what are words for?

I say I've had some significant personal growth this week, most especially yesterday. It's actually really refreshing to have overcome a major blockage, just a few pieces at a time. This was a good thing.

Then, today was just a really nice day, and I feel pretty good right now. Strange, because I can't think what went differently besides my attitude. Now that I reflect upon my week down here, it occurs to me that this whole week has gone pretty smoothly. Surely, I felt sick but it never got so severe, and my heart has always felt secure and content.

I miss Tucson so much. It's simply so wonderful here. If I were to go anywhere else in the country, or on the planet, I'm sure I will still fond feelings of home for Tucson. The desert here is so much more authentic; there are huge neighborhoods with wild mesquite, palo verde, cactus, ocotillo and creosote, with rabbits and lizards and coyotes skirting quickly across the road as you turn a corner, and nobody tries to fake some palm-studded "oasis" or pine forest or sycamore grove. I should rephrase that: some neighborhoods have purist landscaping. Other people have a convoluted sense of presence that must include grass and evergreen trees and any number of exotics that don't belong and often suffer in this climate.

Aside from the environment of Tucson, I also find myself quite cheerful and content. I don't want to say I'm off-track and not focused on moving forward, but at the present moment I'm comfortable and relaxed. As in, the timer I usually have ticking loudly in my head presently isn't nudging me forward exhausted and guilty. I'm able to enjoy my time watching television or reading, or sitting and writing in my journal and listening to music I've never heard that has been waiting for me. I can go to work and not feel pulled and strained and anxious the whole time I am there.

What happened? Did I just breathe in the right air finally? If I weren't so tired, I would attempt to stay awake and ponder this wonderful sense of peace and security, because I know too well from experience that life can always be different in the morning. I'm pleased to be in this moment.

I have some things to do before bed. This is all for now.

chocolate chip

I find myself in a lucky position this week. I work during the day, so the afternoons and evenings I have available to spend with friends and to watch TELEVISION shows like Project Runway I would ordinarily have no opportunity to catch up on. Thank goodness for Bravo, too, because they replay everything and do marathons of every show from the beginning of the season to the most recent. I LOVE IT.

Normally I wouldn't condone my sitting around watching tv shows all day, but I've really lamented missing the whole season of PR and having no access to cable, so this is good. I'm nearly caught up, and I feel so satisfied.

I also enjoy reading, spending time with my puppy, and soaking up the glorious Tucson weather. I no longer feel cold-like symptoms, although I'm afraid I let my lethargy become a bad habit again because of feeling so under the weather.

Anyway, it's time for me to go to bed, since tomorrow is my final day of training...getting paid for sitting in classes. I LOVE THAT TOO!

blogging myself to sleep

This cold didn't take me down as much as I feared, so here I am most certainly on my way to recovery, having only felt really ill in passing and moderately unmotivated and under the weather besides. I've polished off two 2-quart cartons of juice (orange and pineapple) in the last couple days, with one more to go (delicious fruit juice medley).

I've managed to scrape away a good portion of cat fur from the furniture so that I'm not coated in it all the time, only because it's affecting my allergies so. But if you met this cat, you'd understand why his hair would cover you head to toe, he is so cool. Right now he is holding my arm in place with one paw and licking my arm hairs backwards, while also leaning solidly against my leg and looking extremely content.

Today I took Yoshi to the vet because he was licking his little dew claw as if it hurt, and I noticed a bit of blood on it and that it was at a funny angle. Two hours of waiting at the vet clinic and 67 dollars later, his nails were trimmed and the dew claw's nail was cut off and the spot where it was split was cauterized and we were free to go. OUCH to my bank account, man. So Yoshi's fine, and he's spending the night over at Toby and Tyler's place, to recuperate, I figure.

This gives me some quality time with Max, who is taking full advantage of having me all to himself. He must really feel standoffish with Yoshi around. Aw.

I suppose it's really quite late and I have more training tomorrow, even though it's just easy as pie and relatively nearby, so that getting there won't be a huge hassle in the midst of morning commuters.

'Night, y'all.

cat and a clothesline

O, allergies. Most certainly worse than that, though, as these are cold symptoms on a moderately unpleasant level. I spent the evening helping my friends move in to their new place, which is awesome, and worked exclusively on fitting a very large amount of things into not enough cabinet space. I'm probably only halfway finished, but it was a bit exhausting, especially with the constant tickle in my nose or painful, unstoppable sneezing.

I did use a netty pot, which helped clear my sinuses briefly, but not permanently, and I took several Airborne allergy tabs and some sinus meds. No avail, I'm still runny.

It's funny, I worked with germy little kids all week and felt my sore throat coming on. Now that I've got a weekend to have fun in my favorite Arizona city, I'm stupid sick!

Problem with having a cat and no dryer means cat hair lingers on nearly every surface, and I with my allergies am having a little trouble with that, too. Luckily, my lint remover can pull off some of the cat hair on the couches, and the floor is tiled so I can sweep this week and get a little more relief.

It's so difficult to think beyond these symptoms, too. I can barely focus on what I'm going to do for work all week. I ought to go to bed, and try to feel better. Ouch.

smoothing out

I'm staying in Tucson at my friend Jenny's house for just over a week while she is in Europe. This helps both of us immensely; I get to be in Tucson and work down here (even though I do have a job in Phoenix, finally) and just be here in this city that i LOVE, and she has the peace of mind that her house and pets are being cared for. And, she has cable TV and wireless Internet, so I lucked out big time. :)

Today I'm helping my friends move into their new place, and luckily they're pretty much finished with the majority of the process. I can't wait to see their new place! They've lived in the same apartment the whole time I've known them, which is pushing on five years, so this new place is going to be a huge change. Plus, it's nice to have a fresh start in a fresh place as newlyweds, in my opinion.

I like it here, I'm very satisfied, but my allergies have been so bad this week that now my sinuses feel strained and raw, so I fear I'm going to catch a cold! Sigh.

But I'm here all week so I'm going to stop here and write more when I'm thinking more clearly.

young and restless

I've spent almost a week in Tucson, working every single day, because I got lucky and someone offered me lots of hours including almost 8 hours of overtime pay. Certainly I can't get away with driving down to Tucson to work every week or two, because the price of fuel, my obligations at home, and straining a very gracious hostess for her spare room. She did actually offer to pay me to come down for the first week of September while she is out of the country to tend to her critters. I think I may very well do just that (although there is no earthly way I will let her pay me to stay in her house). I might even look for training classes with my company, just because one of my buddies who supervises in the company knows just how to get quick, easy hours for staff.

So, in short, I'll make just enough money on this Friday's paycheck to afford my gasoline back home, conceivably with a few extra dollars to spare for two weeks until my next check. It's entirely possible to survive on that; I've had less to work with these days and that could just be the ticket to surviving this personal recession. It will be a glorious day when this penny-pinching can all come to an end, and I can reimburse those wonderful people who have made my financial troubles less troublesome.

Oh and it's such a pain to have my mother constantly badgering me about getting a job in Phoenix, when I'm more set on going to Korea than ever, and now as soon as mid-October. Pounding the pavement in a city I absolutely LOATHE for a menial entry-level part-time position when I have TWO ready and willing jobs here in Tucson is incredibly disheartening. I don't wanna do it, no sir. I feel so stupid trying to convince potential employers that my credentials are what they want, since I know I'd be a phenomenal employee and so far nobody believes me. What's the use?!

I do get to take Yoshi home to Phoenix with me, which should brighten my mood there a bit. I'm only keeping him until I leave the States, and then he's going to be with Toby for the next twelve months. There was some completely useless drama associated with that, and I figured I'd have to kidnap my own dog, but time resolved the matter, and the two of us are heading up on Friday.

I'll probably elaborate later on. Now I'm meeting a buddy for coffee.

facing East

So it's as up and down as ever, but I suppose I just need to batten my hatches and stop making every little issue into such a very large obstacle to overcome. It hardly appears to me that I am in the midst of a great opportunity, but I am actually trying harder than I was during my first week back here in town to appreciate the flexibility of my present situation.

That being said, I am hunting around for entry-level jobs, more or less. Just now, actually, I filled out an application for manager at a popular salon/cosmetics store. I'm completely qualified and I believe I could hack it. But yesterday I picked up an application for a popular coffee chain, where the people working there were incredibly friendly and fun. I'm also applying with a nearby school district as a guest teacher, which could very well be the most solid opportunity for work I can find. I've been determined but perhaps not entirely diligent in the job quest.

I also found a very promising opportunity to teach English in Korea for a year. I can go at any time as long as I can commit to the full 12-month contract, so I wouldn't really want to leave until January (because two of my very best friends will be wed in December). This leaves me with five months to try and figure out some sort of income, but I want to do it, and I think I really will. It's such an excellent chance to travel the world, most notably to Japan and around east Asia.

Since I am still employed on a very partial basis as a caretaker in Tucson, and so occasionally I may take hours and drive down there to work and also see my friends, my dog, and the man I love. Quite a clear motive? And at the moment, next weekend and the 22 hours I managed to find are the only guaranteed income I have.

And that's that. I'm just trucking along.