changed for the better. We support each other. We are best friends. We love each other very much.
The bad news is that I have thought of Toby this whole time as the man I'm meant to end up with. I like to entertain the idea of having his kids and his last name. I've wrapped my mind around him for over a decade, and I decided I didn't want to play the field any longer. On his side, however, he is just barely eking his way towards adulthood. He doesn't want kids, he isn't thinking about marriage, and he still wants to explore the field sexually. I can't fault him for that, obviously; it's his path and he's on it and that's just the fact of the matter. Besides that, I already had those experiences because my path took me there at a much earlier age. I'm finished with that. I'm not drawn by the mystery and taboo nature of a threesome, or kissing a girl, or serial one-night-stands. Now, those things are just old news.
So the decision I will have to make eventually is how to move on and attach my heart to another man. I've been dating, of course, and that's fine and it brings moderate satisfaction, briefly. Seoul is a dating desert, and the few men I've met who are interested in me are either really clingy or detached to a fault. I prefer the latter, obviously, because I can wash my hands of them much sooner. Because I've always, deep-down, remained loyal to Toby, at least in the long run, I wasn't really invested in having anything long-term with any boy here. Though it would be nice to have something work out and just be comfortable. My tentative residence here seems to have given me super powers of singledom. Having been with Toby for so long, I appreciate now having the liberty of doing whatever I want, all the time. Being single is hard to get used to, and sometimes I mistake it for being alone.
I am looking forward to the opportunity of dating around in a more mature category of men, preferably with no kids or ex-wives, who swoon over me and have realistic expectations and want to spend time with me. I'm not interested in watching another man grow up while I wait. Moving back to the States, even if it's only briefly, will probably be good for my confidence level.
***
Blah blah blah. I just talk about myself all the time. Blah blah blah.
When I do talk to her, she frequently cuts me off without letting me make a point or finish my statement, regardless of the topic. If it has to do with money, she simply can't be wrong. It's so difficult to discuss MY money matters and my approaches with her infallible, credit-is-evil stance, especially when for six years I've had a loan and credit cards and I'm not drowning in debt. What I'm doing is working for me, but I can't even tell her calmly about my mature money decisions, because her convictions are superior and she will cut me off mid-sentence to rant.
Not to mention, she'll openly slam my brother, or my dad, or my grandma. Three people I love and value, one of whom is dead, one of whom is in her last few years, and one with whom I should have a healthy relationship for the rest of my life. She doesn't hold back when she's feeling hateful, and she will criticize anyone and everyone. She especially does not treat me with respect when she is annoyed or angry.
***
I have to learn to let it go, to forgive it and accept it, and see it for what it is: her problem.
***
So in a different arena, I am thinking hard about the possibility of myself as a mother. Being surrounded by wonderful, adorable, bright, creative and affectionate children every day tugs hard at my maternal tendencies and encourages those hormones to amplify the sound of the "biological clock." Not that I feel like I'm getting older, but I feel zestful and young enough to remember my childhood and relate to my future children's experiences (at least somewhat). I feel healthier and more confident, but sometimes I wonder if I'm still under the power of all the emotional and physical and sexual abuse; I never, ever want to become an abuser. I will go to therapy forever to avoid it. I wish therapy were more available in Korea...or at least more accessible and affordable.
Wanting to have my own family is echoing pretty loudly in the back of my head, but being single and living in one of the worst countries for expatriate females to date a local means I'm still far, far away from that dream. It is kind of a dream. To add to that, I would like to heal some more, because I still think I'm a bit broken, and I would just end up breaking my kids.
***
There's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that Toby and I have an amazingly open and honest communication and long-distance pseudo-relationship. There is definitely no commitment involved, no expectations (usually), and we respect each other and marvel daily at how the other has grown and changed for the better. We support each other. We are best friends. We love each other very much.
The bad news is that I have thought of Toby this whole time as the man I'm meant to end up with. I like to entertain the idea of having his kids and his last name. I've wrapped my mind around him for over a decade, and I decided I didn't want to play the field any longer. On his side, however, he is just barely eking his way towards adulthood. He doesn't want kids, he isn't thinking about marriage, and he still wants to explore the field sexually. I can't fault him for that, obviously; it's his path and he's on it and that's just the fact of the matter. Besides that, I already had those experiences because my path took me there at a much earlier age. I'm finished with that. I'm not drawn by the mystery and taboo nature of a threesome, or kissing a girl, or serial one-night-stands. Now, those things are just old news.
So the decision I will have to make eventually is how to move on and attach my heart to another man. I've been dating, of course, and that's fine and it brings moderate satisfaction, briefly. Seoul is a dating desert, and the few men I've met who are interested in me are either really clingy or detached to a fault. I prefer the latter, obviously, because I can wash my hands of them much sooner. Because I've always, deep-down, remained loyal to Toby, at least in the long run, I wasn't really invested in having anything long-term with any boy here. Though it would be nice to have something work out and just be comfortable. My tentative residence here seems to have given me super powers of singledom. Having been with Toby for so long, I appreciate now having the liberty of doing whatever I want, all the time. Being single is hard to get used to, and sometimes I mistake it for being alone.
I am looking forward to the opportunity of dating around in a more mature category of men, preferably with no kids or ex-wives, who swoon over me and have realistic expectations and want to spend time with me. I'm not interested in watching another man grow up while I wait. Moving back to the States, even if it's only briefly, will probably be good for my confidence level.
***
Blah blah blah. I just talk about myself all the time. Blah blah blah.
3.11.2010
bonjour, mes amis
It's me, after another month. I think I'm finding some sense of regularity here, at least. March came roaring in and has yet to ease up on me, and likely many of my counterparts.
Let's see...February wrapped up with a bang, I suppose. I spent most of my free time preparing myself physically, mentally, and with the necessary equipment for my first tae kwon do tournament, plus a belly dance performance on the SAME DAY. So with all my effort and high tension, I thought I had gotten myself ready, until the Friday before the competition. I dragged out to a goodbye dinner for a friend, and ended up joining other people who went to a hiphop club and ended up getting carried away with the good times, and drinking four STRONG drinks. Such a wise decision...
Saturday morning, having barely any sleep, waking still drunk and bordering the impending hangover, I dragged myself through getting ready and didn't get out of my house on time. This upset my whole team, though I didn't hear about it right away. I called my mom to wish her a happy birthday, took a small walk on the mountain behind my house, and tried to eat oatmeal...unsuccessfully. I was two hours behind the team, and I guess it didn't seem like such a big deal to me because I didn't actually consider myself on a "team," I'm usually a solo player and that's how I think of myself. I didn't realize I was distracting my "teammates" from preparing themselves for their own matches. I spent the next seven hours nursing a hangover, beating myself up for sabotaging myself before a match, for letting everybody down, and for being the Asshole of the Day, really. I had no place to complain about how shitty I felt, which was truly horrible, because I couldn't eat or drink anything without having to run to the restroom to violently throw it up, and I was dizzy and had a pounding headache.
I pushed myself, though, and I tried really hard to just pull myself together, stay with it, and be cool. Later, I was accused of not being "sorry enough," and drama ensued where they all conferred about my many failings (at the tournament and elsewhere) and wouldn't let it go without dropping it all on my head.
Lo and behold, I won my match. There was only one fight, and my competition was a young lady from Korea who didn't bother to warm up, practice, or stretch, but she sure watched me do all those things. My headache and nausea was worrying me; I was afraid my setbacks would sacrifice my timing and strategy. My coach was good to me, most notably for not benching me outright, and gave me really great instruction during the match (which I took to heart and followed as closely as possible). Having only two players registered in the heavyweight adult females meant that either way I would have medaled, but as it were I'm pleased that I took home the gold despite the circumstances.
Afterward I went home, lay on my bed for 20 minutes, and then got up, showered, and did my hair and makeup, and finally ate a small amount of food. I took a train for an hour and made it to the venue where our dance troupe was performing in part of a big charity event. It was fun, and I enjoyed myself, and the girls were so enthusiastic and supportive of me for winning (sharply contrasting the disregard from my "teammates" at the tournament). I was too tired to really dance energetically and creatively, so when I had my solos I don't think I did anything profound or particularly inspiring, but I noted that I had no stage fright whatsoever. I suppose I was still in a victory glow. I got a ride part of the way home with two incredible people, and found myself really perked up by the time I got home.
I won't be drinking again any time soon, I think. It just feels like ugly memories and bad decisions and too many calories and day-after headaches.
And winter hasn't left yet. In fact, it snowed again on Monday night, which was both staggeringly beautiful and deeply disappointing. Earlier that day, I had just noticed that tiny yellow flower buds were forming on the tree branches near the front steps to my apartment building. The winter wonderland was just the opposite of what I wanted, no matter how magical it looked. Thankfully, it has melted almost entirely away and those little yellow buds are still on the tree branches. All we need now are some warmer temperatures and some leaves, and I think spring will feel a bit more welcome, and decide to finally stay.
Work is just hard. That's all. I want to be good at my job, but there are all kinds of unpleasant truths about the system and my superiors and even some of my coworkers that repel me and having new classes with new students is really hairy and unfulfilling.
I've felt really lousy, tense, and fatigued for two weeks. I went to the doctor on Monday after having a constant headache every day for six days, and he gave me about a hundred pills for five days, no names and no indications for any of them, just when to take them. The doctor visit and the medication only totalled to about 8 bucks, so I figure I'll honor the advice of the doctors and take the meds. I think they make me really drowsy and dehydrated.
Also, I've been really antisocial lately. It isn't deliberate, but spending time with my friends just doesn't seem appealing in the slightest. I'd rather save myself the trouble and go home and relax by myself. I've apparently missed loads of phone calls and texts, however, and every sensitive feeling my friends have has been hurt by my failure to cater to their little expectations. Maybe it is deliberate. I don't feel like being judged, especially by Katie, David and Dan. They seem to document every single mistake I make in their presence, to misinterpret and assume and critique, only to hold it against me forever. It's not encouraging. On the other hand, spending time with anyone else just feels like too much effort.
Nobody reaches out to me, so I can carry on my ideas that I'm flying solo, as usual. No one thinks about me or wants to do anything with me, which is FINE, because it's not a big deal and we all do what we want to. It's not personal, but to Katie it is. I'm tired of that mentality. Just let me do my own damn thing. I'm not on her case about staying in touch with me every day, and I don't watch her to screw up or get all worked out of shape when she trips some hypersensitive hair trigger boundaries. I just don't think of her like that. But, it's safe to say, I'm wounded, and I feel defensive and bitter and betrayed. I'd just rather be alone, thanks.
Then there's Toby. I love that man, but being 6000 miles way sucks. If I was any closer to him, would it be different than it was before? Probably not. Should I just move on and find someone who's better suited to me? Yeah, I should. Is it possible to do that? I'd like to say yes, but so far I just can't tear myself away.
I figure I'll just be my free-floating self for the rest of my days. We'll see if I can manage it.
Let's see...February wrapped up with a bang, I suppose. I spent most of my free time preparing myself physically, mentally, and with the necessary equipment for my first tae kwon do tournament, plus a belly dance performance on the SAME DAY. So with all my effort and high tension, I thought I had gotten myself ready, until the Friday before the competition. I dragged out to a goodbye dinner for a friend, and ended up joining other people who went to a hiphop club and ended up getting carried away with the good times, and drinking four STRONG drinks. Such a wise decision...
Saturday morning, having barely any sleep, waking still drunk and bordering the impending hangover, I dragged myself through getting ready and didn't get out of my house on time. This upset my whole team, though I didn't hear about it right away. I called my mom to wish her a happy birthday, took a small walk on the mountain behind my house, and tried to eat oatmeal...unsuccessfully. I was two hours behind the team, and I guess it didn't seem like such a big deal to me because I didn't actually consider myself on a "team," I'm usually a solo player and that's how I think of myself. I didn't realize I was distracting my "teammates" from preparing themselves for their own matches. I spent the next seven hours nursing a hangover, beating myself up for sabotaging myself before a match, for letting everybody down, and for being the Asshole of the Day, really. I had no place to complain about how shitty I felt, which was truly horrible, because I couldn't eat or drink anything without having to run to the restroom to violently throw it up, and I was dizzy and had a pounding headache.
I pushed myself, though, and I tried really hard to just pull myself together, stay with it, and be cool. Later, I was accused of not being "sorry enough," and drama ensued where they all conferred about my many failings (at the tournament and elsewhere) and wouldn't let it go without dropping it all on my head.
Lo and behold, I won my match. There was only one fight, and my competition was a young lady from Korea who didn't bother to warm up, practice, or stretch, but she sure watched me do all those things. My headache and nausea was worrying me; I was afraid my setbacks would sacrifice my timing and strategy. My coach was good to me, most notably for not benching me outright, and gave me really great instruction during the match (which I took to heart and followed as closely as possible). Having only two players registered in the heavyweight adult females meant that either way I would have medaled, but as it were I'm pleased that I took home the gold despite the circumstances.
Afterward I went home, lay on my bed for 20 minutes, and then got up, showered, and did my hair and makeup, and finally ate a small amount of food. I took a train for an hour and made it to the venue where our dance troupe was performing in part of a big charity event. It was fun, and I enjoyed myself, and the girls were so enthusiastic and supportive of me for winning (sharply contrasting the disregard from my "teammates" at the tournament). I was too tired to really dance energetically and creatively, so when I had my solos I don't think I did anything profound or particularly inspiring, but I noted that I had no stage fright whatsoever. I suppose I was still in a victory glow. I got a ride part of the way home with two incredible people, and found myself really perked up by the time I got home.
I won't be drinking again any time soon, I think. It just feels like ugly memories and bad decisions and too many calories and day-after headaches.
And winter hasn't left yet. In fact, it snowed again on Monday night, which was both staggeringly beautiful and deeply disappointing. Earlier that day, I had just noticed that tiny yellow flower buds were forming on the tree branches near the front steps to my apartment building. The winter wonderland was just the opposite of what I wanted, no matter how magical it looked. Thankfully, it has melted almost entirely away and those little yellow buds are still on the tree branches. All we need now are some warmer temperatures and some leaves, and I think spring will feel a bit more welcome, and decide to finally stay.
Work is just hard. That's all. I want to be good at my job, but there are all kinds of unpleasant truths about the system and my superiors and even some of my coworkers that repel me and having new classes with new students is really hairy and unfulfilling.
I've felt really lousy, tense, and fatigued for two weeks. I went to the doctor on Monday after having a constant headache every day for six days, and he gave me about a hundred pills for five days, no names and no indications for any of them, just when to take them. The doctor visit and the medication only totalled to about 8 bucks, so I figure I'll honor the advice of the doctors and take the meds. I think they make me really drowsy and dehydrated.
Also, I've been really antisocial lately. It isn't deliberate, but spending time with my friends just doesn't seem appealing in the slightest. I'd rather save myself the trouble and go home and relax by myself. I've apparently missed loads of phone calls and texts, however, and every sensitive feeling my friends have has been hurt by my failure to cater to their little expectations. Maybe it is deliberate. I don't feel like being judged, especially by Katie, David and Dan. They seem to document every single mistake I make in their presence, to misinterpret and assume and critique, only to hold it against me forever. It's not encouraging. On the other hand, spending time with anyone else just feels like too much effort.
Nobody reaches out to me, so I can carry on my ideas that I'm flying solo, as usual. No one thinks about me or wants to do anything with me, which is FINE, because it's not a big deal and we all do what we want to. It's not personal, but to Katie it is. I'm tired of that mentality. Just let me do my own damn thing. I'm not on her case about staying in touch with me every day, and I don't watch her to screw up or get all worked out of shape when she trips some hypersensitive hair trigger boundaries. I just don't think of her like that. But, it's safe to say, I'm wounded, and I feel defensive and bitter and betrayed. I'd just rather be alone, thanks.
Then there's Toby. I love that man, but being 6000 miles way sucks. If I was any closer to him, would it be different than it was before? Probably not. Should I just move on and find someone who's better suited to me? Yeah, I should. Is it possible to do that? I'd like to say yes, but so far I just can't tear myself away.
I figure I'll just be my free-floating self for the rest of my days. We'll see if I can manage it.
2.10.2010
Monthly update
I get into some severe highs and lows with my job, but thank goodness I've found my rhythm. It will be a shame to have to abandon that sense of comfort when I leave Korea, because I assure you it gets incredibly comfortable here. People leave, and then come back repeatedly, or hem and haw until they inevitably sign another year contract again and again, because they have either nothing else to do, or have found it extremely convenient to be paid to be here. The promise of employment, however devoid of promotion or advancement, is still guaranteed, when it obviously isn't in most places. This is a trap, I think. It's how people get lulled to sleep in their lives and rest on their laurels and forget that they had dreams and ambitions before they came to Korea. Or maybe they didn't, and that's why they've stayed here so long. No other ideas; may as well live in Korea, where I am afforded a small amount of vacation time and the freedom to travel and drink and relatively expendable income.
I'm just not in that boat. People are half-shocked that I have elected not to stay another full year. Everyone just assumes that we are here for good. On the other hand, my mother and grandma do me no favors by delivering grim news about the job market and the economy in Arizona and the U.S. That's just what I need to motivate me...though I haven't really felt as hopeless and directionless as I did in January.
I have lovely, wonderful friends and family who support me and have the utmost faith in me. It really means a lot. Also, I am just trying to focus on what I am trying to make of my presence. I have a taekwondo tournament in three weeks. My coach and my peers seem to think I am doing a great job and that I'm really ready for it. I don't disagree, but I have no idea how ready I should be or feel. I'll just have to see for myself. I don't even expect to win, but I sure would like to lay in a few good points to the head to show up the racist judges, referees and opposing coaches and players. Though I don't anticipate fairness by refs and judges, I do want to make my coach proud.
Then there's the belly dance performance, where I have found myself with a 6-minute fan solo project to work on. I'm sewing and beading a new costume, and choreographing and practicing my fan dance, and my free time literally doesn't exist!
I have to stay up late just to download new LOST episodes, though obviously I'm willing to do that!
The biggest blessing I can relay is that it is FINALLY starting to feel warmer. The weather has been rainy and grey, but the temperature hovers around freezing now, which is much more tolerable than say...13 degrees Fahrenheit. In late March, my friends will come visit me from Dalian, China, and we will explore Seoul as tourists (I haven't really felt like a tourist here in a long time!), and I will offer my humble abode for their brief stay. Maybe we will have leaves by then! (It's cold in China too, though, so I hope it's comfortable when they get here!!)
I'm proud of myself for what I have done and what I can do. I'm feeling lovely, sexy, strong, and beautiful. I feel like a successful teacher. My students are just amazing, loving, inspiring little people who bless me every day. I am so fortunate to get to have relationships with all those kids, to have their trust and their adoration and admiration, to be able to bury them in hugs and affection, or share a joke and a sincere, hearty laugh. It makes all the difference, every single day, that I have the chance to connect with them.
Spring is COMING!
I'm just not in that boat. People are half-shocked that I have elected not to stay another full year. Everyone just assumes that we are here for good. On the other hand, my mother and grandma do me no favors by delivering grim news about the job market and the economy in Arizona and the U.S. That's just what I need to motivate me...though I haven't really felt as hopeless and directionless as I did in January.
I have lovely, wonderful friends and family who support me and have the utmost faith in me. It really means a lot. Also, I am just trying to focus on what I am trying to make of my presence. I have a taekwondo tournament in three weeks. My coach and my peers seem to think I am doing a great job and that I'm really ready for it. I don't disagree, but I have no idea how ready I should be or feel. I'll just have to see for myself. I don't even expect to win, but I sure would like to lay in a few good points to the head to show up the racist judges, referees and opposing coaches and players. Though I don't anticipate fairness by refs and judges, I do want to make my coach proud.
Then there's the belly dance performance, where I have found myself with a 6-minute fan solo project to work on. I'm sewing and beading a new costume, and choreographing and practicing my fan dance, and my free time literally doesn't exist!
I have to stay up late just to download new LOST episodes, though obviously I'm willing to do that!
The biggest blessing I can relay is that it is FINALLY starting to feel warmer. The weather has been rainy and grey, but the temperature hovers around freezing now, which is much more tolerable than say...13 degrees Fahrenheit. In late March, my friends will come visit me from Dalian, China, and we will explore Seoul as tourists (I haven't really felt like a tourist here in a long time!), and I will offer my humble abode for their brief stay. Maybe we will have leaves by then! (It's cold in China too, though, so I hope it's comfortable when they get here!!)
I'm proud of myself for what I have done and what I can do. I'm feeling lovely, sexy, strong, and beautiful. I feel like a successful teacher. My students are just amazing, loving, inspiring little people who bless me every day. I am so fortunate to get to have relationships with all those kids, to have their trust and their adoration and admiration, to be able to bury them in hugs and affection, or share a joke and a sincere, hearty laugh. It makes all the difference, every single day, that I have the chance to connect with them.
Spring is COMING!
1.09.2010
A new year and a new attempt at blogging
Hey, I'm still in Korea. It's an attempt at security and an avoidance of making any drastic changes (like another international relocation) just yet that I chose back in November to stay until next July. In short, it's just easier to stay where I am. Of course, at the time I was feeling incredibly satisfied and fulfilled with my job, my social life, my romantic life, my recreational life, and the state of things in Seoul.
Happiness is a funny thing, too, because once it comes around, it deceives you into believing things are going to look up from now on...until they don't, and you spend some time scrambling or frantic because circumstances are out of your hands. Besides that, I just really enjoy being happy. Who doesn't? Unfortunately, my shortcomings and insecurities include a bit of jealousy, indignance, impatience, and melodrama. Having no control over the momentum of life often leads to flare-ups in some of my less-marketable qualities, and happiness factors tend to drop in those cases.
By December, I had found myself in a sticky social situation, discovered I didn't have the money for any trip during my winter vacation, and felt as though I had nothing to really look forward to. Christmas and the New Year promised nothing more than solitude and sub-freezing temperatures, and life felt grim and lonely once again. Change is inevitable, in beautiful, painful, unpredictable ways, but it comes and that's just fact.
*****************************************
I decided that if I was going to drop a bunch of money during my week of paid vacation, I was going to put it towards something I could remember clearly. Like a big tattoo. I have been thinking about getting one to essentially commemorate my life in Korea, the phenomenon of change and how it is a beautiful thing, and something that I have especially loved about Seoul. Eventually I settled on ginkgo leaves, which come in many shapes and sizes even on the same tree. They are a brilliant green during the spring and summer, and they gradually gild over in September and October until trees everwhere are a luminous yellow. They have dictated so much of my subconscious feelings about my life here; experiencing seasons in a temperate climate, the reverence for their medicinal and nutritional properties, and seeing the scattered, fallen leaves dry and brown but retaining their classic shape, all during the winter. I see them peeking out of the snowdrifts, occasionally. I think they are lovely, plain and simple. I feel a special connection to ginkgo, and ginkgo is a familiar thing in Korean life.
Five hundred dollars later, I am now tending to the healing of my brand-new, intricate and extremely professional-looking tattoo.
*****************************************
After my contract is up in July, I plan to fly to Bangkok, Thailand, for the first leg of a two-week trip around the country, before I fly out of Bangkok to Phoenix. By now, obviously, changes this big shouldn't scare me. My world has turned upside-down so many times I can't quite count, and I'm no worse for the wear. In fact, I'd like to say they have been huge growth experiences and that I'm better for having had the challenges of starting over again and again. Little rebirths. This all relies on my faith that God is directing my life and has stretched a massive safety net in case I stumble. So far, so good. Why not view the impending international relocation as yet another renaissance? I certainly won't be the same person when I get back to the States, so I shouldn't imagine that I will find myself back in the same conundrums. For as unappealing as Phoenix seems to me, it still serves as a home base, and always has, and I've never had too much trouble springboarding out of there when the right opportunity arose.
I have been frightened, but I suddenly understand that there's no need for it.
****************************************
Additionally, I feel pressure to lose weight and be in good condition to train in taekwondo and receive my black belt before July. This is absolutely within reach, but I no longer feel the liberty to answer only to myself, because now my trainer is keeping tabs on my weight loss. This motivates me but only when I have made progress; otherwise I feel shame for not having the energy or the determination to maintain a healthy diet. I stay quite active, far more than I was for most of my life, but occasionally I injure myself or get sick, and my training intensity suffers. I seem to have lost the foothold on being tidy and having a regular, healthy sleep routine, so I am most often dragging far behind where I should be. Lethargy is my constant foe.
****************************************
Belly dancing has been very fun and fulfilling for the past several weeks. Our instructor has been away, traveling around the world, training and performing and advancing her skill. Meanwhile, three girls from our dance troupe are leading different sections of the class. It has been a really wonderful, healthy thing for us to have this time together, doing technique drills and bonding on a totally different level than before. It's very a comfortable and supportive atmosphere. They are such wonderful teachers and their experience, approach and interpretation of the dance has been very eye-opening and empowering. I really needed to learn more technique and work on it, so I feel as though I've caught up somewhat to the other girls who have been doing this for at least a year longer than I have. Very valuable. I'd like to be slimmer for this as well, since I am hung up on insecurities with my belly and stretch marks. All in good time, I suppose.
****************************************
Though I've dated a tiny bit while being in Korea, there's certainly no one who has ever measured up to the bar Toby set for me. Since I've been here, too, our friendship has deepened, and we communicate on a different level (FINALLY). We are best friends, and I can always count on him to understand what I am going through and to be encouraging and supportive of me. Our interests are fairly different, but highly compatible, and in terms of humor and music and academic pursuits, he just plain "gets" me. To be fair, I haven't been totally open to the idea of replacing him as the Significant Man in my life, and the few guys I've actually found myself really drawn to seemed to have no interest in me, so the choice has always been easy. Toby wins. And, as usual, I fixate on him, just like I've done for a decade, but the refreshing thing is that he welcomes my attention and I don't feel like a crazy stalker. He's even risen to the occasion of meeting me halfway, in a sense, to stay in touch and make meaningful, loving gestures of affection and friendship.
He is supportive of me being all the way out here, working on myself, making progress he swears he can see daily (even though I am somewhat blind to it), and refuses to impose his own life momentum on my goals...though I don't want anybody but him. So we're in a state of Limbo, I suppose, and may remain that way until something stirs inside of him to pick up and run to a new life, or something stirs inside of me to move along. So far, nothing.
That means, of course, that my little domestic romance did not last long. A nice, attractive guy, yes, but a major lack of compatibility was glaringly obvious the longer we dated. It isn't his fault, but he doesn't do or say the things I want him to, he isn't what I want in a relationship. We're still friends, but in a manner where I am wholly uninterested in him (a few ugly revelations of his immaturity really turned me off romantically), and he still makes attempts to flirt with me. It's not enough to enjoy his good looks, because I find myself frustrated with him more often, and that's probably all it will ever amount to.
****************************************
I should, and likely will, start posting blogs again with cheerful descriptions of my most recent adventure or infatuation, with photos to complement. These cold winter months (MUCH colder than weather in which I've ever had to function daily) have slowed me down and made me acutely apathetic. That's the word of the month: Apathy. A-P-A-T-H-Y. It's such a big thing to have to crawl out from under, just like repressing bad memories and pain, because it builds up to such an immense degree and becomes exponentially more difficult to recover from every day that it continues.
Lately, though, I can shave little tasks off the huge pile of things I should do. So it's not going to weigh down on me forever. I just need to practice maintaining it all the time.
*****************************************
Happiness is a funny thing, too, because once it comes around, it deceives you into believing things are going to look up from now on...until they don't, and you spend some time scrambling or frantic because circumstances are out of your hands. Besides that, I just really enjoy being happy. Who doesn't? Unfortunately, my shortcomings and insecurities include a bit of jealousy, indignance, impatience, and melodrama. Having no control over the momentum of life often leads to flare-ups in some of my less-marketable qualities, and happiness factors tend to drop in those cases.
By December, I had found myself in a sticky social situation, discovered I didn't have the money for any trip during my winter vacation, and felt as though I had nothing to really look forward to. Christmas and the New Year promised nothing more than solitude and sub-freezing temperatures, and life felt grim and lonely once again. Change is inevitable, in beautiful, painful, unpredictable ways, but it comes and that's just fact.
*****************************************
I decided that if I was going to drop a bunch of money during my week of paid vacation, I was going to put it towards something I could remember clearly. Like a big tattoo. I have been thinking about getting one to essentially commemorate my life in Korea, the phenomenon of change and how it is a beautiful thing, and something that I have especially loved about Seoul. Eventually I settled on ginkgo leaves, which come in many shapes and sizes even on the same tree. They are a brilliant green during the spring and summer, and they gradually gild over in September and October until trees everwhere are a luminous yellow. They have dictated so much of my subconscious feelings about my life here; experiencing seasons in a temperate climate, the reverence for their medicinal and nutritional properties, and seeing the scattered, fallen leaves dry and brown but retaining their classic shape, all during the winter. I see them peeking out of the snowdrifts, occasionally. I think they are lovely, plain and simple. I feel a special connection to ginkgo, and ginkgo is a familiar thing in Korean life.
Five hundred dollars later, I am now tending to the healing of my brand-new, intricate and extremely professional-looking tattoo.
*****************************************
After my contract is up in July, I plan to fly to Bangkok, Thailand, for the first leg of a two-week trip around the country, before I fly out of Bangkok to Phoenix. By now, obviously, changes this big shouldn't scare me. My world has turned upside-down so many times I can't quite count, and I'm no worse for the wear. In fact, I'd like to say they have been huge growth experiences and that I'm better for having had the challenges of starting over again and again. Little rebirths. This all relies on my faith that God is directing my life and has stretched a massive safety net in case I stumble. So far, so good. Why not view the impending international relocation as yet another renaissance? I certainly won't be the same person when I get back to the States, so I shouldn't imagine that I will find myself back in the same conundrums. For as unappealing as Phoenix seems to me, it still serves as a home base, and always has, and I've never had too much trouble springboarding out of there when the right opportunity arose.
I have been frightened, but I suddenly understand that there's no need for it.
****************************************
Additionally, I feel pressure to lose weight and be in good condition to train in taekwondo and receive my black belt before July. This is absolutely within reach, but I no longer feel the liberty to answer only to myself, because now my trainer is keeping tabs on my weight loss. This motivates me but only when I have made progress; otherwise I feel shame for not having the energy or the determination to maintain a healthy diet. I stay quite active, far more than I was for most of my life, but occasionally I injure myself or get sick, and my training intensity suffers. I seem to have lost the foothold on being tidy and having a regular, healthy sleep routine, so I am most often dragging far behind where I should be. Lethargy is my constant foe.
****************************************
Belly dancing has been very fun and fulfilling for the past several weeks. Our instructor has been away, traveling around the world, training and performing and advancing her skill. Meanwhile, three girls from our dance troupe are leading different sections of the class. It has been a really wonderful, healthy thing for us to have this time together, doing technique drills and bonding on a totally different level than before. It's very a comfortable and supportive atmosphere. They are such wonderful teachers and their experience, approach and interpretation of the dance has been very eye-opening and empowering. I really needed to learn more technique and work on it, so I feel as though I've caught up somewhat to the other girls who have been doing this for at least a year longer than I have. Very valuable. I'd like to be slimmer for this as well, since I am hung up on insecurities with my belly and stretch marks. All in good time, I suppose.
****************************************
Though I've dated a tiny bit while being in Korea, there's certainly no one who has ever measured up to the bar Toby set for me. Since I've been here, too, our friendship has deepened, and we communicate on a different level (FINALLY). We are best friends, and I can always count on him to understand what I am going through and to be encouraging and supportive of me. Our interests are fairly different, but highly compatible, and in terms of humor and music and academic pursuits, he just plain "gets" me. To be fair, I haven't been totally open to the idea of replacing him as the Significant Man in my life, and the few guys I've actually found myself really drawn to seemed to have no interest in me, so the choice has always been easy. Toby wins. And, as usual, I fixate on him, just like I've done for a decade, but the refreshing thing is that he welcomes my attention and I don't feel like a crazy stalker. He's even risen to the occasion of meeting me halfway, in a sense, to stay in touch and make meaningful, loving gestures of affection and friendship.
He is supportive of me being all the way out here, working on myself, making progress he swears he can see daily (even though I am somewhat blind to it), and refuses to impose his own life momentum on my goals...though I don't want anybody but him. So we're in a state of Limbo, I suppose, and may remain that way until something stirs inside of him to pick up and run to a new life, or something stirs inside of me to move along. So far, nothing.
That means, of course, that my little domestic romance did not last long. A nice, attractive guy, yes, but a major lack of compatibility was glaringly obvious the longer we dated. It isn't his fault, but he doesn't do or say the things I want him to, he isn't what I want in a relationship. We're still friends, but in a manner where I am wholly uninterested in him (a few ugly revelations of his immaturity really turned me off romantically), and he still makes attempts to flirt with me. It's not enough to enjoy his good looks, because I find myself frustrated with him more often, and that's probably all it will ever amount to.
****************************************
I should, and likely will, start posting blogs again with cheerful descriptions of my most recent adventure or infatuation, with photos to complement. These cold winter months (MUCH colder than weather in which I've ever had to function daily) have slowed me down and made me acutely apathetic. That's the word of the month: Apathy. A-P-A-T-H-Y. It's such a big thing to have to crawl out from under, just like repressing bad memories and pain, because it builds up to such an immense degree and becomes exponentially more difficult to recover from every day that it continues.
Lately, though, I can shave little tasks off the huge pile of things I should do. So it's not going to weigh down on me forever. I just need to practice maintaining it all the time.
*****************************************
12.29.2009
another year!
I recall once when I felt prolific and wanted to spend hours pouring my thoughts into my little Space blog, and at some point it fell away from me and I stopped knowing what to say or wanting to say it.
Things happen every day that are noteworthy, and I could wrap my mind around phrasing and interesting vocabulary, but somehow it becomes overwhelming trying to chronologue it all the time. I was so good at it before!
Then I think I should try to catch up on all the things that have happened, to give myself a sense of how far I have come since my previous entry (in October?!).
So, let's see...October...
I was crushing hard on a boy who lived outside of Seoul, and was working hard in dance and taekwondo. I had my first dance performance, and then my second, back to back. I prepared so diligently for those performances, I was beside myself with worry that I would forget part of the choreography or not know the intricacies of the music. On the performance days, though, I was unbelievably serene! It's a rush to be performing again, especially as a dancer (which is something I've NEVER felt that confident doing) and having nothing to do with singing or acting (mostly). I was even drumming, and that's new too! Halloween came and went; it wasn't very important or exciting. I helped a friend get her costume ready for weeks ahead of time, and threw mine together in 45 minutes.
November...
Fall in Seoul is beautiful. The leaves faithfully changed colors and took on a much more romantic, whistful ambiance, and I enjoyed many a stroll down roads on blustery days. I extended my contract until the beginning of next July. Thanksgiving was an interesting event this year, sharply contrasted to last year, which meant nothing because I knew nobody and it was my birthday and none of it mattered. This year, I joined a family Thanksgiving meal and we engorged ourselves on all the delicious traditional dishes of home. For my birthday, I joined another expat Thanksgiving celebration, and enjoyed loads of champagne and red wine and long, aimless walks to other parts of the city. That weekend I went on my first Buddhist temple stay in Ganghwa-do (an island off the northwest coast of South Korea), and tried to silence some of the many conversations I was having in my head. That was a valuable skill to practice; mediation is one of the most challenging things I can think of doing. My "romance" was also waning and I knew that would happen, but it felt natural and not disappointing.
December...
This month started with me feeling desperately sad and lonely, wondering how to recover from being villified and seemingly abandoned by very close friends. Eventually, it worked out, but it sucked. I saw the boy for the last time. I sent off my Christmas presents, I bought myself a few things. I decided on some directions for the next phase of my life (e.g. After Korea...), and settled that graduate school feels like the necessary next move. That's where I need to be devoting my time, that's what I want for myself. I had the bright idea that I'd vacate to Thailand for two weeks after I finish my contract here, since I had been toying with the idea of going to Santorino or some other Greek island...but have you looked at flights to Greece?? Way out of my budget. Thailand is so much closer and affordable, and easier to fly out of. So I bought one of my three flights, planned out several activities, and am fantasizing about the beach and the palaces and temples and how cool it's going to be to finally have a vacation like that!!
Also, I found a posting for a graduate school program that really sounds perfect, and so I sprang on it and sent my application. Even if it doesn't pan out for me, I needed to break the ice with that whole idea, since I've been completely intimidated about the application process and not seeing anything that really worked with my aspirations. Besides that, writing the cover letter and updating my CV were really empowering. I impress myself!! I sincerely do feel good about my experience and how hard I've worked and how far I've come.
Christmas was good, too, despite being pretty sick all month and still under the weather on my holiday. I slept in (late) and joined some church friends for a big Christmas lunch nearby. My evening plans fell through and I ended up staying home and baking persimmon walnut muffins (DELICIOUS!!), but Skype and Facebook kept me in touch with my loved ones back home and that meant a lot. I didn't feel far away. My presents reached them the day after Christmas, and that was great news!
I went skiing for the first time ever this past weekend (on the 26th) with a friend, and it was awesome! She graciously took time to teach me how to ski, and even though I fell a few times (and sprained my knee at one point), she said I took to it very naturally. Can you believe it? So I've been doing physical therapy this week to fix my knee up because it was pretty badly injured, but I don't think it could've happened at a better time. I was already sick and still recovering from bronchitis, so my aerobic activity has been lower lately, and my vacation starts on Friday so I won't have to stand around all day teaching. I can take it easy!!
Whoa, that means next year starts on Friday. What a year, 2009. I can't imagine what's in store for 2010!
11.04.2009
where was I?
O, there are a whole slew of developments since I last entered anything here.
Should I really divulge into detail? No. I live in Korea, and will continue to do so until July, 2010. I re-signed my contract.
I am a purple belt in taekwondo (which is the fifth belt in a 9-belt system), and have found my speed and form and strength are all well-improved. I still need to work on my stamina, because I just can't spar full-on for much longer than 10 minutes or so. My instructor does want to enter me into some tournaments, but I want to really prepare for that and it would mean a more sincere dedication of time and effort.
Part of my time and effort (and a LOT of my money) is going to belly dance. I'm now part of a dance troupe, which means the instructor has very high expectations of us and I am really going out of my way to participate as much as possible, because it affects every member of the troupe if I don't carry my weight. We are going on our first out-of-town performance this week
I'm dating a very nice, very attractive guy, but unfortunately our relationship has formed around an obvious barrier to close interaction: 150 miles. Getting to know someone by phone and Internet only works to a certain extent, and our time together has so far been very limited (but also wonderful). I have misplaced my frustrations about the situation (that I walked into knowing full well it wouldn't change) by growing bored on the phone and restless sitting in front of Skype.
I'm a bit bored and restless about everything at the present moment. I wake up early and refuse to get out of bed for hours. I find myself under pressure to make lots of people happy around me. Dance, taekwondo, friends, boyfriend, school bosses, students, parents of students, and somewhere in there, myself. As opposed to being fulfilling as usual, everything just feels demanding.
After being so active all the time, I certainly lost weight. As of late, however, I'm eating out of tension, and my weight loss has plateaued. I know eventually I'll get back into the swing, but I'd like it to hurry up!
Should I really divulge into detail? No. I live in Korea, and will continue to do so until July, 2010. I re-signed my contract.
I am a purple belt in taekwondo (which is the fifth belt in a 9-belt system), and have found my speed and form and strength are all well-improved. I still need to work on my stamina, because I just can't spar full-on for much longer than 10 minutes or so. My instructor does want to enter me into some tournaments, but I want to really prepare for that and it would mean a more sincere dedication of time and effort.
Part of my time and effort (and a LOT of my money) is going to belly dance. I'm now part of a dance troupe, which means the instructor has very high expectations of us and I am really going out of my way to participate as much as possible, because it affects every member of the troupe if I don't carry my weight. We are going on our first out-of-town performance this week
I'm dating a very nice, very attractive guy, but unfortunately our relationship has formed around an obvious barrier to close interaction: 150 miles. Getting to know someone by phone and Internet only works to a certain extent, and our time together has so far been very limited (but also wonderful). I have misplaced my frustrations about the situation (that I walked into knowing full well it wouldn't change) by growing bored on the phone and restless sitting in front of Skype.
I'm a bit bored and restless about everything at the present moment. I wake up early and refuse to get out of bed for hours. I find myself under pressure to make lots of people happy around me. Dance, taekwondo, friends, boyfriend, school bosses, students, parents of students, and somewhere in there, myself. As opposed to being fulfilling as usual, everything just feels demanding.
After being so active all the time, I certainly lost weight. As of late, however, I'm eating out of tension, and my weight loss has plateaued. I know eventually I'll get back into the swing, but I'd like it to hurry up!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)