still don't know what love means

On Monday, a week ago, I found a real job in Korea. It begins November 13, presuming the work Visa is sorted out in a timely manner and I can get my interview with the Korean consulate in Los Angeles finished over the phone. If I do have to drive to California, it will disrupt my delicate monetary balance, and I will bring my brother along for surety on the road.

I will be teaching in Seoul, at a school called YumKwang Christian School (which is lucky, because they have services in English and I won't spend ages hunting down a church). It's very exciting, but I'm also incredibly tense, having gone through all my clothes while trying to mentally inventory everything I might need for a year that I can get away with packing. I think I will really need my Sharper Image clothes steamer....it's rather small and not very heavy. How will I bring my bulky old laptop?? My stomach is in knots, unfortunately. I suppose it's not too early to sit down and do a mock-packing to get a real sense of weight, dimension, and what all I should bring.

Knowing this is the last couple of weeks I'll have to spend with Yoshi is heartbreaking. I am more in love with him than ever, and his sweet spirit has obviously charmed everyone else around him (except for maybe the larger dogs at the dog park; his attitude there is disappointing). I knitted him a sweater, and although it is pretty baggy, he looks so handsome in it and it clearly keeps him warmer. He doesn't tremble nearly as often in the fleeting cool hours of the evening and early morning. I'll bring him down to Tucson to spend the next year with Toby and Tyler. If I could bring him to Korea, he would already have been packed! I hope these few months in Phoenix have been good for him; he's gotten loads of quality attention from our family, and my complete lack of social life has left me a great deal of time to spend with him and take him places with me. I've spent a month away, I've spent four and a half months away with sporadic visits, but I've never spent a year away from this little dog. He is my ray of sunshine! I hope it doesn't get too dark in Seoul.

Well, in the hopes of pursuing graduate schools, I mentioned to the school manager (who interviewed me) that my Five Year Plan included me in grad school, and she seemed amicable to that idea. It really was a great interview (did I mention she sent my recruiter a job offer immediately after speaking with me for 40 minutes?) so I'm satisfied this is a good fit. I'm fully intending to complete my general GRE and build rapport with potential advisers for conservation biology. I'm simply gridlocked with things at the top of my To Do list, however. It's stressful.

On the bright side, I'm getting things done, bit by bit, and if I want to keep that up, I'd better stop doing this.

a large world after all

I apologize for not keeping up with my journal here. It has been far beyond a month since my last post, and admittedly I have thought about recording some thoughts in this box, but my limited access to Internet is the usual excuse why not.

So, I wouldn't say life has been terribly bumpy as of late, just busy. It seems like my entire day is eaten up with things to do or time spent recuperating, and when the weekends finally roll around, I just eat it up and then in what feels like a moment it has passed and suddenly I'm waking up early Monday morning, yet again.

It's all just very whoosh! and that's not always bad but it certainly wipes you out.

Toby came up this weekend, and that was wonderful. It wasn't just for me, which was actually pretty nice, that way we had very special time together when we could get it.

Yoshi wants Toby back, though. Ever since the he and his brother came by today to say goodbye before departing back to Tucson, Yoshi has been watching out the window and frequently asking me to go outside so he can check for their car. I think it just reminded him that Toby and Tyler are somewhere other than where he is, and he hasn't seen them in over a month besides. Plus, it got very cold very suddenly and he is trembling like a leaf, while I can't locate any of his sweaters (which look so cute on him!). So he sits in the window, watching and shaking. It truly is heartbreaking.

On the topic of the weather, however, it's finally sweater-wearing time! My cooler-weather wardrobe was just dying to come out of hiding, and the idea of wearing scarves again tickles me greatly!

On Korea, I am still in the stages of very little momentum. Working this much has made my estimated departure date creep up stealthily, while I have gotten nearly nothing done in the way of preparation. I've sent off my documents, am waiting for an interview or two with some schools out there that would suit my start date, and then the work Visa is next. Then I pack everything I can think of in two 50-lb. checked bags and one carry-on, and make my merry way to the other side of the planet, knowing next to nothing about what my life will have in store next.

Hrm. This is the only sentiment I seem able to muster about the state of events to follow.

But at present, I feel anxious and I'm sure there are several things I ought to do, if I could just bend my attention their way. So that's what I'll do.

what are words for?

I say I've had some significant personal growth this week, most especially yesterday. It's actually really refreshing to have overcome a major blockage, just a few pieces at a time. This was a good thing.

Then, today was just a really nice day, and I feel pretty good right now. Strange, because I can't think what went differently besides my attitude. Now that I reflect upon my week down here, it occurs to me that this whole week has gone pretty smoothly. Surely, I felt sick but it never got so severe, and my heart has always felt secure and content.

I miss Tucson so much. It's simply so wonderful here. If I were to go anywhere else in the country, or on the planet, I'm sure I will still fond feelings of home for Tucson. The desert here is so much more authentic; there are huge neighborhoods with wild mesquite, palo verde, cactus, ocotillo and creosote, with rabbits and lizards and coyotes skirting quickly across the road as you turn a corner, and nobody tries to fake some palm-studded "oasis" or pine forest or sycamore grove. I should rephrase that: some neighborhoods have purist landscaping. Other people have a convoluted sense of presence that must include grass and evergreen trees and any number of exotics that don't belong and often suffer in this climate.

Aside from the environment of Tucson, I also find myself quite cheerful and content. I don't want to say I'm off-track and not focused on moving forward, but at the present moment I'm comfortable and relaxed. As in, the timer I usually have ticking loudly in my head presently isn't nudging me forward exhausted and guilty. I'm able to enjoy my time watching television or reading, or sitting and writing in my journal and listening to music I've never heard that has been waiting for me. I can go to work and not feel pulled and strained and anxious the whole time I am there.

What happened? Did I just breathe in the right air finally? If I weren't so tired, I would attempt to stay awake and ponder this wonderful sense of peace and security, because I know too well from experience that life can always be different in the morning. I'm pleased to be in this moment.

I have some things to do before bed. This is all for now.

chocolate chip

I find myself in a lucky position this week. I work during the day, so the afternoons and evenings I have available to spend with friends and to watch TELEVISION shows like Project Runway I would ordinarily have no opportunity to catch up on. Thank goodness for Bravo, too, because they replay everything and do marathons of every show from the beginning of the season to the most recent. I LOVE IT.

Normally I wouldn't condone my sitting around watching tv shows all day, but I've really lamented missing the whole season of PR and having no access to cable, so this is good. I'm nearly caught up, and I feel so satisfied.

I also enjoy reading, spending time with my puppy, and soaking up the glorious Tucson weather. I no longer feel cold-like symptoms, although I'm afraid I let my lethargy become a bad habit again because of feeling so under the weather.

Anyway, it's time for me to go to bed, since tomorrow is my final day of training...getting paid for sitting in classes. I LOVE THAT TOO!

blogging myself to sleep

This cold didn't take me down as much as I feared, so here I am most certainly on my way to recovery, having only felt really ill in passing and moderately unmotivated and under the weather besides. I've polished off two 2-quart cartons of juice (orange and pineapple) in the last couple days, with one more to go (delicious fruit juice medley).

I've managed to scrape away a good portion of cat fur from the furniture so that I'm not coated in it all the time, only because it's affecting my allergies so. But if you met this cat, you'd understand why his hair would cover you head to toe, he is so cool. Right now he is holding my arm in place with one paw and licking my arm hairs backwards, while also leaning solidly against my leg and looking extremely content.

Today I took Yoshi to the vet because he was licking his little dew claw as if it hurt, and I noticed a bit of blood on it and that it was at a funny angle. Two hours of waiting at the vet clinic and 67 dollars later, his nails were trimmed and the dew claw's nail was cut off and the spot where it was split was cauterized and we were free to go. OUCH to my bank account, man. So Yoshi's fine, and he's spending the night over at Toby and Tyler's place, to recuperate, I figure.

This gives me some quality time with Max, who is taking full advantage of having me all to himself. He must really feel standoffish with Yoshi around. Aw.

I suppose it's really quite late and I have more training tomorrow, even though it's just easy as pie and relatively nearby, so that getting there won't be a huge hassle in the midst of morning commuters.

'Night, y'all.

cat and a clothesline

O, allergies. Most certainly worse than that, though, as these are cold symptoms on a moderately unpleasant level. I spent the evening helping my friends move in to their new place, which is awesome, and worked exclusively on fitting a very large amount of things into not enough cabinet space. I'm probably only halfway finished, but it was a bit exhausting, especially with the constant tickle in my nose or painful, unstoppable sneezing.

I did use a netty pot, which helped clear my sinuses briefly, but not permanently, and I took several Airborne allergy tabs and some sinus meds. No avail, I'm still runny.

It's funny, I worked with germy little kids all week and felt my sore throat coming on. Now that I've got a weekend to have fun in my favorite Arizona city, I'm stupid sick!

Problem with having a cat and no dryer means cat hair lingers on nearly every surface, and I with my allergies am having a little trouble with that, too. Luckily, my lint remover can pull off some of the cat hair on the couches, and the floor is tiled so I can sweep this week and get a little more relief.

It's so difficult to think beyond these symptoms, too. I can barely focus on what I'm going to do for work all week. I ought to go to bed, and try to feel better. Ouch.

smoothing out

I'm staying in Tucson at my friend Jenny's house for just over a week while she is in Europe. This helps both of us immensely; I get to be in Tucson and work down here (even though I do have a job in Phoenix, finally) and just be here in this city that i LOVE, and she has the peace of mind that her house and pets are being cared for. And, she has cable TV and wireless Internet, so I lucked out big time. :)

Today I'm helping my friends move into their new place, and luckily they're pretty much finished with the majority of the process. I can't wait to see their new place! They've lived in the same apartment the whole time I've known them, which is pushing on five years, so this new place is going to be a huge change. Plus, it's nice to have a fresh start in a fresh place as newlyweds, in my opinion.

I like it here, I'm very satisfied, but my allergies have been so bad this week that now my sinuses feel strained and raw, so I fear I'm going to catch a cold! Sigh.

But I'm here all week so I'm going to stop here and write more when I'm thinking more clearly.